Fall Apart Chapter Four: Broken Moment
'Nothing, And nothing's where you're at when you ain't got something. You'll never get it back. Gimme some love, Gimme some skin If we ain't got that then we ain't got much, And we ain't got nothing, Nothing' (A-Nothing)
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It was evening now and within Shinya's private sanctuary the bedside lamp cast a warm pool of amber light over the immaculately maintained room. Shopping bags leant against a faintly waxed pine dresser in a haphazard pile and Shinya wandered distractedly between the ajar wardrobe door and his unmade bed.
Somehow the clothes, ornate perfume bottles with their ludicrous pricetags and tissue lined shoeboxes filled with handcrafted leather boots and delicate sandals spread out over the sheets didn't seem a fraction as important as they had before his return. Back into the willing embrace of a tragedy in the making. To lonely nights and broken hearts that despite all his patience even he doubted could be healed.
His fingers traced a line of soft ruffles that adorned the collar of his favourite purchase, a silk blouse of the deepest burgundy, with tiny mother of pearl buttons that glimmered in the artificial light. Slipping off his plain navy top, he carefully plucked the blouse from it's haute couture carrierbag and slid his arms into the sleeves, admiring the way the material hung from his thin limbs, the feel of utter bliss against bare flesh that served as a distraction from the world beyond this room.
He could hear muted noises, drifting through the wall that joined to Die and Toshiya's bedroom. Stifled cries that told of their comfort to eachother. Shinya hugged himself for a moment, closing his eyes tiredly.
The stillness was unbearable and the selfish trinkets strewn around him were no substitute for what Die and Toshi shared.
With a tiny sigh, Shinya strode to the door and across the spacious flat, snatching up his keys before he had a chance to regret this impulsive decision. The door slammed shut with a dull thud behind him.
In their own sanctuary, Die and Toshiya barely looked up, too consumed by their passions to care.
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Sunlight prickled uncomfortably against the back of Kaoru's head, warming the skin beneath his crumpled shirt. It felt like a miniature eternity had gone by in the sterile tomb of Kyo's allotted space and the words would just not come from either of them.
".....Kyo..."
He barely felt his lips move, much less the hollow sound that issued from them.
Kyo raised his head, their eyes connecting for a fleeting second, before the spell was broken and Kyo's gaze returned steadfastly to his lap, wire-coated hands knotted tightly together.
A harsh clatter splinted the silence they had woven and Kaoru's chair fell back against the wall, as he closed the distance between them, forcing himself back into Kyo's little line of defences.
He knelt hesitantly at the bedside, leaning over the clinically clean sheets to stare intently at Kyo. The petite singer's face was obscured by a heavy fringe of mussed blonde hair, unbrushed and hardly a contrast to the pallid caste of his skin.
Kaoru let his hand creep across the rough fabric toward Kyo's hands, lingering just above them before the fingertips lightly brushed his smooth skin.
"Onegai Kyo, Sumimasen, I never meant to hurt you." He murmured, a note of desperation entering his voice.
Kyo's hands trembled beneath his and after what seemed like forever his head finally raised and a pair of red rimmed eyes gazed back into Kao's own.
Kyo's lips moved, but no sound came from them, no words of despair, of love, not a single tear was left to shed.
Kaoru pulled himself weakly up onto the bed, his arms encircling Kyo, but still there was nothing.
The loudest person he had ever met was speechless.
"I'm sorry....I'm so sorry." He repeated, resting his head on Kyo's shoulder, a wave of relief sweeping over him as Kyo's hands rose over his back and his fingers curled tightly around the material of his top.
Everything was going to be alright.
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"Get out....."
Kaoru blinked rapidly, as the plain vista of the opposite wall came slowly back into focus and he returned to earth with a crash. For a few muddled seconds the whole journey, since he awoke, smeared with his own vomit and choking on cigarette fumes was all a distant dream, but the illusion was brittle and he realised that the here and now was real. Painfully so.
He glanced round, his eyes finding Kyo's the depth of loathing reflected in them making him wince.
"Kyo-chan?"
The blonde's lip curled into a snarl and Kaoru could have been sure he heard, just faintly, a growl rise in his throat. The sheets were twisted beneath Kyo's deathlike grip, but what cut to the bone, was his words.
"You heard me, get out. I don't want to see you." He replied, nothing but blunt hatred drowning each syllable.
".....Kyo? I-i came to say sorr-"
His plea was cut off by a scream, not the guttural, passionate ones that pervaded Kyo's performances with Dir En Grey, filling the fans and band members alike with something past emotion. This was a cry for mercy, a vicious tearing of sound that plunged a sliver of pain deep into Kaoru's fractured heart.
"I SAID GET OUT NOW!!" Kyo yelled, his face contorting with rage, as the tears they'd both thought were long dry split down his sallow cheeks.
The door was flung open and a flood of doctors, nurses and orderlies swamped the room, Kaoru struggled against the tide, but it pushed him further and further from his love, as a cocoon of anxious medical staff wreathed the thrashing blonde. Their voices loaded with sympathy and syringes full of calming drugs.
Kaoru felt himself deposited outside the room, his eyes widening in horror as it slammed shut in his face, obliterating the chaos inside.
Everything was ruined.
They had gone to hell.
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The night air licked right through Shinya's thin clothing, sending shivers coursing down his spine and reducing his hands to useless, quivering lumps that could barely keep a purchase on his keys, let alone a pair of drumsticks.
A slender arc of a moon hung in the pitch black sky, it's frigid rays highlighting the contours of the buildings that surrounded Shinya for miles around. As he hurried through the deserted streets toward an only vaguely remembered address Shin-chan hoped he was doing the right thing.
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"Dya..."
*kiss*
"think...."
*kiss*
"that...Kaoru..."
*kiss*
"is okay...?"
Die drew back, parting his lips from Toshiya's for a torturous moment to consider this question, the lust in his eyes overtaken by thoughtfulness.
"He's going to be fine Totchi, I'll check on him again tomorrow morning okay?" The redhead answered quickly, unable to resist the perfection beneath him, he leant down to kiss Toshiya hungrily once more.
A pair of deceptively strong hands closed around his shoulders and pushed him away.
"I hope so...." Toshiya mumbled, his gaze sliding to the ceiling and a tightness developed at the corners of his painted mouth.
Die hooked an arm around his koi and carefully pulled him up, the heat radiating between their bodies almost as fierce as the depth of the bond they shared.
"Shh....Totchi......don't worry about him, or Kyo. It'll all be fine in the end." The whispered reassurance of Die's tone against his ear lulled Toshiya into a sense of security he had not known since Kaoru began to fade away from them all.
Before he was beyond their aid.
Toshi laid his head against Die's shoulder, and wound a stray strand of scarlet hair around his fingers, lightly pressing his lips to the moist skin at the base of his neck.
"Arigato." He whispered, a slow smile reaching his lips before Die tilted his chin up to look longingly into the bassist's eyes and kissed it away.
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*Bzzzzzz*
*BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ BZZZZZ*
"Ugh....what the fu-?!"
Shinya resisted the urge to laugh, as he stood in the apartment corridor, waiting patiently for the door of room 344 to open. A series of dulled thuds, mixed with long strings of profanities and a few soft rustles of clothing being pulled on, alerted Shinya that the person he had journeyed through the darkness to see was actually at his home for once.
The solid metallic shift of locks reached his frozen ears and the door swung inwards, a square of shadow within only broken by the sleepy looking man leaning against the frame, his trousers half-buttoned and open shirt hanging off tanned shoulders in a wrinkled mess.
"Shinya?" The man squinted incredulously back at him and shook his head clearing the post-slumber fog from his brain.
"I-i'm sorry to call so late..." The young drummer muttered embarrasedly as his taller friend stepped out into the hallway to regard him with more than a little confusion.
"Hey, always a pleasure to see one of my boys." Yoshiki replied with a smile, still wondering what his protege was doing here in the middle of the night, not even wearing a decent coat against the chilling winter air.
Shinya stared at the floor, his face partly obscured by the sharp diagonal of his honey coloured fringe, but even that could not disguise the blush rising to his cheeks.
"I just needed to speak with.....with you Yoshiki-san...." He said quietly, each word sprinkled with more sadness than the last.
Yoshiki's brow creased and he took another step closer to the fragile young man, placing a hand on his shoulder.
"What's wrong Shin? You have a fight with the others or something?" He tried tentatively.
Shinya shook his head, and glanced up to catch Yoshiki's eyes for just a fragment of a second, the shine of tears plain in their pale hues.
"I want to leave the band."
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