Confusion. Heartache. Sorrow. Regret. Loss. Tears.
My lifes been filled with those things these last couple of weeks. And I honestly don't know if I'll ever be the same again.
Jason was only 18. 18! It's unbelievable he's gone! He was my favorite cousin. And one of my best friends.
I honestly don't know how to deal with this...
Sorry I had to stop writing . I started crying again. That seems to happen a lot lately. Like, Just last night I found a letter Jason had sent me about 6 months ago. It was in his hand writing and everything. I was in tears the moment I saw it.
But then amongst all this loss I feel a sense of... peace. I miss Jason more then words can say. But it's myself I cry for. Not him. I have a strong feeling that he is in a better place.
I just miss him so much...
These last paragraphs have been pretty strange. And I guess I'm for once really writing in my diary. Instead of just reporting what I've been doing. I'm writing how I feel. And that helps.
But right now I doubt I can find comfort in paper. I need Mary-Kate. So I'm going to go and find her.
A heartbroken and confused,
Ashley
Dear Diary,
I saw David today. For the first time since all this happened. Needless to say he's been pretty worried about me. Everyone has. I didn't realize. It was like I was lost in some dark world and couldn't get out of it. But I'm back now.
Dear Diary,
Dear Diary,
As they all say ( Including Jason ) 'Life Goes On' I know that's what he'd want me to do.
Tomorrows Monday and I've decided I can handle school. So I guess I'd better go study now.
A determined,
Ashley
Well, school was horrific as usual. Everyone was really nice saying they were sorry about what happened and tho I appreciate it. By the 60th person it was getting old.
Right now I'm supposed to be doing homework but instead I'm stalling.
I keep thinking about this one memory.
Jason would have been about 12 and I would have been 9. It was a rainy boring day. Jason was giving me piggy backs around the house. My 'horsy'. And we played Monopoly and he let me win. It was a totally great day.
Frankie has been soo sweet and understanding when I was going through everything, but I can't understand what's up with him??? He is acting soo weird. And it's almost my birthday. I hope he doesn't dump me, I would be seriously crushed. This is my first "real relationship" with someone I really care about. He hasn't called me in days, and I miss hearing his voice. I better go boot Ash off the phone, he might be trying to call
Love MK
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