“Triton! Hurry up! We’re next!” Catharine called.
“Coming sis!” I called back.
It was time for her knife-throwing act. Catharine was really the star of the circus, but she never seemed to notice. And though it annoyed me sometimes when she called me her “little doll” I wasn’t about to give her the satisfaction of letting her know that.
The problem with having a sister whose job is to throw knives at you is that it is probably a bad idea to piss her off. Luckily for me, Cat and I have always gotten along really well. Maybe that’s because our parents died when we were really young, so we only really ever had each other. Who can really say? I cannot remember our parents, but in truth, I’m happy just to have Catharine--she’s the only family I need. Still, sometimes I get a little tired of being just a circus clown and wonder if maybe there’s something more out there, a life outside of work. Yeah, I’ll admit it, I wonder what the real world is like and if it is a cruel place--sometimes.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve gone on a few dates, kissed a few girls who I guess were pretty by all the usual standards, but I don’t really know what the big deal is. I mean, is that all there is, work and kissing girls? If that’s the case, then I guess life is pretty boring after all.
So here I am on L5, half-mask donned, while sis throws knives at me. All I have to do is stand still, which is hardly a challenge, and we’ve been through this drill a million times. I trust her so much I’m not really paying much attention. Just stand perfectly still; that’s my job, and later, I do my act with the lions. I’m pretty good with animals, but (as Cat says) I’m a lot like a wild beast sometimes, and besides, they know I’m not their enemy, so they’ll do just about anything I ask them to.
Anyway, like I was saying, sis is doing her thing, and I’ve just got to stand there, so, bored as I am, I just sorta stare out into the crowd. It’s funny actually, because sometimes they look really scared, as if their lives would be affected in some way if she hit me, even though we’ve never met, or as if she’s throwing the knives at them.
But this time I notice something different in the crowd, or more specifically, someone. There’s a boy who’s just sitting there sort of blank-faced, disconnected—actually, as I watch him, I think he looks kind of pissed off. I can tell he doesn’t want to be here. Just looking at his posture you can tell that he has a million better things to do. But what’s this feeling in me? My heart is pounding like I’m on an adrenaline rush and I have no idea why. All I can think is, ‘God, he’s beautiful.’ And as I think it, I can’t believe I’m thinking it, but he’s so gorgeous that I just let myself think whatever I want. I want to know who he is; I want to know him. The fact that at the end of the night when the show’s over he’ll disappear and I may never see him again hurts. ‘Beautiful.’
Before I knew it, it was over and I had to go backstage once again. I wanted to peek out and stare at him some more, but I restrained myself. It would have been too difficult explaining myself and I couldn’t be bothered with it. But before I can even get him all the way out of my mind, Catharine’s voice is hitting my ears and she’s bellowing at me. “What the hell was that about?!?” she asked and I thought, ‘uhoh, she’s pissed.’ Though I couldn’t imagine why she was pissed.
“What was what about?” I asked defensively, still totally oblivious to what I could have done to bother her so much. I mean, I was just STANDING there. What was the big deal?
“Your eyes changed. And worse yet, you MOVED Triton! I could have taken your ear off!”
Now it was my turn to be pissed. “I DID NOT move!” I told her. “I NEVER move!” But even as I speak, I’m unsure, I’d been in lala land the second I saw that boy, that gorgeous boy, and…could I have moved? No. No way.
“I KNOW you never move Triton. That’s why I’m concerned. What did you see out there?” she asked, her voice calming to that ‘I’m your older sister and I’m worried about you’ tone that she had.
“Nothing,” I answered frankly. A lie, I knew it, a big fat lie, possibly the biggest I’d ever told. But I didn’t feel guilty. There was no need for her to be prying around in my life, or my thoughts for that matter. They were disturbing enough for me without having to share them.
“Nothing?” Ah, sarcasm. Cat was good at sarcasm when she wanted to be, and leaning to one side with her hand on her hip and her head cocked, her ‘nothing?’ translated rather well into, ‘you’re full of it.’ “That’s right,” I answered, officially determined to be completely aloof and a little stubborn. I was really digging my heels in on this one and I knew it as well as she did.
“Well next time you see ‘nothing’, don’t flinch.’
She was pissed. Oh yeah--really pissed. And me? I was distracted as hell. Who was that guy, and why couldn’t I stop thinking about him? I’d never felt like this before.
Everyone said my act with the lions was the best I’d ever performed, and I knew it was true. The crowd really responded, they said. But I just kept thinking about his eyes on me. I wanted to do well; I wanted to impress him.

“Where are you going Triton?” Manager asked after I’d changed into a pair of jeans and a turtleneck and began heading away from the tents.
“I thought I would take a walk, look around,” I told him. It was true. I needed to clear my head, though secretly, I hoped I would see him again, just accidentally stumble over him somewhere.
“Be back for dinner. We won’t save you anything if you’re late,” he told me.
“Sure.”

Yeah, I really really needed to clear my head. It had been two hours since I had last seen him in the crowd, but I was still thinking about him. “What’s wrong with me?” I whispered to myself just before spotting the most beautiful garden I had ever seen. That would be a nice quiet place to think, I figured. That’s what I figured anyway. Was I ever wrong. I shoved my hands into my pockets and walked deeper into the garden, but just as I my mind was wandering onto safer subjects, there he was, that boy with the endless eyes. He was just sitting there with a book under a gnarled willow tree, reading. He sensed my presence I suppose, because he took off his glasses and looked right at me. As our eyes met, I felt my cheeks get hot. Blushing? I was blushing? I’d never had any reason to blush before, or now, so why was I…? “You’re the lion tamer,” he stated matter-of-factly. Why did my throat feel so dry all of a sudden? I wanted to get to know him, didn’t I?
“Y-yes. Sorry to disturb you. This garden looked like a quiet place to think.”
“Do not concern yourself with it. I was not doing anything important.”
He marked the page he had been reading from and put the book down, standing up.
“My name is Chang Wufei,” he told me in the same matter-of-fact tone.
“Triton Bloom,” I returned as steadily as I could.
“Triton Bloom. You should stay. If you are trying to clear your mind you will not find a more peaceful place anywhere on this colony.”
I can’t help but watch his lips as he speaks, and I catch myself thinking about how I want to kiss them, how for the first time in my life, I’m standing here with someone who I actually want to kiss. I can’t stop thinking about it. What would it be like to kiss another guy? Did this mean what I thought it meant--that maybe the reason I didn’t understand what the big deal was about dating girls was because I liked boys? I decided that I didn’t care what it meant. I wanted to kiss him; it was the first thing I had ever wanted…and I had no idea what to say. ‘I must look like some sort of moron,’ I thought.
I was only on this colony for a few more days. That was the other problem with being in the circus--the only lasting relationships you could have were within the circus, and if they went bad, you were pretty much screwed; you had to continue dealing with those people on a daily basis whether you loved them, hated them, or didn’t give a damn about them either way.
“Your act was impressive. You’re very graceful,” he told me, his tone as even as ever, not even sounding like a compliment, though I knew that is what it was intended to be.
“Thank you…I practice quite a bit, though my sister claims that it’s just a matter of being the right shape and size.” And I caught myself wondering if he liked my shape and size. ‘Stop that!’ I mentally scolded myself.
“Your sister is the one with the knives?”
“Yes. Catharine.”
“She is also very good. But she came very close to hitting you with the last knife.”
“It was my fault. I moved,” I told him. “If I may ask, who dragged you to the circus? It was obvious that you didn’t want to be there.”
His eyes widened slightly. I had surprised him.
“I enjoyed myself though,” he told me quickly. “But you are correct. I was not there by choice. My family thought it would be a good thing to take my fiance to. I didn’t realize that you’d noticed me, or that I made it so obvious.”
My heart was in my throat at the word fiance; I thought I would die right there.
“You looked tense,” I answered absently.
But something was troubling him, I could tell as he sighed slightly, thinking on it himself. He shook his head slightly, “if it was up to me though, I wouldn’t marry at all,” he told me, looking as if he didn’t understand why he was telling me, really.
“Then why…”
“On this colony, marriage is arranged. I do not have the choice of who I would marry, or when. I was away at school until just last week, and five days from now, I shall be married to a woman I hardly know. Nevermind that I’m not even attracted to women.” He shakes his head again, seeming apologetic this time. “Why am I even telling you this?”
He sat back down and leaned against the tree.
“Because I’m only a circus clown who will be gone in a few days. Who am I going to tell?” I said, figuring that had to be the reason.
“It is a good theory, but not the real reason,” he said, and I fought the urge to ask him to explain himself as I sat down and leaned against the tree near him.
“I wish there was something I could do for you,” I told him. It was true. I did.
“You are. You are sitting here with me. It is nice to be with someone who understands, even if that understanding is just an illusion.” He smirked at himself.
“Well, I want to understand. I do. But, have you ever considered…leaving?”
“This is my home. How can I leave? I haven’t anywhere else to go,” he said.
“You’re right. Forgive me, it was a silly question. I wouldn’t be able to leave the circus either. What else could I do? I’m only good at one thing.”
“Taming lions.”
“Yes.”
I’m not sure how long we sat there under that tree, in silence, but eventually, I looked at the watch on my wrist--6:45 pm.
“I should go. If I don’t, they won’t feed me,” I joked. “And besides, I have to feed the lions, they won’t accept food from anyone else.”
“Of course. I’m sorry for keeping you,” he said. “Not at all,” I replied as I stood. “I enjoyed being here with you.”
“It was an honor to meet you, Triton,” he said, taking my hand and pressing gentle lips to it. My chest swelled again.
“Likewise,” I answered, summoning up all my courage and daring to lean in and kiss him on the cheek, which caused my entire face to flush. “Good luck with everything, Chang Wufei,” I told him. What else could I say?
“Wufei. You may call me Wufei, Triton.”
“Wufei. I wish you the best, and hope to be lucky enough to see you again before I leave.”
“I’d like that,” he answered. “Now go eat. You’re too thin as it is.”
Again I was blushing. I nodded and headed back to the circus tents and trailers. The fire was still burning, so I knew I wasn’t too late.
Catharine, as usual, knows the second I was within fifty feet of the fire.
“Triton. Where the hell have you been? I was worried,” she says. “Since when does a short walk take three hours? We have to put on another show at eight, you know.”
“I’m here, aren’t I? So quit it with the inquisition,” I told her as someone passed me a bowl and a tin mug.
“Who were you with?” Catharine asked. “That isn’t your cologne I smell.”
Nose like I bloodhound too, my sister. Damn her. “I was just speaking with someone who was at this afternoon’s performance.”
“A girl?” she asked hopefully.
“No. No girl,” I answered irritably. It was always annoying, the way she did that.

The evening performance went by without any trouble, but on the way back to the trailer I shared with Cat to get some sleep for the night, I saw Wufei leaning against one of the trees on the outskirts of our camp; his white clothing stood out against the darkness of the night.
“Wufei?” I asked as I approached him.
“…hello…Triton.” He fidgeted a bit uncomfortably.
“It’s late. What are you doing here?” I asked.
“How was the show?”
“It went well. The crowd enjoyed it,” I answered. ‘Man, I hate small talk. What is this about Wufei?’ I wondered.
“I was thinking of you, wanted to see you. I had to, really. I suppose I am being impulsive. It isn’t like me,” he told me now, as he looked down for a moment.
“Well, I’m glad to see you, but, I’m pretty tired,” I told him. It was true. Three shows in one day and I was pretty exhausted. I wanted to drag what was bothering him out of him, and quickly. He had been so quiet under the tree earlier. I knew there were things he wanted to say, but he had been almost entirely determined to deal with his problems without any help. Sure, I understood. I was the same way.
“Oh! Of course. I should have thought… You have been working all day. Can I walk you back to your…sleeping quarters?”
“My trailer? Sure. Catharine and I share one.”
So we began walking, I walked slowly, in spite of my long legs, so he would have plenty of time to talk. “Triton. I have to know. Are you…I mean…is there any chance that you are the slightest bit attracted to me?”
He sure was good at asking the big questions right off, wasn’t he? I wouldn’t have been able to be nearly as brave as all that, but I wasn’t about to lie to him either.
“I’m very attracted to you Wufei, but you’re engaged and I’m a clown. It was the wrong time, the wrong life for us, wasn’t it?” I said. It made me sad to say it, to admit that even if I loved him and he loved me or we loved each other, even a little, it was really pretty impossible for us to live together happily. The circumstances were all wrong.
“I have to get married in a few days,” he said steadily. “But in the meantime, I would like to make the best of the time I still have, if you’re willing.”
“This is it,” I said, stopping in front of my trailer. My chest hurt so much, my heart. I didn’t know what to say, or what would happen next, but I knew that I would never be able to say “no” to him. In all my life I would never be able to say “no” to him, no matter what he asked for. Just like him, I wanted the memory of a great love at least, if I couldn’t have a great love.
“I’ll see you tomorrow?” I asked.
“Don’t say goodnight yet,” he said, and there was a begging tone to his voice.
“Huh?”
He reached up and put his palm on my cheek, sending little electric currents through my body with his gentle fingertips. I felt his other hand reaching around to the base of my spine, pulling me into him. I hadn’t said no, even if I hadn’t said yes, exactly, but he understood.
“Can I have a goodnight kiss first?” he asked softly.
Everyone was asleep now. It was a totally private moment, just as I thought it ought to be—my first real kiss--so I gathered up my courage for the second time today and leaned down to claim his lips. After that, it was easy, a physical response that sent my mind and body spiraling to places I didn’t even know existed as I prodded his lips with my tongue only to find that he accepted it willingly, and it was wet and warm and it felt, somehow, like home… and before I knew it I was groaning into his mouth, embracing him tightly, as if I never wanted to let him go; I didn’t. The cliche was really true: I was seeing fireworks. And when we, after some time, pulled apart, I was seeing Catharine standing in the doorway.
“No girl huh?” she asked. “Care to introduce me little brother?”
“Um…” This was really awkward…yeah…um. That was the best I could come up with, but I dare you to try to think of something better on the spot like that. My head was still spinning from being in contact with Wufei’s strong lips. I cleared my throat a bit and noticed that there wasn’t the least bit distress in her expression. She didn’t really seem to care much that she’d just caught her baby brother frenching another guy on their doorstep, so that made things a little easier. “Sis, this is Wufei. Wufei, my sister, Catharine.”
“An honor to meet you,” Wufei said. “Triton, I’ll see you tomorrow?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
“Don’t come to the show. You’ll only distract him again,” Cat said.
And Wufei smiled slightly, he gave me this look that said, he had suspected that it might have been his fault after all, just a little. “Alright, afterwards. The same place as earlier?” he said to me. “Yes. I’ll meet you there,” I told him.
“Goodnight.”
“Goodnight Wufei.”
“Nice to meet you!” Catharine called.
Never before in my life and never since have I loved and hated her so much.
“I should have known,” she commented once he was out of earshot.
I gave her my best ‘don’t start with me’ look. What else could I do? I didn’t really have to, I mean, she could always tell what’s on my mind, even when I’m doing my typical blank face that gives away nothing to someone who doesn’t know me, but she deserved special treatment for this.
But that was basically that. We went inside, I climbed into my bunk, and was woken up the next morning by a pillow smacking me in the face at dawn. I had slept like a log after that kiss, and dreamed about Wufei all night, would have liked to dream about him longer.
A pillow to the face--it was how I’d been woken up my whole life. Still, she enjoyed it way too much. It was the only way to wake me from a dead sleep, smack me in the face with a pillow, all the same, she could, occasionally, check to see if I was awake first.
I groaned and said, “you’re a sadist, sis.”
“Rise and shine!” she returned in her most chipper tone, which was pretty damn chipper mind you, especially for someone who didn’t even want to think about morning yet, like myself. Of course, the second I realized I would get to see Wufei again today, I was overjoyed to be woken up.
I groaned “sadist” again and climbed down. “Did you at least save me some hot water this time?”
“go find out. I’ll see you at breakfast.”
Luckily, she had. I hate cold showers.
So, I put on my costume, brushed my hair, eventually giving up on the bangs that fall into my eyes--there’s just not much point in bothering with them really, they have a mind of their own--and headed out.
When I got to breakfast, Catharine and Manager were whispering together. He gave me a stupid grin that got my paranoia working in overdrive, but I half didn’t care. I was fully awake now and busily anticipating this afternoon when I would get to see Wufei again. Granted, I was still thinking about that kiss, and about how beautiful he was--strong, yet soft, lips, silken hair, dark ebony eyes…
I yanked myself out of my reverie. Best not to think about that now, with everyone here, or I’d have a lot of explaining to do. It doesn’t matter how baggy clown pants are--there are some things that they just won’t hide.
As usual, the show went on without a hitch (big surprise)--a full house and all; I changed into my nicest blue jeans (which Cat said showed off my slim figure--though I never could decide if that was a good thing) and a green turtleneck that matched my eyes. I took a comb through my hair (as if it had moved from the position it had ended up in this morning) and checked myself in the bathroom mirror before heading out. (Alright, so I was a little nervous.)
“Triton!” Manager called.
‘No! Don’t make me stay! Please!’ I thought as I turned to acknowledge him as steadily as I could manage.
“You’re on at 8:45 sharp tonight. Don’t be late.” I nodded and then continued toward the garden. Wufei wasn’t reading today, he was just sitting there waiting, his glasses and book an arm’s length to the side of him.
“You made it!” he said wit ha smile when he saw me.
“I wouldn’t have missed it for anything,” I told him as I walked over. It seemed as if he was debating as to whether or not to stand, so I made up his mind for him by straddling his lap. His eyes widened; I think I surprised us both, but I was there so, I placed a small kiss on the bridge of his nose.
“Ever since yesterday, all I can think about is you,” I whispered.
“Tomorrow is your last day here?” he asked.
Why did he have to remind me? “Yeah. We leave at dawn the day after.”
“And then I get married.”
“Yeah.”
“Triton, it seems so soon to say this, but I know it’s true, and I want you to know it too. I love you. I always will.”
“I love you too, Wufei. For as long as I live I’ll love you,” I told him. Hearing him say those words to me…that moment was the happiest I’d ever been. And so, we kissed. We kissed like two people who are in love kiss, and we kept kissing for a long time, until a gasp from behind us told us we were not alone. “M-Meiran!” Wufei squeaked out when he saw her.
‘Shit!’ I thought, seeing the panicked expression he wore. ‘This must be his fiance.’
I got off of him as quickly as I could, but that may have actually made things worse, which I realized when I saw her horrified eyes widen even further at seeing the bulge in his white cotton pants. My tight jeans did not help to hide my arousal either, actually, now that I thought of it.
“You’re a disgrace Chang Wufei, a complete disgrace!” she yelled at him, seeming pretty hurt before running off.
Wufei swallowed hard. “Shit,” he said, shoving his hair behind his ear. “I’m in a lot of trouble Triton.”
“Should I…Should I leave?” I asked, thinking all the while, ‘please don’t make me go. I don’t care what it is, I want to be with you, no matter what it is. I don’t want to leave you, Wufei.’
“If you want to go, I won’t stop you, but…if you weren’t lying, if you really do love me Triton, then please stay with me. Hold my hand and help me be strong. If I’m going to be defiant, I might as well be defiant, I suppose,” he said, though in speaking of defiance he sounded unsure. I had a feeling it was not something he ever considered much. I had never thought much about it myself, but here we were. I gave him a hug and sat down beside him. “I couldn’t lie to you if I tried,” I told him as I squeezed his hand. Neither of us had sex on the brain any longer, for obvious reasons, but I was determined, no matter what, I would be strong for him. I would worry about tomorrow tomorrow. Today, right now, I had Wufei, and I was determined, if he would have me, I would be defiant too. I would do anything to be with him. I would say goodbye to Catharine and I would stay, if he wanted me to. Anything. Anything. “I don’t want to leave you,” I told him. “Ever.”
Before I knew it, we were staring up into the eyes of two very angry sets of parents and one still horror-stricken fiancé. Wufei gripped my hand a bit tighter, as if searching for the strength that I knew he had within him all along anyway. I gave his hand an affectionate squeeze to remind him that I wasn’t going anywhere as long as he wanted me, and I think he found what he was looking for.
“Not only has your son turned out backwards, Chang, but he decided to be backward with a circus clown,” one of the men said. I’ll admit, I resented that a little, just a little.
“We can’t expect much from the clown,” the other said. “You may leave, boy,” Wufei’s father said. “Wufei wants me here, so I think I’ll stay,” I asserted. I guess I was pretty scared, but I wasn’t backing down.
“The foreign boy thinks he’ll stay. Well, I think it is only proper that clowns be funny,” he said. “Is he telling the truth son? You want this boy here?” his mother asked, looking a little heartbroken, even though her steady expression never faltered. I could see it in her eyes, and hear it a bit in her tone of voice.
“Yes mother,” Wufei said. “I want him here with me, because….because I…I love him.” There he’d said it. It had been hard for him, I knew it then and I still know it. I also knew that it really pissed the adults off.
“My daughter will not wed such a man as this,” Meiran’s father said solidly. “Meiran, come. You shall have a true husband…not this…this…onna!” Wufei’s father stared at him coldly as the other family walked away, Meiran looking back only once, as if to be certain that it was all true.
“So this is what you skipped training for?” His father said, shaking his head in disgust. “You are not my son. Come Lin.”
But Wufei’s mother, with her hand to her heart, also turned to look back before leaving. ‘The Obedient Wife’ Wufei would later call her, not angry, just, perhaps, a little disappointed.
We were alone again, though neither of us were much up for kissing. ‘This is all my fault,’ I kept thinking. Of course I blamed myself. I knew that Wufei was to be married when I kissed him the first time, and every time after that. I knew, and I blamed myself for the knowing.
“Wufei….”
“Triton. My father, he’s…he’s disowned me. I….I…” Wufei tried to speak, but he was obviously shaken, as if he couldn’t believe that this was actually happening.
“Shhh.” I told him, and wrapped my arms around his back, doing my best to try to calm him, to soothe him, to do whatever I could for him, really, the man I loved. ‘This is my fault.’ I thought that over and over again. “Tell me what I can do for you,” I said finally.
“I can’t stay here anymore. Is there any chance that you can take me with you? At least as far as the next colony? Triton I’ve lost…I’ve got no family, nothing.”
“I’m still here. I’ll never leave you Wufei, I promise. I’ll talk to Manager. If he says no, then…well then we’ll just have to think of something.”
“Triton.”
“Wufei I’m so sorry for all of this. I’m going to do everything I can for you. If I can’t get you your family back, then maybe I can get you a new one.”

“Manager, you don’t understand. He’s lost everything because of me. I’ve got to help him. Can’t you think of ANYTHING?” I’d been talking nonstop for five minutes, I’m sure of it. I don’t even remember most of what I said, but I know I hadn’t let him get a word in edgewise. I was just begging. Not like me at all, but I was desperate. I had to do something. I was in love, and I guess love makes you act a little funny sometimes. I just wanted him with me, no matter what…wanted to be with him. “…I’m sure he has some sort of talent you can use for an act. I mean, he’s really strong, and I think he’s a martial artist, so he’s got to have at least some amount of grace, and…” Yes, I was still going. Oh, sure, I was on a role. You bet. In retrospect the term ‘fool for love’ comes to mind in big bold red print, and it might as well have been stamped across my forehead.
“Enough Triton,” Manager said, cutting me off in mid-rant. “You had me on ‘Manager, I need a favor.’” He smiled at me. “I may be an old man, but I know what it’s like to be in love.”
“You’re serious! He can come?” I could hardly believe I was hearing those words coming out of his mouth. “He’ll work his way, just like everyone else. But yes, he can come. Let him rest for now though and get out there so that your sister can throw knives at you. And for God’s sake Triton, don’t move this time.” I nodded. How could I possibly move now? I couldn’t even form syllables any longer.

“Are you serious?” Wufei asked later. “Triton, is he serious? I can…”
“You can stay for as long as you work,” I told him, and I could tell he was happy as he wrapped his arms around me and buried his head in my shoulder. I returned the embrace, patting the back of his head gently, unable to keep a small smile from forming on my lips. We would get to be together after all.
“See. I told you. Everything is going to be okay,” I said.
“I love you so much!” he said, his voice muffled by my shirt before giving me one last squeeze and letting go.
“I love you too,” I returned.
“You’ve got something special in Triton, Wufei. So be sure to treat him like it,” Manager warned him.
I found myself blushing again. But Wufei just kissed my heat streaked cheeks, right there in front of everyone, and said, “I intend to.”

Banshee: Ah, the sap. Wow. ~The End~