The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

People like that are the reason we have middle fingers. 

I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day, tomorrow doesn't look good either.

Don't convince them, confuse them.

"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us."
-Calvin & Hobbs

"... and remember boys and girls, always giggle hysterically after you kill someone, for you can't have slaughter without laughter."
-Chris Thornton

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they will never cease to be amused.

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical questions?

The ten most terrifying words in the English language are "I'm from the government and I'm here to help you."

"Life is like a box of chocolates.
It's a cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that no one ever asks for.
Unreturnable because all you'll get back is another box of chocolates.
So you're stuck with mostly indefinable whipped mint crap, mindlessly wolfed down when there's nothing else to eat while you're watching the game.
Sure, once in a while you'll get a peanut butter cup or an English toffee, but it's gone too fast and the taste is fleeting.
In the end, you're left with nothing but hardened jelly and teeth shattering nuts, which if you're desperate enough to eat leaves nothing but an empty box of useless brown paper wrappers."
-Cancer Man from The X-Files

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

I took an I.Q. test and the results were negative.

"A person is smart; people are dumb panicky dangerous animals and you know it."
-Agent K from MIB

A synonym is a word you use in place of one you can't spell.

3 can keep a secret if 2 of them are dead.

I play sports... on my Nintendo.....

 "Mulder, are you all right?"
"Yeah, luckily my @$$ broke my fall!"
-Mulder & Scully, X-Files episode 'The Goldberg Variation'

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Killing never solves anything, but it keeps people out of your way while you think of what to do next.

I'm not breaking the rules. I'm just testing their elasticity.

  I don't suffer from insanity. I love every minute of it.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Chaos, panic, disorder.... My work here is done.

Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run. Death hates that.

The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer.

If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is actually kind of neat.

Don't steal, the government hates competition.

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Friends come, and friends go, but enemies accumulate.

Falling doesn't kill you, it's the sudden stop at the end.