As the Colonies Sort of Hover Up There Somewhere: 1/1
Rating: pg13
Main Series: Gundam Wing
Sub Series: Sailor Moon
Genre: Soap Opera/Comedy
Pairings: Don't ask. @.@
Spoilers: Episode 20 (I think. Somewhere in that area.)
Warnings: Language, bad plot, soap opera, generalized character bashing, yaoi, yuri, het, 'ew' factor

By Moon Faery
email: moon_faerys_garden@yahoo.com
website: Dying a slow, painful death until I'm back online full-time
http://www.geocities.com/moon_faerys_garden

Disclaimer: A statement created solely to save one's ass from becoming lawn for the proverbial legal mower. I do not own Gundam Wing, nor does anyone I know own it. I do not own Sailormoon, and I apologize in advance for the scratches they're coming back with after this. I am not responsible for any mental trauma resulting from reading this. However, this story line and plot are MINE, and I am responsible for biting people who try and steal it. (Holds fic close to her.) Grrrr....

Author's Notes: Okay, this is my answer to my own challenge. I made a point to use EVERYTHING that's listed. It'll have a little number corresponding to the part that's on the list (which is at the bottom). Some things count for more than one, so both numbers will be there. ^-^ This is done like one of those Gods-awful scenes that exist only to rehash and explain the story up to that point; I just didn't have time to do it the long way. It probably sucks (being mainly dialogue), but be gentle, please, when you Review.

***

"Hey, Heero?" Duo bounced into the room, holding onto the end of his slowly unraveling braid. "Have you seen my hair tie?"

Heero looked up from his laptop, glaring venomously. "Why would I know where your hair tie is?" he asked, swiveling around in his chair to ease the kink in his neck.

"Well, it kind of gets around..." Duo toyed with the loose tassel on the end of his braid.

Heero just raised one dark eye brow. "Do tell."

"..." The braided one shifted from side to side nervously. "The last time I saw it was when Une, Dr. J and Professor H got locked in that elevator together. [1a][5] Ya know, when all those awful noises were coming from it and we all found out that they're all seeing each other in secret?"[11a]

Heero wrinkled his nose. The idea was strangely repellant. "No, I don't know. What does this have to do with your hair tie?"

"Well, at the exact same time, we found that document on your laptop saying that Wufei was your brother, remember? I was braiding my hair then. That was WAY before we found out that your laptop was trying to break us up!" Duo laughed, rubbing the back of his head. "Man, I don't think any of us saw that coming! Smart laptop, to leak that to me like that, though.

"Anyway, I never got to braid my hair, because we had to go break the fearsome threesome out of the elevator." He winced. "And then the shuffleboard room, along with all those old people that were shuffle boarding in secret.[45] Ya know, when Lady Une told us not to tell Colonel Une that she's pregnant, cause she'd flip?"[18][11b]

"Colonel Une is pregnant?" To say Heero was shocked was an understatement.

The God of Death shrugged. "I guess so. But she's not supposed to know about it."

Heero could only blink.

"And then Q-man's father came back to life.[9] That was wicked, with the crawling out of his grave after being buried alive thing."[10] Duo shook his head, loop of braid swinging. "Who'd've thunk it?"

The urge to speak up grabbed Heero and shook him like a rag-doll. "But Quatre's father was in a shuttle that exploded.[20] His body was found floating, unprotected, in a hard vacuum. There's no way he could have been buried alive!" Frustration gnawed at Heero. "He was cremated, for cripes sake!"

"Yeah, but that was a dummy body, Hee-man!" Duo slapped him in the shoulder. "Sure had us all fooled, huh?"

Heero was silently calculating the odds that Duo had cracked. They were good. Very good.

"Anyway, I lost my hair tie in the shuffle board room, one of those old people snagged it. When I followed her to get it back, she ended up at this freaky arcade in Tokyo, where a short bald guy in drag wearing a blonde wig with some sort of pigtails was telling four girls who looked just like the Sailor Scouts that he was dying of cancer."[6] Duo paused, taking a deep breath after what had been an exceptionally run-on sentence. "I think his name was Usagi.[13]

"Well, after that I lost the old lady and came back home. But the very next day Prof. G introduced me to one of the girls at the arcade, Minako. Turns out that the one with cancer is actually a girl, and she's pregnant with G's kid!"[18]

Heero turned green. There was nothing to be said about that little fact. He just didn't want to think about it.

"I know, me too. Well, Minako turned out to be my long-lost but still unmet brother's[2a] sister's girlfriend's daughter's niece's nephew's dog's former master's cousin's ex-lover's best friend.[4] She had my hair tie- got it off the old lady, I guess.

"Well, I didn't get my hair tie back because G had to go help Relena, Une and Quatre, who'd gotten themselves into a position that even the flexible Arabian couldn't get out of!"[1b] Duo sniggered. "Man, Une sure gets around, doesn't she?"

"Duo, you need help."

"C'mon, Heero, man, you can't tell me you don't remember any of this!"

Yuy grunted. "Yes I can."

"Hn." Duo glared and crossed his arms. "I don't know how you missed it! I mean, next you'll tell me that you didn't know that Trowa and Noin were illicit lovers!"[43][11c]

"I didn't!"

The God of Death snorted. "Sure, man. Whatever."

"Just continue with the story."

"Sure." Duo rolled his bright eyes. "I guess it's about time to drop the bombshell on you."

"Bombshell?"

"Geez, you don't even remember this? Remind me to check you for a bump on the head or something."

"Duo..."

"Okay okay... Well... After that... I kind of died."

"You died?" For some reason, Heero was not shocked. It made an odd sort of sense, after everything else his partner had said happened.

"Yup, I died. Choked while... well, ummm..." Duo blushed a vivid red. "Well, remember what happened last week after I sprung you from that lab?"

Heero nodded, barely managing not to blush himself. It had probably been the best blowjob of his life.

"Good. Well, I kinda choked to death."[39][40a]

"..."

"Don't worry!" Duo hastened to reassure him. "I'm here!"

"Obviously."

"See, the thing is, the scientists at the lab injected you with an experimental serum that would turn you into a vampire if you died within a few days. You didn't die, so it's out of your system, but I was infected with it while we were... um, busy. Since I did die, I became a vampire."[51]

"Aa." He did not sound convinced.

"Believe me or don't, 'sall up to you. Anyways, at the same time I was becoming a vampire, that Usagi chick- ya know, the one who's carrying G's kid?- has this miraculous recovery from her cancer.[7] She looked like a giant bowl of ramen now, but I guess a cure is a cure.[12] That's about three or four days after the time Trowa and Quatre did that "Got Yaoi" commercial for Fangirls Inc.[15] Then-"

"Wait a minute," Heero interrupted. He had found himself getting drawn into the story, very much against his will. It was like watching a horribly bloody motorcycle accident: you kept telling yourself to look away, and you wanted to look away, but you couldn't help but watch. However, something had occurred to him. "Duo, you're still dead, right?"

"Yeah."

"So does this mean I've been sleeping with a corpse?"

Duo grinned. "Yup, Heero! You're a happy necrophiliac!"[30]

"Aa. Just checking. Continue." Heero secretly began wondering about himself. He didn't think he'd do something like that, but then again...

"Minako gave my tie to Zechs when Usagi got cured. She ran into him at the hospital, because he has the same doctor as the pregnant ramen. Zechs went on to a bookstore to have some happy perverted sex with Wufei and Une, who were his secret sex-toys.[1c][11d] Man, Une's loose.

"Well, anywhoo, the tie got left there. It got picked up by Relena when she ran into Minako and Usagi there, and they all found out that they're long lost twin sisters. [2][3] I find that a bit hard to swallow, but Minako and Relena look a little alike, but they just do NOT resemble that pregnant bowl of ramen.

"After that, this guy Mamoru found that that the ramen was pregnant with G's child, and she was keeping it a secret from him.[11e] I think he was her boyfriend or something, 'cause he got really jealous and killed her.[24] Turned out they had some sort of destiny thing going that she screwed up by getting knocked up by someone else, when he wanted to do it.[40b]

"While the ramen was getting butchered, Relena visited one of Usagi's friends, Hino Rei, who was a Shinto priestess with some sort of psychic power shit[38] to find out if she's the one who got Une pregnant. What a ditz! That Rei chick, though, she really messed with Relena's pink, obsessed little brain[33a] and told her that she was! And she believed it!

"Relena left the tie at the shrine, Hikawa Jinja. Mamoru found it when he went there to talk to Rei about killing his girlfriend. After that, he came here and confronted us about our secret homosexual relationship[42], for some inexplicable reason. Mamoru left the tie here, and you grabbed the tie to hold some wires on Wing while you were fixing it.

"Right after that, when you were just about to give me back my tie, Trowa came really upset- well, upset for Trowa, talking about how he and Noin were lovers, but he just found out that she's his mother.[21] Sick, huh? I ended up using the tie to hold Trowa's bangs back while he cried, and he left with it when we heard that noise outside."

"Noise?" Heero scooted forward to the edge of his seat, rapt. "What noise?"

"We didn't know it at the time, but Wufei had been checking the cameras outside, scaling the walls. The sound was him screaming when he was kidnapped by someone with shifty eyes after knocking on one of the second story windows.[41][55]

"The kidnapper turned out to be Zechs, who has another alter-ego that's a vampire like me, known as Count Zechsula from Translvania.[47] He brain washed Wufei.[17] Convinced poor Justice boy that women were strong, justice bad, and that he was a weak woman himself. He even got a sex change and everything![34]

"When we couldn't find the noise, Trowa- who was heart broken after finding himself having an incestuous relationship with his mother- went to Quatre for comfort. One thing led to another and Q-man ended up getting raped."

"Trowa raped Quatre? I thought they loved each other!"

"They do. Quatre was willing.[54] You should have heard everything he told me about it. I had no idea that a person could even bend like that! Or that soap could be used that way.[31]

"Well, Une decided to get married, because of the pregnancy and all. She did an eeny-meeny-miny-moe thing and chose to marry J. So she and the Claw ran off to get married that very day. All of the rest of Une's lovers crashed the party. And I mean all! H, Relena, Quatre, Wufei- who already thought he was a girl- and Zechs. Even Trowa showed up, for Quatre's sake. Everyone but Trowa said that they loved both the Lady and Colonel[50], and Trowa said that he loved Quatre enough to do anything for him, so they all got married in one hell of a whopper ceremony.[22][26] Trowa loaned Zechs my tie again so he could breathe through his hair at the wedding. Everything was perfect, except Relena was mistaken for the dead bowl of ramen and got married as Tsukino Usagi.[14]

"Turns out Quatre didn't really love Une; he was just in it for the sex. And when he got married, he was still fuzzy from being raped; completely forgot that he was married to Trowa too, who he does love. He got so depressed about it that he plotted his own suicide. The whole bit: fancy last meal, silk sheets on the bed he was going to be found on, rose petals scattered and candle light; it was going to be the perfect suicide. Painless and all, he had the poison all prepared."

"Quatre killed himself?!"

"Sort of. See, something in his last meal got to him before he could take the poison. So he ran to the bathroom to throw up, but he slipped on some wet tile and hit his head."

"So he's alive?"

"No. He drowned like that in the toilet bowl."[39][40c]

"..."

"That's what I said. Trowa died in a fire right after that,[19a] we still don't know what caused the fire.

"Quatre's will was read a couple days ago.[23] Turns out he secretly left everything to some charities and us Gundam pilots.[11f] Cool of him, huh?"

Duo didn't wait for a response, he kept talking. "At the reading of the will, Zechs was wearing my hair tie. I would have gotten it back, but it didn't seem right. Then, out of nowhere, Une went into labor, dead in the center of the reading! We raced against time[8] to get her to the hospital, running over a rich old lady on the way,[27] and cuttin' a lot of people off at the pass.[33b]

"While we were all at the hospital, my hair tie vanished! I mean, like poof! One minute there, the next gone! Creepy, hm?"

"Aa."

"Sometime during all of this, Wu-babe was found dead. Looked like he killed himself, but we can't be sure.[19b] Shot right through the head. Guess he's out of his womanish misery, though.

"You, Heero, died at the hospital, after shooting yourself while cleaning your gun."

"I'm dead."

Duo grinned. "Yup. Ain't it cool?"

"Aa...."

"Back at the house, your laptop, who's horribly jealous of us,[52] and who had been stalking you for months,[28] found out about your death. It had joined a 'Heero Worshipers' cult,[48] and committed suicide[53] with some poisoned Kool-Aide[49] at the news. Sad, really.

"After the baby was born, the Docs did a DNA test. It wasn't any one of Une's spouses. She'd been raped by a stray dog in a back alley somewhere,[25] and had been keeping the secret for months.[11g] She gave my hair tie to the kid and jumped out the window. Still don't know how she got it, though. A few hour later, Une was found murdered. Probably the kid's father.[19c]

"It must have been some kind of misery loves company thing, because everyone suddenly stated talking about their secrets and spilling their guts. Ya know, lettin' it all hang out?[35] It was really strange, we kept hearing the oddest organ music while the whole 'talk' was going on.[29] Did you know that Dorothy's into S&M?[11h] Trieze confessed that he helped Zechs kidnap Wu.[11i] He even sat at a desk, hands clasped, and shifted his eyes around a lot to show us how big of an evil villain he is![33c][46] It was some sort of mental problem that he picked up after his daughter died mysteriously.[19d]

"Then, Otto, that guy who died for Zechs, shows up and he's like, 'Hey, y'all![32] I'm not dead! And I'm really a girl who was having a secret lesbian relationship[44][11j] with this chick down by the gate, Setsuna. I only came back because she died and I need help to find her killer!'[19e] And then..."

"And then?"

"And then the world blew up."[36][37]

"Oh."

Duo grinned. "Now, let's go take care of that amnesia of yours. [16] But first..." He glomped the other boy.

"First..?" Heero had gone into information overload.

Duo leaned down, his lips right next to Heero's ear. "Can you tell me," he whispered huskily, "where my hair tie is?"

***OWARI***

Here's the challenge:

"As the Colonies Sort of Hover Up There Somewhere" Challenge
Any Genre (Preferably comedy), Gundam Wing and any Pairing

1)A minimum of 10 of the following 55 things (your choice):
[1] 3 love triangles
[2] 2 cases of long lost relatives
[3] 3 identical twins (Not pairs of twins, and not triplets. You figure this one out. ^-^)
[4] 1 six-degrees (or more) of separation listed. (Example: Father's brothers nephew's cousin's former roommate. [Thank you, Mel Brooks!])
[5] 1 couple/triangle locked somewhere together
[6] 1 life threatening disease
[7] 1 miraculous cure/recovery
[8] 1 race against time (Example: Quatre: HURRY Heero! The Ice Cream Man's about to turn the corner! Heero: *guns the gas*)
[9] 1 mysterious return to life
[10] 1 person buried alive
[11] 9 secrets
[12] 1 actor switch mid-fic
[13] 1 actor switch beginning-of-fic/first appearance of that character
[14] 1 mistaken identity
[15] 1 commercial
[16] 1 case of amnesia
[17] Brain washing
[18] Pregnancy
[19] 5 mysterious deaths
[20] 1 well-known death
[21] Incest
[22] 1 wedding
[23] A reading of a will
[24] 1 murder
[25] 1 rape
[26] Polygamy (see love triangles)
[27] 1 rich old person
[28] 1 stalker
[29] Organ music
[30] 1 case of necrophilia
[31] 1 mention of soap
[32] 1 use of "ya'all"
[33] 3 clichés or stereotypes
[34] 1 sexchange
[35] 1 show-all and tell-all ending where everything is explained
[36] 1 unlikely/impossible event
[37] 1 semi-permanent/permanent apocalypse (Hint: the end of the world as we know it can be taken all sorts of ways)
[38] 1 fortune teller/palm read/psychic
[39] 1 stupid death (I.e., infected paper cuts, chokes to death mid-BJ, suffocates self with hair...)
[40] 3 ironies
[41] 1 second story window getting knocked on
[42] Secret gay lovers
[43] Secret heterosexual lovers
[44] Secret lesbian lovers
[45] Secret old people shuffle boarding
[46] 1 evil, clichéd villain
[47] 1 blatant character rip-off (i.e., a Bart Simpson look/act-alike)
[48] 1 religious cult
[49] 1 poisoned Kool-Aid
[50] 1 mental problem
[51] 1 supernatural occurrence
[52] 1 case of jealousy
[53] 1 suicide
[54] 1 attempt at/accomplished a raping of the willing (Believe it or not, this was written before reading 'Abuse This' by Sita Seraph. Great minds think alike, ne? I wonder how I came up with it?)
[55] 1 kidnapping
2)Feel free to use the list as a reference beyond the required 10.
3)Crossovers welcome!
4)Any format/style/POV, just as long as 10 of the above are at LEAST mentioned.
5)You can play fast and loose with the list, just as long as what you count as there is faintly there. (Example: Counting someone who was resuscitated after drowning in a dog dish under stupid deaths, deaths/suicide, irony, unlikely event and a miraculous recovery would be acceptable. Counting it as a rape or kidnapping, unless they are directly involved in the event, would not be playing fair.)

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It's for your own good. ^.~ Trust me. Hontou.