Sharp
i’m so drowsy.
i feel like i’m swimming in a
deep, dark pool of blood
it smells sweet and coppery
black trees are standing like sketches
in my peripheral vision
in a cartoon sky
too frightening to be a dream.
standing out against my memory
i can see the lake stretch out before me
like i am at the bottom of an abyss
looking upwards
the gray sky does not stir ripples across
the bloody surface of my grave
not a whisper.
i am underneath it
the stickiness is in my mouth
my hair
my nose
i breathe it, smell it, feel it sinking into me
my eyes are filling redness.
for a lick of air
i hit bottom
sinking into the spongy,
gore-saturated earth
i lay with my hands
floating for the surface
breathe………………………………………………breathe
i begin to wonder whose blood i’m being baptized in.
it’s mine
i scream with no air
and exhale my last breath
i can’t feel anymore
not my body, not my heart
i drown in my own sorrow
Sweet
madness
tangible like candy
and the blood is twice as sweet
on my tongue
all the siren songs
swirl in my crowded head
and surges from my lips
in an almost inaudible sigh
that never quite catches air
my fingers wont
can’t
quite reach the blade
to pull it out
accomplished
lick and nurse it
breathe and exhale the wet red bubbles
swell and beat
bliss
sick as death
but still tastes infinitely sweeter
Claret
i wonder what it’s like to be underneath
and ocean wave that’s gray
it looks cold and sharp
thin and smooth, like pain
the froth at the crest would cap my head
and the salt would coat my lips
would my skin become blue?
would my fingers feel the icy solitude of my watery grave?
i can almost feel drops of water
clinging to my eyelashes
filling up beneath my skin
bloating every space
submerging myself with one step off this edge
losing consciousness fills me with dread
an indescribable terror
but also fascination
what will it feel like?
will i know it when i sink to the bottom
so far down
that my blood begins to crystallize in my veins?
sometimes i want to die in a warm embrace
burnished woods
and a golden sky
surround the bridge upon which i stand
murky depths that claim my life
tangled weeds would choke me
stuff themselves down my throat
gently ripples made by the wind
peaceful
leaves
oak and maple
fall on my face
warm
gold turns to black
love turns to sadness
life turns to death
say nothing more
jump.
Declivity
death sings me a sweet lullaby
laced with deceit and crushed velvet
I could fall into it
deeply
let its embrace pull me close
little raindrop changes tune
as the undead army marches onward
loneliness becomes a melody
malady
I walk in autumn forever poised on the edge of winter
down a lonely path I go
alone
with a faint smile lingering at the back of my mind
I can feel the suffering of the past
as I run my fingers down the barks of the trees before me
a stale wind blows the leaves at the crowns of the trees
the leaves chatter to each other
and I smile uneasily because I know they talk of me
alone
I stand as a marble goddess
in a domain that was given to me to control
the melody of madness
comforts me as I descend down that inner spiral
to find comfort in the madness that is meant to destroy me
Factor
consume the world with fire
flesh is burning from the words of liars
knash my heel upon your head
where it is you wish me dead
my flag is raised within your sights
leave me rest
drag me down with sinful arms
virulent, infest
reign in your lead
fulfill your bloodletting need
blood runs cold and neat
veins forged by heat
you are swollen bright beyond my sight
help me
why do you think to torture me is right
tell me
why do you despise me
though I’ve done nothing wrong?
why is it that my funeral dirge
is suddenly your anthem song?
perhaps popular opinion rules
conceivably, I am mad
drunk on the knowledge
I’ll never want for what can never be had
I stand a martyr for the ones like me
future and past
I’ll be the sacrifice and take all the scourging
first and last
I am weak…
Make me blind…
Heart turned meek…
Corrupt my mind
Possibilities
Lately, I've felt smothered by myself,
By my life,
Steeped in a malaise that's difficult to crawl out of.
What if I could change my name?
Become set on a new path with a few foreign consonants
and vowels as my tag,
Forget that girl and become a woman.
What if I could get in my car and drive away forever?
Throw away the rearview mirror and burn the roadmap,
Search the dusty asphalt ahead of me for answers.
But what happens if I turn my head to hear that
familiar name called?
Or look behind me and see someone following my car in
the distance?
What then?
What if I could wash my hands of this mortal coil?
I could swallow hundreds of pills,
I could ease back my flesh with razor blades,
I could tie a rope round my neck and jump.
I could make them pay for the harm they've done to me.
I could give them the pills, pierce their skin,
or fashion a noose for fairer necks than mine.
What if I could.......
Identity
Deep lines of sadness
Etched into her face
Shine waxy and ethereal
As streams of despair
Course their way thru
To land upon her quivering lips
Her heart is saturated
With obsidian thoughts
And as she weeps silently
To herself
Her heart absorbs yet more
Furtively seeping into her eyes
Belying her inner misery
Sediment from past heartache
Trickles unforgivingly into her soul
Sickened by her weakness
She laments as the bound woman
Strung up and held captive
By cruel masters that jeer at her pain
And reword her with yet more
With hands cold and trembling
She touches her face
As gently as a lover
She feels herself disintegrating
Losing more of herself
With every passing moment
But she never really knew
Who she was at all
Deceitful words of love
Fleeting passion
Embraces from another time
She let herself be defined by this
Shaped and molded by others
Emotions dictated by those
Who would use her
She must feel as they do
She must want only what they want
She must give up her control
Now that the jackals have discarded the feast
She is left with rags to dress in
Bones to comfort herself with
Blood to bathe herself in
She can sense the decay
Rotting inside her
That sweet scent calls out
To the carnivores that lie in wait
To cut their teeth on flesh most tender
What is it that courses thru her veins
That ebbs and erodes her will
Who put it in there
To poison her love
She knows another could not love her
As she has been purged
Of her compassion
Salty evidence of her darkness
Stains her pillow at night
Swept up in her dreams
And nightmares
Gnashing teeth and wailing voices
Crowd her sleep
Hoping for just another drop
Of her cloying loneliness
To spread across her face
She may feed the beast within
Until she can give no more
And leave her tattered body behind her
Or she can keep this dim spark alive
This hope
That she jealously guards
To allow herself to feel again
And let love not define her
But to be a part of the greater whole
