August 28,2002
hey . whadyup? nm here. i just got home from school and now i am getting ready to go take my little sister for a physical so she can try out for volleyball.
whoop dee doo
Well that's all i have to say for now so byyeeeee
hey im back ... i am really bored and people have been calling me to hang out only to no avail! i can't do it! earlier heather called me and wanted to hang, then tab called, then ryan, and of course emma and now kacey just called me!!!!!!!! gahhh it really sucks not being able to just get in my jeep and leave!!!!!!!
oh well .... maybe things will get back to normal soon? i just want to get the court stuff over with!!!!!
okees enough of quizzes... now look at this site!
http://www.spacefem.com/death/
its fucking hilarious!
but i gotta go for now! so i will talk to you laters!
hey it's like 1:13 am and im really tired , but i got to get some major studying done tonight AND i got to see friends! YES! I got to see brennan and sean , and then me and brennan went over to stacey's to see him and we ended up staying for a bit while stcaey and his step dad cooked steak ( heh ) and then brennan and stacey's step dad ended up drinking a bottle of wine and " bonding " haha....
anywho... i feel bad because we were supposed to go see Tab but we didn't ... i hope he isn't angry with me =( i have never done that to anyone before.. ( not showed up ) i will have to see him tomorrow and apologize to him! but anyways... i am tired now so i will go to sleep now! g'night!
August 29,2002
hey what's up? not alot is going on here. went to school, then after school i went job application filling out.... fun ( yeah right i need a job tho ) and then i picked up my little sister from volleyball try outs and then i got to see my heather!!!!!!! yay and then i brought my litttle sister with me and we went to see stacey , he was in need of ciggs and i needed to see him anyway to visit ..... yay =)
but anywho... not much else to write.. im just waiting for mom to get home so i can go pick up tab from work... he needs a ride at 8 . i am gunna go for now byeeeeee
August 30,2002
hey whadya up? not alot here. last night was fun i got to study alot and hang out with people. tab and emma and sean for a little bit , then scottie as well. it was all good. right now i'm not doing much... just sitting at home after school today . i hope ryan is okay , becasue he got in alot of trouble yesterday.... he will know hopefully for sure by today . i hope he's okay ( crosses fingers ) ..
well for now thats really all i have got to say . so i will let you go for now! talk to you laters!
September 02,2002
hey yo! what's up? not alot here, this weekend has been mad fun! =) heh heh
i spent pretty much the whole weekend with denine , she is so fucking cool and she is very sweet! I hope we get to bond more and become closer. I need closer friends! =)
it also had it's fucked up parts too , but hopefully that will be okay .... =/
right now it is 6:55 am and i am not tired , but yet im not bored........ go figure.
well, not much else to say for right now so i will let you go......byeee
September 03,2002
well hey what's going on ? not alot.. i ended up spending yesterday with charles and brennan and then charles and denine! and then john from the club! he is sooo sweet! =) he is going to be a super cool addition to all my friends! =)
the mess that happened this weekend still isn't cleared up yet .... blah on it all.... i will have to wait and see what happens tomorrow! ( or rather today ) it is 5:58 am..... but anywho.... i will let you go for now so talk to you laters!
September 04,2002
hey! tonight was really cool.... i hung out with charles and cole and todd and ... jeremy =)
he is soooo adorable... he is 21 and he goes to LSU and i REALLY REALLY like him =) he got my number and so i hope he calls me.. he told me that he liked me too, so i hope he does.
but anywho... i have to go get SOME sort of sleep now... so i will write more later on!
peace =)
September 08,2002
hey whad up? not alot ... scratch that previous journal entry .... jeremy is out and Kole is in! heh im not boy crazy but jeez! ( haha look at that word! )
Last night I went out with Charles to Signals and I got to see Kole =)
i also got some new plugs yesterday and i gauged up again! I am at a 4 gauge!
I am soo tired and worn out , I danced ALOT last night ;)
It was soooooo much fun i could actually dance last night =)
i am hoping to see Kole again today ... the only downfall is that he has a girlfriehd, but from what Charles says he is wanting to break up with her soon.... so i hope he does! ( i know thats mean , but hell... if he allready wants to break up with her, then there must be something wrong with her anywho... )
well i gotsta go for now , tired of writing !! byeeeee
hey back... tonight was okees... i went and saw roberta for a bit , then i went to charles house to visit and we went and picked up angel and tab and went and played some pool... not a bad night just relaxing..
i really hope charles talks to Kole soon about me.... i want to know if i am wasting my time and emotions on this person! i didnt get a chance to be alone with charles that much tonigt to talk to him about the situation....
and i keep asking him about it in a teasing way and i think im pissing him off... ( well i KNOW i am not pissing him off, but still i need to seriously ask him about it tomorroew when i see him. )
i hope something happens between us bc i really like kole, i only got to really talk just the two of us once on friday night , but i really like him, he seems like a really sweet guy ..
well cross your fingers for me , wish me luck...
but for now.... goodnight!
one last note :
sweetness7703: like.. i love him completely.. and he wants nothing to do with me pretyt much.. but i still give him sex bc i need it too ya know
sweetness7703: and i started coming down during
sweetness7703: and it was bad
sweetness7703: and he just looked at me in disgust
sweetness7703: and proceeded to keep fucking me
sweetness7703: and i wanted to shoot myself
sweetness7703: ive never felt so dirty
XhappihardcoreX: i think you should find you someone who cares about you
XhappihardcoreX: i dont want you to hurt
XhappihardcoreX: =(
sweetness7703: well im used to it
sweetness7703: ive never been in a good relationship
sweetness7703: and i prob never will be
HOW FUCKING SAD.......
Hey , it's 4:32 am and i can't sleep... oh well what's new?i just want the day to come and evertything to be over with!that's all i want......
i really really like that Kole guy , and i want to get to spend more time with him somehow.... maybe i can go over to charles house tomorrow and convince him to invite Kole over .....damn im so bored with everything..... i need something to do .....
i am obsessing.... i really like kole... okees that's enough journal or i will keep on writting about Kole...
September 10,2002
hey yo
what's up? not alot is going on here... i have decided to seriously forget about Kole( for the time being ) untill he breaks up with his girlfriend ( if he does at all ) ... i find myself hoping he breaks up with her! hahaha ( can we say obsession??? ) i wish that i was driving to school today ..... i really do .... its hard to find a damn ride to get my jeep after school gets out.... russel can never bring me becasue of other things and it's damn annoying . i feel very fucking sick and i have been sleeping since i got home from school yesterday and now its 3 am ..... blah i feel like shit...... well i am gunna go for now i am sick and tired and cold and etc.... byeeeeee
September 11,2002
well...nothing eventful happened today and here we are left standing here still... ( thankfully )
i am sitting here at home wishing that i wouldnt have slept all day long! after i got home today i fell promptly asleep and now its 6 pm and i am alone..... charles called and needed to tell me something important , but he is not home now =( i wish i could get in contact with him... i hope he is not angry with me... i doubt he is.... but im depressed for some reason right now.....gahh where is he??!! i keep trying his house but no one is there!!!!!!!
update:he just called me.... and he was mad , but not anymore.... i am going over later ... well bye bye for now!
Hey , what's up? it's like 1:30 am and i am so bored... i hung out with charles tonight ..... that's it , i didn't have the gas to go visit denine! i wish i would have though..... charles tells me that kole is staying the weekend.... ( hmmmm ) i am gunna try my best to stay away from there.... and not seem like i am obsessing.... but it's gunna be hard... i mean it's really obvious that i like him..... blah....... oh well ... on another note auditions are on the 13th at 6 pm... i really hope i get a part in the haunted house! that would kick ass! school is going well... i need to go ahead and get chemistry started ... i can not slack off this year ! =( well i had enough of journal tonight and i am bored.... i am gunna let you go for now... bye bye !
September 13,2002
hey tonight was ... stupid.. i swear im never falling for anyone else.... i always get hurt..... im so fucking dumb... remmeber previous journal entry when i claimed i forgot about Kole??? well yeah right.... he hungout with us tonight and i got my hopes up really big time... and supposedly according to kole, charles other friend has a thing for me instead... fuck that... what's wrong with me??? * sigh *
it's all hopeless for me... and i am planning on going to signals tonight... but i really still like kole and he is going to be there.... i wish for once that someone that I LIKED would like me......
im going to have to put my gaird back up.... no letting myself fall for this guy shit anymore.... i cant deal with it...
im at denine's right now... i dropped my jeep back at home and we are going to school soon... it's 5:30 am and i really am glad that i have denine... i really love her alot... i am glad i met her... she is SO one of my girl's... i would do anything for her... and she was here for me tonight when i cried over fucking Kole like a dumbass....
FUCK GUYS.............
that's all i have to say....
September 14,2002
hey ! what's up? last night was cool.... i hung out with charles and angel... we rented some movies and hung.... and we were supposed to go to signals, but signals was a bust and they closed early , so we didnt get to go... which was all well , because i had been sick all day anyway.... and i got sick again and threw up everywhere... and angel got sick and threw up too! it sucked really badly....
charles got both me and her a single red rose ( how sweet ) and he made me stars and chicken noodle soup to make me feel better. how saweet!
anywho... it's like 4 am and i cant sleep... i really need to but i can't......
i also tried to get in touch with ryan and denine and john this morning after i started feeling better , bc i wanted someone to hang out with , but i couldnt get in touch with them =(
well that's all i have to say for right now, i will write more later!!! byeeee byeee!!!!!!
September 15,2002
hey last night was the foam party =) it was cool (YAY!!!!) it was awesome , i hung out with charles and john and it was all cool...
on a horrible note though, the clutch in the jeep went out finally =( i am NOT happy!!!
bleh.... i am not even sure how i am going to get to school tomorrow! this sucks....
well bye bye for now!!!!!!!
September 17,2002
hey well... what's up? not alot here... i am talking to christina right now... and it's making me so very sad.... i miss her so much......
i'm very depressed now... great just what i need to make my day........
XhappihardcoreX: no can talk?
BubblesNAria: yes i can
BubblesNAria: =)
XhappihardcoreX: oh okees
XhappihardcoreX: wasn't sure
BubblesNAria: i can talk online just not on the phone
XhappihardcoreX: okees
BubblesNAria: i misses you lots!
BubblesNAria: i'm going to ask chris if he'll take me to see you this weekend when he gets here in a little while
XhappihardcoreX: i know!!!!
XhappihardcoreX: that would be soo awesome
XhappihardcoreX: i miss you sooo
XhappihardcoreX: i heard that landon and kacey broke up
BubblesNAria: that's been going on for a while really
XhappihardcoreX: yeah i figured
BubblesNAria wants to directly connect.
XhappihardcoreX declines request; no connection was made.
XhappihardcoreX: oopos
XhappihardcoreX: send ain
BubblesNAria wants to directly connect.
BubblesNAria is now directly connected.
XhappihardcoreX: i hope this is a pic of you
XhappihardcoreX: heh
BubblesNAria:
BubblesNAria: that is my english friend
BubblesNAria: is he not extremely hot
XhappihardcoreX: whats his name?
BubblesNAria: he actually wore a suit in that pic
BubblesNAria: lol
BubblesNAria: his name is craig
XhappihardcoreX: where did you meet him?
BubblesNAria: i was browsing the internet for kurt cobain pictures and i found a really nifty website that had everything about kurt on it
XhappihardcoreX: wee
XhappihardcoreX: hehe
BubblesNAria: i was curious about who made it so i read up on craig and i saw pictures of him and wrote in his guestbook to e-mail me
BubblesNAria: and he did
BubblesNAria: =)
XhappihardcoreX: ohhh cool
XhappihardcoreX: where does he live?
BubblesNAria: england
XhappihardcoreX: nifty =)
BubblesNAria: isn't he a hottie
XhappihardcoreX: yes he is
BubblesNAria: i find him to be quite yummy
XhappihardcoreX: lately i have been trying if possible to avoid guys
XhappihardcoreX: i get my hopes up too much
BubblesNAria: how come
XhappihardcoreX: i always get hurt
XhappihardcoreX: so i never give any of them a chance
BubblesNAria:
BubblesNAria: heh heh
BubblesNAria: i sowwy i know it takes so long to send pictures but craig is just such a hot momma
BubblesNAria: lol
BubblesNAria: and he has the best accent
BubblesNAria: we talk over the computer sometimes and it's awesome
BubblesNAria: he has his little english accent and it's oh so sexy
BubblesNAria: lol
BubblesNAria: brb
XhappihardcoreX: hehe
XhappihardcoreX: thats cute
XhappihardcoreX: he is pretty
BubblesNAria: pretty?
XhappihardcoreX: lol
XhappihardcoreX: you know what i mean
BubblesNAria: heh heh
BubblesNAria: you're silly
XhappihardcoreX: i know
XhappihardcoreX: just been not my normal self lately
BubblesNAria: i could tell when i talked to you last night
XhappihardcoreX: really?
BubblesNAria: will it bring you back to normal to see me?
XhappihardcoreX: it would help
XhappihardcoreX: im just really emotional alot lately
BubblesNAria: how come?
XhappihardcoreX: lonely
XhappihardcoreX: sometimes i just want to crawl up into a little ball and die
XhappihardcoreX: but anywho
XhappihardcoreX: what are you and chris doing tonight ?
BubblesNAria: he's just comin over to chill
XhappihardcoreX: oh okay
BubblesNAria: sowwy i called chris real fast
XhappihardcoreX: it's okay
BubblesNAria: he had to work in lake charles today and i wanted to know how far away from my house he was
XhappihardcoreX: how old is he?
BubblesNAria: cough
BubblesNAria: 24
BubblesNAria: cough
XhappihardcoreX: does your mom know?
BubblesNAria: yeah
BubblesNAria: she really likes him a lot
BubblesNAria: it's kinda weird
BubblesNAria: lol
BubblesNAria: and my mom is letting me smoke and shit too
XhappihardcoreX: and shit?
BubblesNAria: she's been unusually nice since i got in rehab
BubblesNAria: unfortunately i still can't see you
XhappihardcoreX: i know
XhappihardcoreX: i doubt she will ever want you to see me
BubblesNAria: but i hope chris will take me to see you
BubblesNAria: the only thing that would even make him want to say no is because he doesn't want my mom to lose trust in him
BubblesNAria: cause she lets me do anything with him and i don't want to mess that up
XhappihardcoreX: yeah
BubblesNAria: but i'm still gonna try to convince him cause i really really want to see you
XhappihardcoreX: yeah
XhappihardcoreX: your mom hates me
XhappihardcoreX: that is so sad
BubblesNAria: it isn't that she hates you honestly
BubblesNAria: it's that she thinks that you make bad decisions and that i'll get in a bad situation being around you
BubblesNAria: it's stupid
XhappihardcoreX: *sigh*
BubblesNAria: but at least she doesn't hate you
BubblesNAria: she just thinks you're so fried that you can't even think straight
BubblesNAria: it's really dumb
BubblesNAria: have you been doing any hard drugs?
BubblesNAria: or any drugs at all frequently
XhappihardcoreX: *blow to self *
XhappihardcoreX: no i havent
BubblesNAria: good i am proud
XhappihardcoreX: wow that makes me feel great
XhappihardcoreX: woo hoo
BubblesNAria: i'm sorry sweetheart
BubblesNAria: i love you and i really miss you!
BubblesNAria: i will convince chris
BubblesNAria: btw...i'm in love for the second time in my life
XhappihardcoreX: eally?
BubblesNAria: yeah
BubblesNAria: it's scary huh
XhappihardcoreX: hris?
BubblesNAria: yep
XhappihardcoreX: es
XhappihardcoreX: im nt falling in love
XhappihardcoreX: i wont let it happen to me
BubblesNAria: markelle you can't block love out
XhappihardcoreX: im not even giving guys the chance
XhappihardcoreX: yes i can
BubblesNAria: well you can but you shouldn't
XhappihardcoreX: im too hurt right now for more bullshit
BubblesNAria: getting hurt sucks ass i know but those experiences are part of your life
XhappihardcoreX: and love is bullshit
XhappihardcoreX: ive had too many of those experiences
BubblesNAria: i don't like seeing you like this
BubblesNAria: you're sounding like me and i'm sounding like you
BubblesNAria: you shouldn't block out love
BubblesNAria: you could miss out on something that is worthwhile
XhappihardcoreX: im just too depressed right now for any of that
BubblesNAria: i've been hurt too markelle...but i keep going...i have my spells where i get depressed and hate the world but then i remember that i only have on life to live....one chance to have fun...and i don't want to waste that being depressed
XhappihardcoreX: ...
BubblesNAria: and i don't want to see you depressed either
BubblesNAria: cause it makes me sad to see you like tha
BubblesNAria: t
BubblesNAria: and i want you to be happy
XhappihardcoreX: i want to be happy , i guess..... it won't just happen for me
XhappihardcoreX: i try so much
XhappihardcoreX: but i can't exactly pretend to be happy
BubblesNAria: just let it go...stop worrying about things
BubblesNAria: just take life as it is
BubblesNAria: it's supposed to suck sometimes
BubblesNAria: it's what makes us who we are
BubblesNAria: we may not like it
XhappihardcoreX: thats the stupid thing .... i am not even really worried about anything specifiacally ......
XhappihardcoreX: im just depressed
XhappihardcoreX: and it wont go away
BubblesNAria: i think you should go to a psychiatrist and get some medication
BubblesNAria: you need it bad
BubblesNAria: remember how i was before i started on that stuff?
BubblesNAria: i was just like you are now
XhappihardcoreX: yeah
BubblesNAria: how is your mom being
XhappihardcoreX: i dont know
BubblesNAria: would she take you to a psychiatrist
XhappihardcoreX: *shrug*
XhappihardcoreX: court is next week
XhappihardcoreX: hopefully they wont lock me up
BubblesNAria: you should have them summon me and kacy as a witness
BubblesNAria: as witnesses*
BubblesNAria: and kacy's mom too cause she knew you were at kacy's house with us
XhappihardcoreX: i think that's what i am doing
XhappihardcoreX: i have to meet with my lawyer
XhappihardcoreX: before the scheduled day
BubblesNAria: what about west
XhappihardcoreX: what about it ?
XhappihardcoreX: *confused*
BubblesNAria: they would have a record of us being there wouldn't they?
XhappihardcoreX: oh yeah ..
BubblesNAria: so we have an alibi for those days
XhappihardcoreX: umm
XhappihardcoreX: i dont know
XhappihardcoreX: i need to check
XhappihardcoreX: i need a job
BubblesNAria: me too
BubblesNAria: i still want a job at petsmart
XhappihardcoreX: i just want one period
XhappihardcoreX: i dont even care where
BubblesNAria: well same here but i would prefer one at petsmart
XhappihardcoreX: yeah
XhappihardcoreX: i auditioned for a job at the haunted house
XhappihardcoreX: at LSU
XhappihardcoreX: but i wont know if i get the job till thursday
BubblesNAria: hey that would be fun
BubblesNAria: how much would you get paid
XhappihardcoreX: $8 an hour
XhappihardcoreX: no taxes
XhappihardcoreX: cash
BubblesNAria: how often would you work and for how long
XhappihardcoreX: umm everyday
BubblesNAria: every day from open to close?
XhappihardcoreX: from 3-12
BubblesNAria: alright
XhappihardcoreX: i think anyway
BubblesNAria: that would be nifty
BubblesNAria: i hope you get it
XhappihardcoreX: yeah it would
XhappihardcoreX: me too
XhappihardcoreX: i need something to distract me
BubblesNAria: when is the first day of the haunted house
XhappihardcoreX: ummm
XhappihardcoreX: cant remember when it officially opens
XhappihardcoreX: i will have to check with them again
BubblesNAria: i can't wait until the renaissance festival this year
BubblesNAria: i want to dress up for it
XhappihardcoreX: that will be cool
XhappihardcoreX: i just want to finish highschool
XhappihardcoreX: im sick of it
BubblesNAria: me too
BubblesNAria: i'm glad i'm at dutchtown now tho
XhappihardcoreX: do you like it ?
BubblesNAria: hey have you talked to heather lately
BubblesNAria: she never calls me and never calls me back when i call her
XhappihardcoreX: i talk to heather everyday
XhappihardcoreX: hmm
BubblesNAria: i really miss her
XhappihardcoreX: we have grown close
BubblesNAria: and it kinda hurts that she doesn't call me anymore
BubblesNAria: i used to be close with her
BubblesNAria: sigh
XhappihardcoreX: =(
XhappihardcoreX: i can still never find anyone that quite replaces YOU though, i was never really trying ... but i have needed you so much inthe past few months its been killing me
BubbesNAria: hey i know this is really bad timing but i really have to go
XhappihardcoreX: yeah i know
XhappihardcoreX: it's okay
XhappihardcoreX: i will see you sometime in the future , when things aren't the way they are
BubblesNAria: i love you
BubblesNAria: i hope so
XhappihardcoreX: i love you
BubblesNAria: mwah
BubblesNAria: miss you lots
XhappihardcoreX: muah
BubblesNAria: bye bye
XhappihardcoreX: me too
XhappihardcoreX: bye bye
BubblesNAria direct connection is closed.
BubblesNAria signed off at 7:36:05 PM.
September 19,2002
hey what's up? It's 12:19 am , and i just had a pleasant surprise! Kole called me and woke me up!OMG I had to collect myself and not get too hyper! hehe i really still like him alot and it's driving me CRAZY! THAT was cool, he was bored and he called me he said.... i'm acting like a little kid... hehe but i don't care much , i'm so excited.
well that was all i got up to write about ! hehe kole calling me.... i will write more laters! bye bye!!!!
September 20,2002
hey update.... i didn't get the haunted house thing... how depressing.... oh well , you gotta know when to move on... i'm not gunna let this depress me too much...
we are supposedly getting a car today... i really hope we are... we need one so badly....
everything needs to get to normal, i'm seriously starting to stress out wayyy too much...
i hope heather is able to come out tonight with me...
i miss her alot, when she was grounded for that month it drove me crazy! it's like 7:16 am and i am about to go straighten my hair....it's gotten pretty long now and i haven't been taking care of it like i should lately so i am gunna go fix it.... i PRAY that we get a car today....
i had the weirdest dream last night... or rather this morning.... that mandi stole like $1,000 from my mother ! it was soo weird.. and do you know what she bought with it ?? make up! haha sounds typical! make up hehe
anywho.... i can't wait to see Kole tonight, even if nothing happens between us , i can still wish can't i ? maybe something will happen..... or MAYBE im just obsessed! hehe
well im gunna go for now... talk to you laters! byeeeeee
September 21,2002
hey well... friday night was good... yet not alot of questions and things are answered.... i think maybe i could have possible finally found myself....
i have the answers to so many questions and i must change what is in need of changing....
hey tonight was... dissapointing..... everything seems so bleak , and i'm tired of alot...
one thing constantly on my mind as of late, is my weight... i really want to finish loosing this weight.. i know that it doesn't just happen overnight though.... so my goal is to have lost 60 pounds by december 01,2002 .... i know it will be hard and stuff, but i am gunna do it .....
another thing , i am gunna stop going to the club for a few weekends.... as of late being there doesn't make me as happy as i put off...... it's actually quite depressing really.....
ANOTHER thing.... i want someone to love me......
this song is how i am feeling right now
Starfish with its arms out in a daze / staring at the stars / through an ocean haze / was I the one you wished upon? / burned out like a lightbulb / when you turned me on / and it's so nice / sleeping here all alone / with my ashtray and / white courtesy telephone / now I'm making out the shapes / like the shower rod - can it take my weight? / I will tell you I am fine / I got some news, friend, feels like I'm dying / turtle on its back in the desert sea / and you look like a cool drink / just slightly out of reach / draw myself into the shell / waiting on a sign from god / or a nod from hell / and it's so nice / sitting very still / without those old shoes / I could never fill / no we're turning on the lights / it's the first day of my second life
by the way, i got my nod from hell....
September 23,2002 ( the day hell froze over )
well hey it's like 5:30 in the morning and court is at 9:30 am.... i am so scared , nervous etc..
i need to go soon to find SOMETHING for me to wear , bc i have not a clue as to what im gunna wear, becasue i have no really nice clothes.....
it doesn't pay to be gutter punk all the time...
anywho, i am in the process of getting kole out of my system and maybe someone else would decide to actually love me??? i'm really pathetically lonely right now... i think that next week , im gunna get one of my tats. the star on my hand.... i know it's gunna hurt like fuck , but oh well......
well iv'e had enough computer for this morining ... if i'm not locked up later i will tell you how court went.... ( god that's a scary thought.... )
September 25,2002
hey it's like 5:39 am and I am waiting for everyone to hurry up so i can bring everyone to where they need to go to...
well court yesterday was.... STUPID... nothing got accomplished and wouldn't you know avari DID in fact get bonded out of jail... and of course , he didn't show up for court today!!!!!! grrrrrr
so it is pushed back untill december 2nd..... goody, i'm so NOT happy...
another dissapointing thing about last night, christina called me and she was supposed to come and see me, but she never came.... or called to tell me she wasn't.... =(
and yesterday, we got a dog.... a doberman! i really don't know what to think of it......it's 6 wks old.. but the fact is that we didn't need a dog in the first place......
other random things that happened yesterday, i talked to andy and apparantely katie is back in town with his daughter carmen... yay
im happy for him
another weird thing though... andy now lives right across the street from denine! how weird and she met him and so now he knows her.... aghh how weird... it's not bad just weird... haha
i get to actually go to school today , so hopefully it's not too hard....
well that's all i feel like writting for today... i will write more later... bye byeeeeee
September 25,2002
hey you know what? im bored... and we are having a " hurricane " woooo hoo im so scared...
im bored , im bored.... charles wants to get married.... hmmmmmm
Today i learned what love is. love is pain. love is looking around and realizing that youre alone and thats how it was, it is, and always will be, til the day you die. love is being disappointed. sad. dishonest. love is wanting, but not getting. sleeping but not dreaming. crying with no tears. love is disgust. disgrace. love is foul. cruel. love is feeling ugly. feeling useless. used. love is fake. love is give with no take. a heart with a stake. love is aching. hurt. bleeding. love is a scar. a sore. a wound. love is abandonment. lying. waiting. love is red eyes and a dry wordless mouth. deafening silence. love is being fucked. fucked up. love is drinking to escape, and escaping to drink. putting a face up to the world, but not facing yourself. love is fear. malice. vicious. vindictive. love is a prayer with no answer. a cancer. love is a hollow voice. blank eyes. a mouth of lies. love is dysfunction. disease. love is being mindless. thoughtless. heartless. love is cold. mean. obscene. love is destruction. malfunction. love is devotion with no emotion. senseless. touchless. blind. unkind. love is superficial. coincidental. detrimental. love is no color. no taste. waste. love is malignant. indignant. love is sharp. bruised. bled dry. love is a misunderstanding. demanding. codependent. love is addiciton. misdirection. a correction. love is invasive. never mending. and never ending.
i just talked with sean, apparnetly Mandi drank herself to oblivion and back and fell and hit her head.... and she also fell into some ants.. ouch ! i am gunna go visit her in the hospital tomorrow... hopefully she will be okay...... =(
i have been thinking about alot as of late....
im going to go into a shell for awhile, no more of the markelle everyone knows..... i'm going to work on myself and have a time of rediscovery...
it's time.....
september 26,2002
Oh Vivica I wish you well I watch you burn in humid hell No sleeping pills no old tattoos will save you now He'll never change he's just too vague he'll never say you're beautiful Oh Vivica I wish you well I really do, I really do The apple falls far from the tree she's rotten and so beautiful I'd like to keep her here with me and tell her that she's beautiful She takes the pills to fall asleep and dreams that she's invisible Tormented dreams she stays awake recalls when she was capable... Oh Vivica I wish you well I watch you sit I watch you dwell No crooked spine no torn up rag will save you now He'll never change he's not that brave He'll never say you're beautiful Oh Vivica I wish you well I really do, I really do The apple falls far from the tree she's rotten and so beautiful I'd like to keep her here with me and tell her that she's beautiful She takes the pills to fall asleep and dreams that she's invisible Tormented dreams she stays awake recalls when she was capable... Oh Vivica I wish you well I'll sit right here I'll never tell no tender scar no twist of fate will save you now He'll never change he's just not there He'll never say you're beautiful Oh Vivica I wish you will I really do, I really do The apple falls far from the tree she's rotten and so beautiful I'd like to keep her here with me and tell her that she's beautiful She takes the pills to fall asleep and dreams that she's invisible Tormented dreams she stays awake recalls when she was capable... She's empty and so beautiful I'll keep her here with me
oh god.. im so depressed......
die die die
it's drowning dolly day
September 28,2002
well hey
i went out last night with heather =)
she got her hers gauged!!! it looks sooo cute! they are 8's!!! she took SUCH a huge stretch! i'm so proud of her ! that had to HURT LIKE HELL!!!!!!!!!
we went to gravity and what not .. the night over all was.... dumb, becasue heather ended up having to go home early =(
oh well... but for now i gotta go do stuff!
bleh... i tried calling charles, but he isn't home... he is with angel... and they are in love.... ( haunting organ music plays in background )
i wish someone loved me.......
i want someone to hold me and be there for me and tell me im beautiful and that they love me, i want someone to care about me and have an intrest in everything i do , whether it be stupid or not , i want someone that will take the time to do the little things in life for me .........
why do i all of a sudden care so much? i used to be able to atleast pretend like i didn't care... it didn't used to matter... it didnt use to hurt like this.....
what's up with that ? what's wrong with me? that i have let myself get caught up in this cycle, this game all over again ... why didn't i remember how much it hurt?
why do i have to be such a compassionate person?
why???
September 29,2002
hey what's up? not alot here.. i am dl music... music really does consume my soul.... i love music.... i am listening to AK1200 - drowning... that is the best song . i would love to get out of this house today , but i have a feeling i am not ....i have school tomorrow, or maybe i do... who knows.... i am not sure if im gunna have to reschedule being suspended (yeah i know that sounds stupid but its true... ) i want this school year to be over with ..... but then i dont know what i am going to do ..... i want to go to college.....i want to follow my dreams, but im so scared.... man this sucks ive been so depressed these past few weeks.... im growing up and im so scared....... i want everything to be okay.....
that song brings back so many memories....
but this settles it , whether she wants me to or not... i AM going to get a job! i need money , im tired of being a slave to her and having to ask for money...... and then getting told, oh you dont need a job , i'll pay you to stay home with rachel... yeah right ... becasue then she " adds " other things to that job description and if i dont do them as well i " don't get paid ".... that is such bullshit and i hate it....
so tomorrow, i'm going EVERYWHERE and im going to get a job....
one last comment for now....
music CONSUMES me
September 30,2002
well.... not anything really is going on here... it is like 3:30 pm and i am feeling very confused inside.... everything hurts still, don't get me wrong... but now i'm confused to top it all off...... everything is changing for some reason and it is making me uncertain...
it all goes back to one thing.... i wish someone loved me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it seems like everyone is like in love with all my friends, and what not ... but me??? uhhh i must be the most un desirable thing... i need to do something about this...... i mean instead of bitching about it constantly and not getting anywhere, i need to see what is up with that ....
fuck im depressed and it sucks!!!!!!!!!
and last night seeing all my friends hanging out all together and me i havent been there to hang out with them.... it seemed like they were all bonding and i wasn't there to share in the memories.. and it made me so sad.......
maybe i need new friends? maybe i need a change... maybe there is alot of things i need...
i need a life where i dont have to listen to my mom telling me that im " sleeping around " ( when im not ) and putting me down , i need a life of not this much stress.... i need someone to care about me... becasue im starting not to care about myself anymore..... im starting to wish that i was not even here, because sometimes i feel, it's not even worth living ......
so many needs...... none of them fufilled....
maybe im pathetic.... but i don't know what to do ....
everyone else around me is so happy it seems.... why can't i join in ?
why am i sitting here crying in a journal online that im sad? why doesn't anyone understand me? why am i soo " weird"??
iv'e boiled it all down to one thing..... i really do hate myself... i hate who i am , and i hate what i can't be.....
the road is forever winding......and i do not know where to turn next......
October 03,2002
hey well yesterday was eventful... eventful but stupid... when i got to school we were all standing out in the parking lot becasue of a bomb threat... then through out the day we had two more....god god... how stupid... im sure it was a student.. then a girl at my school had a seizure and the ambulance had to come....... geez..... then later on last night my sister and her little friend ended up "missing " and the police were called and everything..... FUCK! what a stupid day... then of course our own little hurricane is making it's way on over... we welcome you hurricane lili ( not really..... but yeah .... )
right now it's 5:22 am and i'm really bored and i wish i had someone to talk to ....i'm lonely and all by myself... mom is working over night tonight so she is still at work... and then she doesnt even come home today untill 9 pm .... ummmm yeah..... what am i going to do stuck here at home all day??? probably lay around and sit on the computer and rot...... atleast i remembered to get my joes out of the car before she left earlier and went to work ... ohhhh yeah baby ;) pure smoking pleasure!!!!! haha just kidding =)
bleh well there is really nothing much else exciting to say right now.. i will update you when the hurricane actually hits.....
ta ta for now!
hey ... i talked to andy =) he is so silly... heh i am hopefully going over to see him tomorrow..... i hope i get to go...
October 04,2002
hey hey ... what's up? im feeling better as of right now... yay i am so tired of being sad.... hopefully tonight will be a good night. i think that i have to take my little sister to a movie.... im not too sure.... but i want to get to spend the night with heather..... i hope i get to ... she has to ask her parents still... so i gotta wait
i really dont know why , but i'm starting to like andy again.... and i doubt anything could ever happen again between us.. which makes me sad .... he actually made me really happy for a time while we were dating.... i'll just have to wait and see....
bye for now
October 07,2002
well hey. it's been a few days since i have written in here but i guess i'll update you on the weekend and what i've been up to.
Friday night was HORRIBLE... i was so depressed and so sad it's not even funny. But i was with charles and angel and we went to chris' apt. then back to his house and not much else.
end of story... bad night
saturday night i went out with heather =) yay! ( heh ) and weeee!!!! ( lol im silly ) i had missed her so much i really love her to death. =)
and yesterday... hmm yesterday was intresting... i went over to charles house and member that guy jeremy i was talking about awhile back? well he was there... and omg hes so hot. aghhh and yay!!!!!!!! ( hehehe ) coolness... well he said he wanted to go home early becasue he had stuff to do... but he really just wanted to spend time with me alone without charles =)cool!!! heh... we went to the park and played tic tac toe on the little playground thing ( hard to explain youd have to see it ) and he made a bet that two out of three he would get to make out with me. hahaha and i had to make a bet and i bet that i would get to drive his really really cool truck. well i lost ( no i did NOT do it on purpose hehehe ) so wow i got to kiss him nifty =) and you know what? hes such a nice guy , he let me drive his truck anyway =) hehehe
after we hung out some more he had to go... but then he ended up calling me back and wanting to come hang more and bring me something... but he got lost in my neighboorhood for two hours... ughhh i felt so bad... he didn't actually find his way out of my neighboorhood untill 12:20 am.... EWWWW
well... i gotta go for now... it's time to go pay my lawyer and cell bill... oh goody.....
hey im back.... and im..... bored.... and everything seems.... weird today.....i hope im not falling into my state of depression again..... but i feel very strange........ like i was happy earlier but now... now im just all well... weirded out or something....
and im realizing stuff more and more..... i would really like a boyfriend sometime soon..... i think that it would be really nice. i'm lonely..... and it sucks......
i really don't want to go to school tomorrow... but i have got to get my act together and stay on top of things...i really need to finish this school year....
blah blah blah......i think im depressed again....... and i really dont want to be here.... i am so bored and lonely..... *sigh* here we go again.....
you know what? i don't like andy like i thought... or atleast right now i don't think i do... man ... guys really suck really badly....... they confuse me, they don't like me....and the ones that do are taken..... and i want to scream.....now that i am intrested again, i just can't stop and turn my emotions off again... and pretend like i don't care..... of course i care.. and caring sucks....becasue then i can't shut it out.... the feelings don't go away..... and mine are not very stable right now.........
im so pathetic..... im sitting here wishing that someone would call me.... im wishing that i wasn't feeling so alone.....i just can't make this feeling go away ...... this journal entry is just a rant of how pathetically stupid i feel and how i wish that everything was different....i know i sound lame... but im so sad......i feel like ..... well i feel like im never going to find it.....love...... will someone ever love me? im feeling doubtful and sad and i honestly wish that i could just go to sleep... but i have to pick my mom up at work for 10pm... that sucks..
bleh i hate everything and im pathetic ( i can't say that enough )
October 10,2002
well...err...hey looking back..yeahhhh.... dude! i was depressed! im feeling okees today though... not so bad today... the weekend is upon us and hopefully i will get to see my heather and everything will be peachy =) i would also love to see jeremy again... woo hoo he is hot =) hehe im so retarded.... i think im going to make a screen name snow bunny =) i think that's cute! hehe
charles got a tatoo today... tribal flames down the sides of his arms... they are okees... i want a tatoo badly... it will have to wait though...i think that saturday morning i need to go job hunting... very badly... i will get up and get dressed and go looking.. i have to keep my priorities straight and i need a fucking job to help pay the stupid lawyer! =( i wonder how much exactly i owe him? hmmm the math makes me sick so i wont do it.... money sucks badly.... ughhh...well hey i gotta go for now... stuff to do is calling me and i gotta get it done... wish me luck in my pursuit of money!
ta ta for now!
october 11,2002
hey today has been boring...tonight didn't get any better... and i am here...stuck at home doing nothing... end of story...
goodnight
october 13,2002
i am depressed. i feel like i should kill myself. i just want everything to be okay.... in my mind anyway. and it never seems to get there... and i just keep whining about it in this stupid online journal....so pathetic..... i want to leave this place badly...but i really can't afford to right now.i need to go back to school and graduate and do more for myself than what i have been doing. i am going to give up on guys ever wanting me.... im not desirable , im boring and im ugly =(
good god look at how pathetic i am
1.cut myself 2.cut cut 3.cutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcutcut
diediediediediedie - i wanna
it's 6:46 pm and im wondering where stacey and jeremy are.....
i think charles got mad at me because he cancelled all his plans to hang out with me and now i can't go over there......
death,bruises,heartache,pain......PAIN..........
that's the only feeling i know right now.... heartache
october 16,2002
well it's been a few days since i've updated... im feeling rather hollow right now... and it sucks. nothing seems to matter anymore.... i mean it does, but you know what i mean... i just feel no emotions what so ever....
and the shit stacey pulled this past weekend/week was pretty bad.. i love her so much, but still.... to do what she did =(
god, i can't even make myself understood of how listless i feel.... i don't feel anything... not sadness, anger,happyness...nothing...... im in a state of nothingness....
nothingness is so weird....
october 19,2002
well...i'm feeling pretty bad right now. it just never seems to work ... of course the guy i like would go for my friends instead of me. they look better than me, don't they? i think that's what everything is boiling down to right now. i don't have the perfect body so therefore , im not even worth talking to.sure i get , your face is gorgeous..blah blah blah... but my body isn't so im not worth anyone's time. i hate myself. and when i talked to heather today.... she didn't even sound like she wanted to talk to me... that made me so sad....
well im gunna go for now.... bye
october 20,2002
well hey... what's going on? not alot here.... this weekend has been..... uneventful kind of.... just the other stuff i can't really write in here.... it's like 8:45 pm and i have school tomorrow... which i am actually going to start going to.... i can NOT drop out this late in the game i would be so pathetic if i did...
but anywho... there isn't much else to say as of right now, so i will end this for tonight.....
bye
october 22,202
current feeling : hollow
that's all there is to it.
days 'til my court date =(
