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These are my jokes dude!

Ok, I changed the joke page just a little cuz I didn't feel like changing the joke every week!

Jokes are funny! HA

Back to the bestest page ever!!!

A blonde goes into a casino and goes to a soda machine. She puts in a dollar and got a coke and 30 cents change.
She thought it was cool, so she went to the service desk and got 50 $1 dollar bills for a $50 bill. She went back to the machine and kept on doing this and finally she had all these sodas on the floor and all this change in her pocket.
The manager came over and said, "If you don't mind me asking, what are you doing?"
The blonde replied, "Winning!"

How do you get an old lady to say the F-word?
Have another old lady say "Bingo!"


In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone:
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialed it.
A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice. "Hello?" I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass"
The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 555-1212.
(Keep reading, it gets better.)
One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulled into her space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"
The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackass in this world.
I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)
Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the phone.
I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car is parked right out front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Don, you're a jackass!"
And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day.
However this wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution.First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up. The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No!"
He said, "What's your name, pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camarois parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!"
And I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2.
He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"
And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!

This is a nasty one from Jacob:
What is small, green, and smells like pork?........Kirmit the frog's finger

How does a blonde kill a fish?
She drowns it.

15 Ways to be Annoying

1) Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it will take until your free refills cost money.
2) If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3) Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and tell your neighbors that you're a ''spider person.''
4) When attending a movie you've already seen, yell out: ''Don't let him in! He's the killer!''
5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson how often you should walk it.
6) When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: ''I hope I fixed it this time.''
7) Beep when a large person backs up.
8) Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about the ''little men.''
9) Insist on making inanimate objects ''dance''
10) Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
11) Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it's full, then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19 seconds.
12) When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw desperately at the roof of the car.
13) Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room because of Henry, the toilet monster.
14) While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash noises.
15) Insist that life is ''one big musical,'' then try to prove your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.

The Test

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

How can you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

Top Ten things you will never hear said by a band director...

10) Okay Saxophones, play that even louder now!
9) Wow drummers, you got that right the first time!
8) Can we have the whole Soprano section sing the high note?
7) Your tuning is great today basses!
6) Let's just have fun today!
5) Its okay to talk during solos drummers!
4) Let's include a drum set on that!
3) You can get drunk before the concert basses, I'm going to!
2) That was real good horns!
1) I'm sorry, it's all my fault!

What's the best way to confuse a drummer?

Put a sheet of music in front of him.

How do you get a trumpet to play "ff"?

Tell him to play "mp".

Why did the lead alto player play so many wrong notes?

Because he kept ignoring the key signature-- he thought it was a suggestion.

Why do flute players place their cases on the dashboard?

So they can park in handicapped spaces.

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A drummer.

My band director is really religious. Every time I play, he closes his eyes, shakes his head and says, "Oh Lord."