Fall Apart Chapter Three: Haunted And Lost.
'Come here, Pretty please, Can you tell me where I am? You, won't you say something? I need to get my bearings, I'm lost and the shadows keep on changing, I'm haunted, By the lives that I have loved and actions I have hated.'
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They say hospitals stink of death, a rancid odour of sterility and antiseptic that hangs in the air even when the building is finally bulldozed into oblivion. Maybe that's right, but nothing so trivial reached the minds of the four remaining members of Dir En Grey as they waited.
Plain beige walls had suddenly become the most interesting thing in Kaoru's little world and despite all of Toshiya's faint pesterings nothing had broken his shield of silence since they'd arrived. The guitarist was folded into a tight origami on a threadbare chair and not once did his eyes stray a hair from the wall opposite. There had been no time to even straighten him up before they all piled into Die's car and found their way here. His hair still hung limply over unseeing hazel orbs, ringed with the vague leftovers of what was once make-up and last night's clothes were creased into streaked pleats of dark material.
Shinya paced the cramped room, wearing a groove into the floor with his anxiety. The journey here had been torture, but waiting, the seemingly endless hours since they had arrived, only to be discarded in this forgotten place was infinitely worse. He reached the wall for the hundredth time and slipped a pair of trembling fingers through the door's crooked blind to stare wantonly out to the equally barren corridor beyond.
The sounds of trolleys being wheeled down shining halls, their faulty wheels screeching like harpies and moans that each one hoped to God weren't coming from their beloved friend. Even children crying in the distance cut deeply at their hearts, nothing to do with any of them, but the suffering reflected in those sobs could only be their own, held down and tied back.
"Die...." Toshi murmured, his arms tightening around his lover's neck as he shifted on the sofa they both occupied. The guitarist raised his head slowly, dragged back from the verge of sleep by Toshiya's soft voice.
"Hai Totchi?" He uttered weakly.
Toshiya took a deep breath, that served to still the quake of fear in his guts and spoke in a low tone,
"When?....When are they gonna tell us that Kyo's alright? I can't bear to stay here not knowing."
Die raised his almost numb hand, cupping Toshi's pale cheek, his thumb stroked along his jawline comfortingly.
"Don't worry Koi, we'll be able to see him soon and then he'll get better and we can go home. Sort out all this mess." The sentences were simple, but they had the desired effect. Toshiya smiled wearily back at him and laid his head against the exposed skin of Die's shoulder, hugging his body closer.
Without warning or a word Kaoru stood and pushed past Shinya, the door rattling shut in his wake as he retreated down the corridor.
Every eye focused on it, watching the blind swinging from side to side, it made the stark shafts of light from outside slice across their suprised faces. And in the painful quiet Toshiya began to cry.
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'Don't cry, there's always a way, Here in November in this house of leaves we'll pray, Please I know it's not right, To see a perfect forest through so many splintered trees, You and me and these shadows keep on changing, And I'm haunted by the lives that I have loved and the actions I have hated, And I'm haunted by the promises I've made and the others I have broken.'
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The toilets were empty, a little refuge where only dripping taps and ivory basins could reside. Strip lighting flooded the pristine room, and the floor was slick with fresh water, a harsh smell of cleaning fluid, with it's synthetic flora seeped from the tiles.
Kaoru swallowed roughly, a thick bile rising once more in his throat as he tried to still the restless swirl of sickness in his near empty stomach. He gripped the sides of the bowl with shaking fingers, digging ragged nails into the glazed white and finding no relief as another wave of nausea swept him away and he retched violently, vomiting again.
His mind worked rustily, detaching him swiftly from what was happening and depositing his thoughts right back onto Kyo's doorstep, a vision of the singer playing back like so many broken records he'd binned in the past.
His blonde hair, as vibrant as sunshine and twice as soft as a fledgling's down, eyes that twinkled with mirth and that smile, so rare it could illuminate a whole room. Quirky fashion sense and an ass that never looked out of place in those black leather trousers.
Precious and ruined, all because of him.
Kaoru bit back a groan, his head bowing and the acrid scent of his sick catching in his nostrils to make him flush the toilet quickly. The light flecks of water that spun up to dot his face cooled nothing and only the nausea receded, reduced to an empty ache.
Behind him the stall door was pushed tentatively open and he heard a small gasp.
"Kaoru?!"
Shinya.
He didn't bother to look up, the tiny rivulets of moisture that trickled down his cheeks and brow slowly sapping the heat from his body.
"Oh Kaoru...."
Shinya let his legs buckle with sheer exhaustion beneath him and dropped to the frigid floor with a soft jingle of metal links from the chains attached to his deep purple cords.
"....I-I'm okay...." Kao replied, shifting himself awkwardly in the small space to face the other man. He wiped his mouth with the back of a crumpled sleeve, still tasting the bitter lingerings on his tongue. Shinya's eyes gazed back at him, locking tight and not letting go of his own, so shone with fear that it pierced a thin scratch across his conscience.
"No you're not, gods......you're falling apart and there's nothing we can do to stop it." Shin whispered, his fingers tightening on the gauzy material of his long shirt, a dull quiver bleeding to his lower lip.
Kaoru glanced away, an unbearable weight of shame pushing down on him like a boulder, and not for the first time that evening he wished it would just crush him and have done with his pathetic life.
"Michi ni mayoi mashita..." Kao muttered, unable to say anything more as the tears for Kyo and for his failure were spilt once more, shared by Shinya's own frustrated sobbing.
They twined together, holding each other and staring with unfocused eyes into the distance. One was thrown back into the worst circumstances of his few years and the other to his disgust had caused them, but neither truly knew why.
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'I'll always want you, I'll always need you, I'll always love you, And I will always miss you, Come here, no I won't say please, One more look at the ghost before I'm gonna make it leave, Come here, I've got the pieces for you, Time to gather up the splinters, Build a casket for my tears, I'm haunted, By the hallways in this tiny room, The echo there of me and you, The voices that I carry in the still.'
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The door was unmarked save a tiny card slipped into the metal holder, it read:
Room 666
If this hadn't been such a taut time Toshiya would almost have laughed, that was the best irony he'd seen in a long time.
(Kept in the devil's embrace once more.....aren't you Kyo.....for such an angel it's only cruel......)
Die watched his Koibito, faintly disturbed by the expression on his lovely face, that was now stretched with fatigue, a mirror for his own. Neither of them wanted to be first, the first to have their heart broken by what lay within, be it bad or good, the feelings still permeated every second.
Resentment, Hatred, Love, Desperation.
And worst of all hope, or the loss of it's warm light.
Die took a sharp, resolute breath and turned the doorknob, pushing the frame back he stepped inside silently.
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'You think I'll cry? I won't cry, My heart will break before I cry, I will go mad.'
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Sunlight spread in ribbons across the room , sliding over the bedside cabinets that would soon be laden with flowers and cards from worried fans, past the sapphire coloured lino, up cold metal edges and onto the surface of the bed, where Kyo lay.
Die's lips parted in weak shock, the machines, tubes and rhythmic bleeps of his imaginings were all absent and in their place Kyo was stretched out, his skin barely a contrast to the pale sheets covering his body.
A padded bandage obscured one side of his face, including the left eye and the other was open, staring listlessly up to the ceiling, until Die's entrance, when it snapped down, studying him for a moment, before a dry voice said.
".....Die?"
Die nearly collapsed with relief, his feet hardly touching the floor as he rushed to Kyo's side, kneeling down by the bed.
"Kyo-kun! Thank goodness." Toshiya bounded over and took the other side of Kyo's bed, clasping his hand around Kyo's, a wide smile on his ruby stained mouth.
Kyo returned a ghost of his smile, "Totchi....Kaoru is he alright?" Kyo demanded quietly, gazing up at the bassist intently.
Toshiya squeezed his fingers reassuringly, "He's with Shinya, don't worry."
(Tell that to yourself.....) Toshi thought with a tiny wince.
Die raised his hand hesitantly, and ran the palm over Kyo's tangled locks, his eyes alight with a tenderness that warmed Toshi's heart.
"We're taking care of him, just concentrate on getting well okay?" He said calmly, meeting Kyo's bloodshot gaze.
Kyo nodded stiffly and gave them both another pained smile.
"Room for two more?" Shinya said brightly as he guided Kaoru into the room, an arm curled supportively round his waist.
Kaoru's eyes darted back and forth over the walls, looking anywhere but at Kyo, his cheeks flaming with a guilt ridden blush.
Shinya helped him over to Kyo's bedside and pulled up a chair, setting him down gently. The effeminate drummer leant over Kyo and pressed his lips to the pale unbandaged skin above his eye, a light kiss that was followed by discreet gestures for Die and Toshiya to follow him.
"We'll be back soon ok?" Die called back to Kyo and Kaoru, as he pulled the door to.
They were alone and silence reigned once more.
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Japanese words:
Koi- love
Koibito- lover
Michi ni mayoi mashita- I'm lost
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