A Dance of Hearts Chapter Five
Trowa, Desiree and Quatre sat silently around the breakfast table. Every now and then Quatre would notice an uncomfortable look would pass between Trowa and Desiree. He had to keep himself from weeping. His best friend was his wife's lost love, and he, Quatre Raberera Winner was the murderer of Desiree's parents. He saw another uncomfortable look pass between the two, then saw Desiree push her plate away.
"I'm done. Excuse me." she said standing, and left the room in a noticeable hurry.
"So am I." Trowa looked at Quatre. "I'm going to tell her now."
Trowa stood, exchanged a look of dread with Quatre and left to find Desiree. Quatre put his hands together and bowed his head in silent prayer. He loved her. He knew it now, but all he wanted-- could even hope for now was her forgiveness. Surely, he could never have achieve her love now in return.
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"I've told her." Trowa announced to Quatre in his study.
Quatre looked up with worried eyes. "What did she say?
Trowa shifted and past a moment in thought. " She didn't say anything, she just slapped me, then collapsed in tears." He didn't think he should tell him the rest. Tell him how he worded it. That it was in his arms she collapsed in wails and spasms of grief. That he held her for a long time to comfort her. Quatre was upset as it was. Though it was innocent, it could give the wrong impression.
"She slapped you?" Quatre asked feeling a weight added to the one he had felt in his stomach already. 'She hates me. She'll never forgive me.' Trowa stood motionless, unknowing as to what to do. Both jumped when the doors flew open and Desiree came in, eyes red from crying and filled with fire. She looked at Trowa through narrowed eyes as she approached the desk Quatre sat at. They locked eyes as Quatre stood.
"I'm sorry." he said simply. He didn't know what else he could say.
"Why didn't you tell me before now?" Desiree demanded.
"I just found out how they died last night. I didn't know until then. I would have told you." Quatre said bowing his head, closing his eyes. Tears were threatening him again.
"I see." She turned to leave. Quatre came around the desk and caught her arm.
"Desiree, please I... I can never forgive myself for taking so many lives, especially your parents. Please..." He couldn't fight the tears anymore.
"What?" Desiree asked in bewilderment.
"I can never excuse myself for destroying that Colony, Desiree..." Quatre fell to his knees now feeling weak, in sobs and spasms.
Desiree looked up at Trowa her own eyes growing noticeably misty. "But you told me..." A tear escaped her eye and trickled down her cheek. " You made me believe... why?" she asked barely above a whisper.
"I'm sorry." Trowa said his face devoid of emotion. Inside he was aching. He never knew anything could be as painful as this thing called love. Love for a friend... love for a woman.
Desiree looked down at the shivering form bowed below her in tears-- too upset to know what was going on. He looked up at her with heart broken eyes. " I don't even have the right to ask it... but can you ever find it in your heart to forgive me?"
Her eyes became an ocean depth of torture at the memories she now recalled. Memories of her parents, of her time with Triton as she knew him, then Quatre this... this innocent killer.
Quatre bowed his head from her gaze once more. "I'm so sorry." His frame became rocked with even far more violent spasms of sorrow. The kind that could make one sick.
She realized he truly was sorry. She always imagined the person responsible for her parents demise to be cold blooded. Unashamed for the pain he caused. Her eyes softened as she slowly-- but almost took it away-- reached a hand out to lay on his golden crown. She was sobbing her own tears as she ran her fingers through his hair and spoke. "Yes, I forgive you."
A sound that could have been a wail or a laugh came from Quatre's throat as he flew forward capturing her petite frame around the waist in his arms. He cried hard into her shirt's material as he squeezed her tighter, not wanting to let go. He felt her arm wrap around his shoulders and the other one begin to stroke his hair. She looked up at Trowa whose expression was one of heart broken pain and sympathy. She pulled the man in her arms still closer as she felt his hot breath against her body, even through the clothing she wore.
"I need to be alone." she said, her voice absent of feeling.
She felt Quatre pull away. He stood up and looked at her with red rimmed, turquoise eyes. "I understand." She walked away with an air of fragility. He sat down at his desk and swung his chair around so no one could see any more tears he would shed.
~~~~*~~~~
Triton stopped when he saw her. She was seated. As he drew closer he saw she was more or less laid down on the bench in the gardens, crying her heart out. He stepped forward, and stepped on a twig announcing his arrival. She looked up at him with hurt violety- blue eyes. He took a breath and crossed the rest of the way to stand in front of her. For several seconds they only stared at each other.
"Why?" she burst out. "Why did you tell me you were the one who destroyed the Colony? Why did you want me to believe you killed my parents?" He stared in her eyes for several more seconds not knowing how to answer her. She stood up and stepped closer to him.
"Tell me." she whispered. When he still remained speechless she shot forward grabbing both sides of his jacket and gave him a slight shake. "TELL ME!"
"I didn't know what else to do. I didn't want you to hate him. He's your husband. He... cares for you." Triton said his face void of emotion, his voice thick with it.
"You didn't think I'd forgive him?" Desiree asked as a tear streamed down her cheek.
"I wasn't sure. I know how much you loved them. How much they meant to you. I remembered how much hate was in your voice when you spoke of their deaths and when you spoke of wanting to find out who had done it. I know until we met... until things with Quatre started that they were all you ever thought you would care about and needed." Triton raised a hand and wiped a tear away. "I thought it would be easier that way."
"Easier? To think that the man I fell in love with and promised to marry this time- this year was my parents murderer, and had been lying to me for over 2 years! What would be easier?"
"For you to falling love with him if you thought it was me. Do you? Do you truly forgive him Desiree?" Triton asked his heart pleading to whatever God there was that she did.
"Yes, you know I never lie Triton. Or is it Trowa? WHO ARE YOU?" she yelled. "Which one is your name? Who did I fall in love with?"
"I told you my real name. You fell in love with me. The real me. I never held back on you. Other than Quatre you were the only one to know the real me." Triton said fighting emotion from showing and being heard.
She nodded, her tears subsided by anger. "Then tell me why my parents died. Why he did it." Her eyes grew cool.
"Because he was sick with grief. The Colony he came from-- this Colony, denounced his father's leadership and led him to his death. Quatre saw it happen. He came back in a Mobile Suit with a system labeled 'Zero'. It eliminates all obstacles. It tells you who your enemies are... and makes a pilot not even fear his own death, so victory over the enemy will be assured. It alters one's thoughts." Triton tried to explain, memories of his own Zero experience surfacing. Involuntarily he shuddered.
"So what he did was go insane for a time." she said simply. "I didn't know about his father. He hardly ever talks about him."
"I understand his reasoning now. The Colonies became his enemy. My parents were simply in the wrong place at the..." she choked on a lump that had suddenly formed in her throat. "I probably would have blown up a Colony too," she said harshly. "But why did you have to say you did it? Why not Heero or Wufei-- even Duo?" Her eyes began to shine with new tears. "Why did you have to say it was you? How can that make things easier for me and Quatre? You're his best friend! And I... HOW?" she shrieked through an effort to control angry, hurt tears and emotions.
Weakened by the effort, extremely violent sobs shook through her body as she fell forward against his chest. Slowly, he embraced her, feeling his own bottled up grief begin to climax. "Because I also thought that if you hated me, it'd be easier to walk away from you now."
A gasp came from the woman he held in his arms. He had wanted to hold her for so long, hold her close, but knew he could not, that it hurt. He wanted to hold her the way he used to, tight as a lover would his dearest. She was clinging to him so much, and he felt so weak. He pulled her tighter, closer, practically unwittingly as he lost the battle of not giving into holding her as he desired. He shut his eyes tight as she responded in kind. After several moments a wail came from her as pushed him away.
"We can't do this." she said with pain stricken eyes.
He grabbed her hand. "I can't control what my heart tells me to do. Tell me you want me to walk away now or else I fear I never will."
Inside his heart screamed. His mind, his logic, his loyalty to Quatre and respect for this woman whom he held dear's beliefs racing and warring with his emotions and mind. His mind wanted her to say it, his heart begged her not to.
Her heart was being stabbed over and over. 'Why did I ever have to love him? I've already betrayed
Quatre by just giving Triton just one moment... Why did it have to be him?' In a violent explosion of tears and emotion she shook her head to try and clear it, gazed at Triton through blurry eyes filled with longing and heartbreak, then turned around and ran as far away from him as she could.
~~~~*~~~~
As Quatre looked down at the two in the gardens from his library window, he felt heartbroken. He watched as she abruptly pulled away from Triton's embrace and say something. He saw her hand in his when he grabbed it, lost in the moment, and he said something in return. She shook her head, gave him one last look and in a new fit of tears flee from Trowa out of view.
'She still loves him. He still loves her. Now I know why it was hard for me to even talk him into coming to Wufei's wedding. He wanted to stay away... I wonder if it was best when I hadn't known.'
"Quatre?" he heard Relena ask in back of him. He had not even heard her come in. He turned to look at her. She came up to the window and looked out. A flash of what looked like pain crossed her features as she immediately looked away. Then he realized what she had been trying to tell him on his wedding day.
"How long have you known?" he asked softly.
"A month before she came to you. I tried to intervene with the marriage proceedings as soon as I found out. I tried to tell you." Relena looked at him briefly then back outside. "I tried."
"I know." Quatre choked on his own voice. "Why did they choose her if they knew she was in love with Trowa? Why?" Quatre asked looking out the window seeing Trowa sit down on the bench, lean forward and he saw a sight that frightened and hurt him more, a shiver run through the turned away body. He was crying-- crying alone.
"The Council has no respect or caring for people's hearts and emotions... They only see what is for the better good of the people. They knew, despite her own feelings, once she took her vows unto you she would never break them. Never." Relena said as she watched Trowa as well.
"This marriage- thanks to them- has caused nothing but pain and suffering. I can't stand to see either of them hurt so..." Quatre said with harshness and grief.
Relena turned to him. "Trowa didn't want to hurt you with this. He wanted to stay out of the picture long enough for the fires that burned between them to die. However, you are like a brother to him. The last thing he ever wanted was to cause you grief." She laid a hand on Quatre's shoulder.
"He knew you would fall in love with her, and given time she would return your love. He wanted to stay away long enough for at least that much to happen. So when he did come his presence wouldn't interfere." She looked down with a sigh. "He also knew how much his staying away hurt you. The last time, he said, when you asked him to come to Wufei's wedding, your tone of voice made him want to cry. He couldn't stand to hurt you anymore. He could hear you crying the last time over the phone.
"So he thought maybe, despite his own feelings... he hoped her heart would have over the past year turned to you. Now with all the newest information that came out about her parents, the hiatus of your marriage itself, and now you finally knowing the truth about Desiree and Trowa, his coming made it all start turning upside down. He was going to marry her Quatre." She saw Quatre's face become even more dejected.
"I didn't know that." he said softly. He shut his eyes when he saw Trowa below collapse to his knees in tears. Relena's face became more solemn. She nodded.
"I've taken everything she ever loved away from her." he said as he felt a tear slide down his cheek.
"How can she have forgiven me?"
"No. You didn't take everything she loved away." Relena said putting both hands on his shoulders.
"You gave her back Duo. You loved her, and was there for her when she cried-- when she needed someone the most. It is true that she is still in love with Trowa... but she does love you. That is why she could forgive you."
Quatre staggered for a moment, then looked up at her with such emotion it almost scared her. She went back to the window and watched Trowa. "Two men love the same woman. She loves one, but wants to love the other. Each one knows silently in his or her heart one man has to win and the other will lose. Both men knowing who the victor will be and the defeated. In a sense you have thus engaged in an intricate dance of hearts. The beat all three of you dance to keeps changing. One time it is slow, seductive, enticing-- others, wild and unrelentless, forcing you to bump into each other on the floor. One partner, knowing he is spent tries to dance further away and out of sight, yet seeing the second is in need, is forced to cut in, only to be pushed away by both partners a second later."
Through eyes that spoke determination, and a voice that spoke truth she continued," He is your best friend Quatre. He isn't trying to take her back because he knows, despite how it hurts- she's yours. He wouldn't have told her..." Relena stopped abruptly.
"What did he tell her?" Quatre asked alarmed.
"He told her he was the one who destroyed the Colony." Relena looked away. Trowa had come to her and told her what he had said to Desiree.
"What? Why?" Quatre asked unbelievably.
"One could say it was one last desperate act of a man in love with his best friend's wife... he wanted to... kill her love for him." Relena said bitterly. "It was all he knew ho could do. He can see that you love her, and he knows he has to come out of this alone."
Quatre looked up at the ceiling with an exasperated intake of air, then back out the window, and shut his eyes tight. All this pain. All this weaving in and out of situations- problems. "Even after he told her that.. she still loves him..." he said quietly.
"Yes, love forgives all things." Relena said looking down then back up at him. "Which is why she also has forgiven you."
"I can't bear to see her hurt anymore!" Quatre blurted out. Relena's brow creased. What was he saying?
"I'm going to let her go. It's the only way. It's the only thing I know to do. Your right this is a dance of hearts. Only I have to got to bring it to an end." Quatre looked at her with heartbroken yet determined eyes, and turned to leave.
"Quatre!" Relena called. "Why? Don't you...?"
"I have to. I love her too much, and I don't want her to grow to hate me-- if she hasn't already. I have to let her go." he said and left the room.
"He doesn't understand, does he?" Relena said to herself. "She took a vow to him. Even in light of this... it's almost impossible to believe that she'll break it. Don't you understand? She won't leave you Quatre- even for love."
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