A Twisted Faery Tale
Rating: NC-17
Series: Gundam Wing
Genre: Fantasy/Humor
Pairings: 1x2; 3x4; RxNon-character; 5x13/5xShrubbery (You guess which. I don't know)
Spoilers: Beyond None
Warnings: AU, self-insert, appearance of random other fandoms, yaoi, humor, random violence against defenseless fourth walls, more humor, small OOC moments
By Moon Faery
Archived: (eventually at) Moon Faery's Garden (https://www.angelfire.com/anime4/moon_faerys_garden/); FFN Author Moon Faery (http://www.fanfiction.net); Kiss of Death (https://www.angelfire.com/gundam/kissofdeath/); anywhere else that asks nicely.

Disclaimer: A statement created solely to save one's ass from becoming lawn for the proverbial legal mower. I do not own Gundam Wing, nor does anyone I know own it. However, this story line and plot are MINE. (Holds fic close to her.) Grrrr....

Author Notes: Yes, this is taking time away from Unbroken (a lot of it), and I'm sorry about that to the people who are actually waiting for the next part. But writing was starting to become just a tiny bit unfun, so I threw this out just for the heck of it. ^^ This was written specifically so I could use one particular line that has been tickling the back of my mind for days now. Yes, and entire fic, spawned out of one sentence, which turned into one set of sentences, which then evolved into a scene. I just HAD to find a way to use it in a fic. See if you can spot which scene it was. ^~

All of the people used in this are my own personal creations unless they're from an anime series or manga. No characters were harmed in the making of this fic. The READERS, on the other hand...

***

        Long, long ago in a peaceful kingdom far-

        Moon Faery stomped up to the black curtain concealing a little closet-type room and ripped it aside. "Who are you?!"

        The man behind the curtain stared at her. "I'm the narrator."

        The authoress frowned. "And why does this story have an actual narrator, instead of just a disembodied voice like it's supposed to?" She tapped her foot, arms crossed in irritation. Behind her, a black vaguely feline tail twitched in irritation. Her butterfly-like wings fluttered slightly.

        The narrator shrugged. "It's a Fairy Tale; all Fairy Tales have real narrators."

        "Not this one." The authoress glared at the offending literary device. "This is a Faery Tale, not a Fairy Tale, and I'll be telling it MY way. That means no narrator."

        The little man was shocked. "But it's simply not done that way!"

        "Deal with it."

        The narrator grumbled and stepped out of the little room sullenly, stomping off the set.

        The tiny fai- er, Faery-like tale spinner grinned as he left. "Now that THAT's taken care of... Let's get this story rolling!" She clapped her hands together twice and whistled. From the shadows appeared hordes of nearly naked bishounen, each carrying a prop, piece of the set, or other such necessity for a good story. They set everything down and vanished back into the shadows.

        Faery smiled and took a seat on the edge of the stage. "Once upon a thyme..."

***

        Prince Duo of the kingdom Convoitise[1] rolled as he was thrown from his horse and landed on a patch of thyme. This was all that damned Faery's fault! If she hadn't kept him in that stupid tree for so long, he might have made it back to the Palace and found some other way to solve his problem. And what a problem it was...

***flashback***

        As a child and teenager, Duo had been a disappointment to his family. No evil witch had come to his Shinigami-ing, his birthday parties, or even just for lunch. He had not run off to fight in a war, or done anything that had been forbidden, and thus had gained no interesting magical abilities or problems. Beautiful princesses flocked to him by the thousands, but not only was in uninterested in any of them, he had the audacity to be honest to them. There was no suave mannerisms, no charming smiles or flowery quotes of passion. Only blunt, unadorned truth and the occasional joke or sarcastic comment. While this caused many people to like him, and also earned him a large crowd of friends, it eliminated any chance of a love affair between him and the princess of some unfriendly neighboring kingdom.

        He was handsome, of course, but not in a princely way. His long hair was chestnut, not golden. While a prince can get away with long hair, and even the coloring was marginally acceptable because of the red and golden highlights, the length of it made it impossible to keep the mass in a pony tail at the nape of his neck, or to let it hang loose like it was supposed to. Instead Duo wore it in a braid that reached well below his deliciously rounded rear, much to the despair of the royal advisors. All attempts to shorten it had been foiled by the hair itself. No blade, pair of shears or magical implement that was used on it came away undulled, and the hair itself remained unmarred by even a split end. It was perhaps the only magical thing about the Prince for most of his life. His face was pretty in a masculine way, and his large eyes verged on liquid amethyst rather than the sky blue shade they should have been. His skin sometimes tanned to a light brown, but a single day spend indoors would revert it back to a soft ivory, a tone more suited to a princess than a prince.

        When he became old enough to look out for himself, the King and Queen of Convoitise began urging him to take long walks through enchanted woods, failed to introduce him to wicked witches, bought him a spinning wheel and generally did everything they could to force their son into living happily ever after. Eventually they gave up. No monsters attacked him in the woods, and Duo's honesty goaded the local fey and spirits into conversation, rather than attack. Wicked witches either ignored the oversight or stormed into the palace and stormed almost immediately back out after being offered make-overs and a new wardrobe by the prince. The spinning wheel was a disaster of the worst sort. Duo didn't prick a finger, and when his parents demanded that he spin straw into gold simply told them that technically the straw was already gold.

        Frustration only began to describe it.

        When Duo's sixteenth birthday began to approach, the King and Queen spent days planning the party. This was their last chance to provide their son with a happy ending (everyone knew that the story had to start by age sixteen, so the wedding could occur by age seventeen) and they were going to try their hardest to make sure it happened. They planned everything, down to the tiniest detail. Every single being in the kingdom that had any chance of creating an interesting plot was invited (or not invited, as they deemed necessary to ensure attendance). The banquet was the largest the kitchen could produce, and entertainers came from the three corners of the earth. (The fourth corner was on vacation.) Every single princess in existence was gathered, including a few who thought they were actually peasant girls but had been hidden as infants for various reasons.

        The day of Prince Duo's birthday, disaster struck.

        A storm blew out of nowhere (which was to the Southeast of Convoitise) and covered the entire kingdom with sleeting rain, making travel impossible. All of the guests sent in notices that they would be arriving a day late. That was the day Duo saw something he had never seen before in his life. His mother cried.

        The Queen, heartbroken by the realization that her son would never see happily ever after, started weeping after receiving the last message. She explained to Duo why they had acted the way they had, and told him about the importance of his sixteenth birthday. Duo didn't quite understand why they were so worried about happily ever after, but he didn't want his mother to be sad. So he got on his faithful steed Horse and rode as fast as he could into the nearest enchanted wood. As was appropriate when one was looking for trouble, he wandered off the path and followed pointless signs, eventually reaching a giant tree with sign on it reading "the Lemonade Tree" over the a hole in the trunk that resembled as door. In tiny print below the large letters, someone had scribbled, "Make lemonade, not war" in glowing yellow.

        Duo slid down from Horse and stalked up to the door. He pounded on it until it opened with flood of golden light. The prince stepped back and shielded his eyes, barely making out a human figure in the doorway. A faint waft of warm air, tinged faintly with the smell of lemons, drifted out to tickle Duo's cute little nose.

        "Can I help you?" a decidedly masculine voice asked.

        Blinking rapidly, Duo managed to focus his eyes on the person. It was a cute, slender boy with pink hair and large eyes that were only a few shades brighter violet than his own. He was wearing a leather collar and a pair of tiny black leather shorts that were slung low on his hips. The name tag on the collar read "Shuichi".

        "Yeah, I've got a problem, and I was wondering if someone could help me," Duo told him, fighting the urge to turn around a run. Something about this place touched a part of him very deeply hidden, and it was hard to hide that sort of thing in tights.

        Shuichi smiled. "Oh, you! We've been expecting you! Come on!" He turned around an practically bounced back into the tree. Duo hesitated a second, distracted by the white block lettering on the back of Shuichi's shorts that read "Yuki's". He shook off his bemusement and trotted after his guide, closing the door behind him.

        The tree was larger on the inside than it was on the outside, almost seeming to be a completely different world. There were groups of beautiful, nearly naked boys scattered in random locations. Some were talking to each other, others were sleeping, and there was even a dark haired one standing in the middle of the room ranting about justice at the top of his lungs, while a purple haired muscular boy and a man with girl with a paintbrush stuck behind her ear tried to calm him down. Over in the corner a boy dressed in a short skirt and chocolate sauce posed for another girl while she sketched on an art pad. There were a few males that were not of the nearly-nude beautiful variety, but they were few, and some of them were even masquerading as girls.

        Shuichi lead him though this chaos and up a set of stairs, dodging people as though it was second nature. Duo just tagged along and tried to ignore some of the more disturbing things occurring in side corridors and rooms. They came to the next level, and Duo froze. The room was filled with females of all ages with a few boys scattered through the group, and every head turned as they entered. They all held some implement of writing, and every single one of them had a glazed, obsessed look in their eyes. A few were actually drooling, and the smell of lemon was much stronger.

        "Shu-chan!" one girl called, waving a fiery red pompom. "We finally found a flavor of lube that doesn't clash with your hair!"

        Shuichi's eyes brightened. "You did? What?" He ran over to the group excitedly.

        "Watermelon!" a girl with blue hair answered, raising a small tube of something. Shuichi snatched it out of her hand and took off as fast as he could, vanishing through a door marked, "Lemonade in progress: Proceed with caution."

        "Sandra-san!" a boy with strangle pointed ears yelled, grabbing a blonde girl and shoving a notebook in her hand. "Go take notes!"

        Sandra smiled evilly and nodded before running off after Shuichi.

        Duo stood at the head of the stairwell, feeling bereft by the loss of his guide. The feeling was soon replaced by once of accomplishment. He was obviously well on his way to starting his story, if the amount of strangeness in this place was any indication.

        "Hi, Prince Duo of Convoitise!" a cheerful voice chirped from near his feet. He looked down into the large eyes of a green furred squirrel. The critter scampered up to his shoulder. "I'm Cute'n'Fuzzy. We heard that you were coming."

        The prince stared at the animal for a moment before he managed to remind himself that talking animals were normal in a story. "And who is we?"

        Cute'n'Fuzzy bounced on his shoulder. "The Yaoi Writers Guild, of course!"

        There was really nothing that he could say to that.

        The green little rodent prattled on. "Right now, everyone's a little busy trying to get ready for the con coming up in October, but we should be able to fit you into the works."

        "I..." No matter how hard he tried, Duo couldn't think of a single thing to say, so he settled for changing the subject. "I have a problem-"

        "We know," Cute'n'Fuzzy cut him off. "You need to get your story started so your mother will stop crying. Your Author is trying to decide how to handle it right now. I think she's asking some of the lists..."

        "Ah... My Author?"

        "Yup, your Author. She's a little unknown, bu-"

        Someone tapped Duo on the shoulder from behind. The unprincely prince whirled around, coming face-to-face with... himself?!

        The other-Duo was dressed in a robe of thin black silk, and was leading a boy with green eyes and jutting brown hair by a small collar attached to the other boy's neck. "Excuse me," the other-Duo said.

        Prince Duo stepped out of their way and watched blankly as the other version of him lead the boy with the hair to a small cat-girl in a corner.

        "That was... me?" he asked no one in particular, trying to keep his jaw from dropping. He hadn't realized that silk could be quite so... transparent.

        The cute little green rodent shook its head. "No, that was a Duo-muse. You're very different from each other."

        Duo was still staring after his double. "Yeah, but-"

        A loud "THWACK!" echoed through the room.

        "That's our cue!" Cute'n'Fuzzy squealed excitedly, bouncing on Duo's shoulder. "Faery-chan was just trouted!" He bounced down off his perch and began to scamper through the crowd. "Follow me, follow me!" The cute and fuzzy creature led Duo through the mass of Guild members to the far side of the room where a tiny girl with wings and long red hair was crumpled in a heap on the floor. There were swirls in her eyes, and an equally swirly-eyed giant trout was laid out on the floor beside her.

        "... Trouted..?" Duo was seriously starting to reconsider the entire idea. He was sure that his mother wouldn't be too upset if he had to settle for mostly happy ever after...

        The girl on the ground groaned and sat up, the spirals fading out of her eyes. "Hiya, Fuzzball, Du-chan." She shook her head once and then bounded to her feet. "You need a story, ne?" He nodded slowly, and the tiny fair- er, Faery-like girl flew up to tap Duo's nose. "Okay, then, lets go and get you laid- ah, a story." She smiled innocently, large green eyes twinkling with what Duo suspected was not sanity.

        "Ahh, Faery-chan..." The adorable green rodent clears its throat. "What about them?" It's tail pointed at a large crate with "Unbroken Characters" written across it in bright red lettering. The crate was bouncing, and loud curses and screams coming through the air holes, most of them directed at "that bitch authoress who just up and locked us in here".

        Faery shrugged. "What about them?"

        The squirrel actually sweat dropped, which was odd because Duo was fairly sure that squirrels didn't have sweat glands. Then again, he could be wrong.

        The Faery-girl perched on his shoulder, much like where Cute'n'Fuzzy had, and directed him out of the tree and back to Horse, who had wandered off to munch on a patch of pennyroyal and clover.

        Duo's eyes darted around the clearing, noticing that there didn't seem to be a single sign of the storm that had ruined his birthday party. There wasn't even any mud, and the sun was shining brightly overhead. "Where'd the storm go?" He swung up into Horse's saddle, and Faery settled in front of him. She was small enough that it was convenient for her to site directly in front of it without bothering Horse.

        Her bright green eyes looked up at him. "Oh, that was over yesterday," she reassured him. "I couldn't let it go on forever, or it'd ruin the story."

        "YESTERDAY?!"

        "Yes, of course yesterday," the miniature girl answered calmly, nudging Horse with her heels, making him turn off the path to the palace. "You didn't think I'd let you settle for happily ever after, did you?"

        Duo sputtered. "But, my paren-"

        "Oh, hush, or I'll make sure that in the next fic I'll give Hee-chan to Quatre!"

        In the distance, the Fourth Wall finally gave up the ghost and crumbled, leaving only rubble to mark the L.T.M.T.L.T.D.T.L.B.F.A.N.F.[2]

        Faery smiled sheepishly. "Oops?"

        Horse and Duo both jumped at the sound. "What was that?!"

        The tiny Author shook her head and ignored the question. "Alrighty, Duo, you go this way, and I'll make sure you get your story. You'll know when it starts." She nudged Horse into a trot and jumped off his shoulders, zooming through the air before them.

        Duo was definitely having second thoughts. But the thought of his mother back at home kept him from steering off the path the Faery had set him.

        The path passed by small cottages, large castles and through meadows and fields, but there was no sign of the beginning of his story. The entire forest was peaceful, and even the bone crunching ogres and trolls seemed to have taken the day off from bone crunching. The flowers were in bloom, and butterflies flitted through the air, occasionally taking a moment to fly around Prince Duo for no apparent reason.

        It was a perfect Fai- er, Faery Tale setting, which meant that something had to go wrong. And it did.

        Out of heavens, a Booming Voice cracked through the air. "-course I don't want onions!" the Booming Voice that sounded suspiciously like Faery yelled. "Why would I- oh, is this thing on?"

        Strangely enough, Duo could almost hear the sweat drop. He pulled Horse to a stop, looking around the small clearing they were in for the source of the Booming Voice.

        "Oh, um..." the voice coughed. "Prince Duo! Happily every after ends HERE! Bwahahaaa..." The evil laughter trailed off into a series of coughs and gagging noises. "Ugh, I'm never eating rye bread again!"

        This time, Duo really did hear the sweat drop.

        There was a long moment of silence as both sides searched for something to do to end the scene. Finally, the Booming Voice just yelled, "SPOOK already, you stupid horse!"

        And Horse, who always did what he was told except when he didn't want to, spooked.

***end flashback***

        Duo came back to himself when his Valiant Steed, a Arabian-looking (but probably not because we ALL know that Fai- er, Faery tales take place in Europe, usually during the Middle Ages or Rennisance, which means that Arabians are re~eally expensive, and only people with lots of money like royalty or Bill Gates could... Wait a second. Duo's royalty. He's a Prince, of course he can afford a good horse! Okay, it was an Arabian.) golden chestnut stallion with three white stockings, came over and nuzzled his cheek, as if asking why he was down there. The prince laughed and sat up, rubbing the stallion's cheek. "I probably looked pretty stupid just laying there staring at the sky, huh Horse?"

        "I thought you looked delicious," a low, nasal voice said from the shadows at the edge of the clearing. Dark music began to play from somewhere in the treetops, with a bright waterfall of sound from a flute weaving in and out of the theme like a ribbon. "Laying there, helpless, for any big bad wolf who happened to walk by to gobble up..." A dark figure stepped into the light, strangely hot blue eyes fixed on the Prince from beneath tangled chocolate hair. Duo's eyes widened as he stared at the bad guy (of course he was the bad guy, the music said so), nearly drooling. Not only did he has the most gorgeous pair of blue eyes, but he filled out his black tights ve~ery nicely.

        "Wh-who are you?" he asked, tongue feeling thick in his mouth.
***

        "Wait a second!"

        Faery rolls her eyes and looked up as the former narrator began to froth at the mouth. "Can I help you? Maybe a rabies shot?"

        The former narrator waves his hands wildly in the air, nearly getting one chopped off by a low ceiling fan. "That CAN'T be right!" he yelled.

        "Why not?" Moon Faery asked, slightly perturbed.

        "They're both boys! That doesn't happen in Fairy Tales!"

        There was a deadly quiet from the authoress. "Are you saying that there's something wrong with hot steamy sex between two bishounen?" The room darkened, and lighting flickered in the distance.

        The former narrator was not a stupid man, just a bit stuffy. Fortunately, he was not so stuffy as to miss the threatening growls from the various fan girls surrounding him. Hastily, he answered, "Of course not!"

        Faery smiled, and light in room returned to its normal levels. "Then what's wrong?"

        The small man began to search desperately for a convincing complaint. "He's the bad guy! Bad guy's aren't allowed to get the girl!"

        The looked the authoress cast at him was sweetly reasonable. "But he's not getting the girl. He's getting the boy. Pay more attention to the story." That said, she returned to writing.

***

        The bad guy snorted, crossing his arms over a dark blue tunic. "Isn't it obvious? I'm the bad guy."

        Duo rolled his eyes, lust- er, love retreating to a minor throbbing in his... heart. Yeah, that was the body part. ^^ "I knew that. What's your name, and what are you going to do with me?"

        The bad guy looked him up and down slowly, and Duo's pulse sped up. "I am the Wicked Prince Heero, and I'm going to kidnap you, let you send out a plea to a valiant knight or a dozen for rescue, and then wait patiently to ravish you until I've defeated them all."

        For some reason, Duo didn't quite like the way that sounded. "Why not ravish me now?" he suggested, playing with the end of his braid. "It would cut through a lot of the other stuff."

        Heero shook his head regretfully. "The narrator is holding my laptop hostage. He said he'll spill soda on the keyboard if we don't do at least one thing the way we're supposed to."

***

        The narrator clung by his legs and an arm to the top of the draperies, hugging Heero's laptop to his chest and giggling incoherently. Below him, the group of fan girls were in a huddle, whispering. The occasional glance was cast at him, but it was almost immediately lowered.

        "So it's decided?" one girl asked.

        "HAI!" all the others chorused.

        "Good. Bring in the stick!" The group parted as another girl came in, carrying a long stick with a hook on the end. From his spot above them, the narrator hissed and cradled the laptop closer.

        Faery looked up from writing to take not of the chaos. She nodded and craned her neck to wink at the audience. "Don't worry, folks. The situation's being handled."

***

        "Oh." Duo pouted for a second, expressive eyes deepening to dark lavender. "I guess this means that you have to take me back to your castle now, huh?" He brushed the tassel of his braid slowly up and down his neck. "And watch me constantly to make sure I don't escape?" He licked his lips slowly, a small smile flickering over them. "Even when I'm bathing I suppose, or I could drown myself in the bathtub..."

        Various images flashed before Heero's eyes before his imagination finally settled on the bathing scene. He realized that his job as the villain was going to be much harder (in more ways than the G-rated type) than he'd been led to believe. The temptation to just forget his laptop and jump the beautiful captive was enormous, but he barely managed to restrain himself. "Exactly. Follow me, please." Trusting the rules of the Fai- er, Faery Tale, specifically the one that stated that a captive would follow his/her captor's orders, whether they had to or not, he turned around and started walking back to the castle. Behind him, Duo grabbed Horse's reins and jogged after the delectable villain.

        'Maybe this won't be so bad after all...'

        Both of them stopped walking.

        "What was that?" Duo asked, looking around for the source of the voice over.

        Heero shrugged, but lifted a branch of a nearby bush and peered under. What he saw is best left unsaid (this IS a 1x2 story after all), but it made him blush a bright red, and set the limb back down.

        "Injustice!" something inside the bush complained, in typical Clished-Wufei-Style-That-Was-Only-Used-Because-Faery-Was-Fairly-Sure-That-Everyone-Would-Recognize-The-Source-Of-The-Exclamation.

        The talking shrubbery rustled slightly and sprouted roses.

        The voice moaned.

        And we shall leave it at that. ^^ Back to the Main Characters!

        Heero moved away from whatever it is that he saw, accidentally backing into his captive. Duo, who was too busy looking for the voice over to see Heero's yummy rear come at him, understandably tripped. He flailed, half twisting in a vain attempt to stop himself from falling. All he managed to do was grab the front of Heero's tunic and pull the villain down on top of him.

        The two boy- one good, one not-so-good (It's HEERO, for Cheese Whiz's sakes! He CAN'T be evil. Well, not in this story anyway.) boy were cute nose to cute nose. It took a few seconds for their minds to register the fact. Their bodies, on the other hand, were several steps ahead of their minds, and had been since puberty. They knew what they wanted, and took the steps necessary to getting it.

        "... Hey Heero?"

        "Yes?"

        "Am I the only one who has a sudden craving for chocolate?"

        "No, Duo, you're not."

        "Can we go get some then?"

        "... Sure."

***

        Back at the Lemonade Tree, everyone (even the narrator, who was still on the curtains) stared and sweat dropped as Faery stopped writing to look for a chocolate bar.

***

        At the Bad Guy's Castle, Heero and Duo were satisfying Fae- um.... their craving with chocolate dipped strawberries, with lots and lots of whipped cream. They sat side by side on a sofa-like piece of furniture, both thoroughly enjoying the treat. However, the Beautiful Prince Duo was too busy watching the Wicked Prince Heero lick the whipped cream off the strawberry to really pay much attention to his own. He was fairly sure that his story had started, which meant that he was on his way to happily ever after. He wasn't very sure that he still wanted it, though, since he hadn't even wanted it in the first place. What was worse, happily ever after meant that Heero would have to be vanquished, since he was the bad guy and all, and he wasn't sure he wanted that. Absently, he took a bite of his strawberry, licking a little bit of cream off his lips.

        Heero's eating faltered slightly.

        Though Duo wasn't really paying much attention, his sharp eyes caught the tiny stutter in the dark prince's motions. Thoughtfully, he took another bite of his strawberry.

        This time the hesitation was much more pronounced as Heero took several seconds to stare intently at Duo's mouth before shaking it off and returning to his own food.

        A slow grin began to creep across Duo's lips. To test his theory, he took another bite, and then slowly proceeded to lick every bit of juice, cream and chocolate off. Heero didn't even pretend to turn his attention back to eating.

        Bingo. Heero, nothing; Duo, hopefully about to get some.

        Heero eyed his captive hungrily. His laptop's life was at stake, but it was becoming difficult to control himself. There was something about the other Prince that made everything else seem to fade away into unimportance. Absently, he found himself wondering if evil villains before him had found themselves in similar situations. If so, it would explain why the good guys always won.

        "Hey, Heero?" Duo purred, leaning over until he was practically in his captor's lap. His eyes seemed to glow, hot with lust and sugar. "I think it's time I took that bath no-"

        Heero jumped up, spilling Duo onto the floor. "Letters!" he exclaimed. "You have to send out letters to be rescued!" Without even looking at Duo, he strode out of the room, trying to tug his tunic down to hide his erection, which was very visible in his tights. Duo tagged along, a small grin on his face.

        'Remember the laptop. Remember the laptop. Remember the laptop,' Heero repeated silently. An effort to bring up an image of it produced only a short fantasy involving Duo and whipped cream "I'm doomed," he groaned softly.

        Behind him, Duo's grin got wider.

***

        Back at the palace of the kingdom of Convoitise, the Queen was pacing back and forth in front of the throne. The King was away doing King-like things. (Playing with toy soldiers.) A blonde young man in armor kneeled before her, head bowed.

        "My son has been missing for two days! No one's seen him since he ran out," the high-strung Queen wailed, twisting a handkerchief to pieces as she paced. Her twin braids bounced where they were connected at the back of her head, and her cornflower blue eyes shined with tears. "I'm so worried about him!"

        "Yes, Queen Relena," the blonde knight answered softly, not even looking up. [3]

        Looking up from the hanky she was mutilating, the Queen looked at her chosen warrior with sad eyes. "Sir Blondie, I want you to-" Relena began, but she was cut off by the knight.

        "Your Majesty, that's not my name," he reminded her gently.

        She blinked. "Yes it is."

        "No it's not."

        Relena stamped her foot. "Yes it is! And I'll prove it to you!" She pulled a giant book out of... somewhere, and began flipping through it. On the book cover was written "A Twisted Faery Tale: the Script" in gold lettering. "Ah-hah! Here it is!" The Queen turned and showed the Knight the page she was looking at, which was the cast list. "See? Sir Blondie: Noble rescuer of Prince Duo, knight extrodianaire and great in the sack."

        Climbing to his feet, the knight grabbed the script and stared at it. "Why me?"

        "Because you're cute?" Relena offered.

        Sir Blondie sweat dropped. "Let's just finish the scene." Grumbling slightly, he went back to his kneeling position while Relena resumed pacing.

        Looking up from the hanky she was mutilating, the Queen looked at her chosen warrior with sad eyes. "Sir Blondie, I want you to go to the Enchanted Wood of the Hentai and find my son! His hand in marriage will be your reward should you bring him back alive."

        "Yes, your Majesty." Standing, Sir Blondie executed a creaky bow and exited the throne room, stalking down the stone corridor it what could best be called a hissy fit.

        As he passed the kitchen, someone called, "Quatre!"

        Quatre- a.k.a. Sir Blondie- stopped and looked up. Above him, hanging by his knees from a wooden support beam, was a nearly naked wood nymph. His green eyes almost glowed in the semi-darkness of the hallway, for once unhidden by his bangs, which were hanging upside down with the rest of him. Quatre very nearly choked on his own drool.

        "Quatre, where are you going?" the nymph asked, swinging back and forth. Well, there wasn't exactly much else he could so, was there?

        The knight snorted in disgust. "I have to go rescue Prince Duo," he explained shortly, wincing in distaste.

        Crossing his arms over a bare chest, Trowa eyed him with speculative green eyes. He flipped down from his beam, somehow maintaining eye contact. "You don't want to be the hero in this story, I take it?"

        "Would you want to go to the Enchanted Woods just to rescue and marry someone who'll spend the rest of his life driving you to drink and suicide?" Quatr- em, Sir Blondie asked dryly, raising a- yep, you guessed it- blonde eyebrow.

        "Then why do it?" the nymph asked reasonably, leaning back against a wall with a small smile curving his lips. "There's no way you could rescue him if you got lost."

        Quatre started to say something, but paused before a single syllable had been said. Licking his lips, his eyes took on a hungry gleam (scarily similar to the one Duo usually sports). "And if someone just... happened to be passing by and helped me find my way, I'd have to find someway to repay them before moving on, wouldn't I?" Smoothly, he slid towards Trowa, who's eyes were glowing a darker shade of green.

        "Mm-hm," the taller boy nodded in agreement, skin heating. "You know, I was just thinking of doing some... hunting," he murmured huskily. "Maybe I'll see you."

        Sir Blondie nodded. "Maybe indeed," he smirked, stepping back a few paces. "I should probably go get my supplies. Catch me later." Grinning, he turned and started running for the stables. Behind him, Trowa was already on his way to the woods. The day was definitively looking up for both of them.

        And there goes any real worries about Duo being rescued anytime soon.

***

        At the Bad Guy's Castle, the sun was setting, and Duo's hand was cramping up from writing too much. Biting his lip, he examined his latest effort. It began with a short explanation of his situation and finished with a... well, colorful request for help with directions to the castle, all in his trademark graceless scrawl. It was the final letter in a series of twelve, each addressed to a knight or prince well known for valor and their fighting skill. Absently massaging his hand, he examined the letter one final time, muttering to himself and checking the directions. A quick scan through the text assured him that yes, he had included the left turn at Albuquerque. "Then I'm done." Still rubbing his hand, he sat back in his chair.

        Heero watched his captive from across the room, eyes narrowed. He could see Duo's lips move as he talked to himself, but it was soft enough that he couldn't quite hear what he was saying. Some small part of him wasn't happy with that, telling the rest of him that every word Duo spoke was important, and something to be treasured. The rest of him told that part to shut up, since it was too busy watching Duo to care what he was saying.

        Ah, the joys of teenage hormones.

        In fact, he was so busy watching Duo that he didn't notice when he spoke to him. "Hn?" Looking up, Heero blinked as he realized that Duo had stood up and was slowly stretching his arms over his head, wincing as his back popped. Heero's ocean blue eyes became very large, but he managed to stop himself from drooling. Mostly, at least. "What was that?"

        Duo twisted, arms still above his head, his gem-like eyes focusing on the villain. A mischievous smile quirked his lips. "I said, I suppose it's time for that bath now, hm?"

        The Wicked Prince Heero nodded, still not listening with his full attention. "Yeah."

        Duo snickered. It was obvious that Heero didn't know what he'd just agreed to, but there was no way he was going to pass up the chance. "Well, then, let's go!" Grabbing Heero's arm as he passed him by, barely getting any resistance, since the Hamster that usually worked the wheel in Heero's brain had vanished mysteriously. Understandably, he was thinking with the head that was NOT on his shoulders, and was halfway down the hall with Duo before the Hamster's replacement came back from its coffee break.

        "WHAT?!" he finally exclaimed, taking back control of his.. um... err... Yeah. ^-^ "Where are we going?!"

        The chestnut haired captive Prince looked back at the lust of his life innocently. "I'm going to bathe. I thought I told you that," he explained slowly and loudly, in one of those voices people always use on little kids and really old people.

        "Then why the hell are you dragging ME along with you?!" Heero asked, trying to tug his arm free of Duo hold. Not that it was doing any good, but he had to try. He was seriously starting to consider gnawing his arm off when Duo smiled disarmingly at him.

***

        "Ugh! Faery, you can't!"

        "That's just low!"

        "FAERY!"

        Various fan girls crowded around the author, protesting the horrible pun. Behind them, the narrator still fought for his freedom up on the drapes. He was busily trying to make them swing enough to reach the chandelier.

        "What?!" Moon Faery glared around at the dissidents. "Look, either back off or I won't do a lemon scene!"

        The sudden vanishing of the fan girls caused a rush of sound not unlike thunder as the air rushed to fill the total vacuums left by their disappearances.

        "I thought so," Faery muttered, turning back to the fic.

***

        Duo batted his long eyelashes at his captive. Or would that be captor? Well, either way, their captive/captor relationship was seriously screwed up. "'Cause you don't want me to run away."

        "But..." Panic ran tiny chills up and down Heero's spine, through his stomach and up his... Never mind. He found himself envisioning Duo, in a bath of hot water, with various oils and lotions to help... 'NO! I have to resist the tempting, beautiful, sultry...' His laptop was a good as dead.

        Meanwhile, the long haired prince turned hunter saw the fear in his preys eyes. He could already taste the end of the long chase near. For some reason, it tasted like beef jerky. "Come on, Heero. There's a large window in the bathroom. What if I climb out it, and fall and get hurt?" Honest worry shined in Duo's eyes. Well, Heero told himself that it was honest worry, but a later evaluation would show it to be pure, cunning and lust. Mainly lust. Okay, almost entirely lust, and the cunning was directly linked to Duo's crotch, rather than his other head, so it could be said to be an offshoot of Duo's primal fear of blue balls.

        That was why he never played pool.

        Unfortunately, Heero wasn't exactly in the best of conditions to be realizing any of this. Two parts of him were warring with each other, and it's bound to distract just about anyone when there are two people inside your head trying to beat each other up. So he took Duo's expression at face value and nodded his consent. Duo immediately grinned and hauled him off to the bathing room.

        What followed was three straight hours of pure torture for Heero. First, Duo stripped down to his hair and grin while Heero did his best to stare fixedly at the wall directly behind Duo's shoulder. Not that it really did any good, with all that smooth white skin revealed. And the hair didn't help either, always catching the golden candlelight and drawing Heero's gaze just as the captured Prince was stretching, or bending over to remove his boots or tights. Within the first ten minutes, Heero had almost completely forgotten about the danger to his beloved laptop. But not quite.

        Then the tease knelt down and started adding things to the bathwater. It would have been bearable for the poor, sex-starved villain, except Duo kept leaning over the rim of the tub, still on his knees, to sniff the water before adding a few more drops of whatever it was he was putting in it.

        After was water was seasoned, Duo slid into it, his small sigh of appreciation almost lost in the sloshing. Then he ducked under and came back up glistening with water droplets and a very thin layer of oil from the scentings. They were caught in his lashes like tiny beads of light. Not that Heero noticed, since he was on his knees in a corner, praying under his breath by then.

        "... and if you make him stop, I'll give you ANYTHING you want. Money, power, things to blow up. Just make it stop," he practically sobbed, knuckles going white as he clenched his fists. "Please! ANYTHING! Just make me straight!"

        And the author merely laughed and continued typing.

        "Hee~ero..." Duo purred from the bath, moving around until he was resting his arms and chin on the edge of the large tub. "What are you doing?"

        Heero looked up from his devotions, blue eyes taking in the image of a dripping wet Duo, eyes half-lidded while candles filled the room with a soft glow and danced on his skin.

        Praying almost immediately descended into groveling. From there, he moved onto whimpering pitifully in a corner and trying to hide his eyes. After Duo finished bathing and was fully dressed once again, it took him almost another whole hour to get him to come out of his corner. After that, all Duo could do was tuck him into his bed try to fall asleep, already plotting for the next day.

        Well, that was assuming Heero managed to stop rocking back and forth, muttering, "Make him stop make him stop make him stop," by then.

***

        Heero woke up slowly from his nightmare. It was all a giant blur, but he could barely remember flashes of soft skin and long hair, but behind it all a madman was threatening the single constant in his villainous life if he tried anything. He wasn't sure where the lemon trees or blue and purple eyed rabbits humping each other fit into the dream, but they were there too. It was odd, because the purple eyed rabbits looked familiar in some way... Rolling over under the thick quilt, he pondered this familiarity, blinking his eyes sleepily and looking straight at...

        The overly horny purple eyed jackrabbit from his dream.

        THUD!

        Prince Duo sat up in bed, staring blankly at Heero, who was on the floor staring back. His loose linen shirt hung off of one shoulder, highlighting it's muscular roundness and the pale ivory of his skin.

        "What are you doing in my bed?" Heero asked, trying to shove the rabbits out of his mind.

        Duo grinned and let his head fall until it was resting on his shoulder. "You never told me where my room was," he explained easily, his tone light. "So I thought I'd stay here for the night."

        The Wicked Prince just stared. "I showed you the guest rooms." He could feel a tick developing under his right eye.

        "But you didn't tell me which one to take," Duo explained again patiently. Then he patted the bed beside him. "Now get back up here. It's not even dawn yet."

        Slowly, Heero inched his way back up onto the bed, slightly relieved that they were both still partially dressed. Finally back in the warm spot he had literally jumped out of minutes ago, Heero relaxed ad closed his eyes, finally feeling safe. Surely Duo wouldn't try anything at this late hour, when they were both so tired.

        Yeah, I know. He's not the brightest crayon in the box sometimes, is he?

        The bed shifted slightly. Heero frowned, but assumed that Duo was simply making himself comfortable. It moved again. Heero was just about to open his eyes to find out what was happening when he was suddenly pinned down by a squirming bundle of Prince. His eyes flew open just in time to see Duo's lips descend upon his own.

        He would have liked to say that he was paralyzed, or that he shoved Duo off, or even that he screamed like a girl and fainted. Of course these would all be huge lies, so he didn't say that. Not to mention that the girly screaming thing would have had some serious effects on his reputation.

        No, as Duo's lips slowly caressed his own, Heero found himself returning the favor. It was a short, chaste kiss, but it definitely RAISED some issues.

        The supposedly good-guy Prince Duo grinned down into Heero's ocean blue eyes, his hair falling around them to create a small curtain of mahogany privacy. "And here I thought you were gonna curl up in a corner. Again." He leaned down lower until his nose was brushing Heero's, eye sliding slightly closed. "So, about that ravishing..?"

        Heero's eyes flew wide as he suddenly realized what was happening. Duo was seducing him. And pretty successfully, too. Scrambling backwards until he was sitting with his back against the headboard, he shook his head. "I already told you that I'm not going to do have my wicked way with you until after I defeat all your rescuers."

        Duo pouted, eyes seeming to grow gigantic in his face. "Please?"

        "No."

        "Yes." Smooth, pale limbs moved gracefully as Duo moved closer to Heero.

        "No!" Heero inched backwards even farther, trying to inconspicuously merge until he was one with the wood of the head board. Kind of like a well baked hippy and the universal All. It didn't work, but it wasn't for a lack of effort.

        "Yes!" the long haired boy purred triumphantly, wrapping his arms around the villain's neck and straddling his thighs.

        "No," Heero whimpered, feeling helpless as he drowned in the waves of pure predatory sexuality that were rolling off of Duo. Leaning forward unconsciously, his lips brushed against Duo's lightly.

        Duo pressed closer, licking his lips. This was it. He could feel Heero about to give into him. "Ye... wait a second." He blinked and sat upright.

        "What?!" Heero couldn't believe how frustrated he was. He was almost ready to forget everything and screw Duo's brains out in as un-Fairy, but oh so Faery Tale fashion as he could imagine, and the tease stopped!

        "What are we arguing about again?" Duo asked, genuine confusion in his eyes. He'd gotten so busy seducing Heero that he'd forgotten what they were talking about.

        A rather large sweat drop appeared on the back of Heero's head, almost directly opposite of a large vein. "You're trying to convince me to let you have my wicked way with you."

        "Oh. I thought I was trying to convince you to let me have your wicked way with me."

        "... Is there a difference?"

        The beautiful captive took a moment to think about this. "I don't think so...."

        Needless to say, this confused Heero almost as much as the not-knowing of what they had been arguing had confused Duo. "So why were we arguing?"

        "It's a Faery Tale, and you're the bad guy. You can't have your wicked way with me until you defeat the good guy." There was definitely a small touch of pissiness in Duo's voice, probably caused by twelve hours of not getting any no matter how hard he tried.

        Heero jumped right to the point, since he REALLY didn't want to wait to tie Duo down and ram him into the bed. "When will the good guy arrive so I can defeat him?"

        "In a few days I think."

        "... What will we do in the meantime?

        A small grin quirked up the right side of Duo's mouth, making him look more deliciously evil than even Heero was capable of. "You can have your wicked way with me to pass the time."

        Heero shrugged, not immediately seeing the fallacy in Duo's logic. "Why not?" He wrapped his arms around Duo's neck and pulled him down for a long, deep kiss. Suddenly, insane laughter echoed through the room, making the two boys pull away from each other, eyes wide.

        "The narrator," Duo groaned, burring his face in the crook of Heero's neck, nearly in tears. He'd been so close...

***

        The narrator swung from the chandelier, holding a cup of cream soda over the black, battered laptop threateningly and laughing maniacally.

        "Yes! If you break the rules of the Fairy Tale, your laptop will be forever lost, Heero Yuy!" he cackled, throwing his head back.

        "GET 'IM!" an authoritative voice called. There was a Xena-like war-cry, and the narrator turned, only to be kicked off his perch by a fan girl dressed in a feminized version of a Robin Hood costume. The laptop and soda flew through the air, even though he fell straight to the floor with what everyone present would later describe as "a bone crunching, but satisfying thunk".

        "CATCH THE LAPTOP!" someone screamed. Several people grabbed up pillows and dived for it, but it was an ecstatic fan boy wearing a pair of blue contacts and spandex who saved the portable computer. Grabbing it from the Utena pillow he'd caught it on, the boy clutched it to his body with one hand while flashing a peace sign with the other. A flashy orange and blue background appeared behind him, ala Pokemon. "I caught Heero's Laptop!"

        The entire room sweat dropped.

***

        Heero felt the change go through the atmosphere of the scene, a vague ripple moving through the air. Suddenly, the aura of hesitation and reluctant innocence was gone, replaced with something much more primal. And perverted. Somehow he knew that his laptop was safe, and all bets on this being a PG rated story went out the window. So did their shirts.

        "HEERO?!" Duo gasped. He'd been too deep in self pity to feel the change in the story line. So when Heero ripped his shirt off and went for the throat, placing small nips and kisses down it's length. Since this tale was set in the middle ages, Duo hadn't been wearing anything other than the linen shirt, so when it was gone he was left naked and vulnerable to the big bad villain.

        "Ooh, yeah, I like this part of the story," Duo half moaned as Heero's hand slid down his back to cup Duo's rear and pull them together. Their erections slid against each other, making them both gasp at the friction. Heero moved back up to kiss Duo, his tongue delicately tracing his soon-to-be lover's lips before plunging in, claiming Duo's mouth, which still tasted faintly of strawberries. Ever so slowly, he leaned forward, forcing Duo to lay back on the bed, legs bent around Heero's waist. His hands, with their long nimble fingers were everywhere, caressing and pinching, making Duo arch into Heero's arms more. The long haired prince made tiny sounds of pleasure as the darker boy ravished him, almost missing the moment when an oil-slickened finger slid into him, working carefully to stretch the tight ring of muscle.

        Duo's lungs grabbed for air desperately as he pulled away from Heero's lips, trying to focus his mind. Where had it gone wrong? Just a few minutes ago, he'd been in control, and now he was having trouble remembering to breathe. "He- Heero-ooohhh?" he asked shakily, moaning as another finger was carefully inserted. "I- I... aaahhhhh...." Duo desperately tried to gather his lust-fogged thoughts, but it wasn't working.

        "Yes, Duo?" Heero asked huskily, voice almost a whisper as he scissored his fingers, twisting them slightly inside the other prince.

        "You... oh God..." Liquid violet-blue eyes flashed open as Heero's searching fingers hit something. "More!" he almost screamed, hands clenching against the smooth skin of Heero's back, drawing tiny furrows with his nails. Involuntarily, his hips snapped up against Heero's.

        Midnight blue eyes closed tightly as Heero hissed, the slight pain on his back contrasting wonderfully against the sensations emanating from his groin, sharpening everything into sharp relief. Deciding that the boy was ready, he removed his fingers and lifted Duo's legs up onto his shoulders, positioning himself carefully. He took the opportunity to coat his erection in more oil, but did as quick a job as was possible.

        A small whimper clawed it's way out of Duo's throat as Heero paused, the head just barely nudging against him. He opened his eyes to see Heero looking down at him, hunger making his eyes gleam. "Are you ready?" he asked, voice rough with suppressed need.

        "Please!"

        It was as close to begging as Duo would ever come, but it worked. Slowly, Heero slid into Duo, jaw clenched as he fought to keep himself from just ramming into the other boy. Finally he was all the in, and both princes took deep breaths, watching each other through half lidded eyes as they adjusted to the feelings.

        After that seemingly endless moment, Duo began to wiggle, trying unsuccessfully to force Heero to move. A small smirk crossed Heero's face as he watched Duo squirm in every way he could to get what he wanted, but the Wicked Prince grabbed his lover's hips to keep him from moving too much. Finally, even the bad guy couldn't watch Duo struggle against the torture. Pulling back a few inches, Heero paused only a second before ramming back into Duo, who mewed his approval hoarsely and pushed back, trying to get more. Heero thrust into him again, and again, until the bed frame was trembling beneath them, and Duo's screams were echoing down the stone hallway. Fumbling, Heero reached between them and stroked Duo's length.

        Duo's screams, which before had been extremely loud, picked up in volume as Heero caressed him. It was all it took to send Duo over the edge, taking Heero with him. They collapsed onto the bed in a sweaty heap of tangled limbs and slightly sticky hair. Duo cuddled up against Heero, murmuring sleepily. Against his worse natured, Heero allowed himself to be cuddled, and even stroked Duo's long, now beautifully tumbled hair as they fell asleep.

        And though they didn't live happily ever after, they still managed blissfully and creatively ever after.

***Epilogue***

        The Wicked Prince Heero sent out the letters, but for some reason none of the potential rescuers ever arrived to claim Duo. When he asked his lover about it, Duo just shrugged and said something about possibly getting the directions wrong on accident. There was something slightly wrong about the explanation, but Heero didn't argue, since it meant that Duo was officially his. They were married in a small ceremony one year after they met, the "bride" dressed in black because he didn't want anyone thinking that he belonged in white.

        This, naturally, lead to Duo, the bride, hauling his new husband off to show him exactly why he didn't belong in white. Not that Heero didn't believe him, or had any complaints. Later, the guests heard noises coming from under the buffet table, but no one bothered to investigate.

        And Heero had finally discovered the meaning behind his dream of the amethyst-eyed, overly-horny jackrabbit.

        Sir Blondie appeared at the wedding, explaining that he'd gotten lost in the woods, and had only managed to find his way out, with the help of a friendly local nymph. Unfortunately, the local nymph had somehow managed to get lost too, which explained their year-long absence.

        Neither knight nor nymph looked all that unhappy about being lost for so long, though, and both of them walked with a decidedly odd limp.

        The Queen also came to the wedding, dragging her faceless husband with her to see their child married. She wailed pitifully when she learned that Duo had not gotten Happily Ever After, but was later heard to remark, while the noises were coming from the buffet table, that at least her son had chosen someone handsome, and apparently with a lot of stamina.

        Later, after the honeymoon, Duo stared at his husband's peaceful face. Something had been bothering him, a question so deep that it held the potential to forever change their relationship.

        "Heero, why are you so attached to that laptop?"

        Heero looked deeply into his loves eyes. It was time to face the truth. "It vibrates."

***OWARI 05.07.02***

[1] Convoitise is French for lust. (Or at least that's what the translator at Altavista said...)

[2] the L.T.M.T.L.T.D.T.L.B.F.A.N.F.: the Line That Marks The Line That Defines The Line Between Fiction And Non-Fiction.

[3] YES! Relena's is really Duo's long-lost mother! Bwahahahahaaaa!!!!!

[4] I'm sorry if the lemon scene sucked. I haven't written one in almost two years, so I'm out of practice.

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