A Dance of Hearts Chapter Four
Holding two medication bottles up to the light, Desiree's brow furrowed. "Now should I take these so I don't know what's going on?", she said indicating one, then the other," Or these so I won't care?"
Hilde had given her both of them, saying she thought she would need them. At the time she didn't think she would, but she knew it was going to hurt the first time, and she was beginning to admit that she really was a nervous wreck too. She wanted something to calm her down. The knowledge that it would hurt made her barely controllable. She knew Quatre would be as gentle as anyone could ever be... but still...
"I don't know if can do this." Quatre said from behind her. He had said nothing for almost an hour. Just occasionally giving her a nervous and worried look. He seemed like he needed one of these things too.
"We don't have to you know. I could just tell them we did." Quatre said looking at her from the other side of the bed. "I mean, they don't check for "the blood" anymore, so I could just say..."
"Quatre," Desiree cut in, "they'll still know. After two people make love they always act different towards one another. For better, or worse."
She had noticed this, and came to know the signals herself between couples. He closed his eyes, and nervously licked his lips to moisten them. She put the pills down, and scooted herself to him, laying her hands on his shoulders. Slowly she began to massage them. He was so tense.
"I don't want to hurt you." he whispered as he stared at the carpeted floor.
She stopped massaging his shoulders and neck, and snaked her arms around his waist, resting her head on his back. She felt his body somehow tense up even more at the contact. 'If anyone should be worried about hurting someone, it should be me over you.' She could tell him now. No one would dare interrupt them right now. But she couldn't... something inside her made her want to keep him from pulling away. The same something wanted him to hold her in return. Touch her, kiss her... make love to her. She didn't know what it was. Was her prayer already being answered?
"I suppose getting drunk is out of the question." he said with a hint of amusement, shifting to turn to look at her.
"If we were going to get drunk... we'd be drunk by now.' she said at the same moment wondering if it would be a good idea after all. They had both drank up to their respective physical limits at the reception, knowing yet another limo driver would come to take them to the hotel they were staying in.
He leaned back into her arms, resting his head on her shoulder with a sigh. "Well, at least I helped you get out of your dress without freaking out." he said more to himself. He could see why she needed help once she tried to get out of it herself. The buttons were held in their holes so tight that even he had trouble getting them undone. But then, his trembling hands probably didn't help matters.
"Quatre, you know what our problem is?" she asked in a voice one used when telling a dark secret.
"No...please tell me." Quatre said as he turned his head to look at her.
"We're thinking about this too much." Desiree answered with a smile. Quatre smiled and pulled himself up.
"Still I know it will hurt you. I don't know if I could, with that knowledge." he said sadly.
"That proves my point right there." she said turning him back around to face her. Tentatively, she put a hand on his cheek, leaned in and proceeded to kiss him deeply. His lips were soft, and gentle, tasting of cool mints. She enjoyed his mouth against hers. The kiss was long, and became more heated when he responded to it, and encircling his arms around her, pulled her closely against him.
She didn't need to tell him. There was no need. Time would heal the wound until only Quatre was the one in her heart. But what about now? With that thought she broke the stream of kisses the first had become. 'I do have to tell him. I can't do this without him knowing.' She looked into his eyes. 'He cares too much for me as it is. He must know before we go any further.'
"Quatre, I have to tell you something." she said noticing how hungry for her his eyes had become. She pulled out of his arms, and got off of the bed, and walked to the center of the room. His eyes followed her every move.
"What is it?" he asked seeing a worried look on her face. He got up and stood in front of her. He laid his hands on her shoulders, "Whatever it is... tell me."
Desiree's eyes began to shimmer with tears. He deserved better. This was going to hurt him. A knife somewhere inside of her heart began stabbing her as she looked into his eyes.
"Quatre, before we were betrothed I was involved with someone."
Quatre's lips turned up slightly on their ends. He had already guessed that much. "Okay,...go on."
"I, we...", she felt a tear slide down her cheek as se spoke, "fell in love with each other. We..." He stopped her speaking with two fingers to her lips.
"I understand, Desiree. I know you're not in love with me. You don't need to explain any further." Quatre said. All this he had figured out on his own. Only pain of the heart, he realized, could hurt someone in the way she was hurt. He placed a soft kiss on her forehead.
"Another reason why I didn't think you'd want to. I don't want to do anything that you don't. I..." It was her turn to stop him from speaking.
"I want to." she said with conviction.
"Are you sure?" he asked just to be on the safe side.
She put a hand on each of his hips and stepped forward, closing any gap for personal space between them, pressing their bodies firmly together.
"Just kiss me." she said and pulled his head down so his lips would meet hers.
~~~~*~~~~
Quatre awoke still at twilight to the sound of muffled sobs. Trying to make himself figure out where they were coming from, he realized they were coming from the shivering body he held in his arms. Despite how groggy he was, his concern made his numb mind awaken. Slowly he shifted to sit up and look over the shoulder of his wife. Even in the near absent light he could still see her red eyes and tears.
She looked up at him, then buried her face in her pillows so he couldn't see it. Inside he felt his heart begin to break. Her face came out of the pillow enough that he could hear her muffled words. "Didn't want to wake you..."
He slid the arm that was still around her waist up to her shoulder. He could only think of one reason why she would be crying. "I hurt you, didn't I? I didn't want to. I... it was too soon for us to do this."
His heart broke even more at the thought of it. She was crying for her lost love. The only one she probably ever thought that the intimacy they had shared just a few hours before would be with. The sight of him, his touch, probably revolted her. Quickly, he withdrew his arms and hands, and any part of his body that made even the slightest contact with her skin away. Scooting away to the other side of the bed, drawing his knees to his chest, and putting his hand over his face, he said," We won't do this anymore. Not until we're both ready."
He lowered his hands from his face and hugged his legs to his chest as he looked over at her. She was looking at him through teary eyes.
"I promise I'll never..." he stopped. The pain in her eyes and his heart was overwhelming. "Maybe we can still be friends. I..." He didn't know what to tell her. He didn't know what to do. "I never meant to hurt you in any way. I didn't mean to hurt you..." He put his hands back over his face as he looked away feeling tears of his own coming on.
She looked on-- crying harder. 'I've hurt him. He didn't hurt me. How can he even think...? Our night together could be described as nothing but. Both times we had been... together in the night. I didn't know it could be like that. I never knew any man could be so gentle... except the other man who is forcing us into this... this tango. Only he could compare. Yet, I wish I had never met him. I wish I could love this man before me wholeheartedly. If only I didn't fall asleep tonight. Then these tears wouldn't have come. In my dreams he is always there. He won't let me go. And I have hurt this innocent man, who is now my husband because he didn't know how deeply... he won't let me go Quatre. He just won't let me go.' She let out a soft moan, and her own tears made her spasm. It kept her from speaking.
Quatre fought off his own tears enough to swing his legs out of the bed and say," I'll go. I won't trouble you anymore with my being here any longer. If you need anything, I'll be in one of the other rooms."
The whole floor had been reserved for them, so he knew he could have any room he wanted. He pulled a robe over himself and got up. He took a step forward, but was halted by a firm pull on his arm, and Desiree screaming, "NO!!!"
He peered down at her. The look she was giving him made his soul ache. She placed a soft, wet kiss on his hand as she mumbled, "Don't leave me."
How could he deny her? He fell back into the bed as she pulled on his arm. She moved over to the other side of the bed to give him room to situate himself again. As soon as she saw he was comfortable and turning to look at her, she moved over to his side, and slid back down to lay on her side facing him. She put her head on his chest and wrapped her arms around his waist. Hesitantly, Quatre followed the motion, by holding her tight. Her grip around him occasionally would squeeze tighter as Quatre listened to her sobs, and felt her tears drop unto the exposed areas of his chest.
Finally she spoke through them. "You didn't hurt me. But your right..." She was forced to stop as she choked on her own tears, then continued, "I can't love you like this right now. I want to... but I can't. Not this intimately. I can't."
"I understand." he said softly.
"I..." She stopped as she buried her face in his chest for a moment. "I... don't want to be alone tonight." He felt a hard shiver course through her. "Don't leave me tonight. Please... don't leave me."
Her voice was needy and sorrowful. But what could he do? He felt a tear stream down his own cheek. " I won't leave you. But Desiree, how can I ease your pain?"
She squeezed him tight again. "Hold me."
Quatre inaudibly whispered okay, and drew her body as close to his as he could. It was all he knew to do.
THREE MONTHS LATER...
"Trowa won't you come? Please?" Quatre begged of his friend over the phone.
Desiree looked up at her husband from her book. She shook her head in a gesture of bewilderment and frustration at her husband's situation. What kind of best friend do you call yourself when you won't even come to your best friend's sister's wedding? Let alone his own? She watched with pain as she saw Quatre's face begin to drown in disappointment.
"But why?" he asked, hiding only barely how he felt. "I see. Well your still welcome to come if you think you can make it." Quatre said hanging his head.
Desiree glanced at Rashid, who stood with his arms crossed over his chest, his face expressionless. He always seemed so... cool to her.
"Okay, bye." Quatre hung up the phone and stood with his hand clenched into fists. He looked up at Desiree with hurt eyes. "He isn't coming."
"Why?" she couldn't help but ask.
"He says he has prearranged engagements that he has to attend." Quatre answered a hint of bitterness in his voice.
"I'm sorry, I know how much it meant to you that he'd come." Desiree said putting down her book, getting up, and crossing the room to stand by her husband's side.
~~~~*~~~~
SEVEN MONTHS LATER...
'How did I let Quatre talk me into this?' Trowa wandered through the halls of Quatre's estate as he followed a servant to Quatre's study. 'It had to be the pleading in his voice. I shouldn't have come. I know I shouldn't have come. But I missed him so. I know he won't understand why I stayed away... if he did there's a possibility he'd hate me. I wouldn't blame him, because even I suspect my own motives for being here right now.'
Finally, they stopped at the doors to the study and Trowa was let in. Before he could look around to get his bearings he was greeted with an enthusiastic, "TROWA!", and seconds later grabbed up into a strong hug.
"I'm so glad you're here!" Quatre exclaimed letting go. Trowa could swear the blond was on the verge of jumping up and down. He had to keep himself from letting the ends of his mouth turn up at the corners. "Come in and sit down."
Quatre walked ahead and sat back down at his desk. Trowa followed taking in eyefuls of architecture, and sat down across from him.
"You've had it redecorated...?" Trowa asked.
"Just repainted. I didn't care for the yellow walls much. So I chose a sort of nearly white blue." Quatre answered looking around the study.
"It's a nice change."
"Have they showed you your quarters yet?" Quatre asked.
Trowa looked back at his friend and had to keep from smiling. He was always so eager to please any of his guests, servants, or family who were staying with him.
"Yes, they're very..." How could he put this without making it sound too flowery? "... pleasant."
"I'm glad. You will stay a couple of days after Wufei's wedding, won't you?" Quatre asked hopeful.
"Maybe, but I planned to leave the next evening."
Quatre's face fell. "Well, you're here for three days. So I guess we'll have to make the most of it. Desiree had to go out for the night. She's helping Sally. Then Heero and Relena and Wufei will both be coming here this evening to stay. Then the wedding is tomorrow, and finally we'll have a whole day to catch up!" Quatre said in practically one long sentence.
"When will your wife return?" Trowa asked curiously.
"Tomorrow night." Quatre's brow creased when he noticed Trowa seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. "Are you okay?"
"Yes...just tired I think." Trowa glanced over at the picture on Quatre's desk. His breath escaped him briefly when it fell on Desiree's picture. He shut his eyes tight as emotions flooded all his senses.
"Are you sure? You looked flushed." Quatre said as he leaned forward and laid a cool hand on Trowa's forehead.
Trowa looked at him with eyes filled with pain.
"I'll be okay Quatre." He lied. He wasn't okay, he thought he could control it, but it hurt so much.
"What is it?" Quatre asked seeing through it.
Trowa cleared his throat and his expression of emotion. "Your wife?" He nodded at the picture.
Quatre looked at the picture and then picked up the frame to look at it closer. A dreamy eyed look came to him. "Yes. Photos hardly ever do her justice. She's so beautiful." Quatre ran a finger over the picture's glass, then looked up at Trowa. "She's Duo's sister you know."
"She is?" Trowa asked surprised.
"Yeah. They just found out when we were first engaged. You should have seen the look on Duo's face when he found out." Quatre said starting to giggle.
"I can imagine." Trowa said allowing a slight smile to come to his face.
Quatre looked back at the photo. "She's only been gone one day and I already miss her." Quatre said after a couple long moments.
Trowa had to keep himself from letting out the same wail his heart did. 'He loves her. He loves her with every ounce of his being. Oh God! I shouldn't have come yet. I shouldn't have come for a long time from now. But I can't go back. It might hurt him more. Surely, he knows. If he gets hurt it's my fault. I can't let that happen. what will he do when he finds out that I am the other man in his wife's heart? How can I keep him from getting hurt? She's better off with him... but as for now once all this comes out, someone is going to walk away from this hurt.'
He looked up into the face of the young blond who was engrossed in his wife's features. 'It has to be me who'll walk away alone. She belongs to him and her vow to him is forever definite. He can give her all the things I never could, and more important he'll be there when she cries. A promise I can't keep as a solider.
He doesn't know it but it was better when I wasn't here. But I suppose this meeting was inevitable. I just wish I wasn't the other man who stood in the way of your wife's heart being given to you. I'm sorry Quatre...I'm so sorry.
~~~~*~~~~
Quatre stood with the nervous groom, Duo and Desiree.
"Think your going to make it? you look a little pale." Quatre asked Wufei.
"Of course. I've done it before. There's nothing to it." he said with a weak smile.
"You're nervous." Duo said point blankly.
"No, I'm not." Wufei protested.
Duo laughed. "Oh yes you are. You look like your ready to pass out. But don't worry. This is nothing. Wait til your first little one comes." Duo finished with a smile.
"I'm not having any kids." Wufei said disgusted.
"Then you shouldn't be here man! That's what I said and I've got three! Two came in one package!" Duo said giving Wufei a slap on the back.
"That's your problem." Wufei hissed.
"And according to Hilde, it's your fault too!" Desiree said with a giggle.
"Hey! She helped!" Duo said defensively.
Duo looked at Quatre who was wide eyed and turning a steady shade of crimson. "Oh man!" Duo said with a chuckle, "You're next you know."
Quatre's head swung around and he looked at the brown haired pilot wide eyed, then at Desiree when she started giggling. He turned his back to them and looked toward the door. He smiled widely when he saw who came through the door.
"Trowa! He finally made it!" Quatre excused himself and started making his way through the growing crowd. The others, except Desiree followed.
Desiree looked ahead gasping, and feeling a panic set in. She stopped herself from dropping her bridesmaid bouquet when she put her hand to her mouth. Breathless she whispered," Triton."
~~~~*~~~~
The wedding went on without a hitch, except for Duo and Hilde's daughter and Heero and Relena's son trying to beat the tar out of one another during the ceremony. Now at the reception, the pilots gathered around the groom with raised eyebrows and peculiar looks, watching him intently. Wufei was almost teary eyed.
"There she is. Isn't she perfect? Every detail exactly proportioned just right. Not too much or too little. Every detail wonderful and formed just so." Wufei stepped to his side and bent over, putting his head on his arms that were crossed on the table. He stared on dreamy eyed. "It can't get any better. It's going to be wonderful. And she's mine-- all mine." A tingly sensation went down his spine as he thought of it. A smile etched his features. "I'll never forget her. I'll remember her as long as I live."
The others continued to look on wide eyed. Trowa shook his head. 'He's totally gone... he's nuts.'
"It's just so right. So justified... so..." He put his fingers to his lips and made a kissing motion. "It's perfect. Absolutely perfect."
"Are you going to eat this thing or am I?" Duo exclaimed breaking Wufei out of his revelry.
"Yeah, it's a sandwich... not the Holy Grail." Quatre said looking at Wufei as if he was insane.
Wufei looked at the two annoyed, picked up his sandwich, and left to go back to the wedding table. 'There's just no justice in the world for the perfect sandwich'.
"Oh God! That guy has one overly developed sense of justice!" Duo said with a wild gesturing of his hands.
"You'd think he was talking about Sally with the way he was going on." Quatre replied.
"Please don't go there!" Duo said holding his hands up in a stopping motion. "I mean, have you ever heard him talk about her? He's even worse about it than he was just now! Before we left for Quatre's estate last night, Desiree was on the verge of killing him when he started!"
"Well it just goes to show how much he's in love with her." Trowa said quietly.
The rest all looked at him as if he was some sentimental poet. Quatre smiled shortly after. He realized Desiree was his main topic of conversation anymore. Could he be in love with her? He looked over at Wufei and Sally as they stole a kiss when they thought no one was looking.
"They look adorable together." Quatre said his thought aloud.
He was given the weird glances next. "Speaking of adorable..." Duo pointed ahead to Desiree who was holding Duo's daughter Alisa in her arms, "isn't she beautiful?"
"Which one?" Heero asked not sure if he meant Alisa or Desiree.
Duo shrugged. "Both I guess. I know Alisa is, what do you think? Isn't my sister beautiful?"
"Yeah." Trowa and Quatre answered in one voice. They exchanged small smiles with each other then looked at Duo.
"Glad you agree with me." Duo said with raised eyebrows in Trowa's direction. He turned to Heero. "What about you Mr. Yuy?"
Heero eyed him then looked at Desiree as she put Alisa down who started to run to Duo. "She's attractive," Heero said when Alisa stopped in front of her father and wrapped her arms around his waist.
"Ready for cake?" Duo asked her. She nodded with a smile. "Okay... up we go!" he said cheerily as he took her in his arms and carried her off.
"Have you met Desiree yet Trowa?" Quatre asked with a smile.
"Well actually..."
"Come on!" Quatre said not really hearing Trowa begin to answer him.
They crossed the room to where Desiree had found a seat. She looked up with a smile then it turned to a wide eyed look when she saw Trowa. She stared at Trowa for a long moment then looked at her husband. Quatre noticed it, his brow furrowing as he looked in her eyes. 'Have they met before? She looks pale, scared, and worried... and the pain I thought was leaving her slowly is there.' He looked at Trowa. The same look was in his eyes and face. Then the expression disappeared from both of their faces.
Quatre shook it off. Tentatively he spoke, "Desiree this is Trowa Barton, my best friend. Trowa, my wife Desiree."
He saw a weak smile come to his wife's lips as she stood, meeting only up to Trowa's chest. She extended a hand to him. "Trowa."
"Desiree." Trowa acknowledged in return, a hint of-- something in his voice.
"Umm... if you'll excuse me, I need to see if Relena needs my help with anything." Desiree said formally and promptly left the two.
Quatre looked up at Trowa. His head was downcast, his eyes shut tight. He looked down at his hands- they were clenched into tight fists.
"Have you met before?" Quatre asked him softly.
Trowa opened his eyes and looked at the blond with eyes that said he did and told the missing part of Desiree's former love-- it told Quatre his name. It was Trowa, his best friend. No wonder he had stayed away. He felt relieved at knowing who it was. Anger for what forced pain on his wife and best friend, and somewhere inside betrayed.
"Yes, we've met." Trowa said softly. He saw the look in the Arabian's eyes. The pain. 'He knows.' Quatre nodded. He looked around and caught Duo trying to get his attention. His expression was somber.
"I think Duo needs to tell us something." Quatre said and began to walk to him. Trowa followed a few steps behind.
When they finally stood in front of the man with the trademark braid, he pulled them back into a room away from the reception. Inside Heero waited with Rashid and Relena.
"What is it?" Quatre asked when he saw Relena look up at him gloomily then turn away.
"I think you'll need to sit down for what I'm about to tell you." Relena stated looking back up at Quatre. Quatre took a seat with the feeling of a student being sent to the principal's office.
"Quatre, we've found out finally how Desiree's foster parents died." Relena stated then looked at her husband.
He nodded and took over. "We've just received a fax with the complete report. You know her parents died in the Gundam Wars...?"
"Heero, just tell me." Quatre broke in.
"As you wish." Heero took a deep breath before telling his news. "They were victims of a massive explosion of a Colony." Heero looked down surprisingly dejected, then back up hesitantly. "The Colony was destroyed by a single Gundam."
"Oh my God!" Quatre exclaimed putting his hands to his face. His eyes began to shimmer with tears. "I killed..." he swallowed down the convulsive catching of breath while he tried to hide his weeping. "I killed her parents."
"Yes Quatre. They were on a routine trip to the Colony. Desiree always stayed behind with a friend because she hated transports." Relena said trying to hide the emotion from her voice. She couldn't bear to look Quatre in the face. It registered too much pain.
They all stayed silent for several minutes until Heero said," Come on, he needs some time alone."
When the door closed again, Quatre let loose on his tears. He leaned forward banging his fists on the couch's armrest, then buried his face in his arms. He jumped when he felt a soft touch on his back.
"It wasn't you who killed them." He heard Trowa say in back of him.
Quatre spun around in frustrated anger, ready to lash out at anything. "YES! Yes it was!" he saw in his mind the Colony blow up before him, and remembered what had driven him to it. "I was desperate with grief. I..."
"That was another you. You didn't know what you were doing. Your father's death increased the Zero system's hold on your mind. Quatre... they were simply in the wrong place at the right time." Trowa tried to reason.
"But that doesn't change anything! I killed so many people with that one act. How am I going to tell her? How Trowa? How?" Quatre asked burying his face in his arms again.
Trowa thought for a moment. "You won't have to."
Quatre looked up at him through blurry eyes. "How can I not? I can't keep this from her."
"I'll tell her." Quatre looked away.
"I'll explain things to her. What caused it to happen. Let me tell her." Trowa pleaded laying a hand on Quatre's shoulder. Quatre nodded and gave into another wave of tears.
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