Signs you won't be qualifying for the U.S. Olympic Team:

-You keep accidentally burning your wrestling opponents with your cigarette.
-You can't fit your thighs between the parallel bars.
-When you hear the starter's pistol, you ball up like a frightened armadillo. 
-Whenever you enter a locker room, people automatically hand you their towels. 
-The only aspect of weight lifting you have any talent for is the grunting. 
-Duck, duck, goose is not yet an Olympic event. 
-When you get out of bed in the morning, you have trouble nailing the dismount.

A man left Chicago for a vacation in Key West. His wife was on a business trip and planned to fly down to meet him the next day. When the man arrived in Florida, he E-mailed his wife to let her know he had arrived, but mistyped her address. 
Instead of to his wife, his message went to the inbox of a woman whose husband had just passed away. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she read the message, screamed and passed out cold. The woman's daughter rushed into the room and found this note on the computer screen. 
"My darling wife: Just checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to being with you again. Your loving husband. P.S.- Sure is hot down here!"

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for their flight to take off and they are getting a bit impatient. But the airport staff has assured them that the pilots will be there soon and the flight can take off immediately thereafter. The entrance opens and two men walk up the isle, dressed in pilots' uniforms- both are wearing dark glasses. One is using a seeing eye dog, and the other is tapping his way up the isle with a white tipped cane. 
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit. The door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing around, nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a little  practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and people at the windows realize they are headed straight for the edge of the water at the end of the airport's property. It begins to look like they will never take off. That it will plow right into the water! Panicked screams fill the cabin. 
Then the plane lifts off without incident. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. 
Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns the the pilot and says "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late and we're all gonna die!"

Signs of the Times

--Vets office:
"All unattended children given free kitten"
--Plumber:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
--Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
--At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
--Door of a plastic surgeon's office:
"Hello, can we pick your nose?"
--Sign at the psychic's Hotline:
"Don't call us, we'll call you."
--At a Towing Company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
--Billboard on the side of the road:
"Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs."
--On an Electricians truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

--On Maternity Room Door:
"Push, Push, Push."
--At an Optometrists Office:
"If you don't see what your looking for you've come to the right place."
--On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
--In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
--On a fence:
"Salesmen Welcome, Dog food is expensive."
--Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary, we'll hear you coming."
--In a Veterinarians waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"
--Inside a Bowling Alley:
"Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop."
--In a counselors office:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional."