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3-16-04

Ok Helena, you made the choice for us. Your message didn’t slam the door, but it didn’t open it either. Karl and I decided it is time for me to start walking, even though my path ahead is littered with broken glass and shattered dreams……and I’m barefoot. It’s not what I wanted, but you’ve decided this is what’s needed.

I actually DO understand and know what you’re going thru, but you’ve decided to go it alone. Uncertainty, doubt, worry bordering on panic, all those wrapped up in a bundle and pounding at the back of your mind moment by moment. Waking up in the dead of night panicked, I understand it quite well. I’ve lived it also, not just now but in times gone by too. It’s not fun, nor is it easy alone, but you won’t even open the door a little to let me reach thru to help or support you. I hope it all comes out ok for you……keep me posted if you would.

You said we needed a relationship counselor, so I made the appointments then you never showed. They’re all done now, I’m not going anymore. If you wish to see another, you’re going to have to make the appt and we can see what we can do to pay for it. It might have been a good idea………if you had followed through with it.

Have a good life if we don’t talk again. Give any of my property to Kathy the manager and have her call me to pick it up. My e-mail address is below……let me know how your biopsies go. I wish we could have worked on things, but you’ve evidently decided otherwise.

One other thing: If you’d like, you can give your counselors my phone number to ask me questions. I won’t ask any of them anything about you other than are you doing ok.

Good luck with your troubles and your life. As I said, you can contact me by phone or e-mail, but I may be busy doing other things now that I have noone in my life.

Goodbye Helena.

3-28-04

Work is going well and am learning again how to get out and socialize. It's not easy, but it beats sitting home alone. Being alone sucks, but I guess you never know how much you're attatched to someone till they're gone. Too bad that someone can't admit to their faults and is unwilling to discuss things through. Being afraid of facing their own faults is a life without intellectual honesty, and that I don't think I'll ever have a problem with. I guess some people like to lie to themselves like that so they can make it through the day.....too bad they'll never have any inner peace with themselves.

Maybe oneday soon that someone can come foreward and talk.......IF they have any honesty to them. I guess they're still convinced that they did no wrong, but little do they know that they did more wrong than they'd ever care to admit or face. They'd rather rationalize their actions by inventing a fiction without talking to the one whom they betrayed.

I know you better than you know yourself, that's why you won't face me. You know I will make you face yourself without any of the rationalizations......then you'll have to face the Truth. Your Truth.....the one you deny and manipulate so that others see what you wish, not the actuality.

4-20-04

forsakenlili: H.P.V. it once came up early in our relationship, but was a call directed towards your step-daughter from a friend of yours. I thought it odd he would channel it through you, but thats your mystery... You had told me you had been tested after being with Brenda and leaving her. That you were clean. Evidently not.
forsakenlili: this virus is linked as the cause of cancer in the female reporductive organs. I just had half my cervix removed, and will need exams every three months for the rest of my life. I now carry the H.P.V. virus. You need to know this for the safty of the women you choose to be with. Condoms are the only way to keep this from spreading.
forsakenlili: i dont plan to have more children... so the fact they will carving my insides out over time is just a painful inconvience. But for women who want children, it could be a nasty virus to pick up.
forsakenlili: dont go thinking that because you dont visually SEE this virus, that it isnt there and active. Most strains of it cause no visual symptoms.

Well.......I really hate to say this, but I DID get tested, not only after I left Brenda, but this last January also. I tested totally clean for everything. I even went as far as actually talking to Brenda too. She's had 3-4 PAP smears done since we separated and she hasn't had ANY problems there either. Evidently YOU had some encounter with someone who infected you with H.P.V., and I hope it was AFTER we separated. Time elapse to showing symptoms (if any) is 2-3 months, and I'm far past that. I called the office where I was examined and asked if they tested for H.P.V. and they said they do a gene test for it as a precaution, but I'm going to go in for another exam, just to be sure.

I guess you STILL deny taking blame for ANYTHING....this is a prime example of it Princess Helena. Too bad you still don't see the forest because the trees are in the way. It's a shame too, you were a good person, but evidently not as smart nor intelligent as I thought. Your indiscretion has led you to a bad road with an uncertain future, and for this I do feel very sorry for you. No doubt, you'll still lay blame on me for all your troubles, but your own actions have brought about this end. Evidently your actions have risen to finally bite you on the ass.......maybe the worst thing you ever did was to let me go, for I 'm certain that you got H.P.V. from someone SINCE we separated. Noone that I've been intimate with has had any symptoms of it other than you, so since 2-3 months is the incubation for it, it's a fairly logical conclusion that you were with someone who contaminated you. You'd better get ahold of this person and let them know what they're spreading before another person gets infected IF you even know who they are.

It's sad really. I do feel sorry for you and what you're going through. You were the woman who I had hoped to marry and possibly have a child with (IF we'd decided to) and whom I wanted to live with the rest of my life. I still feel for you, but after this trying to lay blame on me, that's the true end of anything between us. All deals, all promises, all everything is gone. I will expect full payment of EVERYTHING owed by you to me by June 1st, or all info goes to various agencies and persons that would be interested, including informing people of past indescretions and/or illegal activities. Also, those involved with your illegal activities will be turned in to the proper authorities so they may be prosecuted. Call it what you want, I don't give a rat's ass. You passed the buck one too many times, now the buck is going to either be taken by you voluntarily or thrust upon you. Get the money from mommy and daddy, lord knows if they can afford to buy a welfare-mommy a car, computer and what all else instead of letting her live on the money, they can pay off this $4500 debt.

I wash my hands of you and your pusillanimous attitude. The timer starts now....and there is no negotiation.