scribblings

Fallen
This feeling is new to me
You dont understand
You just can't see
i'm trying to run
But I can't hide
Everything I know is gone
It hurts inside

CHORUS
I know, I know
You won't believe me
Cuz I know
You don't wanna see me
I know, I know
You can hear me callin
But you won't come
Cuz you know I've fallen

This longing hurts so bad
Why don't you understand?
You make me so mad
And I'm trying to fly
But I just come down
Everything I've loved I've lost
I've hit the ground

CHORUS

BRIDGE
Don't turn your back
I'm not done
If you don't care
Then I'll run
Far away from this place here
Where there'll be no pain
And no fear
Promise you I won't fall again
But if I do please know
I'll still love you then

CHORUS



Same
Don't even try
And you will never be
You're all about yourself
Oblivious to me

You know it's all the same

The silence you make is deafening
Cuz you forgot about everything

It's all the same to you though
You know it's all the same

I'm moving
But I can hardly tell
The way that things are going
I barely recognize myself

It's all the same to you though
You know it's all the same



Need You To See
I'm so cold and lost
I don't know who you are
I think that I'm so close
Just to find out I'm so far

CHORUS
I need you to know
Need you to understand
I need you to guide me
I need you hand

It's so ugly and sick
What I see before my eyes
Just when I start to see the truth
I am choked with lies

CHORUS

BRIDGE
I see the light
It captures me
Let it pierce into my mind
It burns my soul
Steals the truth
I wish that I were blind

CHORUS

It's so stange and new
The world that I see here
Just when I reach the shore
I'm drowned in fear

CHORUS



Collar
What is wrong with you?
You are sick,
Unoriginal, unfair, untruthful
I'm kept on a tight lead
You are scared
So afraid that I might become beautiful

I'm not supposed to have a mind,
Obediant, reserved, mannered
It's really quite odd
The way you pretend to care
You'd kick me out if I came home hammered

I am a tool not a person
I do not feel, do not taste
I am a slave



Surrender
I'm giving up
I've had enough
This world's so full of shit
It's just too much

So I'll stop smiling
And pretending to give a fuck
I'll become a no one
A no one who's just giving up



Please
Please, just say goodbye and leave
Please, end this sadness I've conceived
Please, stop feuding in my head
Please, don't touch these lies I've been fed
Please, don't try to make it real
Please, don't see the ache I feel
Please, just go and leave this all behind
Please, just know that I'll be fine

Please, please, please
Remember me as I was, and not as I am
Please, please, please
Just go and make this pain all end



Don't Cry For Me
Now I'm gone
What ya gonna do?
Relax, sit back
Let my hatred run you through
You know I never cared
But you never did the same
Whatever you were not
Is just what I became

CHORUS
Under it all
It hurt so bad
Never really knew
Just what I had
I always believed
It was all in my head
But don't cry for me
Cuz I'm already dead

I was too strong to love you
But too weak to change
I was so confused
I felt rearranged
You always said
I'd end up like this
I want you to know
It's you I'm gonna miss

CHORUS



Save Me From Myself
I'll turn my back on you
I'll turn my back on life
I'll turn my back on everything I believe in
And give in to the on going strife

CHORUS
It's not something I'm proud of
It's not something I can help
When I start to do these things
Please save me from myself

I hate the way I fuck up
And I hate the way that's true
I hate the way I'm never what you want in me
I don't mean anything to you

CHORUS



Get By
The sun of my life
Rises in your eyes
That's why it came
As such a surprise

When you said
You'd had enough
The burden of us
Was just too much

So how the fuck will I get by
Without you by my side
The pain you left me hurts so much
I wish it were a lie

My sun is setting...



Friction
The second you see me
The friction begins
But my way doesn't matter
Cuz you always win

But I always wonder
Why you're number one
Even when it's obvious
I'm just havin fun

But in their eyes you're innocent
Because of your condition
They way you always come out on top
Is seeming to be tradition



Time
What if
I weren't there for you?
You'd be alone
What would you do?
Go find someone else?
I'm a thing of the past
They'll be there for you
But how long will it last?



End
I can't stop
It's over

It's all I got
I'ts over

I'm gonna fall
It's over

I can't stop
It's over

I'm tired
But I can't stop

You're a fucking liar
But I can't stop

I'd push you away
But I can't stop

I'm tired
But I can't stop




Original Angel
I'm touched by your art
It makes me feel something I don't know
You're my angel up high
But still I'm stuck here down below

You bring me up when I am down
I feel stronger when I hear your sweet sound

You're my angel, help me fly
I want to be where you are
I want to be in that place so bad
But it seems so hopeless and far

You give me the courage I need to wake
I share with you my every break

When I want to give up and just not try
Your songs make me believe
Inside we are what we want to be
We are capable of things un-conceived

You make me feel alive when I am fragile
I love you forever, my original angel



You Don't Even Know...
You don't even know
How you hurt me; why I'm mad
You took away my smile
Now all I can feel is sad

You don't even know
What you're doing to me
I've told you time and time again
But I just can't make you see

You don't even know
How I thought you were my friend
Everyone says to let you go
But I don't want our friendship to end

You don't even know
How your hurt me so fucking bad
I like you more than anyone before
But I'm just so fucking mad!

You don't even know
How I gave someone up for you
I was sure that things would go my way
Then I remembered: my dreams never come true

You don't even know
I think about this day and night
Every time I talk to you
Things become even less all right

You don't even know
How special you made me feel
When I thought you actually liked me,
When I thought you were for real

You don't even know
I hate the way you flirt
I thought you really liked me
Now that I know you don't I feel like dirt

You don't even know
How much you led me on
You stripped me of my happiness
Now I fear our friendship's gone...

You don't even know
That to me you are everything
I want you so badly
I'd give up life; I'd give up anything

You don't even know
This is tearing me apart
It's ruining my life
I can't even feel my heart

You don't even know
How bad it hurts inside
All the feelings I am feeling
All the times that I have cried

I never should have told you
What I really felt inside
Because now that i know the truth
I only want to die...



Until I Met You

I would want, but never need
My heart would cry, but never bleed…
Until I met you
I would be sad, but never cry
I wanted to be left alone, but never to die…
Until I met you
I would get hurt, but heal as time passed
I would be broken, but it never would last…
Until I met you
I would dream, but not through the day
I always liked, but never loved someone this way…
Until I met you
I dreamt from far, but never so close
What was running through the mind, I never did know…
Until I met you
I’ve messed up before, but never like this
Have never so badly wanted the hugs, wanted the kiss…
Until I met you
I’ve never been in love, can’t live without
Wanted to never stop crying, wanted to just scream and shout…
Until I met you
I’ve never had a friend, a friend who I wanted to be more
I’ve never needed something to happen, never been so sure…
Until I met you
I’ve never stopped smiling for this long
Things were going so right, when did they get so wrong?
I’ve never felt love…
Until I met you



I want…

I want you to hold me in your arms like you’ll never let go.
I want you to be mine and only mine.
I want to be yours and only yours.
I want to make you smile.
I want to feel your lips on mine.
I want to feel safe in your arms.
I want you to smile when you think about me.
I want to give you everything you’ve ever dreamed of.
I want to be everything you’ve ever wished for.
I want to hug you and feel like everything is ok.
I want to be the best friend you’ll ever have.
I want to fall asleep smiling because I have someone like you to call my own.
I want you to be my life and everything in it.
I want you to keep me warm when I am cold.
I want to make you laugh.
I want you to need me like I need you.
I want to be happy.
I want one chance.
I want you to understand.
I want everything that I’ve fought so hard for, but failed to get.
I want everything that will never ever happen…



I thought you should know
My life has finally changed
To completely amazing from bad
My daily façade has disappeared
Along with the darkness I had

You turned it all around for me
You changed the person I am
You gave me something to live for
And I want you to know how grateful I am

You make my life bearable
You make me sane
You brought out the sun
When all I had was rain

Just when I was on the edge
You took my hand and pulled me away
You make my life worth while
And I’m thanking you every day

I didn’t know I could feel this way
Feel so happy and whole
I love you with every inch of me
And I just thought I’d let you know
I love you



Help
Everything is better now
I’ve every reason to be glad
So if I am so happy
Why do I still feel so sad?

I’ve got exactly what I wanted;
What started all this pain
I was sure when things turned around
I’d never feel this again

I should be always happy
Instead my tears still flow
I feel like my brakes have given out;
My switch is stuck on go

I’d like to say I’m happy
That I’m not falling apart
I don’t understand why I feel this way
And it’s confusing my mind and heart

I know what I feel for him
And it truly is amazing
I know I love him with all my soul
But this feeling is so hazing

I feel nothing; I am numb
As I sit and stare at the wall
Wanting to feel happy; to feel anything
Instead I don’t feel at all

I don’t know why I feel this way
I don’t know whom to tell
I shouldn’t have to feel like this
Maybe I should get help…



When I Look At You
when i look at you, it makes my heart skip a beat. sometimes i still can't believe that you're mine; sometimes i can't believe that it turned around and i was blessed with an incredible angel. how things changed...
i can't believe that you're the same person that you were before. i gave into the pesimist in me and made myself believe that we would never be anything more than what we were; friends. that feeling grew so strong as time went on...and i grew sadder and sadder and fell deeper into my dark hole.
i thought of you every minute of each day and night and each thought twisted the knife in my heart a little more. i felt the scariest feelings i had ever had before: i felt saddened by the whole situation, betrayed and tricked by a good friend, hate towards someone whom i love, and complete and utter lonliness.
i was alone. i pushed everyone else away in my misery. i didn't have a broken heart...i had an empty shell where it should have been. i was numb; feeling nothing...and i didn't care. i didn't want to feel anything. it was better if i just stopped caring about everything; just let go of it all.
i'd be lying if i said it'd worked. instead of feeling less...i felt more. i barely went a day without crying or lashing out a someone...including you. hurting myself was never an option before. but it hurt so incredibly badly inside...i just had to let it out. i regret doing it now. every time i look at the red scars forever tattooed on my wrist i think about all those bad times and even thought i know it's over, all the pain and mind numbing sadness comes stampeding back.
i had never been so scared of myself...i had thought about hurting myself before but had always been too scared. as sick as it sounds, it felt good in a way. i felt that i was removing some of my internal pain by making a physical wound; by making a new sore it helped ease the other. it also felt good because it hurt you. and when i think of that now it disgusts me. i just wanted to male you see, or feel, the pain you were causing me. and since words weren't seeming to get through, i thought i might have to make a less subtle hint.
and even now all these memories make me cry. i know it's all over with and in the past but it was all so terrible. people shouldn't have to feel that way...especially when they're in love. for a time i couldn't figure out whether i loved you or hated you for what you had done to me. i felt that you had turned me into some dark, cold, scared monster that would never open herself up to another person again.
but i'm not afraid anymore. i'm not afraid to give myself to you, to open up my heart to you and let you in. i'm not phased by what happened before because i don't want to waste the time i've been given with you. my darkness gave way to a beautiful light and now i have you; my heart.
i love you. i love everything about you. you may not be perfect (no one is), but i know you're perfect with me. you make me feel more complete than i knew was ever possible. i wish i could spend every moment with you. when i close my eyes to go to sleep i wish i had you picture imprinted on my eyelids so you would be in my dreams.
everytime i'm with you i love you more and everytime i have to leave you i die a little. even as i'm writing this i wish you could be in my arms. if i could, i would hold you till the day i die, because just holding you in my arms, just seeing you makes me so unbelievably happy. when i look at you it makes my heart skip a beat, because i am looking straight into the eyes of true love...of an angel.



Former Angel
I used to be your angel
Your eyes brimmed with pride
I used to be your dream
But now I see that dream has died

I became my own person
With a beautiful mind
And now that I’m thinking for myself
You think it’s alright to leave me behind

I molded myself;
My image, mind, and thoughts
I thought, once again, you’d be proud of me
But for some reason you’re not

I’m doing what makes me happy
Doing what I want to do
But those things can’t make you happy
Well guess what…it’s not up to you!

I’m doing my best;
Trying so hard to make you understand
But I’m never fucking good enough
I can never meet your demand

So what the fuck am I to you?
A disappointment? Well that’s bullshit!
You’re just afraid of my individuality
Of my happiness – don’t deny it!

And now I’ve found someone I can love
And you don’t even try to make it work
I’d think you’d want to help me out
But you’re just a self-centered jerk!

I’m changing
Everyday I become a little different
And pretty soon I won’t hide it anymore
My hate for you will be evident

Can’t you see what this is doing to me?
Or are you too wrapped up in your own world?
This is slowly killing me
But you just say “I’m another teenage girl”

You used to be so proud of me
To you I used to be something
I used to be your angel
But I have changed, and now I’m nothing

Nothing at all…



Trapped
You’re my four walls
You close in on me more everyday
I won’t wear a disguise to please you
I won’t let you have your way

I’m trapped in a lie
And everyone else is spoon fed shit
I won’t be what you tell me to
I won’t give in to it

But I’m afraid
That if I shed my mask I’ll be cast aside
Because I have my own dreams
If I let you want me, they’ll have to die…

I wish I could break free so badly
And you’d still think I was a butterfly
But instead I stay hidden beneath the false
You’re so narrow-minded, why?

What I’d give for one who really understands
Who’s brave enough to be what I cannot
Maybe that one will set me free
And I’ll live the dreams I always sought

But if that one doesn’t come soon
I fear my dreams will leave my head
I’ll pretend to be what you so hoped for
But wishing I were dead…



Singing
It's time to go
And now the water's running
Come here
I tell him to sing in the background

Shut my eyes
Close my mouth
Open my veins
Keep singing in the background

A shining blade
No tears on my cheek
Turned the feeling off
Don't stop singing in the background

Can't stay here forever
Only he understabds
Stay by my side
I need to hear you singing in the background

He makes me want to stay
No turning back now
Be the last thing I hear
Please, just sing in the background

Now everything's black
The water's turning red
I can't feel my lips
He stopped singing in the background

Sing for me forever



Eclipse My Sun
You know, I'd be happy
But you're in the way
No matter how good things are
That's with me every day

I want to break free
And feel full happiness in my life
I want to enjoy every breath I take
But you just want a stupid strife!

Why can't you accept me
For what I really am?
I'm a child you fucking idiot!
But you don't give a damn

For awhile I tried to impress you
I tried to make you proud
But I could always do a better job
My best isn't allowed

So I don't try anymore
And I won't let you chose for me
I'll defy you and all you stand for
Just to make you see:

I don't want to live because of you.



The Perfect Drug...
It's where everything starts
And everything ends
It's where someone's life
Take a bend

It sets the trends
It breaks the mold
It mixes the new
With some of the old

It makes someone
The someone they are
It makes an ordinary person
An extraordinary star

It can make you cry
It can make you smile
It can make you want to move
If only for awhile

It can take away your pain
With the raging power it contains
It can take you to another place
And nothing will ever be the same

It's the perfect drug
I've owed my life to it for years
The feeling of it running through me
Is music to my ears



What I'm Good For
Sitting here, down on the floor again
Knees hugged to my chest
Close to tears...again
No real reason. I've just done too much thinking
The voice in my ear that had become blurry
Breaks up my thoughts...
Shocked back to shitty reality.
Hello? Is anybody in there?
I didn't mean to drift from him...
I didn't mean to drift from anyone...
But here I am
Trapped on the other side of the wall
Sometimes I wonder if I SCREAM!!!
If I screamed loud enough
If I could make someone see:
I'm not playing around.
I've slipped away again
Thinking back to a time when I was happy
And, strangely, my eyes find his.
Those eyes...
Those eyes that brought me happiness
For the first time in my life.
Those eyes that I'm pushing out and away...
I guess hurting the people i love
Is what I do best.



Xr
For the first time I feel the hopelessness crawling back.
I'm terrified.
I've been so sheltered since you came into my life.
I don't know how to deal with this now...
But did I ever?
This isn't how it's supposed to be...
I HATE YOU!!!
But I know without you I'd be falling further.
I want my emotions to come from me.
Not you.
Now I'm under your command.
You have the controls.
Everyone likes me better when I'm with you.
"You're a new, better person!"
That's not me. That's you in my skin.
And now I pump your poison into me
To make me feel the way I should.
But I haven't died just yet...
I had enough 'me' left to scribble out this garbage, didn't I?



Burn
These days my eyes bleed fire
The same boiling substance
That courses through my veins,
That my flaming heart pumps
Maybe it’s my hate
That makes you stay away
Maybe it’s the passion
That drives me to live
Maybe it’s the intensity
My presence can have
Even now, after it all
My fire glows strong
It builds and burns
As it collects fuel
The people, the things
The places, the memories
I just set them down
And strike a match
Now I’m going to live
The life I deserve
No more depression
No more being pushed around
Now it’s personal
And you’re on the top of my list
I won’t be put out again!



Tears
Like two teardrops in the ocean
You and I, we make no differance
But you're a tear upon my cheek
You're my answer to delivrance

And when I see you weeping
I want to catch each salty drop
And wipe away the misery
And make the torment stop

As your soul drips from your eyes
I want to swallow every tear
To try and catch a glimpse
Of living now, and living here

But as you sob, you fly
So beautiful...like a dove
Leaving me to stay and weep
About my tortured love

Now I'm drowning, drowning
In your deep, dark, salty sea
You've cried yourself an ocean
So now we'll never be

Like a tear drop in the ocean
I, I do no good
But if I dried up, you would notice
In my heart I know you would



Silent Defeat

I flick the flame on
Needle’s black from heating
Press the first mark on the surface
Hear the skin pop and singe

Close my eyes and wince
Then my smile takes over

…again…

Push the needle down
Over and over
Spelling my name out
With each new burn

Failure
I knew it from the start
It’s part of me now
Reminding me who I am

My purpose,
To fail
To fail you
To fail me
To fail at everything
Failure after failure…

…failure after failure
Come pouring out
As I pinch my blisters
And watch them ooze

My new tattoo
Just the start of the gallery
As there are so many more
Failures to come

And if I get old
I hope my branding
Still shines
Shines to remind me

Reminds me that
I made it
Despite my silent defeat
I’ll still be burdened with this life

Just violated failures
Sometimes it goes on forever…

Anticipating the burn
Smiling at the smell
Of my charred skin
It’s so perfect…

I’ll suffer my silent defeat
Until the day I’m released…



Joke's on Me

Thought we could keep up the game
Could keep fooling everyone
But the floodgates released
And now our game is done

I’ve hurt more than I’ve pleased
If I’ve pleased at all
I’m afraid I might be falling,
He hasn’t stumbled at all…

So much that we have altered
There’d be a cost for all our fun
Our lives were almost ended
So many tears were run

It’s so hard to feel hate and love
In each repeated pulse
Even more so when you can’t tell
If the feeling’s false

I’m not ready to fall again
My previous wounds still show
None of this has even crossed his mind
So I don’t want to let him know

Can we, will we ever try
Would it still have to be a secret?
I wouldn’t be able to hide again
I wouldn’t be able to keep it

We started the game, we made the joke
Broke more hearts than made happy
Thought it would blow over
But the last laugh was on me…



You Cut Me

Why does it hurt so much
When you find out someone’s a jerk?
Why can’t you just stop caring?
Detach yourself?
Believe they’re what they are?
Why can’t I stop thinking about you?
Why can’t I stop wondering?
How could I let myself be hurt again?
I let you do things to me…
Things most people would be sickened by.
I let you see sides of me
Perpetually hidden.
I let you touch parts of me
In ways I never thought I’d feel.
I let you know things…
I let you know me.
Even though you turned your back
In my first instant of need.
Even though I have everything
You’ve ever needed…
You don’t want me.
You say you love me like you mean it…
Don’t fucking play with me like that.
You seem to think I’ll be there
Whenever your cock should rise to the occasion.
But you chose another for emotion
When really…that’s the only thing I don’t have
And the only thing I can guarantee I’ll always give.
I’m not your fucking property.
Stop acting like I am.
I gave up too many things
For something so poor in value.
Don’t expect to see my face again.



Anyone for Seconds?

No! Take them back!
Those words are mine!
They belong to me.
I’m the only one who could hear them.
I don’t give a fuck about you anymore
But those words belong to me.
And just because we’re not together anymore
Doesn’t mean you can give them to her!
I was the fucking first!
There’s only one first.
So that makes you a liar.
Taking those words away from me
Killed me more than any knife could.
So did you never feel love?
Were you not satisfied?
Did the sound of my voice
Not brighten your day?
Did our ‘everlasting friendship’
Die along the way?
No.
It never began, you cock.
You’re fucking sicker than me.
What comes after her?
Another first?
Which first was I?
I know the truth
She’s leaving you.
You killed me.
And I hope she kills you too.



My Epitome

I just want to touch you
To see your face
Run my fingers along your skin
To hear you laugh
And see you smile
See your mouth move
When you talk
Watch you gesture
With your hands
As you make me laugh
To see your chest
Rise and fall
As you take breath
After breath
Filling your lungs
With the sweet air
While we just…
Be
Watch you blink
To refresh your eyes
Study your lashes
Fall in love all over again
As your brilliant brown
Flashes back into view
A split-second
That lasted a millennium
You run your tongue
Over your lips
And in my mind
I can see those lips
Sealed on mine
I could touch them forever
You’ll save me from the dragons
And I’ll wash away
Your insecurities
There’s so much more
More to everything
That we could have
You’re so beautiful
Every pore in your skin
Every hair on your head
Each breath you take
Every time you blink
And every move you make
I could watch you
And be happy
Out time was cut short
But we’ll have our chance
I need to see you
I’m beginning to forget
The perfection you possess
The way you can capture me
And just hold me there
Wishing I could comb
You over with my fingers
Knowing you inside out
Delving into your mind
Knowing everything
There is
Was
And ever will be
You’re the only one
And I think I’m falling
…in love



Untitled

Went away
Couldn’t stay
People go
Even if you know
Even if they tell you
That they love you
Things change
Are rearranged
Hearts broken
Harsh words spoken
Promises made
Debts left unpaid
Going crazy
Because we were all too lazy
Couldn’t see it coming
Couldn’t hear fate humming
Packed my things
As my ears ring
Memories dashed
Hopes trashed
Lives put on hold
Our possessions sold

It was over
Before it began

Slow to a crawl
Slowly I fall
Will to be alive
All but died
Sweet goodbyes
Only make you cry
As I walked away
Didn’t dare look at your face
Didn’t take a chance
On one last glance
Because if I took one
I’d want a million more to come
Couldn’t bare the thought
It can’t be, it’s not
This is going too fast
It can’t be the last
Time I’ll see your face
See your sad gaze

Went away
Couldn’t stay
You all go
And I don’t know
Yes, you’ve told me
That you loved me
But things have changed
We’re so deranged…


I need to update this...


All Poems © Stacey Masson




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