Chapter Fourteen: Deep, Deep, Deeper Meaning

*The entire morning the office was dead silent. From the usual opening time, six thirty, until around nine, it had been quiet mainly because Serena hadn’t been around for Hiiro to bicker with. She had gone to the hospital to sit with her parents in the morning. Of course Hiiro had found the morning unusually dreary and boring without Serena sitting across from him.

In fact, he had twice the energy he usually did by this point in the day simply because he hadn’t wasted it by fighting yet. And he was restless. Every other minute he was standing, ‘checking the security systems’ was his excuse, but he knew different.

He felt guilty. He wasn’t really doing his job. What had happened? He used to be so work-oriented. He used to only want to get it done, nothing more and nothing less. He used to be only concerned with the possible terrorist attacks and threats, but now he knew he had become to soft, too lenient. But damnit, now he couldn’t concentrate without Serena around to bother him.

Finally, when Serena had walked into the office around nine, apologizing profusely to Relena, who smiled and laughed and took it in stride, Hiiro had thought that things would pick up. Until he realized that due to the events from the day before, Serena was currently ignoring him.

This meant no bickering, and no fighting meant Hiiro had twice as much pent up energy and frustration because Serena was there and he was ready for the verbal spar, but he never got to have it. All in all, it was a very disconcerting situation he found himself placed in.

The entire office buzzed with the reasons for the silence. Some figured it was because Serena was in no mood after her parent’s accident. That was partially true. But Hiiro also knew that yelling at him helped her to vent anger, and that if that had been all, she wouldn’t be ignoring him. Some said that Serena was jealous that Relena and Hiiro were now officially a couple, which nothing could be further from the truth, and of course, some people said it was really that both of them had realized that they liked each other, but neither knew what to say. None of the reasons were quite right, but they all somehow seemed to add to the general problem of Serena avoiding and ignoring Hiiro. He could hardly wait for lunch- when he would finally be able to get her alone to talk. Or fight in their case.

And he didn’t have to wait long. As soon as Relena cut out for her lunch date with Lady Une, Hiiro and Serena began a staring contest. From their desks they sat, looking at each other without ever directly making eye contact. Hiiro couldn’t afford to make eye contact- it would leave him feeling weak and vulnerable- something he couldn’t have around Serena’s sharp tongue. He didn’t know why Serena was avoiding the eye contact though. Finally she coughed, breaking the tension in the air.

“Lunch?” He asked. She nodded. He stood and she stood. She stepped out from behind her desk, as did he. Hiiro made sure to hold the door open for her, and when they got to his bike, he made sure she didn’t want to wear a helmet.

The drive was short, with Hiiro breaking numerous amounts of laws and setting a record time in getting to their apartments. In fact, Hiiro was sure that that had been a cop trying to signal to him, but what with going so quickly, he had conveniently missed him waving his arms up and down. Well, maybe that would teach him to eat less doughnuts- Hiiro smirked at the thought.

Even their walk up to his apartment was silent. He didn’t like it. This was like the calm before the storm. The only time he had ever seen the blonde as quiet as she was had been while she had been asleep. And usually, when he woke her up, it was like waking a sleeping dragon- her fiery temper and hot words easily landed upon his unprepared ears. There was simply no way to prepare for the wrath of Serena- she was always and forever a walking contradiction and spontaneous ball of energy.

Hiiro unlocked his apartment door and hoped that he had done enough to satisfy Serena’s cool and calculating eye. Stepping in, he breathed deeply. Well, this was it. The storm clouds were rolling in; and from the looks of it, it would be thunder and lightening all the way.

“Sit.” He told her gently, steering her toward one of his couches. Serena looked around for a moment longer, and then sat down on the couch. The worn but comfortable black leather sunk in and enveloped her as she made herself at ease.

Serena looked around, more impressed by Hiiro’s apartment than she had thought she would be. The apartment building itself was not as nice as her own, but his individual apartment was about the same in quality. In fact, she was surprised that it was as big as it was- it hadn’t had the appearance from the street.

Of course she could see where he was in need of a decorator as well. While the carpeting in the apartment was a gray-blue with the walls, the rest of his furniture was black. Black leather sofas, black leather armchair, and a black rod-iron coffee table with a glass top. Atop the table was a little black box, and Serena briefly wondered what was in it, but her mind soon moved to other thoughts.

Hiiro had a medium sized television set off to one corner of the room, as if he rarely used it, and the sofas were centered around an old fashioned fireplace. She could see off to the left a small hallway, which she thought to hold his bedroom and the bathroom; and to the right was the kitchen. He barely had any knick-knacks around the place, and she wondered where the pictures and tiny statues that people usually had were.”

“Are you hungry?” Hiiro finally broke their silence. He had seen Serena’s eyes wandering about his apartment, taking it apart and analyzing it bit by bit. It made him uncomfortable, to know that he was letting someone other than a comrade or Relena see his personal side like this, but if she was to be his wife…

“No.”

“Neither am I. Why are you avoiding me?” He heard her sigh loudly.

“I just don’t feel like talking.”

“We’re-” He gulped. “Engaged. You need to talk to me, even if you don’t want to.”

“Don’t remind me.” Serena tried to sound harsh, but Hiiro noticed she really wasn’t all that mean today. Something about her entire demeanor was… melancholy.

“How are you parents?”

“My Father is fine.”

“Good. Mother?”

“Mother died this morning around two thirty. When I got there they had already taken her away.” Hiiro’s jaw dropped. He had truly thought her parents, both of them, would pull out of the accident just fine. He hadn’t thought they would really die.

“I’m sorry.” He told her, trying to express his sympathy for her. But he found it hard. There had only been two other times he had expressed sympathy for killing one when he had killed the little girl and her dog, and when he had accidentally blown-up the pacifist airplane during the war. But he had been the direct cause of those events; Serena’s mother dying had not been related to him in any way. This was different, and he didn’t know how to deal with it.

“No, you’re not.” She whispered, choking up and tearing. “You really aren’t, so don’t pretend to be- it isn’t very becoming.”

“I’m sorry.” He repeated, looking at the woman in front of him. She looked ready to collapse, but she kept sniffling and standing strong. She was not weak and would not fall without a fight.

“You don’t know how to be sorry. You’re a soldier. You’re entire life you’ve stolen lives from others- why would you feel sorry for my parents after you didn’t feel sorry for all of them?” Serena whispered; her voice flavored with a bitter hatred.

“Just because I killed does not mean I do not feel guilt.” Hiiro told her gently. Very slowly he reached forward and tried to lay his hand on her shoulder, but she batted him away.

“Liar! If you truly felt guilty, how could you possibly have killed again? And again? And again! You’re a murderer who doesn’t care!” She cried out angrily. He was such a jerk. How dare he, a soldier, a good for nothing killer, he dare he think he could feel anything for the dead? He had no right! None!

“I did not have a choice.” Hiiro frowned at her. She was right. But so was he. By the time he had made his first… kill…he was already trained not to feel. He didn’t know to feel guilty after the little girl. He hadn’t had the choice to stop and contemplate the humanity of his actions because he had had no humanity left.

“Everyone has a choice Hiiro. You made the wrong one.”

“It was something I had no control over.” He stopped. This conversation… it sounded identical to the one he had heard Serena and Darien having on the street the day he had met her. Was he doomed to be a repeat of that? Did she realize that she herself was caught in a cycle?

“You always have a choice Hiiro.”

“I did not kill your parents.” He needed to break this off.

“I know! But I can’t stand it! I hate you! I hate them! I hate my Mother for dying! I hate them for choosing my life for me; I hate them for controlling me! I hate this world, and I hate my life! God, I just want to get out of this! I just want to go away!” She yelled. Standing up, Serena moved across the room to the glass doors that lead onto his balcony. He was so… God! Frustrating really. He argued with her in a way that she never really won- he always left her feeling that there was more to the situation than she had been taking into account. But how could that be? Killing was killing, regardless. Was there ever any true, justifiable reason to kill? She couldn’t think of any. But he made it seem as if there was.

“Feel better?” Hiiro slightly frowned. He knew she was venting, but it was so much harsher than he had expected. Still. He had been waiting for her to do it all day, and now that she finally was, he wasn’t about to stop her.

“No.” She replied indignantly. Then she sighed. “Yes.”

“Good. I am sorry about your Mother.”

“Me too.”

“Are you hungry?”

“How can you think about food at a time like this?” She asked, her jaw open and her eyes narrowed. Hiiro gulped. Then his stomach grumbled.

“That’s why.” He replied, keeping a straight face.

“No, I’m not hungry.” Serena gave in. She just could never win with him!

As Hiiro made himself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, Serena re-settled herself on the couches and sunk in. Spying a blanket draped across the arm of the couch, she unfolded it and curled up beneath it, savoring the warmth. It was soft too. Never before had she felt anything so… comfortable. Closing her eyes, she relaxed, and a serene smile crept across her pallid visage.

“Serena, are you sure…” Hiiro stopped when he saw her. She was so small, so fragile looking as she lay curled up on his couch. It was such a sweet sight to look at that his bad mood was vanquished instantly and his stoic face was replaced with a soft side smile. “Never mind.” He whispered. He ate quickly and quietly in the kitchen so as not to disturb her, and then decided to check his email.

Two from Duo, one from Trowa, one from Quatre, three from various solicitors, and one from J… J? Again? Hadn’t that old man caused enough problems as it was? Hiiro sighed, knowing it would only get worse if he ignore the crazy geezer, so he opened the message and read it quickly.

“01: The date for your wedding is set. You have one month to get your affairs in order, because on Saturday December 20^th you two are getting married. Her mother and I had decided on a winter wedding long before you two had known about the wedding at all, so there really is no way I can change it. Tell that she only has a month to get her dress, bridesmaids, flowers, invitations, and other such affairs in order. Oh, and I’m sorry for her losses. –J”

Hiiro’s eyes widened when he read the email. Two months? That was all? It seemed as if the Gods above were purposely punishing him. First he fell in love with the woman who hated him, now he had to marry the woman, whom he fought with constantly, and now he had to tell her that they were getting married in only two months! Serena was going to skin him alive for this one!

Hiiro’s eyes fluttered to the couch, where Serena lay fast asleep. Then he looked at the clock. They had another half hour before they were supposed to be back at work, but it would take him a good while to explain this to her. And she was not going to like it. Sighing deeply, Hiiro shook he head and stood. Stretching, he made his way toward the couch. Very gently, he shook her awake.

“Hmm?” Serena kept her eyes closed. She was in one of those deep sleeps… God she loved them. They didn’t come often enough really. All she knew was that it had been a very bad day, and now all she wanted to do was snuggle down into the warm, soft, safe blanket and hide from the world. Damn everything else.

“Serena? Jay emailed me.” And her sweet lethargic state was shattered.

“Jay?” She sat up, rubbing her eyes. When she finally refocused, her eyes met with the deepest blue she had ever seen. God his eyes… they were so deep. Not only in color, but they had a depth to them she wished she had never found.

This killer… he had so much hidden in his eyes. She knew he had stories beyond comprehension… and she shuddered in repulsion at the fact that she would never be able to sympathize with him. She hated the thought that she could empathize if she…No! She didn’t want to- God, she didn’t want to!

“He told me that your mo- parents and he had set the date a few weeks ago.”

“Wonderful.” She mumbled. She could care less about the date of the damn wedding. She just wanted to get this over with.

“We have a month.”

“One?” She squeaked. “So soon?”

“Hnn.”

“You’re helpful.”

“What am I supposed to say?” Silence for a moment.

“Tell me what you saw during the war.” Hiiro’s eyes widened in surprise, then narrowed in suspicion.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“No.”

“But why not?” He watched her eyes narrow. So she would get stubborn about this? Why did she need to know? What would it do to tell her? He wanted no pity, and he wanted no sympathy. All he wanted was to forget, and now she was drudging up old memories that made him want to end it all…

“I will not corrupt your innocence and drag memories out.” He finally told her. He watched her slump down into the couch again and close her eyes. She was still for a moment, and he savored the tender picture.

Her golden locks were slightly tousled from her nap, and they hung loosely in her twin puppy tails, cascading down her shoulders. Her cheeks were pale with a thin veil of tinted pink brushing her cheeks. Her lips were pursed together, in a small frown, and her thick lashes rested against her ashen face softly. She looked like the fairy tail princess sleeping beauty, and he wondered why such a beautiful woman would have such an ill temperament. Something had to have sparked this within her, and it could not have been simply the war or the death of her brother. Something else had done this to her…

Then her lips slowly moved, and though no sound came out, he barely caught what she said. “My innocence was gone long before now.”

“Serena, we should be getting back.” She opened her eyes, and for a moment he thought he caught a glimmer of a familiar emotion. The same emotion he felt constantly, the same one Quatre had thinking about his past, and the same one he saw in Lady Une’s eyes when she thought of Treize. How strange… what emotion would they all share?

“Of course. Well, anyway.” She cleared her voice. “This is not going to go over well with Relena.” Hiiro blinked. Oh, crap.

“Hnn.” His only escape from the fear of not knowing what to say was the old standard fall back- the grunt.

“Fine. I shouldn’t have expected you to care anyway you filthy scum.” Serena muttered as she stood up. Glaring heavily at Hiiro, she turned her back to him and folded the blanket.

“Hnn.” He glared as well. He needed to put up his defenses too much around her… it was beginning to sting every time she made a comment like that. “Let’s go.”

“Very well.” And she picked up her purse and headed to the door without saying one more word.

Hiiro opened the door, tight-lipped and frowning. Walking into the hallway, she gasped. Hiiro looked around to see what was happening. Looking down the hall he could make out the form of a man and his wife. As they came into the dim light, he heard the woman with the man gasp as well. Wait…

He knew these people! It was the man who had he had talked out of jumping a week ago and his wife. But how did his wife know Serena? And better yet, how did Serena know them? So many questions, but Hiiro could see that if he was patient enough, he would find out without having to ask.

“You!” Serena screeched.

“You!” The middle-aged woman yelled.

“Of all the people…” Serena, at the moment, broke down crying. Hiiro looked at her completely taken by surprise. What the hell was going on? It wasn’t like Serena to randomly break into tears…

“What are you doing here?” The middle-aged woman gapped in awe.

“Hey! I know you!” The man finally spoke. “You’re the kid that talked me out of suicide the other night.”

“Yeah.” Hiiro nodded.

“Thank you. But honey?” The man turned to his wife. “Who is this young lady? Do you know her?” The woman hung her head in shame.

“I do.” She answered her husband. “I’ve seen her around.”

“Around? Around!” Serena screamed. “You’re the woman my boyfriend was cheating on me with!” Hiiro’s world blackened. What? A new twist… So the break up hadn’t only been because Darien was a soldier? He had cheated on her… with this woman…

“This is the girlfriend of that Darien fellow?” The man yelled, staring angrily at his wife.

“Yes. What are you dong here?” The woman yelled at Serena. Serena looked around frantically, needing a defense mechanism.

“I’m with my fiancé!” She screeched, hoping it would work.

“Fiancé?” The man and woman chorused together.

“Yes!” She nodded, latching onto Hiiro’s arm.

“She’s my fiancé.” Hiiro confirmed.

“And what about Darien? You little prep! You just left him for this man?” The woman yelled.

“You left me for him! Don’t yell at her!” The man screamed at his wife.

“There’s a difference. I came back to you. She didn’t go back. And now Darien is lonely in bed…” The woman sighed.

“I wasn’t sleeping with him to begin with, that was all you! I have a little dignity left!” Serena yelled. “Enough to know not to stay with someone once they’ve broken your trust!”

“You little bitch! How dare you suggest that I have no dignity?” The woman lunged for the sobbing Serena, but Hiiro’s cat-like reflexes beat her to the punch. He caught her around her waist and swung her around and back onto her feet.

“Leave her alone.” He growled. Then he walked back over to Serena and put his arm around her shoulder. “We need to get back to work.” Serena didn’t speak, but nodded and allowed Hiiro to lead her to the elevator, listening to the other woman scream obscenities all the while.

As the elevator doors closed on them, Serena collected herself and wiped her eyes. Finally able to stop her sniffling, she looked up at Hiiro. She wasn’t glaring as he had expected, but her look was one of despair and desperation.

“I’m not shallow. I would never have left Darien, even if he was a soldier, if he had never betrayed me.” Hiiro’s eyes opened wide as he watched her head fall in shame. *

~~~I feel I should tell you all, by the time I upload this ch, I will be done with this fic. I just upload slowly to keep you interested! Lol! In any case, I already have what happens planned out and I can’t change it, so… sorry if I’m not what you wanted. I try, but I can never seem to appease people. I am sorry! Please Review! Much love- Vixen ~~~