Fall Apart Chapter Five:Distance
'I'm older than my years, Drowning in my tears, Surrounded by the fear, Since you went away.'
(Sugababes- New Year)
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Waking up on an unfamiliar couch, in an unfamiliar apartment was not something Shinya had made a habit of these past few years, but today proved to be an exception to his stringent rule- 'No connections, no mistakes'. A cold philosophy, but.....
The delicate drummer wearily pulled his head from the depths of a mascara stained pillow and observed his new surroundings through unfocused eyes.
"uh....?"
He looked down and found a tasteful cream duvet, tucked neatly around his diminutive frame, the creased remains of his burgundy silk blouse just visible above the edge of the covers, folded and hung over the sofa's leather upholstered arm. He shivered alittle, the chill of air conditioning finally reaching his naked shoulders.
The flat was immaculate, a paragon of interior designed co-ordination, with a scant sprinkling of personal touches that could only belong to one man. Shinya smiled faintly as he brushed several whispy strands of hair from his forehead, his dark eyes meandering across the lounge where he'd been laid to rest.
A large framed print engulfed most of the far wall, above a stylish gas fireplace, within it's glass confines was a blown up picture of Yoshiki, in his younger days, flanked by Heath, Pata and Toshi, his arm slung casually round a cherry headed man, who grinned sunnily from ear to ear. Shinya couldn't help, but stare at them in reverence, X Japan, inspiration touched by a loss that felt so close to home these days.
He wondered vaguely if X would have ever reformed, if Hide had not been snatched away from this world, like too many others recently.
"Mornin' Shinya." A voice rang out from the kitchen, instantly followed by Yoshiki, who balanced a tray on one arm and what looked like freshly pressed trousers in the other.
The younger drummer bowed his head courteously, pulling the duvet up to cover his chest as Yoshiki padded across the black carpet toward him. "Um, Yoshiki-san, why am I-"
"On my couch?" The blonde replied, with a grin, kneeling down beside Shinya and placing the tray and trousers on the floor. "Well, you just keeled over, after telling me about quitting the band."Yoshiki's tone was threaded with sympathy and he began to fuss over Shinya, placing a hand over his head, to check his temperature and slipping his fingers down to the side of Shinya's throat, with a satisfied grunt he sat back on his heels, still watching the younger man with concerned eyes.
"Arigato Yoshiki-san, I did not mean to be so much trouble. I'll go now." Shinya kicked back the covers and tried to sit up, but before he could move an inch, a pair of firm hands pushed him down, the contact of Yoshiki's palms against his bare chest, causing a flush of scarlet to rise to his cheeks.
"Hey, what are you rushing off for? We need to have a chat okay?" Yoshiki said tentatively. He was either oblivious to Shinya's reaction, or chose to ignore it completely. Shinya sighed under his breath, thankful for either possibility as he settled back against the cushions.
Yoshiki removed his hands and regarded Shinya, "Now tell me, why exactly do you want to leave?"
(Well he doesn't mince his words.....)
"It's....." The drummer lowered his head once more, a blush still staining his face, not only from embarrassment anymore though.
"Yes?" Yoshiki prompted, not an ounce of impatience in the simple word.
"It's Kaoru, he did some really stupid things and it broke Kyo's heart....that's why he had that accident....it..it's tearing us a-apart..and I won't stay to......to watch them r-ruin eachother's l-lives.." Shinya faltered, his soft voice breaking completely as he pulled his knees up to his chest, hugging them close and barely caring what his idol's opinion of him was now.
The sheets before him blurred, awash with all the fear and loneliness he'd felt since his return. The vacation had taught him just how isolated his life was and the events back home compounded everything, until it was a weight he could no longer bear.
"Oh Shinya-kun, you should have come to me earlier."
Shinya felt the side of the sofa sink slightly and a warmth pressed against him, Yoshiki's arms encircling his thin body.
"I'm sorry....y-yoshiki-san" He whimpered, and turned awkwardly on the couch, burying his face in the crumpled material of his mentor's shirt, his fingers reaching up to curl desperately round the plain fabric.
Yoshiki leant down, whispering comforts into his bruised ears, the same that had heard Kyo's screaming, and eventually gazed into red rimmed eyes that had seen the expression of horror on Kaoru's face as he fled, unable to stand another second of Kyo's agonised wails.
"It'll be alright, I'll sort them all out and you don't have to leave." Yoshiki murmured, the faint lingerings of a certain guitarist flitting at the corners of his mind and how they had shared so many moments such as this.
Shinya's sobs finally receded into the silence of the morning air and he looked up with wide, almost innocent eyes, "Thankyou....Yoshiki-san..." He whispered, reaching up to wipe his face shamefully.
Yoshiki smiled reassuringly at him, "You know, you're welcome to stay here for a while if you'd like to." He offered without even thinking.
Shinya's lips parted in surprise and he nodded, "If- if that's okay...I need some time to think." He admitted, glancing down again.
The bright expression returned to Yoshiki's face and he reluctantly detached himself from Shinya's tight embrace, bending to pick the tray up and place it on Shinya's lap.
"Well, I'll go prepare you a room, if you need anything, just call me ok?" He took a measure of delight as Shinya's lips curved up into a smile and he mumbled a quiet "Okay." Then, with one fleeting look back he strode to the utility room and started gathering the things for his unexpected guest's room.
Shinya's smile faded only a fraction as he studied the tray Yoshiki had laden with breakfast treats, this man sure knew how to eat. It was a continental feast of fresh fruit, a pot of natural yoghurt, cereals and a tall glass of fresh orange juice on expensive, stylised black plates, with silver kanji painted down one edge.
He took a calming breath and then plucked up a spoon between his slender fingers and began to eat.
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'You locked away your secrets, Kept them away from me, I only came to say goodbye, Now you finally see, You wanna start all over again, Make it work this time, But I don't wanna end up feeling far away from fine.'
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"I see, well when do you think he'll be coming back?"
A small pause, followed by a light, frustrated expulsion of air from Die's glossy lips.
"Oh...right....yes....thankyou again.....goodbye."
The receiver hit it's cradle with a sharp crack, jolting Toshiya out of his thoughts and straight back to the bed where he presently lay, draped lazily over Die's muscular body, an arm curled round his waist and legs tangled with his lover's underneath unwashed sheets. Die's head hit the pillows and he scowled up at the ceiling with barely controlled anger, but the uneasy expression never reached his eyes.
"...Koi? You found Shin-chan ne?" Toshi asked, averting his gaze and praying that today was not one of the rare occasions when he would be treated to Die's volatile temper. His face had held the painful reminders of the last time for too long after.
"Yeah, he's stayin at Yoshiki's place until this all blows over." The words were stained with annoyance and Toshiya reached up to caress his cheek, hoping the simple contact would quell his rage before it could be released on some unfortunate person.
On him.
"Atleast we know he's safe. Yoshiki will take good care of him." Toshi offered tentatively.
Die turned slightly to look at him, the hard cast of fury slipping from his face, as a tight smile replaced it and his arms wrapped possessively around Toshiya's hips, drawing him back into their shared warmth, bare skin pressed firmly together.
"You always know what to say Toto." The redhead mumbled, kissing Toshiya's pale flesh from his collarbone up to his lips, where the last remnants of his deep blue lipstick had clung stubbornly through the night.
"That's why you love me." He purred in reply, resisting the beckon cry of passion again. They had a duty to fulfil and it could not wait.
Die's kisses became more demanding, a strange sense of urgency to the path of his callused palms across Toshi's body, but after a few blissful seconds the other man pulled back, placing a slender finger against his chest.
"Don't you want me?" Die asked, his mouth falling into an unexpected pout.
Toshiya shook his head, a wave of jet bangs framing his equally dark eyes, "Of course I do.....but we have to look for Kaoru, Shinya said he left the hospital in a state."
Die nodded, feeling a twinge of guilt as he swept Toshiya up into his arms and stood awkwardly, hobbling towards the en suite.
"Okay, but once we've found him you're mine Toto!" He mock growled, causing Toshiya to dissolve into a fit of giggles that were music to his worried ears.
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(Back at Yoshiki's apartment- mid afternoon)
Shinya closed the bathroom door behind him and surveyed the large room, thinking to himself with an indulgent smile how luxurious it was in comparison to what they all shared in Dir En Grey's apartment. That was except for Die and Toshi, the eternal couple, who had a penchant for sex, sex in the shower, sex in the bath....on the kitchen table. Hardly a day went by without Shinya being witness to some carnal display, willingly or not and it didn't exactly assuage his recent fears.
He tried to blot thoughts such as those from his brain, ignoring the faint stirrings they had brought to both his body and mind and concentrated on the splendour of Yoshiki's bathroom.
It was an utterly modern affair, with the largest corner tub he had ever seen, it eclipsed even Camui Gackt's which from personal experience he knew could fit more than three people. There was a skylight above the bath, through which shafts of pure sunlight streamed, glancing off the chrome and marble fittings which added to the opulent atmosphere.
Shinya wandered closer to the sink, his eyes roaming over the rows of various beauty products, shower gels, bathfoams, soaps still in their packaging, waiting to be used on Yoshiki's toned-
Shinya slapped his forehead and went back to his exploration of Yoshiki's bathroom.
He picked up a bottle, reading the label in suprise, the soft down of a layer of dust coating his fingers as he turned it over in his palm.
"Pink dye number 66."
(It must have been Hide's.....)
Again he wondered if his little theory was correct, a tiny spark of curiosity flaring in his belly as he considered the possibility......after all there had been many rumours.
"Shinya?? You want some coffee??" The shout, accompanied by a loud knocking fouled his grip on the bottle and it fell to the floor with a crash. Before Shinya could lean down to pick it up, the unlocked door flew open and Yoshiki was staring back at him. The older man's eyes darted from Shinya, to the hair dye and back again.
"Oh-I'm-sorry-Yoshiki-san-I-didn't-mean-to-disturb-your-things-I-was-just-being-nosy-I'm-really-sorry!" Shinya babbled, putting the bottle back hastily.
Yoshiki gave him a sympathetic look, a laugh stifled behind his hand, "Don't be sorry, I'd do just the same." He replied jovially.
Shinya suddenly realised he was wearing only his underwear and a bright blush ran the length of his body, his hands snatching a towel off the rail, to cover what he considered to be a scrawny mess of a figure.
Yoshiki raised his eyebrow, but kept any questions to himself and walked back out to the kitchen, deciding to make Shinya coffee even if he didn't want it. They both needed a wake up call.
As soon as Yoshiki was out of sight Shin's face contorted into a grimace and he sniggered to himself, the absurdity of his situation striking him.
(In the bathroom of the man I've idolised since forever, wondering if he used to 'do' his bestfriend, and making a complete fool of myself.)
He sighed, collecting his composure, a lingering of laughter buried deep as he looked down and hoped Yoshiki hadn't noticed how hard he'd gotten just from thinking bout it.
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Kyo glared up at the cracks in the cement above him. The nurses and doctors had finally silenced his cries a couple of hours ago, but not without a struggle. He'd even bitten one particularly pushy male nurse, hard enough to draw blood.
Though his lips did not part with the screams of before, his heart still echoed them and in the stillness he could almost picture Kaoru, sat there trying to win back his affection.
He pondered for the first time if he had truly done the right thing, but then the memory of that foul night returned full force, a whimper escaping his throat, twisting pathetically up into the quiet room and he knew.
It was over.
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