Chapter Fourteen: Midnight Confessions

*Hiiro sighed. It was the end of his fourth day in the mental facility. Never in his life had he been so tired. No training, no mission, no war had ever been this taxing on his soul. His heart felt heavy, his mind felt numb, and his soul was weary. Slowly he could feel his walls crumbling down inside of him. But it wasn’t any shrink, psychotherapy, or advice that had broken him. It was art class.

More precisely, it was the art room. Every time he walked into the room, his mind traveled back to the fiery blonde who both feared him and spoke to him. Her words had etched themselves deep within his heart, and for the life of him he could not understand why they affected him so.

“I won’t hurt you.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Why not?”

“Let me think… oh yes, you held me against a wall, twice as a matter of fact- once you had me by the throat, and the second time by my shoulders. And both times you have refused to let go easily.”

“I have more control now.”

“Like I said, tell it to the jury, cause this judge is out to lunch. Leave me alone.”

She had been scared of him. Frightened. She had wanted him to leave because he had no control over his temper. But he didn’t want her to be scared of him. He wanted to repress his temper so she would feel safe around him. But…

“Hiiro. Ever failed at something?”

“At life.” He muttered.

“I failed to die.”

He didn’t understand. She had failed to die. Suicide. So she had failed a suicide attempt, and that was why she had been dragged here. But he had failed to live, and he had brought himself in. If she had failed to die and was thought to be crazy, and he had failed to live and was thought to be crazy, what was left for them?

She worried him. Since that conversation had begun, he had wanted nothing more than to talk to her again, to hear her voice, to watch her full lips form around each word, to hear what she thought and why she thought it, to know her. He wanted more. But for the last two days he hadn’t been able to be near her.

That Doctor Carl had some foolish notion that if they were together, one of them would really lose their mind and set the other off. But on the contrary, neither of them would do that. The Twister game had been the turning point in their tense acquaintanceship, and now nothing would be in their way of being civil towards each other.

But the damn doctors didn’t see it that way. They didn’t see beneath the surface- hell, they never did. Which was the reason he hated shrinks. They always thought they could analyze him, his emotions, his thoughts, when in reality, they didn’t know shit about him or anything he was.

He stifled a yawn and quickly removed his shirt. Throwing himself onto his bed, he quickly rolled over and shut his eyes. But it was another few hours before he would finally allow sleep to consume his frustrated and tired mind.

A light tap on his forehead woke him from his light sleep. Keeping his eyes shut, he felt he had only imagined it, and tried to fall back asleep. But another tap struck him, right between his eyes. Opening them, he looked up shocked to see none other than Serena hovering above him. He shot up and opened his mouth. Quickly her hand reached up and covered his mouth.

She handed him a shirt and beckoned for him to follow her. As he slipped out of bed to put on his shirt, he noticed she busied herself stuffing extra pillows beneath his sheets and covering them up so they looked like a body asleep. When she was done, she turned back around and pointed to the air conditioning vent that was on his ceiling. He noted that the vent covering was gone, and assumed they were going through it.

She stood on his bedside table and hoisted herself up, with a great deal effort, he noticed. He followed in suit, and put his years of training into motion as he silently followed her through the air ducts. He prayed she knew where she was going, but didn’t have to worry for long when they stopped and she began to unscrew the air vent below them.

Before she could jump down, he held his hand out to stop her. He slipped down, then reached up. She blushed and hesitated. He beckoned her again, and she took a deep breath and jumped. He caught her around her waist as she landed on her feet. Nodding him thanks, she grabbed his hand and began to tug at it. He saw the window, and knew what she was thinking.

They managed to escape into the courtyard through the window and run out into the gardens. Losing themselves in the twists and turns of the pathways, the two runaways hurried away, hoping that their flight would go unnoticed to anyone inside. Soon they reached the roses, and Serena slowed down, breathing hard and holding her hand to her heart.

“Hiiro, we need to stop.”

“Alright.” He nodded in agreement. He could see that she was having a hard time breathing, and wondered why. “Why don’t you sit down?”

She nodded and settled herself on the grass in-between two large bushes of red roses. Hiiro joined her, making sure to sit a bit of a distance away, not wishing to frighten her at the moment. They sat in the night air for nearly an hour, simply breathing and taking in the soft moonlight as it bathed them in pure bliss and warmth. Then he spoke.

“Why?”

“I don’t know.” She shrugged. “I just get so angry that those idiots in there think they know what’s best for me. As if they know that me not seeing you is going to magically cure me. What bull do they honestly think they’re going to pull on me?”

“I hate shrinks.”

“You turned yourself in to them.”

“I promised a friend I would after I lost my temper with him.”

“Did you hurt him?” She looked at him, semi-interested, semi-alarmed.

“Yes.” Serena watched his eyes cloud over.

“You said you were Perfect. What does that mean?”

“I had control over my emotions. I had hidden them. In fact, I believed I had purged myself of all emotions.”

“But you lost your temper, got angry, and beat your friend.”

“Hence the reason I lost my Perfection. I came here to get it back.”

“These doctors? They’ll tell you that you can’t be Perfect. They’ll tell you to let your emotions loose.”

“I know.”

“Don’t listen to them. Do whatever you want.”

“Why?”

“It’s your life, you chose the style you want to live. Or not live, as the case might be. They tell me anorexia bulimia is a mental illness. I beg to differ. It’s simply a lifestyle I chose to live. It’s my control, my Perfection.”

“But it was killing you.”

“And repressing emotions was killing you. I see no difference.” Hiiro sat quietly for a moment.

“Serena, look up at the stars.”

“They’re beautiful. I never looked much at the stars before, but you know something? If I could be anything in the universe, I would be a star.”

“Why’s that?”

“Stars are needed, people look to them for answers on everything from love lives, to wishes, to what else exists beyond our world. They seem to know everything, but like they don’t want to share.”

“But being a star must be very lonely.”

“I’m already lonely.”

“Are you that unhappy?” Hiiro frowned.

“You know, I really am. I haven’t been happy for a long time.”

“I’ve never been happy.” He confessed. Serena looked at him sharply.

“Are you happy now?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never been happy because I’ve tried to withhold the feeling. I don’t really know how it should feel.” They settled into silence again.

“Hiiro?”

“Hmm?”

“Tell me.” She whispered. “What do you think it’s like to die?”

“Why?”

“I’m tired. Humor me.”

“I think… I think dying is like…I think that when you die, you don’t realize what’s going on. That everything becomes blurry and spins in circles. You forget everything… and then you remember only what you thought was most important- family, friends, memories.

“I think maybe you feel so relieved of all the burdens that you had to carry during life that you feel like you can fly, but at the same time you feel heavy, like you’re drowning. Then, maybe a bright light will just… appear, and from there… only God can tell you.”

“Do you think suicide is a bad thing?”

“There is always another option. Whether the other option is worse than eternal damnation or not is up to you.”

“Are you scared to die?”

“When I was younger I was. Then I became part of the Wars, and my life became expandable. I wasn’t scared- in fact; I was more than willing to put myself at risk if I felt it was for the greater good of humanity. And fear is not an option the Perfect can often afford.”

“And now?”

“Why?”
“If I died Hiiro, if I killed myself right now, what would you say?”

“I would say nothing.”

“What would you do?”

“Kill myself to join you.” She shot up.

“You would kill yourself for me?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Hnn.”

“Kind of reminds me of Romeo and Juliet.”

“But we aren’t in love. Yet. And we aren’t dead. Yet. We can still change our decisions. Serena, is your life so terrible that you would honestly consider death?”

“The night before I came here I did. Didn’t anyone tell you why I they sent me here yet? I thought after I refused to answer you, you would have asked someone and found out.”

“No. I wanted to hear it from you.”

“So thoughtful of you.”

“Tell me?”

“Maybe.”

“Serena?” She sighed and reached up to let loose her hair. It tumbled down from its childish buns and pigtails, and he was suddenly struck with the thought that she was older than she appeared with them in.

“I was already having weight problems. I couldn’t convince myself I was thin enough. My Daddy had always called me his fat little piggy when he… But since then I’ve always wanted to be thin- if only to get away from my memories of him.” She took a deep, labored breath. “Anyway. That day I had had enough. I had just learned I was failing calculus and physics, and that plus an F on a history test had already put me in a bad mood.

“On my way home I met Darien, my boyfriend, on the street. But he wasn’t just a boyfriend to me. I loved him, deeply. But when I saw him, he was entangled in the arms of another woman. So I was too fat for his taste was I? I tried to confront him, but it didn’t end well. Looking back I think I must have been crazy to think I loved him. How many times had he beaten me, touched me, hurt me, and then made me feel like I was the one who was to blame for it all? I should have known better than to trust a man back then.” She gazed up at the stars, wishing she could forget the wretched memories. But she needed to tell someone- to tell Hiiro. So she continued on.

“When I finally made it home, I found my mother naked with some man who wasn’t my father. Again. Hell, looking back, I’m half surprised that I wasn’t raped by that man that night.”

“Raped?” Hiiro looked on in concern.

“It’s not like it had never happened before. Back home, it happened all too often.” Serena whispered. “I suppose I just snapped. I couldn’t live that way anymore. I was fat, ugly, stupid, unwanted and forgotten. So, I slipped a bottle of Excedrin and bottle of gin from the kitchen and just…well, I took seven of the pills. And then I drank. And drank. But I guess I didn’t take enough to knock me out or kill me, just make me violently sick. My mother walked in and saw what I had done, and right then she called the cops. They took me away, and when I woke up, I was here.”

“You tried suicide.”

“And failed. But then, I’m a failure at everything else, why shouldn’t I fail at dying too?” She snorted as tears slipped down her gaunt, pale, porcelain cheeks.

“You are not a failure. Serena, you’re a talented woman with a gift in art and painting. Not to mention gorgeous.” He felt his face cover in a vale of red, and her face too, became pink.

“You know, sometimes I think my mother didn’t really care that I took all those pills and drank that much. I think she just wanted to know I wouldn’t be able to tell my dad what I had seen her doing. Not that he was home enough for him to really give a damn.”

“Do you really think that?”

“Yes.”

“Then screw your mother.” The tense moment was broken by Serena’s faeryish laughter as it rang out among the roses in the courtyard.

“Hiiro. You’re the first man I haven’t been scared enough of to avoid.”

“You’re the first person who I’ve ever explained being Perfect to.”

“The way you explained death… it was beautiful.”

“Death is ugly.”

“Perhaps.” She closed her lips, as if to humor him with his answer and continue to think she was the right one.

“It’s getting late.” He told her, standing.

“And God-forbid we get caught out of bed.” She joked, standing as well. And they made their way in. *