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Enjoy this! I'll keep posting my progress!

About Me:

Hello people! well something you might enjoy knowing about me is that I am already a struggling writer ate the age of 15. I would like to write and publish a book by a teen, for teens, and about a teen, by graduation of Senior year in high school. It looks like I'm on my way already. THIS STORY IS REAL! please understand that all entries on this site are my own work. Please DON'T COPY, but referance to this site is appriciated. Thank you, and I appriciate you taking the time to read a story that means so very much to me. Please e-mail me for suggestions/editing on the book (e-mail at the bottom of the page). Thank you for your time.

Table of Contence

• Intro
• Chapter 1
• Chapter 2
• Chapter 3
• Chapter 4
• Chapter 5
• Send me comments

My walk In Teenage Shoes
By Melissa Fults

This story goes out to all those in need of
A friend and all friends of someone in need,
For it is a friend that got me through tough times,
It is a friend who always will.

Intro

As once said by Alexander Ruperti, “A crisis is a turning point, that which proceeds change.” Before you can rightfully say you “get it” you must first examine the carefully placed words that make up this phrase. First, what is a crisis? Is it a slump, a bad day, a small problem with a greater solution? Is it mental fatigue, or is it simply a word to use to fell smart and empowered when angry at the world? My crisis is a lost friend, my crisis is an absence of hope, my crisis is a broken heart never to be mended and yet unbroken by the harsh fate of love, my crisis is a life that once was mine but now is forever lost. My crisis… my past, my present, my unknowing and all but doomed future. What is my change that inevitably precedes this crisis… of all the knowledge I hold, this I do not know.

It was spring of 2002 when I realized what, exactly, my life had come to. I was 13 yrs old, no boyfriend, many meaningless relationships past me (or still lingering close behind, friend or otherwise), and an almost non-existent mother-daughter relationship. My life, it seemed, had hit something, not a peak, not a collapse per say, just something.

I was active, but I wasn’t doing what I wanted to do. I wanted to crack hilarious jokes at the perfect opportunities, I wanted to sing, I wanted the lead in the school play, I wanted to play the piano like Beethoven, draw pictures that seemed un-creatable by the human hand, I wished to star on a varsity softball team, I wanted not just a life but a popular one. But, as you may have guessed… things weren’t going the way I hoped, wished, prayed, cried out, and begged for them to be. I got some of the life I hoped for, but there seemed to be some much more out there for me! I was the “math geek”, I was heavy, I had a best friend RUIN my life as I knew it, and to top it off… I was discovering while in the midst of all that goes wrong with a teenager’s life, that I might be bi-curious! It was official my life had gone down the superficial crapper, and to say the least… I DIDN’T LIKE IT!!!

Looking back to just a few years ago, it wasn’t death but it wasn’t me fully living what life I had. I was unhappy, a lot, contemplated taking disturbingly drastic measures to stop the pain, and I had, and still have, serious self-esteem issues. I wasn’t who I was supposed to, destined to, wanted to, or determined to be. Life was getting hard, and I, like most people, liked things the easy way. My life was full of ups and downs and I have never really cared for roller coasters. I was 13 yrs old and taking my first REAL walk, in teenage shoes.

Chapter 1
The Beginning of a Never Ending Story

It was in the sixth grade when my life was shot down from its birth given grace. That year started great, for what it is worth. Loads of friends, a “boyfriend” (can you really have a boyfriend when your 12?) whom I had liked for what seemed to be forever, and a best friend who would do anything for me, and whom, in turn, I would give my own life to save. She never knew about the fact that I would give my life for hers, only a pact to myself that remains unbroken and made long ago, knew it to be true… until now.

The betrayal began one night in the fall months of the year 2000. She was invited to spend her first night at my house. We played, talked, and laughed. I thought it was a perfect evening with the perfect friend, and it was, for the trouble didn’t start until the next evening. We awoke from the night’s heavy sleep we spent a few hours together before the company of my cousin (about 30at the time), John, who said hi to us. He was to help my dad that day with my family’s computer, which had been on the fritz, and he eventually made our acquaintance.

My friend, Franny, and I had a chance later in the afternoon to join in a game on the Play Station with John and my sister, Mallorie. Jealous of John’s incessant winning, I started poking him furiously. Franny, who was, in my opinion, a bit smitten for John, eagerly joined in. John was uncomfortable with this, so he stopped the “tickle war” and resumed the game.

Fanny and I later left for my room upstairs. My sister asking us if we wanted to come back down stairs and watch some movies with her and John greeted us. We said yes and went to watch the movie. We were seated so that Franny was on the left end, followed by Mallorie, then John, and lastly, me sitting in the right corner. This was on an “L” shaped couch so John was a whole 7 or 8 feet away from Franny the whole movie. When the movie was over, we, both in tight jeans and T-shirts, headed to my room. Once there, Franny claimed that John had been touching her during the movie, which I knew was impossible because I had NEVER left them alone and by the fact that they were 8 feet apart the whole time. I thought she was playing a mean trick so I told her to quit fooling around and blew the whole thing off.

About a half hour later my sister asked again if we wanted to watch another movie. I was tired and said I really didn’t want to; I also didn’t want Franny saying he “touched her” during the second movie, but Franny was quick to say yes. We changed into our nightclothes and were off. I led the way downstairs wearing my baggy T-shirt I had worn that day now with a pair of boxer shorts instead of my pants, and Franny followed in what had become a tight shirt (with no bra) and a pair of lose boxer shorts (both her choice AFTER she knew we would go downstairs again). John and Mal were already sitting. John was lying across the “bottom of the L” with his feet pointing toward the end were I was sitting in the movie before and were I sat then. Franny, for some strange reason having she thought she had just been molested, jumped at the opportunity to lie in front of him and that’s were she stayed until John got uncomfortable and went out for a smoke.

Later, he came back in the house he sat straight up so that Franny couldn’t sit in front of him. That’s how we stayed for the rest of the movie. When Franny and I went back upstairs, she seemed fine and we went to bed. She was sent home that day and all was well. It was night and I was just slipping into bed. The phone rang. It was the stepfather of Franny, complaining that his daughter had been molested the previous night. I was freaked out but all I could do was get an uneasy night’s rest and see her the next day at school.

The following morning, feeling ill, I left school before 9:15 recess. That was what she had been waiting for. Like a night prowling animal she had trapped her prey and seized the opportunity to take its helpless life. I, a wounded creature, was no match for her powerful and manipulative words. As quoted by Buddha, “An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind” and wound me she did. But she is worse than friend and beast, for she wounded not just my mind but also my heart, my soul, my being, and my life. She was enemy and like the Romans told, I fed him when he was hungry and I gave him drink when he was thirsty and he healed. Unfortunately, my enemy is not merciful and when my enemy grew strong again, he attacked without remorse and sorrow, for my enemy is evil, and evil has no soul.

My school, teachers, and friends had been told a one sided story of a horrid event that was said to have destroyed all that was left of an innocent girl. Much exaggerated, one accidental bump while passing each other going to the couch had become and event of horror and the raping of a young girls soul. Lies now consumed the life I had lived as my friends turned to enemies and enemies to nothing to me at all. It was that day I was told of the story she handed out that I knew she had sold her soul for a moment of pity and self absorption that would consume her and become all she strived to be. Friend now enemy, my toils had begun.

Tears consumed my life like a starving boy would devour a warm bowl for soup, always hungry for more. The need for my pain… the deep depression that I feel even today as I pass her in class or hear her name yelled in the halls… the daggers that pierced my soul linger behind me still, waiting for any time to strike and kill what bit of the girl I once was that I hold deep within myself still. My soul is gone, only to return to me when the fallen shadow on life is raised by triumph and joy, the two words as unknown to me now as they were when I first felt the pain and sorrow of a life struck down in its glory.

What she did to me destroyed what life I had. The girl who had lived on the phone, who was always with friends, had been destroyed with our friendship. At the end of that year I left the school with but one friend, myself. During that summer, not one letter from a peer, not one e-mail from a schoolmate, NOT ONE ring of the phone was asking for me or for my company. Utterly alone and the epitome of an outcast… I was who I was, and that was unwanted. Most of my time was spent in doors that summer.

Since Franny had told the story to the counselor, John was charged of molestation. He was unable to come into contact with minors for about 6 months and spend time in jail (He was in jail while the initial investigation was taking place, not because he was found guilty. He wasn’t). I went a year without contact with someone I had grown up with and loved like an older brother.

Franny will never know what pain she put my family and me through, and I hope she never will. It goes with the old cliché but I wouldn’t wish that hurt and distress on ANYONE, not even someone who wished it on me. It was the purest of pain, and it killed a part of me, a part I will never get back. I’ll never have a friend that can mend the gap she left in me, not now and not ever. She burned my life into nothing but worthless ashes that all but fly away in the wind.

During the middle of summer clear through the first months of seventh grade, the typical life for my family was a day in court, or a meeting with lawyers, an interview by a prosecutor, or an appearance in front of the Supreme Court. A list of tasks and money-gobbling events that shouldn’t have been put into place were unfortunately becoming the only excitement left. You can only live life to a point without friends, and that point is closer than you would think.

In the end, John was acquitted and the accusation was stripped from his record. There wasn’t enough evidence and the only reason that we ever had to go to court was because the District Attorney that had written the report had “bent” some of my testimony so that it proved John to be guilty. While in the process of this whole matter, Franny had created 7 different stories about what had supposedly happened and the judge started to question her credibility. The court proceedings cost my family $30,000.00 while the expenses of Franny’s accusation cost her family a total of $0.00.

The strangest part of the whole matter is, that Franny’s father had been found guilty of molesting her. She thought she knew what could happen if charges were brought up and proven to be true. She was wrong though. When I told her of the expenses to my family, I believe she had said that her dad only got six years with parole available after four. She was utterly unaware of the consequences of her un-thought out actions. The saying of George Washington puts my reaction to her actions in a better perspective. He said, “Actions, not words, are the true criterion of the attachment of friends.” He summed it up rather nicely, unable to take good actions, our friendship disintegrated into nothing.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.” On the flip side, hate is the one thing that can turn a true friend into the purest form of an enemy. Sometimes a choice is only a choice of attitude, but toward the matter of precious life, any action to destroy its force is backed by an attitude of pain and deception. Even things with silver lining have to have something that’s “not so silver” to put the lining on.

Chapter 2
What’s a “Sevy”?

Adults seem to always say, “that’s the real world” when teenagers are disappointed with life. Of course that’s the real world! If the life we live now isn’t in the real world, then when do we get to awake from our coma and emerge in the “real world”? Is that world any better? You would think the “real world” to be full of war, a place where you are killed if you so much as utter the word happiness. I mean, it seems like every time adults discuss the “real world”, someone has just experienced sadness or hurt. Why can’t the “real world” be talked about when an event of joy has taken place? When will the thought of happiness emerge from the minds of “real world” parents? It’s strange that a world can be thought to only be “real” when it is full of hate of sorrow.

Seventh grade year is a hard one for many, a new school, new friends, a first look at that “real world”, and for a selected few a new start. For some, however, a new start doesn’t come easy, nor new friends or new hope. Some are still dealing with elementary problems. I was one of those people who had no friends to start and was picked out of the crowd and picked on for that reason. Like always, things didn’t start my way. There were good and bad things that took a hold of my life, some good things overpowering painful memories of what I had left behind. One good thing was new friends, lots of new friends, in fact, almost too many. No time for me, I focused on other things. Playing sports, keeping my middle social status, entertaining friends, and of course grades, were all things to focus on. They allowed me to overlook my problems, but I couldn’t grow. I was suffocating myself with pillows of procrastination. I needed a way to face my past with a loving heart, but not leave myself open for hurt.

The decision to leave Franny out of my life for good was a hard one but one that needed to be made. She had destroyed my old life and I needed to ensure that my new life wouldn’t fall to the same gloomy fate. She was banned from my life by a mental barrier that was very hard to keep standing. You see, it’s not an easy thing to do, leave a friend behind, even if that friend has already abandoned you. There is a hole that I, even today, have trouble filling, if i manage to fill part of it at all. The temptation to let her back in my life to fill that very slowly but gradually shrinking gap if so great that it sent me to my room pondering that very question every night for weeks. Its drove me mad, that temptation.

I even at one point gave in to the sweet nectar of forgiveness and talked with her on IM (Instant Messaging). During that conversation she proposed forgiveness from her to me. HOW DARE SHE! She, the one that hurt me so very badly, said she forgave ME! I didn’t need forgiveness from her, she needed it from me. The betrayed only needs to be forgiven by them selves for their very soul at risk of being torn in two, but to be forgiven by the one who caused and didn’t receive pain, PERPOSTEROUS!! She had said she forgave me for not believing her. Should I have? I had only believed what I knew to be true, not what I was told to be true. She thought I should have stuck with her because she was the closest friend humanly possible. I agreed she was insanely important to me but that I had left her in my past, along with memories of a friendship that was struck down in its prime. I loved her. It was the pure and wonderful, if hat was possible. She was a soul mate and I will never find another like her. Although I don’t blame God, I sometimes wonder why he would suck the life from the metaphorical flower of our friendship. She was the best and worst thing that has happened to me. I was now forced to tell my only true soul mate to never speak to me again. The Lord knew I needed a friend but chose to make me walk a long road alone and with a broken soul.

Things were getting better as the slow hands of time dragged past. In the seventh grade, Franny was the one thing that reminded me of why friendships are so important. Its strange really, that the one person who truly betrayed me as a friend and as a person allowed me to put so much faith in the other people in my life. The word friend had a whole new meaning. A friend used to be a person who would invite you to their birthday party, a friend was someone who would call you up and gossip to you about their neighbor, a friend was a person who would spend the night at your house and stay up with you until the wee hours of the morning. A friend later became to me someone who would risk their life to save mine, a friend became the one person who understood my problems not from incite, but from past experience, a friend was the person whom I would long to be near even after the endlessly long separation of death.

A strange word, boyfriend. It literally means a male and a friend, but there is always something more to it than that right? A boyfriend is someone to love, to hold, to kiss, and to be with. Why isn’t a boyfriend simply that, a boy who is a friend? Ill tell you why… its because the universe is a confusing place that enjoys to torment us with questions that cant be answered. Relating to boyfriends, can you date when you are twelve, or thirteen? Is it really counted as dating? Sure you hang out but the purpose of dating is to find someone to eventually marry, and we all know that no one ends up with a person they dated in middle school. So what is the real purpose of middle school dating? The simple answer is that there isn’t a logical reason, but who cares about logic right? The other answer is that we like to brake up with people. You feel power, and you waltz out feeling like you own the place. Who wouldn’t like that feeling? Not unexpectedly, to raise yourself up, you have to push someone down. Getting broken up with is depressing and an experience that all wish to forget.

One boyfriend I once foolishly possessed in the sixth grade was Russ. He was now a sad focus in my life. Everyone knew him… no one wanted to. He was the guitarist that very well thought he should be God. Having issues with his family and himself, he created a false superiority in all of his relationships to help him cope. A close friend of mine named Katie seemed powerless to his mystical spell. She thought he WAS God… and he agreed. They would have been good except for the fact that the poor misguided soul being held hostage by Russ wouldn’t stop trying to change him. Austin was rotten… farther than to the core; to the very depths of his creation he was evil. Although, it is very sad that he was so hopeless, he had the potential to be great, but no will to use it. He was mentally, and occasionally physically, abusive, and he didn’t deserve Katie as a person. She was too good… and he was too murderous.
(May still need to be finished)
Sadly to say, not much else happened in the crap filled seventh grade year of my life. People came in, and people came out, that’s all. No one challenged the order of things… nothing.


Chapter 3
A New Start That Went To Hell


Eighth grade. The smell in the halls was different, almost happier, the problems of the past in the past, new friends on every corner, reunion waiting at the door, the year had begun. It seemed perfect… oh, what little did I know.

That summer I had hooked back up with Renea. She was a girl whom I had liked from the choir in the seventh grade. She had wanted to put together a band and she chose me as a singer and keyboard player. Even though that dream died as quickly as it had begun, we remained friends. I met all of her other friends too and soon was part of the pack. We all had fun, unfortunately, Russ was a part of that fun. He was friends with Renea so he hung out with us. He was a bad idea… plain and simple. He polluted our lives with simple, unimportant actions that would always escalate to larger problems; at times even legal trouble was involved.

What few people know was that Russ had remained in the shadows of my elementary life as well. An ex-boyfriend to many, (sadly including me, twice) he seemed to know how to get what he wanted from a girl. Since the 6th grade he had bragged of sleeping with people whom I had never heard of, but who some of my friends were quite familiar. He was the typical failing slacker musician that had had too many girlfriends to count on all of the fingers and toes of our schoolmates. He was the kind of person your parents warn you about, but being a kid you didn’t listen.

I guess the easiest way to explain the absolute hell of that last delinquent year in middle school is to start at the beginning. School had begun just a few weeks ago and, guess what… Russ was once again the source of mischief in the group.

A week or two back he had gotten his slimy little hands on a bag of weed… and what did he do with it? Why, he sold it, or at least was planning to. Unfortunately he wanted to sell it to Kay, another friend of mine, who was more than willing to buy it for her high school aged boy toy. So, without further ado, he made a deal with her. He foolishly brought it to school and tried to sell to her but a seventh grader saw and ratted them out. Russ got suspended, not to return until March 11, 2003, and Kay, I believe only got detention. But, the irony of it all is that her boyfriend got mugged and the weed was stolen anyways… but maybe it was for the best, no one I am involved with used it, and Russ was temporarily out of our lives.

Seems like it would all be good except for the fact that Katie was still kissing his feet! Even after he treated her SO badly in their “relationship”. Needless to say we had to get the slight “drama queen” to let go of false views that seemed almost melded with her mind. In the end, after MUCH aggravation, thought, anger, ice cream, talking, and visits to the counseling center she finally realized that she (along with the rest of us) was to good for him. That was all we needed of him in our lives, so, we did our best at getting rid of everything to do with him. But sometimes, even if you do all that you can… even if you push yourself to the edge… even if it starts hurting you… sometimes you just can push things so far back that they are truly gone.


Chpater 4
An Unexpected Return

March 11th was coming around soon and in the time that had passed since Russ' leaving seemed to have held a great amount of self imrovement. Unfortunetly, he was coming faster than we all had expected... two or three weeks sooner acctually. We don't know exactly why he got to come sooner but it was a mystery we didn't focus on to heavily.

We all seemed to have gotten over the "charm" that Russ heald in his black soul but we fell all to easily back into his grasp. We pledged to ignore his tricks and lies, but that failed. We swore to stick together to help resist his strange kind of temptation, but that failed. We talked nightly or how shocked he would be when he got back and was powerless... we were wrong again. It seems that his past indevors and grotesk charm once again had us in a nuce and was cutting of our supply of the outside world. There was a strong past history that helped him and his disgusting attemps to win us once more.

When Renea was having a 14th birthday party, she invited Franny, Leslie (another girl who asociated with the menace), Katie, Jenny, Jeremy (a friend of the group), and regretfully, me. Katie brought along her horney freshman toy and we had a hell of a time. We had virgin magaritas, lots of caffine pills, candy, and a good stareo system.

We were happy untill we played truth or dare. We turned it into dare or double dare and it all went to hell. Caitlyn's toy made out with everyone there except me and hopped right on Franny and practically screwed her right there infront of Katie. They were in thier own little world while Katie went inside and took like 7 Caffine pills... and just two will make you hurl.

Everyone separated and all took separate places at the house, most outside, some inside with the stareo and black lights. I sat on the porch and waited for the hopeful arrival of my mum to take me home (I was the only girl not spending the night). It seemed like less than five minuets before Renea (in a slight depression over what her party turned into) got the idea to invite over Russ. (This was, I beleive, a little while after he was suspended because the party was in October) Renea asked Katie to get on the phone because she could get him over easier. Katie hesitated but soon was awaiting his arrival.

He would be there about ten minuets after I left for home with Jeremy bumming a ride. The party kept on in full swing. I guess from what I hear, Franny and Katie's toy kept on for a while, Katie got sick and was hurling in the bathroom, and Russ and Renea were having fun by themselves.

A few days after the night of the party, Russ slept with Renea and all our lives changed. They hadn't used protection, Renea was mature enough that she could have a kid, and Russ just left when he was done and satisfied.

So, as you can tell, Renea was really the one person in our group that had the least control over Russ' charm now and shortly before his return they started dating. So, Renea's life was screwed (no pun intended), Katie was feeling betrayed by the "slut" who once again seemed just that, and me, I was caught in it all.

There isn't much that you can do when a person's life gets to a certain point... it is lost in all of its crappy existance. As my friend used to say, she was (and we all were) "up an unsanitary canal with out any means of propultion", or in other words... well you know what it means in other words.

Chpater 5
His long hard struggle

Family is an important part of any persons life, plain and simple. Many grow with the warmth of someone there guiding you, helping you become yourself, living in the shadows to give you the spotlight. Sometimes, however, people move, grow apart, or just cant find the time anymore to really appriciate all that someone has done for them. Sometimes people make mistakes about their priorities in life and put small things in the places bigger things shold be. I made that mistake with my cusin, Ryan.

My dad was very close to his neice, April, growing up because they were the same age so it was no surpise that when April grew close to her love intrest, Ryan, so did my dad and my mother. Soon we were all one big family, Mom and Dad were married and so were April and Ryan. April and Ryan were the first to have kids and soon so did my parents. They had two children and so did my parents.

April and Ryan were contemplating a third child when i was born so Ryan was always with me, the new baby, when he could be. He would spoil the little me constantly while thinking about if he would like his own with April. They eventually decided that two was enough but Ryan and me still had somthing special... i was like his last child, but i didnt get that until he was gone.

In the year 2000, he was dignosed with throght cancer. The news hit my family hard and about crushed his, but I couldn't really understand what that ment.

The doctors thought at first that an invasive surgery was the best option. After a few weeks, they opened his jaw and took out all of the cancer they could find. They thought they got it all and it was great news for us. After almost a year things were going great. We had done the local 4th of July cat-walk for cancer awarness and everything was almost back to normal and the only real evidence was his thinner figure and the scar all down his chin from where they split the jawbone in half.

It was almost to the big one year mark (after a year the risk of raccuring cancer is greatly reduced) when we got the bad news. It came back. He relapsed worse than before. It was now in places that were harder to operate on and would require more invasive surgery and kemotheraphy. I think the kemo was the hardest part for the strong man that he was. It meant that he couldn't do al the things he was used to doing and that meant loss of his full head of hair and his strength. He wouldnt be able to do as much as he wanted and that was the most cripling part of it all. After a while on kemo he decided he didnt want to slowly go bald so he shaved his head bald and started wearing a hat all the time. He eventually got looser with the hat thing but you could tell he wanted everything back how it was.

He was so strong and the day that he and April decided to buy a hospital bed to put in the house must have been the final blow. After all his pain and all his sarcafices he knew his time with us all was winding down. His now teenage daughter wasnt even out of highschool and his son was about to start college. He wouldnt be able to see his grandchildren and wouldnt be able to give away his daughter at her wedding. The though crushed him and his family. He would miss so much but the amazing thing about his last months was he didnt make a big deal of the times he would miss but spent time focusing on what he still had. The last month or so was mainly spent playing card and board games with my family and his family. We spent alot of time there with then and his kids had alot of time they weren't in school to be with him. He truly made the best of what he had.

The night of his 44th birthday my family went over and brought a cake to his room where he was struggling to breath on his bed. Our parents talked to him and he mummbled and nooded answers and chuckled at my dads lame jokes. We stayed a while but it was a school night so we had to be back home before 11. We said our goodbye's and left. It makes me sad to think that I didnt really give the most meaningfull hug and kiss good bye that i could have... i made it a more of a well ill se you later thing and i didnt. I missed my chance to say i love you and to give him a real hug.

The following night I woke to the sound of my mom crying as she and my dad walked into the house. I knew. That next morning my dad woke me up to tell me he had gone. He said that there probly was some pain in his last days (I knew there way lots of pain. I saw the perscription bottles of pain killers that were on his table and i saw his face that night.) and that he finally just let go. He asked me and my sister if we wanted to go to school that day and i said yes, my sister didnt and stayed with my parents. That day was really hard and i would sit in class and just start crying. My friends tried to helo but couldnt really do all that much to easy the fact that i knew i hadn't taken advantage of the time we were graced with him there by our sides. He was gone and it was the begining of our struggle to start dealing with the loss of that wonderful man i had the pleasure of being close to.

He had asked to be creamated and his ashes spread at sertain spots where we all regularly had camped so we could go 4-wheeling on the sand and ride our dunebuggies. His funeral was very difficult. They showed a video of family pictures with some sentamental songs playing behind it. There was a shell and sand candle that was his daughter's that just seemed to fit with everything and there were so many people there that loved him. There were walls of pictures and random sentamemtal gadgets and gizmoes. His friends talked about how great he was and my dad tried to talk but couldnt get through his speach. I was able to sing Amazing Grace for him before i couldnt speak through the tears and you knew that everyone there loved him to the core. That day was the first time I ever saw my dad cry.

The holidays were the hardest. His birthday was close to christmas and Thanksgiving and the festivness of it all just rubbed him not being there. On Christmas, April and their daughter Jessica couldnt open their presents because he wasnt there to do it with them. They said "We're sure all your presents are lovely... we just cant quite open them yet." That was when i realized all of the things that he wont be there for and all the things we wont do now. The wonderful man that went through a horrible struggle was gone and the ones he had to leave behind had to deal with that. There was a long road ahead for all of us and who knows what challenges are awaiting Ryan in Heaven.

COME AGAIN SOON! I'll keep posting my progress!
You can send me corrections, opinions, and other comments about my work by e-mailing me and placing "YOUR WEBPAGE" in the subject line. THANX!
























New Edited Version!


This has no chapter links and what not but it is edited for your pleasure.







Introduction

As once said by Alexander Ruperti, “A crisis is a turning point, that which proceeds change.” Before you can rightfully say you “get it” you must first examine the carefully placed words that make up this phrase. First, what is a crisis? Is it a slump, a bad day, a small problem with a great solution? Is it mental fatigue, or is it simply a word to use to feel smart and empowered when angry at the world? My crisis is a lost friend, my crisis is an absence of hope, my crisis is a life that once was mine but now is lost. My crisis… my past, my present, my unknowing future. What is my change that inevitably precedes this crisis… of everything my mind holds, I do not truly know.
It was spring of 2002 when I realized what, exactly, my life had come to. I was 13 yrs old, many meaningless relationships past me (or still lingering close behind, friend or otherwise), and an almost non-existent mother-daughter relationship. My life, it seemed, had hit something, not a peak, not a collapse per say, just something.
I was active, but I wasn’t doing what I wanted to do. I wanted to crack hilarious jokes at the perfect opportunities, I wanted to sing, I wanted the lead in the school play, I wanted to play the piano like Beethoven, draw pictures that seemed un-creatable by the human hand, I wished to star on a varsity softball team, I wanted not just a life but a popular one. But, as you may have guessed… things weren’t going the way I hoped, wished, prayed, cried out, and begged for them to be. I got some of the life I hoped for, but there seemed to be some much more out there for me! I was the “math geek”, I was heavy, I had a best friend RUIN my life as I knew it, and to top it off… I was discovering while in the midst of all that goes wrong with a teenager’s life, that my uncle might be dying. It was official my life had gone down the superficial crapper, and to say the least… I didn’t like it.
Looking back to just a few years ago, it wasn’t death but it wasn’t me fully living what life I had. I was unhappy, a lot, contemplated taking disturbingly drastic measures to stop the pain, and I had, and still have, serious self-esteem issues. I wasn’t who I was supposed to, destined to, wanted to, or determined to be. Life was getting hard, and I, like most people, liked things the easy way. My life was full of ups and downs and I have never really cared for roller coasters. I was 13 yrs old and taking my first real walk in teenage shoes.




Chapter 1
The Beginning

It was in the sixth grade when my life was shot down from its birth given grace. That year started great, for what it is worth. Loads of friends, a “boyfriend” (can you really have a boyfriend when your 12?) whom I had liked for what seemed to be forever, and a best friend who would do anything for me, and whom, in turn, I would give my own life to save.
The betrayal began one night in the fall months of the year 2000. She was invited to spend her first night at my house. We played, talked, and laughed. I thought it was a perfect evening with the perfect friend, and it was, for the trouble didn’t start until the next evening. We awoke from the night’s heavy sleep and we spent a few hours together before the arrival of my cousin (about 28 at the time), John, who said hi to us. He was to help my dad that day with my family’s computer, which had been on the fritz, and he eventually made our acquaintance.
My friend, Franny, and I had a chance later in the afternoon to join in a game on the Play Station with John and my sister, Mallorie. Jealous of John’s constant winning, I started poking him furiously. Franny, who was, in my opinion, a bit smitten for John, eagerly joined in. John was uncomfortable with this because he wasn’t very familiar with Franny, so he stopped the “tickle war” and restarted the game.
Fanny and I later left for my room upstairs. My sister asked us if we wanted to come back down stairs and watch some movies with John and her. We said sure and went to watch the movie. We were seated so that Franny was on the left end, followed by Mallorie, then John, and lastly, me sitting in the right corner. This was on an “L” shaped couch so John was a whole 5 or 6 feet away from Franny the whole movie. When the movie was over, we, both in tight jeans and T-shirts, headed to my room. Once there, Franny claimed that John had been touching her during the movie, which I knew was impossible because I had NEVER left them alone and by the fact that they were 8 feet apart the whole time. I thought she was playing a mean trick so I told her to quit fooling around and blew the whole thing off.
About a half hour later my sister asked again if we wanted to watch another movie. I was tired and said I really didn’t want to, but Franny was quick to say yes. So, we changed into our nightclothes and were off. I led the way downstairs wearing my baggy T-shirt I had worn that day now with a pair of boxer shorts instead of my pants, and Franny followed in what had become a tight shirt (with no bra) and a pair of lose boxer shorts (both her choice AFTER she knew we would go downstairs again). John and Mal were already sitting. John was lying across the “bottom of the L” with his feet pointing toward the end where I was sitting in the movie before and where I sat then. Franny, for some strange reason having she thought she had just been molested, jumped at the opportunity to lie in front of him and that’s where she stayed until John got uncomfortable and went out for a smoke.
Later, he came back in the house he sat straight up so that Franny couldn’t sit in front of him. That’s how we stayed for the rest of the movie. When Franny and I went back upstairs, she seemed fine and we went to bed. She went home that day and all was well. It was night and I was just slipping into bed. The phone rang. It was Franny’s stepfather saying that his daughter claimed she had been molested the previous night. I was freaked out but all I could do was get an uneasy night’s rest and see her the next day at school.
The following morning, feeling ill, I left school before 9:15 recess. That was what she had been waiting for. Like a night prowling animal she had trapped her prey and seized the opportunity to take its helpless life. I, a wounded creature, was no match for her powerful and manipulative words. As quoted by Buddha, “An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind” and wound me she did. But she is worse than friend and beast, for she wounded not just my mind but also my heart, my soul, my being, and my life. She was enemy and like the Romans told, I fed him when he was hungry and I gave him drink when he was thirsty and he healed. Unfortunately, my enemy is not merciful and when my enemy grew strong again, he attacked without remorse and sorrow, for my enemy is evil, and evil has no soul.
My school, teachers, and friends had been told a one sided story of a horrid event that was said to have destroyed all that was left of an innocent girl. Lies now consumed the life I had lived as my friends turned to enemies and enemies to nothing to me at all. It was that day I was told of the story she handed out that I knew she had sold her soul for a moment of pity and self absorption that would consume her and become all she strived to be. Friend now enemy, my toils had begun.
Tears consumed my life like a starving boy would devour a warm bowl of soup, always hungry for more. The need for my pain… the deep depression that I feel even today as I pass her in class or hear her name yelled in the halls… the daggers that pierced my soul linger behind me still, waiting for any time to strike and kill what bit of the girl I once was that I hold deep within myself. My soul is gone, only to return to me when the fallen shadow on life is raised by triumph and joy, the two words as unknown to me now as they were when I first felt the pain and sorrow of a life struck down in its glory.
What she did to me destroyed what life I had. The girl in me who had lived on the phone, who was always with friends, had been destroyed with our friendship. At the end of that year I left the school with but one friend, myself. During that summer, not one letter from a peer, not one e-mail from a schoolmate, not one ring of the phone was asking for me or for my company. Utterly alone and the epitome of an outcast… I was who I was, and that was unwanted. Most of my time was spent in doors that summer.
Since Franny had told the story to the counselor, John was charged in court of molestation. He was unable to come into contact with minors for about 6 months and spend time in jail (He was in jail while the initial investigation was taking place, not because he was found guilty. He wasn’t). I went a year without contact with someone I had grown up with and loved more than a brother.
Franny will never know what pain she put my family and me through, and I hope she never will. It goes with the old cliché but I wouldn’t wish that hurt and distress on anyone, not even someone who wished it on me. It was the purest of pain, and it killed a part of me, a part I will never get back. I’ll never have a friend that can mend the gap she left in me, not now and not ever. She burned my life into nothing but worthless ashes that all but fly away in the wind.
During the middle of summer clear through the first months of seventh grade, the typical life for my family was a day in court, or a meeting with lawyers, an interview by a prosecutor, or an appearance in front of the Supreme Court for the case. A list of tasks and money-gobbling events that shouldn’t have been put into place were unfortunately becoming the only excitement left. You can only live life to a point without friends, and that point is closer than you would think.
In the end, John was acquitted and the accusation was stripped from his record. There wasn’t enough evidence and the only reason that we ever had to go to court was because the District Attorney that had written the report had “bent” some of my testimony so that it proved John to be guilty. While in the process of this whole matter, Franny had created 4 different stories about what had supposedly happened, one for me, one for the counselor, one for her parents and the original interview, and one new one in court, and the judge started to question her credibility. The court proceedings cost my family $30,000.00 while the expenses of Franny’s accusation cost her family a total of $0.00.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. said, “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend.” On the flip side, hate is the one thing that can turn a true friend into the purest form of an enemy. Sometimes a choice of action is only a choice of attitude, but toward the matter of precious life, any action to destroy its force is backed by an attitude of pain and deception. One of the lessons on our journey through life is learning to identify those choices and surround ourselves with those who make the same choices as us so that in the end, we don’t get betrayed by a wrong choice we didn’t even make.




Chapter 2
What’s a “Sevy”?

Adults seem to always say, “that’s the real world” when teenagers are disappointed with life. Of course that’s the real world! If the life we live now isn’t in the real world, then when do we get to awake from our coma and emerge in the “real world”? Is that world any better? You would think the “real world” to be full of war, a place where you are killed if you so much as utter the word happiness. I mean, it seems like every time adults discuss the “real world”, someone has just experienced sadness or hurt. Why can’t the “real world” be talked about when an event of joy has taken place? When will the thought of happiness emerge from the minds of “real world” parents? It’s strange that a world can be thought to only be “real” when it is full of hate of sorrow.
Seventh grade year is a hard one for many, a new school, new friends, a first look at that “real world”, and for a selected few a new start. For some, however, a new start doesn’t come easy, nor new friends or new hope. Some are still dealing with elementary problems. I was one of those people who had no friends to start and was picked out of the crowd and picked on for that reason. Like always, things didn’t start my way. There were good and bad things that took a hold of my life, some good things overpowering painful memories of what I had left behind. One good thing was new friends, lots of new friends, in fact, almost too many. No time for me, I focused on other things. Playing sports, keeping my middle social status, entertaining friends, and of course grades, were all things to focus on. They allowed me to overlook my problems, but I couldn’t grow. I was suffocating myself with pillows of procrastination. I needed a way to face my past with a loving heart, but not leave myself open for hurt.
The decision to leave Franny out of my life for good was a hard one but one that needed to be made. She had destroyed my old life and I needed to ensure that my new life wouldn’t fall to the same gloomy fate. She was banned from my life by a mental barrier that was very hard to keep standing. You see, it’s not an easy thing to do, leave a friend behind, even if that friend has already abandoned you. There is a hole that I, even today, have trouble filling, if I manage to fill part of it at all. The temptation to let her back in my life to fill that very slowly but gradually shrinking gap is so great that it sent me to my room pondering that very question every night for weeks. It drove me mad, that temptation.
I even at one point gave in to the sweet nectar of forgiveness and talked with her on IM (Instant Messaging). During that conversation she proposed forgiveness from her to me. HOW DARE SHE! She, the one that hurt me so very badly, said she forgave ME! I didn’t need forgiveness from her, she needed it from me. The betrayed only needs to be forgiven by them selves for their very soul at risk of being torn in two, but to be forgiven by the one who caused and didn’t receive pain, PERPOSTEROUS!! She had said she forgave me for not believing her. Should I have? I had only believed what I knew to be true, not what I was told to be true. She thought I should have stuck with her because she was the closest friend humanly possible. I agreed she was insanely important to me but that I had left her in my past, along with memories of a friendship that was struck down in its prime. I loved her. It was pure and wonderful, if that was possible. She was a soul mate and I will never find another like her. Although I don’t blame God, I sometimes wonder why he would suck the life from the metaphorical flower of our friendship. She was the best and worst thing that has happened to me. I was now forced to tell my only true soul mate to never speak to me again. The Lord knew I needed a friend but chose to make me walk a long road alone and with a broken soul.
Things were getting better as the slow hands of time dragged past. In the seventh grade, Franny was the one thing that reminded me of why friendships are so important. Its strange really, that the one person who truly betrayed me as a friend and as a person allowed me to put so much faith in the other people in my life. The word friend had a whole new meaning. A friend used to be a person who would invite you to their birthday party, a friend was someone who would call you up and gossip to you about their neighbor, a friend was a person who would spend the night at your house and stay up with you until the wee hours of the morning. A friend later became to me someone who would risk their life to save mine, a friend became the one person who understood my problems not from in cite, but from past experience, a friend was the person whom I would long to be near even after the endlessly long separation of death.
A strange word, boyfriend. It literally means a male and a friend, but there is always something more to it than that right? A boyfriend is someone to love, to hold, to kiss, and to be with. Why isn’t a boyfriend simply that, a boy who is a friend? I’ll tell you why… it is because the universe is a confusing place that enjoys tormenting us with questions that cant be answered. Relating to boyfriends, can you date when you are twelve, or thirteen? Is it really counted as dating? Sure you hang out but the purpose of dating is to find someone to eventually marry, and we all know that no one ends up with a person they dated in middle school. So what is the real purpose of middle school dating? The simple answer is that there isn’t a logical reason, but who cares about logic right? The other answer is that we like to break up with people. You feel power, and you waltz out feeling like you own the place. Who wouldn’t like that feeling? Not unexpectedly, to raise yourself up, you have to push someone down. Getting broken up with is depressing and an experience that all wish to forget.
One boyfriend I once foolishly possessed in the sixth grade was Russ. He was now a sad focus in my life. Everyone knew him… no one wanted to. He was the guitarist that very well thought he should be God. Having issues with his family and himself, he created a false superiority in all of his relationships to help him cope. A close friend of mine named Katie seemed powerless to his mystical spell. She thought he WAS God… and he agreed. They would have been good except for the fact that the poor misguided soul being held hostage by Russ wouldn’t stop trying to change him. Austin was rotten… farther than to the core; to the very depths of his creation he was evil. Although, it is very sad that he was so hopeless, he had the potential to be great, but no will to use it. He was mentally, and occasionally physically, abusive, and he didn’t deserve Katie as a person. She was too good… and he was too murderous.
Sadly to say, not much else happened in the crap filled seventh grade year of my life. People came in, and people came out, that’s all. No one challenged the order of things… nothing.




Chapter 3
A New Start That Went To Hell

Eighth grade. The smell in the halls was different, almost happier, the problems of the past in the past, new friends on every corner, reunion waiting at the door, the year had begun. It seemed perfect… oh, what little did I know.
That summer I had hooked back up with Renea. She was a girl whom I had liked from the choir in the seventh grade. She had wanted to put together a band and she chose me as a singer and keyboard player. Even though that dream died as quickly as it had begun, we remained friends. I met all of her other friends too and soon was part of the pack. We all had fun, unfortunately, Russ was a part of that fun. He was friends with Renea so he hung out with us. He was a bad idea… plain and simple. He polluted our lives with simple, unimportant actions that would always escalate to larger problems; at times even legal trouble was involved.
What few people know was that Russ had remained in the shadows of my elementary life as well. An ex-boyfriend to many, (sadly including me, twice) he seemed to know how to get what he wanted from a girl. Since the 6th grade he had bragged of sleeping with people whom I had never heard of, but who some of my friends were quite familiar. He was the typical failing slacker musician that had had too many girlfriends to count on all of the fingers and toes of our schoolmates. He was the kind of person your parents warn you about, but being a kid you didn’t listen.
I guess the easiest way to explain the absolute hell of that last delinquent year in middle school is to start at the beginning. School had begun just a few weeks ago and, guess what… Russ was once again the source of mischief in the group.
A week or two back he had gotten his slimy little hands on a bag of weed… and what did he do with it? Why, he sold it, or at least was planning to. Unfortunately he wanted to sell it to Kay, another friend of mine, who was more than willing to buy it for her high school aged boy toy. So, without further ado, he made a deal with her. He foolishly brought it to school and tried to sell to her but a seventh grader saw and ratted them out. Russ got suspended, not to return until March 11, 2003, and Kay, I believe only got detention. But, the irony of it all is that her boyfriend got mugged and the weed was stolen anyways… but maybe it was for the best, no one I am involved with used it, and Russ was temporarily out of our lives.
Seems like it would all be good except for the fact that Katie was still kissing his feet! Even after he treated her SO badly in their “relationship”. Needless to say we had to get the slight “drama queen” to let go of false views that seemed almost melded with her mind. In the end, after MUCH aggravation, thought, anger, ice cream, talking, and visits to the counseling center she finally realized that she (along with the rest of us) was too good for him. That was all we needed of him in our lives, so, we did our best at getting rid of everything to do with him. But sometimes, even if you do all that you can… even if you push yourself to the edge… even if it starts hurting you… sometimes you just can push things so far back that they are truly gone.




Chpater 4
An Unexpected Return

March 11th was coming around soon and in the time that had passed since Russ' leaving seemed to have held a great amount of self improvement. Unfortunetly, he was coming faster than we all had expected... two or three weeks sooner acctually. We don't know exactly why he got to come sooner but it was a mystery we didn't focus on too heavily.
We all seemed to have gotten over the "charm" that Russ held in his black soul but we fell all to easily back into his grasp. We pledged to ignore his tricks and lies, but that failed. We swore to stick together to help resist his strange kind of temptation, but that failed. We talked nightly or how shocked he would be when he got back and was powerless... we were wrong again. It seems that his past endeavors and grotesque charm once again had us in a Neuse and was cutting of our supply of the outside world. There was a strong past history that helped him and his disgusting attempts to win us once more.
When Renea was having a 14th birthday party, she invited Franny, Leslie (another girl who associated with the menace), Katie, Jenny, Jeremy (a friend of the group), and regretfully, me. Katie brought along her horny freshman toy and we had a hell of a time. We had virgin margaritas, lots of caffeine pills, candy, and a good stereo system.
We were happy until we played truth or dare. We turned it into dare or double dare and it all went to hell. Caitlyn's toy made out with everyone there except me and hopped right on Franny and practically screwed her right there in front of Katie. They were in their own little world while Katie went inside and took like 7 Caffeine pills... and just two will make you hurl.
Everyone separated and all took separate places at the house, most outside, some inside with the stereo and black lights. I sat on the porch and waited for the hopeful arrival of my mum to take me home (I was the only girl not spending the night). It seemed like less than five minuets before Renea (in a slight depression over what her party turned into) got the idea to invite over Russ. (This was, I believe, a little while after he was suspended because the party was in October) Renea asked Katie to get on the phone because she could get him over easier. Katie hesitated but soon was awaiting his arrival.
He would be there about ten minutes after I left for home with Jeremy bumming a ride. The party kept on in full swing. I guess from what I hear, Franny and Katie's toy kept on for a while, Katie got sick and was hurling in the bathroom, and Russ and Renea were having fun by themselves.
A few days after the night of the party, Russ slept with Renea and all our lives changed. They hadn't used protection, Renea was mature enough that she could have a kid, and Russ just left when he was done and satisfied. Luckily for them, fate had decided that we all had been through enough and Renea did not get forced so soon into the adult life of motherhood.
So, as you can tell, Renea was really the one person in our group that had the least control over Russ' charm now and shortly before his return they started dating. So, Renea's life was screwed (no pun intended), Katie was feeling betrayed by the "slut" who once again seemed just that, and me, I was caught in it all.
There isn't much that you can do when a person's life gets to a certain point... it is lost in all of its crappy existence. As my friend used to say, she was (and we all were) "up an unsanitary canal with out any means of propulsion", or in other words... well you know what it means in other words.




Chpater 5
His long hard struggle

Family is an important part of any person’s life, plain and simple. Many grow with the warmth of someone there guiding you, helping you become yourself, living in the shadows to give you the spotlight. Sometimes, however, people move, grow apart, or just can’t find the time anymore to really appreciate all that someone has done for them. Sometimes people make mistakes about their priorities in life and put small things in the places bigger things should be. I made that mistake with my cousin, Ryan.
My dad was very close to his niece, April, growing up because they were the same age so it was no surprise that when April grew close to her love interest, Ryan, so did my dad and my mother. Soon we were all one big family, Mom and Dad were married and so were April and Ryan. April and Ryan were the first to have kids and soon so did my parents. They had two children and so did my parents.
April and Ryan were contemplating a third child when I was born so Ryan was always with me, the new baby, when he could be. He would spoil the little me constantly while thinking about if he would like his own with April. They eventually decided that two was enough but Ryan and me still had something special... i was like his last child, but I didn’t get that until he was gone.
In the year 2000, he was diagnosed with throat cancer. The news hit my family hard and about crushed his, but I couldn't really understand what that meant.
The doctors thought at first that an invasive surgery was the best option. After a few weeks, they opened his jaw and took out all of the cancer they could find. They thought they got it all and it was great news for us. After almost a year things were going great. We had done the local 4th of July cat-walk for cancer awareness and everything was almost back to normal and the only real evidence was his thinner figure and the scar all down his chin from where they split the jawbone in half.
It was almost to the big one year mark (after a year the risk of reoccurring cancer is greatly reduced) when we got the bad news. It came back. He relapsed worse than before. It was now in places that were harder to operate on and would require more invasive surgery and chemotherapy. I think the chemo was the hardest part for the strong man that he was. It meant that he couldn't do all the things he was used to doing and that meant loss of his full head of hair and his strength. He wouldn’t be able to do as much as he wanted and that was the most crippling part of it all. After a while on chemo he decided he didn’t want to slowly go bald so he shaved his head bald and started wearing a hat all the time. He eventually got looser with the hat thing but you could tell he wanted everything back how it was.
He was so strong and the day that he and April decided to buy a hospital bed to put in the house must have been the final blow. After all his pain and all his sacrifices he knew his time with us all was winding down. His now teenage daughter wasn’t even out of high school and his son was about to start college. He wouldn’t be able to see his grandchildren and wouldn’t be able to give away his daughter at her wedding. The thought crushed him and his family. He would miss so much but the amazing thing about his last months was he didn’t make a big deal of the times he would miss but spent time focusing on what he still had. The last month or so was mainly spent playing card and board games with my family and his family. We spent a lot of time there with them and his kids had a lot of time they weren't in school to be with him. He truly made the best of what he had.
The night of his 44th birthday my family went over and brought a cake to his room where he was struggling to breathe on his bed. Our parents talked to him and he mumbled and nodded answers and chuckled at my dads lame jokes. We stayed a while but it was a school night so we had to be back home before 11. We said our goodbyes and left. It makes me sad to think that I didn’t really give the most meaningful hug and kiss good bye that I could have... I made it a more of a well I’ll se you later thing and I didn’t. I missed my chance to say I love you and to give him a real hug.
The following night I woke to the sound of my mom crying as she and my dad walked into the house. I knew. That next morning my dad woke me up to tell me he had gone. He said that there probably was some pain in his last days (I knew there was lots of pain. I saw the prescription bottles of painkillers that were on his table and I saw his face that night.) and that he finally just let go. He asked me and my sister if we wanted to go to school that day and I said yes, my sister didn’t and stayed with my parents. That day was really hard and I would sit in class and just start crying. My friends tried to hello but couldn’t really do all that much to easy the fact that I knew I hadn't taken advantage of the time we were graced with him there by our sides. He was gone and it was the beginning of our struggle to start dealing with the loss of that wonderful man I had the pleasure of being close to.
He had asked to be cremated and his ashes spread at certain spots where we all regularly had camped so we could go 4-wheeling on the sand and ride our dune buggies. His funeral was very difficult. They showed a video of family pictures with some sentimental songs playing behind it. There was a shell and sand candle that was his daughter's that just seemed to fit with everything and there were so many people there that loved him. There were walls of pictures and random sentimental gadgets and gizmos. His friends talked about how great he was and my dad tried to talk but couldn’t get through his speech. I was able to sing Amazing Grace for him before I couldn’t speak through the tears and you knew that everyone there loved him to the core. That day was the first time I ever saw my dad cry.
The holidays were the hardest. His birthday was close to Christmas and Thanksgiving and the festiveness of it all just rubbed him not being there. On Christmas, April and their daughter Jessica couldn’t open their presents because he wasn’t there to do it with them. They said "We're sure all your presents are lovely... we just can’t quite open them yet." That was when I realized all of the things that he won’t be there for and all the things we wont do now. The wonderful man that went through a horrible struggle was gone and the ones he had to leave behind had to deal with that. There was a long road ahead for all of us and who knows what challenges are awaiting Ryan in Heaven.









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