...My So Called Life...
Entries # 1-10
1/31/03 INFATUATION IS A SIN
Once more the world is the same. It spins and no one falls out. But what about falling in? Yes i believe you can fall in. but out? That's much harder.Tomorrow is Imbolc a pagan holiday celebrating the end of winter and the coming of spring. In Christian terms another holiday to worship saint Briggitt.(Origanally Goddess Briggitt but that's another story)Either way I have no way to make it to the public circle held by Isis Rising. I plan to spend my time with my Best friend Diana and celebrate with her, In our own weird way. (Dancing to MSI)
My new school....I hate it. But there's this hispanic guy I have a thing for.I don't think it'll work though.
Well only time can tell
"...Im trapped in this world lonely and fading ,heartbroke and waiting for you to come..."
2/1/03
IMBOLC
Well here I find myself yet another day in this excistance. I decided to hang out with Diana so here i am. Lexbian couldn't make it. We're just watching a movie...Hocus Poke-us.Then later on tonight we'll do some magick...Tonight is a night of new beginnings. I wonder what the future might bring. In other news, Mortuary De Fays is finally manisfeting into reality I can't wait to see how all will come out. blessed be...
2/10/03
"I AM YOUR DOWNFALL"
Dreams are woven from delicate Angel wings and spun from the hibernating Demons we shun when we're awake. I had the most amuzing dream the other night. To make a long story short i fell in love with a ghost who i thought was alive. He wrote me a note...
Do not trust in me
I shall be your downfall
I am a sicko
...I awoke and those words were imprinted in my mind, in my soul. i was in love with this ghost but now it's over. I think this has to do with the whole yael thing. For him my heart suffers numerous wounds. I just wish someone could heal them. A new love. In other news I found out who my past life is. It was a blonde,blue eyed, italian renaissance woman. Which whom I would see as Stella Luna. That explains my facination with renaissance clothing and gothic music as well as my magick abilities. I am finishing what i could not in my past life. I am meant in this world for a great reason. I hope I find out what it is. For now im studying all that I can grab hold of.
God and goddess I beg of thee to aid me in my studies...Blessed be
2/12/03 EMPTY IS A FEELING
Today was quite an empty day. I made myself belive that someone liked me in return. But like always it was all an illusion. So sad though because I feel extremely attracted to this person. In other news, my band MORTUARY DE FAYS,is soon to be reality. I need to make a few phone calls and all will be ready for our first practice sesion. Something more personal...(Didi if you're reading)... I beleive my abilities are evolving.Becoming stronger. Today I was reading Palms in my DramaII class and I just knew things.This has never happened before. What's going on? Does this mean im more in tune with my subconcience? Then this boy came up to me, and he was overpowering me with negative energy. I couldn't think, let alone breathe. So somehow without trying I raised a large amount of energy around me. A protection mechanism? I didn't have time to ground myself afterwords so I was walking the hallways feeling people's vibrations with out trying. The feeling was overwhelming.I finally got to my next class and drank water and released that excess energy.Im going to find out what this is all about tonight or SAT when i go to the "jitana" party at my friend Rosa's house.
2/14/03 (valentine's day) THIS IS MY WORLD?
Im not one to celebrate holidays such as this one, because I usually don't have someone to celebrate with.
Im supposed to see Diana today and go to the movies. But then again I really don't have a form of transportation.I have this meloncholic mood today. Last year on valentines one of my old friends Crystal gave me a rose. This year she's a cheerleader and we don't even talk anymore. I have only a selected few that I can trust and who can somewhat understand me. That includes my long time friend Diana Garcia.(not to be confused with my best friend Diana Velez).Im glad that my mentor Didi is now in my life. I appreciate her sooooo much. I don't know if she knows it. For once she is the first person I can fully connect with.I can only hope that she will stay at my side.Apart from that...I've been reading SUMMONING SPIRITS by KONSTANTINOS and following some of the exercises that he recommends to develope clairvoyance and clairaudience. If you too seek to develope these skills I suggest you work the exercises with a quartz stone on you somewhere. like in your pocket. The experience is hightened.Atleast it was for me. I think i acheived inner quite in about 5 min. That's pretty good in my opinion...well in other news the "jitana" party has been canceled. Im not even sure if im going to see Didi tomorrow. Im going to have to call her and see if we can set up something. I need to see her,no matter what.
2/18/01 TALKING TO A SHAMAN
Today was a bit interesting.I had a short talk with a shaman who gave me a new point of view. Seperating ritual from magick.He was very into Buhddism and Zen, so on and so on. I haven't been able to see Didi and she hasn't even returned my calls. I feel a bit down about that I thought I could somehow count on her. Besides my other abilities I've recently (like yesterday) started picking up information by just asking the divine. I wish Didi could explain this to me in more detail since this is one of her skills.But really i just have to reach inner quite halfway and ask the divine what I wish to know. Then Pictures just pop into my mind. Colors or feelings. Mostly feelings.I consider myself to be sensitive to feelings and energies. (a bit of an empath) But I need someone who can help me with these newly developed skills. I thought Didi was that person. I hope she is. I can only teach myself to an extent.Sometimes like everybody else I need help or a little bit of guidance. In other news I went out with my sister/best friend Diana to the mall where we were supposed to meet up with a friend(Gary) But he had complications in getting there and unfortunately didn't make it at all. News about my Band...Well we need a guitarist. And i have begun to learn the violin. We have a bassist(Gary). But our Guitarist kinda backed out.That's all for today.Blessed be
2/19/03 THE LINK IS DIVINE
Today i've been writing a bit of my book (retouching chp4 actually) and I began to realise something that i've always heard but never undersood. The concept that all around us the Divine is breathing and living within us and around us beneath us and above us. We are all connected. But that's not what I realised. I realised something more profound and more personal.Im sorry but only selected few are elligable to know.(That means Diana).Besides that I feel totally inspired to do new things ,it's really a huge up from that melencholy feeling I had last week. I hope all goes well. I might start driving soon so that's a plus.
I wanted to express to the world one message (The Link is divine) If you understand what this means email me and i'll post it up on another page im working on.NOTE: if you wish the email to be personal please say so. Otherwise I will post it. Blessed be.
2/23/03 CHICAGO
Basically i loved the movie!!! I don't feel im allowed to write what im going through right now. something happens and the whole entrie deletes.sometimes i need to keep things to myself. This is one of them. right now it is 3:20 am and i am not sleepy.the night calls me. it's an unexplainable urge that gets stronger while the moon is dark or full. I 'll learn what it means some day.
2/27/03 "I WISH I HAD WINGS"... Ever After
Two days ago I met Bryan. I wasn't going to, But I did. The consequence? Im beggining to like him. The catch? He feels devoted to someone else. Someone who Im not very fond of. Our date was perfect. We went to a park and we sat together saying the sweetest things people could say to eachother.Holding eachother,he kissed my neck, I felt his breath against my skin,His tongue In all the right spots, arousing me with every single second. I never wanted it to end. I wanted the moment to be endless. Those were infact the three most wonderfull hours I Have ever spent with a guy. I wouldn't trade it for the world. I asked him as his lips met my neck "Are you trying to seduce me?" and he answered "I beleive I've already have." It was perfect. Too Perfect. There was something i didn't consider. The other guy he was dating. Well that night I had a vision of him and this guy ,lets call him M. Him and M kissing and M half neaked. I called Bryan and asked him the whole story about M. Turns out I was right. They do have a thing for eachother. They're almost going out. Except the vision is of something in the future.It still hasn't happened. I feel so Hollow. I told myself and my friend Alex That i wasn't going to get emotional , I mean Bryan even warned me not to get attached. I plan on not doing so. But I can't help
but wonder,what exactly could have happened between us. I felt the attraction,the lust,the craving between us. "IF IT IS TOO PERFECT, IT MUST BE AN ILLUSION" (Juele )in Jody Lyn Nye's SCHOOL OF LIGHT. <-One of my fav books. I don't plan on beign second best. I hope Bryan sees that.( Is he my downfall?)
3/06/03 A GIRL CALLED ROSA
Tonight im sleeping at Rosa's house we saw two movies and everyone one is off sleeping. 'xept me. Sometimes I wonder what it's like to like the daytime. What's out there? In other news... The bryan Frank Fling so did not work out. I don't think I can be anything more but his friend. Im not attracted to him in the way he wants me to like him. well the world seems alright now.Rosa-Ive known her since The 5th grade. I mean Ive never had a friend like that. It's kinda funny how we met. I came up to her and asked her if she knew a song (I sang a verse of Wannabe by Spice girls) and her eyes lit up and she goes "omg! i luv the spice girls" If i only had a camera to take a picture of the beggining of our friendship. Or to take a picture of the real con-fu-sed expression on my face.Anyways to make a long story short, I became a big SG fan and was into the whole pop scene till i entered 7th grade and met Legna. My ex Bi-sexual friend. She was wild and careless all the things I wanted to be. The was also the year i met Julia. A girl who knew too much about magick in too little time. I saw her open doors with out even touching them. that was talent. But her powers scared her and she shunned her gift. Nmaed it a curse. I on the other hand found a calling. An explanation to all the wierd things i could do. My fascination with the supernatural and the word Witchcraft. Why i loved to gaze at the moon and sing songs that only i knew what they were about. i once tried to hold a sceance in kindergarden. My first day i was placed in a circular table and i told the kids to close their eyes and hold hands. They did as i said. Then I said "can you see the witch?" the teacher passed by and said that "very imaginative,very good." It's kind of weird how i can remember my first day of school,the names of my classmates and the songs we sang. Is that abnormal? I wonder what Rosa thinks?
