Life After
~~~~
Title: Life After
Author: Karasu Kizu
Written: May 12, 2000
Song: Un-Break My Heart By Tony Braxton
Type: shonen-ai/ after series/ angst/ romance/ recollection
Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
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Don’t leave me in all this pain
Don’t leave me out in the rain
Footsteps fell softly on the walkway leading from the shuttle. The boy refused to look up, not wishing to let the whole area know that his heart was being torn to pieces and had been previously thrown against a wall and shattered like glass. ‘Glass heart, eh?’ He snorted lightly and continued on until he was out of the transport building and onto the street.
“Oh joy,” he muttered sarcastically, “I return on one of the few weather days.” He finally looked up, no longer needing to worry of people seeing tears. The raindrops would cover them just fine. Tears because of… “Don’t think about it,” he whispered.
He looked up and down the street and let a very small smile creep onto his face. “Home.” One word which meant so many things and brought back so many memories.
The boy’s pale, lifeless face lolled to one side as a young Duo screamed for him to come back. Solo remained unresponsive and didn’t move or awaken. ‘He’s sleeping… resting… must let him rest… let him rest…’ Tears were falling down the young boy’s face and he finally let go. Just a few years later he returned to the fires burning bright and high… killing everyone living at the orphanage and church… except him. All except him.
Shaking his head, Duo cleared away the depressing memories. He was here to find a new place to settle… to get an apartment and find some work for pay.
Come back and bring back my smile
Come and take these tears away
Huddling in the corner of his bed within his new apartment, Duo shuddered as sobs wracked his body again and again. “No… stop… why must I care? Why did I have to be such a love-sick baka that I never saw it wasn’t full love…? Why…” Tears dripped down the once cheerful face.
All masks were dropped and even if he had tried, a smile would rarely come. Laughter came even less often. He was quieter now after three months of actual work and living… alone. The war was over and there were no more excuses to see his friends. No excuses. No friends. No love.
‘We both know I quit smiling the second you turned. I know it and so do you. But you don’t care and I won’t hold you back… from… her. She’s sweet… possibly obsessive… but… sweet… she loves you… if you’re happy…’ Duo quit his thoughts and let the sobs take over once more.
I need your arms to hold me now
Nights are so unkind
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me
Duo sat up half past midnight and blinked blurry eyes. “He- oh…” His long hair was undone and hanging down his bare back past the waist of his boxers. He bowed his head and hugged himself involuntarily. “You’re not here, are you Heero?” he whispered to himself, a habit he’d started once each of the pilots split up to lead their own lives.
He missed the warm arms that had very few times been around him. Their relationship had grown intimate during the later half of the war after Heero had saved Duo from sure execution at an outer space Oz base. Actually the initial plan was to go in, find Duo, and kill him, but… Heero hadn’t done it. They’d talked a long time when they were in the hospital and little hints were dropped from both ends that their friendship was growing deeper.
Their love was so brief it was as if it was only a short candle, flaming bright and strong until it melted away, leaving feelings spread about. Their last time together before the final fight was just after Hilde was brought onto Peacemillion for injury care. As Heero and Duo embraced that night the American broke the news of Relena being on Libra. And everything had changed.
“He’s always loved her… baka… shouldda told me… I wouldn’t have made such a fool of myself…”
‘Why aren’t you here…? Oh Heero… where are you when I need you?’
Un-break my heart
Say you love me again
::Flashback::
“Oi! Heero!” Duo cried, running along the catwalk to reach the Wing Zero pilot. Heero grunted, barely hiding the smile that threatened. “I was so worried… I thought maybe after you and Trowa… and then when he didn’t remember… you had me so scared.” The braided pilot suddenly embraced Heero tightly and rested his head on the stony pilot’s shoulder. “I don’t care if you kill me now… at least I’ll die remembering being in your arms.”
Heero was startled for a few moments to do anything at all. And when he finally could, his arms acted of their own accord and snaked around the longhaired pilot. “Baka…” he muttered into Duo’s hair, burying his face into the silky strands. “Duo…?” He asked, feeling a strange wetness on his shoulder.
“Hai!” Duo looked up after hurriedly wiping a hand across his eyes. Suddenly he spotted the Gundam Heero had been previously gazing at. Gawking he cried, “Wing Zero?! You’re piloting that thing?! You’re crazy!”
A glare silenced Duo for a few moments and Heero replied coolly, “I’ve mastered the system and understand it now. There’s no longer a harm from it for me.”
Resting a hand on his forehead, Duo leaned against the guardrail. “I almost forgot what you were like… yep, only you would pilot that thing.”
“How do you know of it?”
“Huh?” Duo looked over at Heero with a surprise look. “Oh, some crazy Oz soldier had me pilot it for a ‘test’.” He shuddered. “That’s a scary system, man… I wouldn’t want to use it ever again.”
Heero frowned, “You had to pilot it?” Duo nodded. “…………” Silence was all that came in reply, for Heero couldn’t find the right words. “Duo…” he started. The American looked into the cobalt blue eyes, slight surprise showing through. “I… was worried too, Duo…” He was the first to start the embrace this time. And slowly, carefully, Heero lowered his face until they were forehead to forehead.
For a while they just gazed at one another and Duo chanced it. “Heero, I don’t know if you’ll understand this… or hear everything behind this phrase but… I love you.”
The Japanese pilot closes his eyes and a tiny smile appeared. “Yoshi… I… love you too…” With that, Heero leaned into Duo until their lips met for quite some time.
::End::
Un-do this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked out of my life
::Flashback::
The end of the war celebrations were slowly dwindling down and still the pilots hadn’t found a setting for good quality time together to spend privately. Finally Quatre set up a private party for the five of them at a local estate of his on the colony they were staying at.
The night was filled with laughter and happiness. Just as Duo had said, they celebrated with expensive champagne (and by request of Quatre, it was non-alcoholic). Trowa eventually let loose, openly showing that he and Quatre were together and that the beautiful blonde was not available. Heero had joined in on some things yet not everything, he rarely said anything and it was beginning to bother Duo as the night wore on. They had not shared much more than a few kisses since about a week back when Hilde was rescued and she gave the disk of information on Libra.
“Oi! Heero! Nanda?”
There was no response and Duo frowned. Slowly the others were coming out of their happy state to watch the interaction. “Heero…?” Duo started again, loosing the joking mood but not wiping the smile completely away.
“It’s time to say goodbye.” That one phrase struck Duo with such a blow that he physically stumbled back. It was the last word, though, that pierced down to his heart.
“Goodbye…?” Duo echoed softly, the smile completely gone. Even the others looked a little stunned.
“The war is over and our lives must go on.” Heero turned to face Quatre, Trowa and Wufei. “We’re all soldiers and I’ll admit it was good to work with you. Get on with your lives now it’s time for our parting.” He took one step in the direction of the door. “Sayonara.”
Duo stared at Heero’s back as the boy continued moving to the door. “Oi! Heero, matte kudasai! Heero! Heero!” He started to shout but the boy never turned around. Within minutes he was gone and disappeared.
“Iie… you… can’t….” His eyes stared at nothing as he fell to the floor with an audible thud. He never noticed when his other friends ran over to him to see that he was all right. It didn’t matter anymore to him.
::End::
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
Duo shuffled through the grocery store, not at all hungry. He never seemed to have much of an appetite before, but his boss at the salvage yards bugged him that he was already too skinny. The dark-haired boy sighed and continued on, looking for items to get.
He passed through various isles, picking up whatever seemed to look good. Finally he entered the checkout line and purchased his items before leaving the store. He stepped off the walkway without thinking or looking and soon he felt himself flying back as his bag went fluttering into the air and littering food all about.
“Oi…” he muttered, carefully sitting up and wincing. The driver of the car, who had just stopped in time, came running out and over to the young boy.
“Daijoubu desu ka? I’m so, so sorry! Is anything broken? May I help you?”
Duo shook the double images from his mind and he responded, “Hey, don’t worry. It’s my fault for being a baka. I’m… okay, really.” He struggled to stand and hissed in pain when he felt his arm jam awkwardly.
“Let me get you to a hospital…” the other words were lost as Duo’s mind fogged over.
Take back the sad word good-bye
Bring back the joy to my life
Don’t leave me here with these tears
Come and kiss this pain away
When he awoke he faced an all white room. Sighing, Duo turned his head to glance out the window. It was broad daylight out and he wondered exactly what day it was and what had happened.
“So you’re up. You know, you are a very lucky young man.” An elderly doctor came around the curtain to stand beside Duo’s bed. “You were only out for a day. Your broken arm will heal quickly, so don’t fret.”
Duo blinked down at his left arm in a cast. “Oh.”
The doctor frowned, “Are you alright, young man? You had passed out, from what we could tell, from exhaustion, stress, and shock. Are you in need of any help?”
“No, no… I’m fine. Really. Could I go home today?” Duo asked quickly to break the doctor asking any more questions. Eventually he was told to stay one more day just to make sure he was all right.
Soon enough the man was gone and Duo was left with his thoughts. He remembered when he was in the hospital last… with Heero to be exact. With Heero. He wanted the stoic Japanese pilot beside him right then, to scold him for being so foolish so then the two of them could verbally war in the ways they always did.
Did, had, was… all of those were past tense. And that was what ‘Heero and Duo’ were. They were the past. Duo sighed and hung his head forward with his eyelids shutting.
I can’t forget the day you left
Time is so unkind
And life is so cruel without you here beside me
The broken arm took a while to heal and it bothered Duo that it took so long. The main reason being that it meant he was limited in what distractions he could use to avoid the thoughts of the one person he ever loved. One particular afternoon he had found absolutely nothing of interest and lounged on the couch, staring at nothing in particular.
The sound of a door slamming shut echoed in his head; a memory of the past. He could see beautiful muscles beneath the green tank top as the body moved away… out the door… to another someone. Someone who he actually loved.
“You never did love me, did you?” Duo asked the air sadly. “It was always Relena… I should have known. I did know before I figured out I fell for you… too bad that knowledge didn’t stay in place.”
Un-break my heart
Say you love me again
The mocking words wound in and out Duo’s hearing: ‘love’, ‘I love you’, ‘ai shiteiru, Duo’.
‘Even if they were lies… tell me those words again… let me hear your voice…’
Un-do this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked out of my life
Duo finally stood up and stormed out of his apartment only bothering to pocket his wallet and to grab his coat. After a while of walking he found himself standing outside the park and watching a group of kids playing basketball. He smiled vaguely, remembering the joy he used to get out of the sport. How uninteresting it was now when there wasn’t a certain someone to watch.
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Un-break my heart
His feet didn’t stop at the park for long, soon arriving at the transportation building. He stood at the counter to buy tickets and took them without even really knowing where he was going. All Duo knew was that he had to move on… had to go somewhere… see at least one of his old acquaintances. One of his friends…
Too many tears had been shed over not seeing them. It was time to do something about it.
Don’t leave me in all this pain
Don’t leave me out in the rain
Bring back those nights when I held you beside me
Duo slept soundly on the shuttle and was faintly aware when they took off. His dreams were confusing and twisted, taking on odd shapes.
In the middle of a drenching rain, Duo sat huddled and hugging himself to keep warm. Off to the side Quatre and Trowa were talking and laughing merrily with Catherine just off in the background joining the conversation. To another side Wufei was consulting Sally about one thing or another. And then worst of all, Heero stood with his back to Duo and his arm around Relena’s shoulders as they talked about a future… for them. Just the two of them… together… forever… The American couldn’t hold it any longer and gave a cry of pain, sorrow, and loss. He felt so sick and lonely and delirious that he couldn’t figure out what was going on.
Un-break my heart
Say you love me again
Un-do this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door
And walked out of my life
Duo jerked awake to find himself feeling dizzy and out of place. For a while it wasn’t clear where he was, but when the announcer signaled they’d soon ‘arrive at their destination’, he remembered boarding a transport to see…. See who?
Blinking in confusion, Duo suddenly felt scared and small. He wasn’t remembering anymore and it frightened the living daylights out of him. Suddenly the name came. ‘Quatre… right, Quatre…’ A breath of relief escaped Duo’s lips when the shuttle finally landed and he was heading to the Winner estate.
‘Seeing a friend will be good… maybe he’ll even know where the others are… I’ll have to visit them.’
Un-cry these tears
I cried so many nights
Duo knocked on the door and it was answered by one of Quatre’s many following Magaunacs. “Master Duo!” the man smiled and ushered the boy in. “I’ll go get Quatre-sama…” and he walked off into the house, seemingly to retrieve the young owner.
‘I’m so tired… why… why do I feel so sick…?’ Duo managed one glimpse of Quatre before he passed out and his last thought was, ‘He’s sure grown handsome. Wonder if Trowa has any competition now?’
~~~~~~~~~~
“Duo…” the voice calling him was soft and gentle yet urgent and worried. “Duo… onegai… Duo… come back… miss you… here… others…”
He was drifting in and out of unconsciousness. Duo couldn’t focus on anything and couldn’t figure out what was going on. ‘Where am I? Quatre? Where are you? Heero, I’m scared… Heero…’
“Come back, Duo.”
For a moment Duo could have sworn his heart stopped beating. The deep, husky voice that was always so taunting yet quite usually in monotone was now baring the feelings of hopeless despair. ‘Heero… you’re here…? Where am I? Help me! Onegai!’ Duo couldn’t force his mouth to work and his mind cried vainly to break free of the fog surrounding him.
Un-break my heart, sweet baby,
Come back and say you love me
Un-break my heart, sweet darling,
Without you I just can’t go on
“He’s crying!” The slightly startled statement entered Duo’s fog-clouded brain.
‘No, duh! I can’t talk! I can’t feel, Heero! Where are you? Heero… please… help I can’t find you… Heero…’
“Calm down, it’s okay. Everything will be okay… Quatre, he’s waking enough.” Suddenly Duo could feel wonderfully warm and familiar fingers entwining around his. “Can you hear me Duo? Can you feel me?”
‘Yes! Oh god yes! Heero… why can’t I tell you?! I have so much to say and tell you… Heero!’
The fog was thickening and Duo began to panic again. A loud series of shrill beeps went off in the reality world and Duo struggled again to respond. “We’re losing him again!”
“Duo! Don’t you dare give up now!” Heero’s voice was suddenly thick with raw fear and Duo became aware of the warm breath next to his ears. “Onegai… Duo, don’t leave me… we were such fools… don’t make us separate again. I still love you…”
“…H….” Duo’s eyes refused to open and his vocal cords were slow to work. He fought on, trying to make his way to the warmth he felt wrapped around his fingers. “…ro….”
“Come on Duo… come on…” Heero’s voice was hushed and Duo fought harder.
‘I must get to you, I have to tell you I feel the same. I love you! I love you, Heero! Understand?!’ Duo broke through more of the fog and he began to hear the whiz and bleeps emitting from electronic machines. “…’Ero… l-lov….” He couldn’t manage anymore but Duo felt the fog clear completely away.
“I know, Duo… I know… rest…” Heero’s voice calmed Duo and the longhaired boy slowly gave into pure sleep with no fog to disturb him.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Violet-blue eyes opened to find a well decorated bedroom filled with medical equipment. Along with a sleeping, dark-haired body. Wait a minute….
Duo stared with dulled surprise and happiness. He felt so weak that emotions were coming hard for him and he carefully moved an arm to brush back Heero’s beautifully thick locks of hair. In the back of his mind Duo noticed the thinness of his arm and the incredibly high pallor of his skin. All this was saved information for later though, Heero was so much more important.
“Heero…” he whispered so softly he could barely hear it himself. His fingers touched the skin that used to be beneath Duo’s roaming hands all the time. “…Oh Heero…”
The figure moved and slowly the eyes opened to reveal the same piercing, cobalt blue eyes he remembered. He was so strikingly gorgeous that Duo couldn’t think of anything to say or do for a few minutes. There were more emotions hidden within those eyes now, yet he could detect them.
Heero blinked a few times, seemingly trying to figure out why he had woken up. Duo held his breath for a moment and moved his fingers along Heero’s hair again. The Japanese pilot sat straight up and stared at Duo with visible relief. “Oh thank God…” he whispered, moving to be beside Duo. “You scared me to death…”
“What happened?” Duo managed weakly, lifting the arm not in a cast to rest on Heero’s knee.
“Quatre says you arrived here a week ago and by the time he got to the door you had collapsed. He called in a doctor and tracked us down amazingly quick. The past two days has been hell trying to keep you from slipping away. You were so near death and…” He shook his head. “Don’t you dare do this again, Duo…” Heero seemed, for the first time, so helpless. “I was so scared… and somehow I know part of this is my fault. Isn’t it?” He looked down at Duo.
Duo slowly found how to work his vocal cords normally again. His voice was still a little scratchy but better than before, “I thought you didn’t… love me. I loved you so much but… thought you didn’t feel the same… I don’t know what happened to me… why did I collapse?”
“Doctor can’t explain it,” Heero replied, obviously irritated by the diagnosis. “But put that to the side for now, you’re supposed to be getting better within the next month or so.”
Heero slowly eased his body down so he was lying down and facing Duo. “I left that day, hoping that you would chase after me and beg me not to go. I should have known you wouldn’t have, but it was a wish. Ever since then I regretted the choice and kept debating if I should go to look and find you. I hadn’t kept up with the others, though it seems Quatre mostly did...even managed to find me once and a while to drop me a line. Know this…” Heero leaned forward so their breaths mixed. “I love you and only you, never anyone else. Not even Relena…”
Duo smiled softly, “Arigatou… I’ve never stopped loving you…” He yawned. “I’m so tired… stay with me?” Heero smiled softly.
“Of course. Rest, Duo…” The American nodded and was almost immediately asleep. Heero soon followed.
Quatre came in to find the two of them lying beside one another between the medical equipment and tubes set up about the guest room. The blonde smiled when he noted the content and happy smiles on both faces. The first smile he’d ever seen on Heero’s face and the first truly pure smile one Duo’s face. The pair’s hands were laced together and neither seemed like they’d ever split apart. Again Quatre smiled before rushing downstairs to break the news that Duo had awakened and was now resting again.
~~~ OWARI~~~
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©2001 by Karasu Kizu. Please do not remove without permission.
