Untitled3
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Title: Untitled
Author: Karasu Kizu
Written: June 11, 2000
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: ANGST!!!!! Depressing, very… mm… deathfic (repeat: D-E-A-T-H-F-I-C), and some language.
Disclaimer: Characters not mine. ;___; and some things about Duo in this story are based off of me.
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This is what I’ve been waiting for… three years of waiting. Finally it’s time.
I looked away from the window and stood to get packing. My few possessions were stored safely away and then I went about getting dressed. As always my apparel consisted of a long-sleeved white, dress shirt underneath my black, priest-collared jacket. As usual, the black cap that I favored adorned my head along with black pants and tall, black, army boots.
I’d been waiting a long time. I was ready.
Passing through the door I went quietly down the hallway and out the back. Taking my time I passed through many alleyways trying to block out all the memories that they held for me. I stopped when I found myself at the mostly unused hangar bay areas. I sneaked in and headed to the huge, powerful, mostly black Mobile Suit. I stopped before it and stared at it. I’d come often to see the ‘Gundam’, as the Professor called it, and get used to its appearance. After all, I was the one to pilot it to Earth. There I would rendezvous with Howard and his mechanics.
Get moving, my mind told me. I climbed up the encasing capsule that would ensure my Gundam’s safety and then entered the open hatch. Inside I swung my duffel into the one and only large storage compartment and then settled for the ride to Earth.
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“Reminiscing? Do that on your free time!” came the call through the comlink.
Duo snapped out of his past memories and hurriedly put himself back into the battle. On the other side of the grounds he could spot Wufei heading off to take care of the ships within the harbor. Tearing apart the hangar bay areas was Wing with its pilot Heero Yuy. ‘Inhuman…’ was the word that came to mind. “What’s the matter with me?” Duo muttered as he forced his attention back to the battle at hand. He didn’t understand why he was having such a hard time focusing.
“Three coming from the right,” Heero’s monotone pierced Duo’s clouded thoughts. The American quickly whipped Deathscythe around to attack and managed to get rid of two before major damage was done. The third swiped a few good, clear shots and Duo was bustled about his safety harness for a while.
Growling angrily, Duo swung the scythe mercilessly and cut the last one away to ashes. Unfortunately he could hear the soldier’s screams as the unfortunate soul perished in flames. ‘Flames…’
Church. Fire. Flames. Blood. Death. Hand. Home. Love…
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Heero shouted as he knocked Deathscythe out of harm’s way.
Once again Duo snapped back to reality and let his features harden. “It ain’t nothing, I think I just got hit a few too many times. Let’s blow this joint!” There was silence from the other end and the American just rolled his eyes. As if the other pilot would ever answer anyhow.
Soon the rest of the camp was in smoking ruins and the three gundams escaped easily through the confusion. They met back on a sea-scavenge ship that was stationed out in the ocean. A man wearing a rather ‘loud’ Hawaiian shirt came out to oversee the damage on the gundams and just shook his head as he went over Deathscythe. “Weren’t thinking, were ya?” he asked when Duo finally emerged, wincing, from the cockpit.
Grinning cheekily, Duo replied. “Nah… I never do. You know that. Quatre and Trowa back yet?”
“Nope,” Howard answered, checking one of the larger damages on Deathscythe.
“Okay, thanks.” Duo jumped down and winced again. A jolt of pain went up through his leg and back when he landed and it was not a pleasant feeling. He limped slightly down the halls to his room and collapsed on the bed gratefully. He closed his eyes, hoping to get rest. Within moments he jolted into a sitting position and was panting heavily. Eyes squeezing tightly shut and then opening, Duo gripped the sheets in his fists. His jaw clenched and then he finally allowed his eyes to stay open and focus.
Around him there were only dull walls and plain furnishings of a bed, dresser, and small desk. There was no stained glass, or flames, or a choir singing. It was no dark alleyway where rats and cats skirted aside from humans and scavenged for food along with those abandoned and forgotten living on the streets.
It was just a normal room.
Lying back, Duo shut his eyes again and forced his mind to be clear. This time he did fall asleep.
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I first laid eyes on a fellow gundam pilot just after I first arrived on Earth. Actually I had had no clue that there were others that were on the same mission I had… I figured that out later. When I came across the two young people my age actually I had only seconds to make a decision. I caught the dark-haired boy’s attention by shooting at him. Had he not heard my bullet and henceforth not have turned, the shot never would have hit him. Unfortunately for him he did turn and was wounded.
He’s persistent, even now, and rolled to retrieve his gun. I had to shoot again or he might have tried to kill that girl that was standing off to the side in some pretty dress. I still haven’t a clue as to why she was there, she looked as if she belonged at some fancy dance hall for nobles.
As if it wasn’t confusing enough, after the boy was shot in the leg, by me, that girl ran over to him and tore her skirt to bandage his wounds. The guy was surprised as I was and I couldn’t do anything but drop my hands. Since when had I became the bad guy?
I was so confused and curious, one of my bad habits, that when I found out that the boy was taken into a local hospital I just had to get him out of there. It worked too… but the damned fellow went and jumped off the 50th story without opening his parachute! Damn that scared the shit out of me! I don’t rescue someone just to have them commit suicide! I was so sick of seeing people killing themselves, I’d seen it before and didn’t want to think of it.
Heh. Funny thing is… he survived. Yep. That was whom I know now as “Mr. Perfect-Survives-Anything-Soldier Yuy”. If you want to be uncreative, his ‘code’ name’s Heero Yuy. I swear he’s inhuman. He doesn’t give a damn about his life, either. Within the time after I rescued him he tried to kill himself too many times to count.
Odd thing there is that I know how he was trying to kill himself each time. And when he did it. And how many times… I counted…
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It was dusk by the time Duo awoke again. He sighed and rubbed at his eyes as he sat up. His stomach demanded food and he wasn’t one to argue at the time so he slipped out of bed and down the hallways.
‘Do you want to make something of you miserable little life?’
‘Sure. What the hell.’
‘A ‘fine’ suits the needed response. What’s your name, boy?’
‘I’m the God of Death, Shinigami.’
‘Amusing. What’s your name?’
‘… Duo… Duo Maxwell…’
“Maxwell, what is going on?” Wufei queried as he joined up with Duo on his way to the mess hall. “There’s something wrong… you haven’t been seeming to think clearly all day…”
‘Don’t give me worry! Don’t give me pity!’ Duo gripped his hands into fists. “I’m fine, Wu. Just let me be.”
“Maxwell…” The voice turned warning.
“No more, let’s get something to eat Wu-chan!” Duo ran ahead knowing that he’d be pursued for the latest nickname.
“Maxwell you- you! Get back here!” Wufei shouted as he chased after Duo down the halls.
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“Oi! Quatre and Trowa are back!” Duo exclaimed as he turned back from the mess hall window. “They look fine, too!”
Within minutes the pilots of Sandrock and Heavyarms entered the room and joined the other three gundam pilots. “The mission wasn’t too bad,” Quatre commented as he accepted a plate of food pushed in front of him. Trowa gave a brief nod in affirmative.
Duo stood off to the side of the room watching the four sitting around the table. His smile was completely gone, his mask down for a while. His eyes were dull and dead as he stared at them. ‘Even those who are wearing masks of indifference feel deeply. Even they have emotional attachments.’ He turned away and stared at the ocean view from the window.
“Maxwell, what are you doing over there?” Wufei called, frowning. Something was very wrong about the American’s behavior… there was a warning there, somewhere. “Maxwell…?” he called, a bit gentler the second time. Still Duo hadn’t moved.
“Duo.” Of course it was Heero’s monotone that reached Duo’s ears. Somehow… it just did…
Blinking and putting on a cute little startled look, Duo tilted his head. “What I miss? Nanda?”
“You were day dreaming again. What’s going on with that?” Heero narrowed his eyes at Duo, trying vainly to penetrate the mirrors blocking others from reading true emotions in Duo’s eyes.
For the briefest moment Duo’s eyes flickered before he began to speak. “I’m just tired today, that’s all. That nap didn’t do much for me.” He yawned, as if to prove his point. “Listen, I’m gonna go catch some more sleep.”
He walked from the room with all eyes on his back. His teeth gritted in anger, Duo made his way down the hallways and back to his room. When he arrived he collapsed onto his back on the bed. Lacing his hands behind his head, Duo stared at the ceiling.
‘Oomph! Oh, are you okay…?’
‘Move outta the way mister! I’ve gotta get out of here!’
“I’m sorry,” Duo voiced aloud, “I was in a rush. They would have taken me.”
‘Y-you’re alright… I’m… so glad…’
‘…No! I got what they wanted! I GOT IT!’
‘Shh… s’okay… He has… blessed you…’
‘Sister… no… please…. NO!’
“Blessed, my ass. Cursed is more like it.” Duo sat up and rubbed his eyes to try and get himself to stick in the present. ‘What’s wrong with me today? Everyone’s so annoying… going around me quietly and asking if I’m fine. I’d like to find out myself that my mask isn’t working. They don’t need to so bluntly point it out. Okay, Maxwell, now you’re just getting grumpy.’ Duo lay back once again and forced his mind clear. It was a long time until he finally gained more rest.
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I ran down the streets at top speed, clutching my precious possession tightly to my chest. I hadn’t much time, my heart felt it, so I ran even faster down the dark and misused alleyways where those forgotten roamed. I skidded around another corner and I could see the small barricade of trashcans, old blankets, and other trash that served as a home and hideout.
I passed that, knowing it as a landmark of where I was headed to. Up ahead I could see the worn-down building that always seemed about to fall. That was my destination. My last bit of speed aided me up the creaking steps and through the broken door. I rushed through, looking every which way. Bodies, young, my age, were strewn all throughout the house. I felt like crying but knew I couldn’t because I had to save the only one alive other than my self.
It was in the back room of the house, the small bedroom, that he was laying. I rushed in to find him shivering violently underneath all the blankets that I could find for him. “Hold on!” I told him as I pulled out the vaccine that I was clutching. I knelt beside him and I could see his eyes fluttering to try and see me. “Please!” I yelled, scared, “Please! Just hold on!”
“Hey… Kid… it ain’t so bad…” he groaned and I finished readying the vaccine.
“Hold on…” I whispered through the tears falling down my cheeks. “This might sting…” I added, remembering what was usually said before applying a shot. I held onto his shivering arm as I let the needle penetrate his skin. He didn’t even seem to feel it, not even when I removed the needle.
He was falling weakly back onto the little bed and I noted that his breathing was getting shallower. “No!” I screamed, gripping his shoulders in desperation. “Please! Please! I finally… don’t! You promised! You said we’d never be alone!”
“I’m sorry…” he whispered so softly that I almost missed it. Tears were rolling down my wide-eyed face and I could feel my heart crumpling. “Please… forgive…”
“Don’t, please… don’t leave me….” I laid my head on his shoulder and let the tears continue to fall. “You can’t! Solo… please!”
“It’s okay… Kid…” His eyes opened weakly and I could see a brief flicker of old humor pass through them. “You gonna remain ‘Kid’… for the rest of your life…?” I shook my head slowly, still trembling in fear. “Then… a name…? Mmm…”
It was long moments with only the sound of my sobbing. I was too scared to look into his eyes so I stared at the far wall with my head on his shoulder. His breathing continued, though wavered.
“Duo.”
“What?” I asked softly, raising my head. By the time I was sitting again his breathing had stopped. His shivering and pain had vanished.
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Early morning light filtered into the small room and Duo awoke to find the sun’s fingers poking at his eyes. “Oi… what a wake up call,” he muttered under his breath. He stood and stretched, making a face at the discovery of crinks in his neck and along his spine.
He walked down the hallway at a brisk pace, after getting dressed in his usual apparel, with no expression painted on his face. The mess hall was open and he walked in with a suddenly cheery expression. “Ohayo!” he sang as he passed through. Quatre glanced over at him and returned the greeting while the other three gave their own quiet and small ways of greeting.
Duo grabbed a tray of food and went back to sit with his fellow pilots. His thoughts wandered once again but he did keep track of what was going on around him. He couldn’t shake the realistic feel of clammy hands trying to hold his one last time. He couldn’t shake the feel of tears or the sense of foreboding in his heart.
“Wait…” Duo whispered to himself as his eyes widened. He abruptly stood and bolted to the calendar hanging on the wall. His heart sank. “Nine years…” he whispered as he slid to the ground and clutched his knees in a fetal position. “How could I… forget…?”
“Duo!” Quatre rushed over to his friend’s side, “Duo, daijoubu desu ka?”
“Fine,” Duo replied, standing hurriedly. “I have some things to do.” He brushed past Quatre and rushed down the hallway.
Turning back to the others, Quatre saw confused and slightly worried looks on everyone’s faces. “There’s something very wrong… I’m worried about him…” The blonde looked at the calendar on the wall and wondered what Duo had freaked over. ‘He wasn’t smiling anymore. There wasn’t any feeling… at all…’ He shivered. To think that Duo would be that way…
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A week after Duo’s bolt from the mess hall landed the five pilots hanging out in one of the rec.-rooms with nothing to do. ‘This was the day, nine years ago… you left… then eight years ago… they… they left too. I had a whole week to help you, why wasn’t I quicker? Murderer… that’s me…’
Suddenly Duo was struck with an odd idea. He was still feeling quite worn down but had forced the happy mask to stay in place for the others. It wouldn’t seem too odd to want to do karaoke. “Oi! I have an idea!” Duo spoke up, sitting forward in his chair. The others looked wearily at him and he just stuck his tongue out in reply. “Don’t give me that look. Let’s have a contest!”
Amazingly enough he managed to convince all of his fellow pilots to join in. First Quatre would sing, followed by Wufei, followed by Trowa, followed by Heero, and last would be Duo.
Quatre had a sweet voice, perfect for a choir. Duo hit himself mentally for that thought. Wufei sang in a bold way, just the way he spoke. Trowa had a romantic voice to die for. Heero seemed unsure of himself at first and it showed up as he sang. As he progressed the words were clearer and his song turned out better.
Finally Duo stepped to the front of the room. He placed an old disk of music into the player and let the introduction play. He knew the words by heart, thinking of them daily lately.
**You ask me, how am I
Well I’m still standing aren’t I?
That’s something that’s one thing that’s gone my way
It’s so hard to go on like everything’s okay now
When inside I still cry for yesterday
This is my unhappy anniversary
But I lie saying it’s just another day
This is my unhappy anniversary…
I know it’s so stupid to still feel broken-hearted
I wonder if you know just how much I hurt
I drink up and think up a toast to numb the hours
To get through without you is so hard today
‘Cuz it’s…
My unhappy anniversary
But I lie saying it’s just another day
This is my unhappy anniversary
Wishing you were here same time next year
Now it’s near midnight a few more minutes and
I return to, get back to my former life
Pretending our ending was not so bad I know that
It’s time to escape you… Until next year
When it’s…
My unhappy anniversary
But I lie saying it’s just another day
This is my unhappy anniversary
But I smile like it’s just another day
It’s just my unhappy anniversary
It’s just my unhappy anniversary**
Duo finished and stopped the music. His eyes had remained open the whole time, knowing that he would never actually break down and cry. He couldn’t cry. It was impossible. He removed the music disk and placed in back in one of his pockets. He grinned and bowed. “Unhappy Anniversary by Vitamin C, twentieth century music.” He scooted onto the table and swung his legs back and forth. “Now who won?”
Everyone was still silent and Duo frowned. “Come on you guys, let’s pick!”
“Duo… are you… sure you’re okay…?” Quatre asked tentatively.
“I’m fine,” Duo replied, blinking innocently to hide his anger at having someone trying to get to him. Next to him he grabbed a bottle of brandy that had been left out. He took a swig and turned his attention to the window. The ocean was calling him again. Dangerous.
Behind the American the other four pilots were exchanging quiet observations. Suddenly Duo spun around and threw the bottle against the wall. The little amount of liquid left dripped from the edges of the glass like blood. Blood. Angry at himself and everyone else, Duo hardened his features. “If you think you’re getting information from me about what the song’s significance is then give it up. It’s just a Friday, for God’s sake!” He spun around again and marched from the room.
Following behind the American came the voice belonging to Quatre:
**‘Cuz it’s…
Your unhappy anniversary
But you lie saying it’s just another day
This is your unhappy anniversary**
“Shut up!” Duo screamed back at the room as he dashed down the hallways, wanting to get away from everyone. He made his way to the hangar bay where Deathscythe stood still as stone. Angrily Duo climbed up to the hatch and climbed inside. He curled up into a tight ball and shut the hatch.
His heart was tearing apart and all he wanted to do was cry. His body began to form tears and a glass-thin layer of salty droplets appeared in his eyes but would not fall. His fingers gripped the cloth on his legs and his breathing was just a bit uneven. That’s all he could get from crying. There was no sobs filling the air, only a slightly labored breathing. He began to count the droplets that actually managed to fall onto his cheeks, leaving no evidence.
“One.”
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I pushed harder on the pedal while trying to see over the wheel. It wasn’t fair! I was too short for my age anyhow and it was already hard enough to see when you are the age of eight. I forced myself to concentrate on driving.
There was something tearing and painful within my gut and chest and I wanted to puke the feelings away. I was only a block away from my destination when I saw the smoke. Even that far away I could smell the burned flesh. I hit the brakes so hard that I flew forward a bit and hit my shoulder. I winced but hurriedly jumped from the truck cab and ran faster than I had for a year.
It wasn’t until I reached the end of the Church grounds that I halted and the horror sunk in. Crumbling remains of gorgeous stained glass and stones were strewn about as carelessly as the corpses. The bodies.
Blood. Death. Horror. Ruins. Shinigami had struck again.
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That event occurred exactly one year after Solo’s death. Solo had suffered a week, I could have gotten the vaccine earlier than that last day when he died. At the church the men had ordered a Mobile Suit and they would leave. I arrived all of twenty minutes too late. Too late. Like always. I had to know by that time that I was Shinigami, or at least his apprentice. How else do you explain all the killing that I do and have done? They’ll all die eventually by my hand. Howard, Quatre, Heero, Trowa, Wufei, Dr. G though I couldn’t care less about him the sadistic bastard and all those others whom have helped me.
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Duo raised his head tiredly from his knees when he heard the hatch of Deathscythe being opened. He blinked as the light pierced his vision. He saw Heero sitting before him.
“Daijoubu -?”
“Shut up,” Duo snapped. “Obviously I haven’t been crying so I’m fine, ne? Right?!”
Heero was silent, trailing his eyes over Duo. True, the American showed absolutely no sign of crying. There weren’t any tears, no wet eyelashes, puffy red eyes, or tear-streaked face. There was the slightest waver in his breath but that’s all that the Perfect Soldier could find. He frowned.
“I’m fine, Heero,” Duo said again, more calmly. “I do not have emotional attachments. I do not cry. I do not feel, period. Therefore I’m always fine.” ‘Even if I hate myself,’ he added mentally.
Heero’s attention snapped to focus on Duo. His words were so empty… no feeling… it wasn’t exactly a monotone, it was just… a dead voice… “Duo…?”
“Go. I’ll be fine,” Duo told him, gently pushing him out of the hatch. As so as Heero was clear of the hatchway Duo closed and locked it. Outside he could hear Heero cursing and shouting at him. “I’ll be fine.”
He turned on Deathscythe’s consoles and began to type a long and lengthy message, every once and a while looking down at the compartment which held his first belongings.
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By now you can see how the song fit with what we were doing. AC 186 Solo died, the following year Maxwell Church was burned. By AC 192 I was simply roaming and came across Dr. G with Deathscythe.
It’s so hard to go on like everything’s okay now
When inside I still cry for yesterday
This is my unhappy anniversary
But I lie saying it’s just another day
This is my unhappy anniversary…
I say goodbye now. I’ll only bring more death to this world. I don’t want to be Shinigami’s little helper in murder. I don’t want to see you all die because of me, and die you will. I’m taking the coward’s way out. Seems fitting, I guess. I’ve always been a coward and have always hated myself. I still hate myself. I’m just cold and unfeeling. It’s not some mask like Trowa’s or Heero’s, either. That’s just me. Heero, I wasn’t lying when I said I have no emotional attachments. I don’t allow myself to.
Sayonara.
See you in hell.
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Duo completed his typing and set it up so that they would notice that a long message awaited them. Tiredly he rummaged through his first belongings that he had kept since the Maxwell Church massacre. He pulled out a small tin that he had gained one time by trading in most of his belongings at the time. The man was reluctant to sell the pills to the young boy but had finally caved in.
Taking out one of the round, inviting pills he flipped it back into his mouth. He took another two before swallowing. “Gomen nasai…” he murmured.
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The morning was solemn. Everything was silent.
Walking down the hallways was eerie since all you could hear was the clicking of your own heels. Heero stepped cautiously towards the hangar bay and made his way to stand before Deathscythe. He stared up at the dark suit and remembered Duo commenting on it looking like the Grim Reaper. He shivered. Something seemed wrong.
Duo hadn’t been in his room that morning, either; Heero had waited for the American to come in. The Japanese pilot climbed up the Mobile Suit, guessing Duo was still there, and went to open the hatch. He was sure it was still locked so was utterly surprised when he was able to open it. Crouching on the open hatch, Heero peered into the dimly lit cockpit. Duo lay limply on the seat. His head lolled to one side, his arms and legs lay hanging about his sides. As if asleep…
Heero stood and poked at Duo’s shoulder, “Oi, wake up. We have to talk.” He frowned when he felt that Duo’s skin was stiff. “Duo…?” he whispered, scared. He grabbed a wrist brutally and willed a pulse to form.
There was none.
He stepped back, far to confused and horrified to do anything. Suddenly he screamed, or thought he did. He couldn’t know if he had shouted anything articulate… he had no idea… but the body before him… it was from some kind of powerful poison; if that was anything.
Within moments of what is believed to be a scream, Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei came running with everyone else on the ship. The gundam pilots were just as shocked as Heero and Quatre felt incredibly guilty for not have knowing sooner.
“Oh my God… Duo…”
Something was flashing on the side consoles of Deathscythe. Heero removed the disk and noted the short note written in Duo’s handwriting.
*To my fellow pilots, the closest thing I’ve had to friends in years, I’m sorry to have burdened you thus far. This disk will explain everything. Fight for the people. I’d like to fade into the background but would love to see you four continue. I know you can do it. Unlike me, you are not Shinigami’s servant.
~ Duo Maxwell ~
Real name unknown *
Heero gripped the disk and closed his eyes on the tears building. ‘Why…?’
~~~~owari~~~~
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©2001 by Karasu Kizu. Please do not remove without permission.
