Aishiteru Chapter Five: For My Dears
Pairings: Gackt x Masa x Gackt, You x Gackt, Gackt x Kami, O_o *way too many LOL*
Contains: Flashbacks, nightmares etc.
**************************************************************************************
~ "I’m leaving."
"What?"
"I said I’m leaving the band."
Hazel eyes burned back into his own, already sparkling with an open horror, Kami’s reaction laid out like the heart he wore on his sleeve.
"You’re jokin’.....right?"
Gackt spun on his heel, the action that was meant to cover all the guilt in those words betrayed by the sigh expelled from his lips.
"......why?" Kami leant forward the cracked, plastic garden chair he was perched on creaking. His hands were outstretched now, begging to understand this sudden announcement.
"Is it me? Did I do something?" He bored a hole into his lover’s back, compelling Gackt to turn, if only to see the hurt, the confusion reflected from his gaze.
But Gackt did not turn, he paced to the edge of the balcony, and leant against the frigid, white painted railing, his eyes cast down over the city below. That same sea of light and noise that had been their stage so many months ago.
The sky was dark now, a furious haze of mauve and scarlet, wreathed with swollen storm clouds. Far away the soft shimmers of falling rain were alighting the hillsides around the suburbs. Gackt found himself wishing that the rain had fallen here, a gift sent to spoil this unwanted opportunity. Then maybe he could have held his tongue and stayed on another day with Malice Mizer. With Kami by his side.
But it was not to be.
"I’m leaving because I believe my time with Malice Mizer is over and I want to concentrate on my solo career." He rolled of the words effortlessly, it was a polished speech he’d rehearsed and perfected in the bathroom mirror for many nights, stretching back into the last few months. And today, he’d finally had the guts to be honest, he had to go.....
"Is that what you’re going to tell the papers? The magazines?!" Kami was on his feet now, a restless anger trapped inside rising to the surface. To his stance, beautiful face a picture of betrayal.
"You’re so clinical! You’d think these years had never happened!"
(........stop....onegai.....don’t make this any harder.....)
Gackt angled his face, still gazing listlessly over the oblivious world beneath them.
"Onegai......I didn’t want it to be like this."
Kami ripped a path toward him, heels clicking sharply against the rough, stone floor, "And how is it supposed to be?.....Is there someone else..or didn’t I even factor in your decision?" He spat vehemently, caught up in the kind of shock that masquerades itself as disgust.
"Kami-chan......there’s no one else..how could there be?" He replied, glancing up from under long eyelashes threaded with moisture. The light flutter of nausea rippled through his belly as he found Kami’s eyes devoid of anything except contempt.
"Liar! There’s always someone else. Fans, Mana, Yuki, Kozi-kun...I’ll always be second best."
And with a final look, so drowned in doubt, pain and worst of all rejection, Kami walked from the balcony and out of his life.
The sounds of the others, a faint murmur from within the warm confines of the house were fragmented and through all his own tears Gackt could hear Kami explaining what had happened and then retreating himself, to cry alone, as Gackt would for a long time to come.
**************************************************************************************
~ The horizon seemed to stretch forever, a featureless, barren land of his own making and he knew it.
Masa wandered, ignoring the scrape of sand and grit against the tender soles of his bare feet. Nothing mattered now, except finding him, returning to Gaku.
"Gaku?.....Gackt? Hello?!" He cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled, glancing round rapidly in every direction, but still finding only emptiness greeted him.
It was strange, lost in this void, where the sky met the ground with no boundaries and not even the gentlest breeze blew, but Masa was not scared, because he knew eventually he would be found....
"GAKU?!"
"I’m here."
He jumped slightly, spinning round clumsily to the source of the voice.
"Gaku!"
Gackt smiled, the curve of his lips sensual, but modest, he understood exactly what Masa craved. A gloved hand reached up, running leather clad fingers through his long, chestnut hair, flicking the neat ponytail behind his naked shoulders.
"......you’ve been looking for me?" He asked, stepping closer, inspecting Masa worriedly, those same gloved hands now reached out for the younger man. Masa nodded, standing patiently as Gackt traced his body, finally sighing with relief.
"....forever..."
"You shouldn’t have bothered."
A figure materialised from nowhere, a familiar face that was invading his precious moment. Masa shuffled backward, not understanding why, but knowing that this person scared him, deep down, it was not the pale cast of his skin, or the lifeless eyes that cut through him....
The nameless man slipped his arms round the slender line of Gackt’s hips, and rested his head against Gackt’s shoulder, his sleek ebony hair hanging like the tendrils of an exotic vine down over tanned skin. And never, not once did his gaze leave Masa.
"He doesn’t want you........"
Masa frowned, an overwhelming sense of fear washing over him, like the summer showers he could feel himself drowning in this stranger’s eyes.
And then there was another, a taller boy, holding a violin, his face marred only by the superior look it held. He sat at Gackt’s feet, curling a hand round his leg possessively.
"Leave us be..."
Masa watched in horror as more appeared, melting from the shadows, that had not been there a moment ago. He knew them all, each one that came and gave his claim to Gackt.
Ren. Chachamaru. Toshi. Mana.
Each one with a greater worth for Gackt’s affections than he could ever hope for. The barren world was dripping away before his eyes, replaced by the stage of the Mars tour. Thousands of fans chanting for him to go. They all understood. They all knew.
He loved someone he should not.
And now he understood it too.
**************************************************************************************
"Ahh!"
Masa jerked up suddenly, his eyes snapping open as he fell forward, leaning against his sweat slick thighs. His breath rushed out in ragged gasps and for a few torturous moments he was convinced he might be about to throw up.
(Calm....not real....it wasn’t real.....just a drea- nightmare.......)
When his breathing slowed and the light waft of midnight air reached his torrid limbs, cooling them to a bearable warmth, he swung his legs over the side of the bed and stumbled in the darkness to a chest of drawers opposite. After a few minutes of blind fumbling a familiar fabric brushed against his fingertips.
(......found them......)
He pulled the old pyjamas on awkwardly, not caring what anyone would think or say tomorrow. These were his comfort, his security when there was nothing else.
And in the moonlight, that shone through thin slits in the blinds he walked out of his room into the lounge.
The view was entrancing, even cloaked in jet, it drew him and Masa sat shakily down, to rest his head against the glass of the patio-doors.
(........just a nightmare, but why am I still afraid?......)
**************************************************************************************
~ *ring ring*
Gackt hopped across his cluttered bedroom, desperately trying to pull on a tight pair of black leather trousers before the phone died on him again. He’d already missed it the first time, while he was in the shower and it could be someone important.
(yeah right....it’s probably just the record company....again)
He sniffed with derision and finally got a handle on the offending clothes, buttoning the fly quickly, before diving for the receiver.
"Komban wa, Gackuto speaking."
Silence.
Not quite........he could hear voices....and a strange metallic clang....
"Hello?" He repeated with slight annoyance in his voice.
"G-gaku...."
It was Mana, the feminine guitarist’s voice was unmistakable even after all these months.
"Mana-chan! This is a suprise. How are you?" He asked enthusiastically. Despite his lack of contact with any of the members of Malice Mizer recently, he still liked them all.
(It’s just time....finding the time and....)
A little cough echoed down the tinny line and Mana spoke again,
"I’m fine, but I have s-some..."
Gackt’s brow creased in confusion as Mana trailed off, his words dissolving into a sob, the silence filled with the harsh sound of his crying.
The phone was passed and Kozi’s stronger tone filtered through,
"Gakuto...I’m sorry to have to tell you like this, but Kami..."
"What? What’s wrong?!" Gackt’s hand tightened on the receiver, and a sharp stab of fear ripped through him.
Kozi sighed softly, his statement backed by Mana’s strangled sobs and Yuki’s quiet words of comfort in the hazy background.
"Kami passed away an hour ago."
".........."
(.....no......)
"Gaku?"
"......how?" He asked bluntly.
Kozi closed his eyes, his mind picturing Gackt at the other end of the line and wishing that someone, anyone could be with him to ease the suffering he sensed in that single word.
"A brain haemorrhage, it was very quick."
The line went dead and Kozi was left at the hospital, crying Gackt’s name down the severed link and wondering how it had all gone so wrong.
**************************************************************************************
Gackt let the receiver fall onto the cradle without hearing it.
He staggered to the bathroom without looking.
And he knelt over the toilet bowl without thinking.
To vomit without feeling the pain.
And when he was empty, a searing ache the only sensation left in his body he leant back against the cold lino and stared sightlessly at the ceiling.
"Kami......gomen....aishiteru...."
He blinked, the grate of skin over his reddened eyeballs making them water even more. His tears were falling unnoticed to the floor. The months catching up in one rush. He should never have abandoned his love, all for the sake of a few more yen.
The bathroom cabinet was ajar and within it he saw salvation. Gackt struggled to his feet, leaning heavily on the wash basin he reached out, his fingers closing on the instrument of his desire.
He sank to his knees again and unsheathed the razorblade, watching it gleam in the halogens from above, the metal was icy against his touch and he pulled back the sleeve of his dark shirt, gazing down at the creamy flesh of his wrist.
(......I’ll always be second best.......)
He’d seen so many television shows, where the lovestricken heroines tore themselves open like this, it almost brought a laugh bubbling to the surface. Almost. But this was real and the skin torn away would be his own.
"........Ima Les Mizerables..."
That did make him smile, to be so poetic at a time like this had never seemed so wrong. And as he drew back the blade, it’s cool embrace slicing into his skin he wondered if anyone would even notice he was gone.
Not that it mattered.
.......But it did...
His hand stilled, a thin trickle of scarlet fluid running down to spot the lino below.
Would Kami have wanted this?
For him to give up....they could be together, but would Kami have wanted it to be by these means.
Was it selfish to think Kami might need him to live?
He dropped the razor, the clatter of it jolting him awake.
(What am I doing......? Not like this....not like this....not now.....)
Gackt crumpled, burying his face in his hands and pleading forgiveness to an unhearing room. Tears ran anew and he knew they would not stop for a long time. But they would stop......and then he could carry on....for Kami.....
(and not tarnish his memory....)
"For my dear......."
(I’ll carry on......)
**************************************************************************************
"Good Morning Gaku!"
Gackt opened his eyes a crack, squinting as a blurred figure approached him, laying a tray of breakfast on his bedside table.
You grinned, leaning against his knees he wished Gackt another morning greeting, his voice full of genuine cheer. Masa stood against the doorframe, wearing a peculiar pair of patterned pyjamas.
".....You-kun....." Gackt shook himself awake, the dream grasping at his mind before he could stop it.
You’s smile disintegrated and he looked worriedly back into Gackt’s shining eyes, "Is something wrong?"
(......Kami....)
"You-kun...." Gackt repeated, his hands suddenly appearing from beneath the sheets to clutch his aching head.
(..........Gaku?........)
You sat next to him and tentatively encircled him with his arms, holding Gaku close as he shivered, fresh tears wetting through You’s top.
"Gaku......what’s wrong?" He whispered coaxingly.
Gackt took a deep, calming breath, his sobs dying in You’s comforting embrace.
"....I just had a bad dream...."
Masa slipped through the open door and planted himself on the other side of the bed, his fingertips stroking over Gackt’s hair gently.
".....Didn’t we all..." He murmured.
**************************************************************************************
