Chapter Nineteen: I Feel Guilty

*“Oh Lily.” James pulled her in even tighter. He wanted to make her pain go away, to take it on himself so that she would be happier. “Lily, you are not a freak. Don’t let them get to you. They do it because they know it will bother you! Please don’t believe them.”

“But James, I’m so weird, different from everyone else. I am such a freak…”

“Lily! You are not a freak! You are a gorgeous, spectacular girl who is smart and fun and pretty… I could go on about you for hours. Don’t listen to them!” Lily was undecided, should she laugh at James’ sweet words, or cry at the Slytherin’s mean ones. So she sniffled and weakly smiled.

“You’re just saying that James.”

“Lily, why would I lie to you?”

“I don’t know.” She sighed. “But James, you can’t even trust me and tell me what’s wrong with Remus, and now you’re suddenly tell me all these lies about me.” Her smile disappeared and her tears renewed as they trailed slowly down her pale cheek.

James looked at Lily with wide eyes. She actually believed he would lie to her? She had this little trust in him? But then, it was true he hadn’t trusted her enough to tell her about his friend’s… ailment. Still… And anyway! Why would he lie to her? Had he ever given her a reason not to trust him before? Yes. He had promised to protect her, to keep her safe, and he had let her down.

“Lily… I’m so sorry. This is all my fault. God, I’m so sorry.” James’ voice cracked. “I would never lie to you! Never! I’m sorry I broke my promise!” And a single tear crawled down his cheek. James roughly bushed it away and pulled his glasses off to wipe his eyes before anymore could escape.

“Oh James, please don’t cry!” Lily sobbed harder. “I know you wouldn’t lie! I’m sorry I accused you of it. This is all my fault. If I wasn’t such a freak, this never would have happened. Please don’t cry!”

“Lily, you are not a freak! I’m so sorry I broke my promise.”

“Enough! The both of you are making me sick with all this blaming!” Hagrid roared. “Lily, you are not a freak and it is not your fault Malfoy and Snape have mental issues. And James! You still stopped them, so stop yourself!” Both Lily and James looked at Hagrid through blurry eyes. And then they looked at each other and cracked tiny smiles. And then James let out a laugh, which Lily soon added to.

“There now, see?” Hagrid grinned through his own blurry eyes. James reached up and wiped Lily’s tear stained cheeks dry.

“Come on Lady Lily, let’s see that gorgeous smile now.” He joked. Lily had to smile at his words. “There it is!” James laughed.

“I am sorry though. I mean, for all the trouble I’ve caused you.” Lily whispered, her throat still choked up.

“Don’t be, you’re worth it.”

“James! Don’t say things like that!” She blushed.

“But you’re cute when you’re blushing.” He mocked her. She giggled slightly. Her laughter made James grin. She was happy. He himself felt elated.

“Now that’s more like it! You two should be out there bumping heads with trouble, not crying in here!” Hagrid boomed and laughed. “Lily, James, pull up a chair near the fire and tell me more about the summer!” They nodded, and Lily stood up and James pulled over a second chair. Lily sat down in the one across from where Hagrid was sitting, and James looked down at the chair he had chosen to move. It was an old, beat up armchair with one too many patches and rips in the fabric. The lumpy cushions did not offer the appearance of comfort, and James groaned.

“Now then James, you should have been concentrating!” Hagrid laughed.

“Poor James!” Lily laughed. James just grumbled.

“So funny.” He sat down in the chair, but immediately sprang back up. “Ow! That chair just bit me!”

“Bit you?” Lily laughed.

“Maybe it didn’t like having you sitting on it?” Hagrid laughed harder. James just scowled.

“Oh James! Don’t look like that! We were only joking!” Lily stood up. “Here, you can have this chair.” She offered.

“Don’t mind if I do?” James grinned doggishly and plopped down, grabbing Lily’s waist and pulling her down with him. They laughed and Lily scrambled to stand up. “What’s the rush Lady Lily?”

“I’ll crush you James!” Lily blushed.

“Crush me? Lily! You weigh what, a hundred pounds? Come on! Don’t insult me! I’m stronger than that!”

“I weigh more than that!” Lily blushed. “And anyway…”

“And anyway you don’t want to be bitten do you? It’s not a pleasant experience, I’ll tell you that. Now come on, just give in!” And James tugged at her again. Hagrid watched the two as Lily finally submitted and curled up on James’ lap. He wrapped his arms around her, and rested his chin atop her head, smiling lazily. Hagrid smiled. They were nice together; it just… worked.

“You two comfortable?” He asked. They nodded slightly, obviously not concentrating on what he had said, but on each other. Hagrid decided not to say much more, just to let them sit and chat as they pleased.

>>>)(<<<

“Hey Remus!” James called out.

“Hi James.” Remus sputtered. James looked at his friend. Remus appeared more haggard than normal. His blonde, white hair was messy and uncombed, and his robes seemed to be more wrinkled than usual. Then it hit him. The full moon!

Since their first day back at Hogwarts, Remus had only undergone three transformations. Still, every time he did he seemed to become more and more tired. The stress of hiding his secret at school was taking a toll on him, and the Marauders, especially James, were well aware of the problem.

“Hey Moony, feeling alright?” James asked, concerned for his friend’s health.

“Yeah.” Remus laughed weakly. “You know me. I feel like a woman, I get pissy once a month. They should really consider it PMS for werewolves… pre-moon syndrome.” James laughed.

“You’d better be careful no girls hear you say that- you’ll be labeled as a sexist!”

“If any girls heard me say that, I’d be in more trouble than that, I’d be kicked out of school and hunted down.” Remus suddenly went serious. James went serious too.

“Moony, you know if you ever need someone…”

“I know James.”

“I hoped so. I mean, we aren’t just friends because we pull pranks together. We’re friends because we all know too much blackmail information on each other to become enemies.” James grinned and Remus laughed.

“I know Prongs. Thanks.”

“Yeah.”

“So how are things with your girlfriend?” Remus asked slyly.

“Not you too! I still maintain Lily and I are just good friends. We are not dating or anything above.” James announced, hoping the blush he knew was on his face would go unnoticed.

“Prongs, level with me. You like her.” Remus grinned.

“I never date.” James countered.

“But you like her.” Remus knew James was simply avoiding the subject.

“It would ruin my reputation, you’ll understand.”

“You love her.”

“You know Lily doesn’t believe in love.” James circumvented.

“I’m taking that as a yes.” Remus smirked.

“Take it, leave it, eat it.” James muttered, laughter in his eyes.

“What?”

“I don’t know.” They grinned.

“Hey Remus?”

“Yeah?”

“What if I were to ask you a question? About your transformations?” James’ eyes darkened, and Remus knew his friend was being serious again.

“Sure James. What’s wrong?”

“I feel guilty that every time you have a transformation I leave to see you and Lily doesn’t know. She always tells me she notices you’re looking sick, but when she asks, I can’t say anything.”

“You want to tell Lily.” Remus came to the conclusion and paled.

“Yeah. But only if you want me too. And, I mean, no pressure. If you don’t want me to, I won’t. I swore to you I would keep your secret to my grave and if you want me to, I will.”

“James, Lily is my friend too. Really. But I’m just worried about her… reaction to me. What if she hates me? What if she tells someone?”

“Remus, I can honestly say that Lily would never do either of those. You know I wouldn’t have a friend who would. But if that’s how you feel, no sweat.”

“It’s not that James.”

“Remus, chill. I understand.” James smiled. Sure, he was a little let down, but if that was how his friend wanted it, that was how it would be. It wouldn’t be right to do otherwise.

“Thanks James.”

“Any time. Did you do that paper for DADA yet?”

“No… I was on my way to the library for the books. I have to research those griffins…”

“Man, you’d better get to work! That thing took me an hour.”

“How long did it take Padfoot?”

“Are you kidding me? Remus! He copied it from Ara of course.” Remus shook his head.

“Figures he’d be the one to have the smart girlfriend. I have to get going, I’ll see you later James.”

“Bye Re!”

“Don’t call me that!” But James just laughed at Remus’ retreating form. Remus made it to the library in record time. Madame Pince gave him a stern look as he rushed in, but he meekly glanced at her and retreated to the back of the library where he wouldn’t have to deal with her prying eyes.

“Hi Remus.” Remus jumped in surprise. Turning around, he smiled.

“Oh, hey there Lily. How are you?”

“Good. I was just about to ask you the same question. You don’t look too well.” He could see concern etched in her eyes.

“I’m fine. Just a little tired. You know, I have that big DADA paper to finish and all.”

“Really? I just finished mine. Do you want some help with research? I know the library by heart, I’m sure I could help you find whatever books you need.” She offered shyly. Lily hadn’t ever voluntarily struck up a conversation with Remus before, but he looked so tired today that she thought he might need help getting something done early so he could sleep.

“No thanks Lily, I think I…” Remus paused. “Sure. Sure, I’d love some help.”

“Oh!” Lily exclaimed in surprise. She had half expected Remus to turn her help down. But now that he wanted it… “What did you need to find?”

“Books on werewolves actually.” He muttered. What was he doing?

“Werewolves? Hmm. They should be back here… Follow me.” She smiled a small smile at him and began walking down the rows of books. Finally she stopped. “Well, this whole section is on werewolves.”

“Thanks. Do you know any of the best books?”

“Well, a lot of the books have a pretty biased view on werewolves. They like to make them out to be big, bad creatures, which isn’t really all that true. If you find a book that labels werewolves as horrible, vicious monsters, it probably isn’t the best source of referance.”

“You don’t think werewolves are bad?” Remus hid his surprise.

“Well.” She paused. “How do I say this? I guess James summed it up for me when he was telling me about that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named fellow. There are good and bad people, right?”

“Right.”

“Well, the way I figure it, there are good and bad werewolves too.”

“A good way of looking at it.”

“Yeah. I mean, what do you think? If you knew a werewolf, would you hate him?” Lily asked. Remus balked.

“No.”

“I don’t think I would either. Then again, if it were Snape or Malfoy…” She shuddered. Remus smirked.

“I know exactly what you mean.” An awkward silence befell them. “Lily? Sit down.”

“What?”

“Sit.”

“Here? On the floor?”

“Yeah.”

“Ok. What’s going on? Remus, you’re acting kind of… out of character. Is everything alright? You sure you aren’t sick?” Lily asked quietly. This was why she preferred to stay in the shadows, because she wasn’t sure what sort of advice to give people unless she knew the whole story. She hadn’t been ‘observing’ Remus for a while, so she really had no idea what to expect from him.

“Lily, do you consider me as a friend?”

“Of course!” She looked slightly hurt he would even ask.

“Good, because I think of you as a friend too. Which is why I asked James to let me tell you.” Ok, so that wasn’t true. But Remus had to make his friend look good.

“Tell me what?”

“Hey Lily, I’m a werewolf.” He just said it.

“You’re a… werewolf… funny.” She smiled. Then she looked into his eyes. Nothing was there except fear and truth. “You’re serious. You’re a werewolf?” She asked incredulously.

“Yeah.”

“And tomorrow night’s a full moon… no wonder you look sick! Remus, go get some sleep! This must be stressful enough as it is, but with a DADA paper?”

“You don’t care?”

“I already told you what I thought.” She smiled lightly. “You thought my opinion would change? I’m not a hypocrite Remus. And if you had been Snape or Malfoy, well, let’s not go there. But anyway.”

“James was right…” Remus muttered. Lily blushed.

“What did he say?”

“Well, see, he asked me if he could tell you what I was. Said he hated the guilty feeling of not telling you. I told him no, because I wasn’t sure how you would react, even after he told me you wouldn’t hate me.”

“So you… tricked me… into telling you my views, and when you knew I could be trusted you told me? That isn’t very polite.” Remus blushed, but saw that she was still lightly smiling.

“I’m sorry Lily.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it. Come on, let me help you with that paper so you can go rest.” They smiled, and in that moment, Remus completely understood just why James was ‘unconsciously’ in love with her.

That night at dinner Lily sat beside Remus and James, with Ara across from her and Sirius next to her. She smiled at James, who grinned meekly back. He still felt bad that he couldn’t tell Lily, but that he wanted to betray his friend’s secret.

“James, what’s wrong?” Lily asked him quietly.

“I’m sorry. I’m just a little worried about some stuff.”

“About Remus? He’ll be fine.” James looked up.

“What?” His eyes darkened and narrowed.

“I said stop worrying. He’s got good friends like you to get him through all of this. He’ll be fine.”

“You know!” He accused her. She smiled lightly, and James could tell she wanted to laugh.

“Yeah. Remus told me this afternoon. We saw each other in the library and I offered to help him with the paper. Everything just went from there.”

“He told me I couldn’t tell you.” James grumbled. It wasn’t just that Remus hadn’t let him tell Lily, but that Lily seemed to be more preoccupied with Remus than himself. Then James felt even guiltier for feeling jealous. After all, he had no claim over Lily… yet.

“Yeah, he mentioned you had asked if you could tell me and he had said no. He tested me first too. Don’t be mad James.” She told him concerned.

“I’m not.”

“You are. Your eyes only get that dark when you’re mad, upset, or jealous.”

“I’m sorry Lady Lily.” James’ eyes lightened. He could never stay mad at Lily for long, she knew him so well that she could tell everything just by looking in his eyes. It almost scared him. But in a good way.

“May I have your attention please?” Lily and James’ conversation came to an abrupt halt as Professor Dumbledore announced himself. “I have an announcement for everyone this evening. This year’s formal ball is drawing near, in fact, it is next Friday evening. As most of you already know, the formal ball is the big social event of the Christmas season. Dress robes are required. That is all, thank you.”

“Lily!” Arabella yelled across the table through the sudden buzz that echoed throughout the room. “Are you going?”

“What? He only just announced it!” Lily yelled back.

“So?”

“So!”

“Are you going?”

“Ara… I don’t dance. Besides, those balls are only…”

“The most fun thing all year! You have to go Lily! Even if you don’t dance.”

“Ara, I really don’t think so. Besides. I’m a…”

“Freak!” The Marauders, who had all heard the conversation, yelled in unison. She lowered her head and they laughed.

“Exactly. I won’t be asked. So I see no reason in going.”

“Oh Lily…” Ara sighed. “You don’t need a date you know.”

“But I can’t go without one. So therein lies my dilemma. Besides. I don’t really want to go.” Lily blushed. Yes she did. She wanted to go badly. But she only wanted to go with one boy… who would never, not in a million years, ask her. She finished the rest of her dinner quickly, then stood and walked out of the Great Hall before anyone could stop her.

“Lily! Hey Lily!” She stopped as she heard a familiar voice calling her name.

“Hi James.”

“Why’d you leave so soon?” He asked, worried about why she was upset.

“Oh, I don’t know. I didn’t feel right sitting in there and listening to everyone chatting about that silly ball.” James watched her eyes emerald eyes darken to a deep jade. She was upset… but her smile showed otherwise. So she was hiding her feelings.

“Why not? Lily what’s wrong with the ball?”

“I-”

“Hi James!” A high squeal rang out in the halls. They turned around and saw one of Ara’s old friends, Eva.

“Err, hi Eva.” James stammered.

“So James, want to go with me to the ball?” *

~~~ I’ve had a few people ask questions on length… allow me to clear this up for y’all! This fic is actually finished as I write this. I’m just updating slowly! ;P Anyway. It’s 121 pages long, 3 pages shorter than the longest thing I’ve ever written. Each ch is about 7 pages, though ch 20 is 8 pages, and a few of the beginning chs are only 4 pages. There are 21 chs plus and epilogue! There, was that detailed enough? PLEASE REVIEW! Much love, Vixen~~~