Part 1
Dear Jay,
It's been a long time since I've written you a letter, I don't know why but I seem to be terribly bad at letter writing. How are you by the way? I'm good, considering well, the point of this letter.
You know me more than anyone on this earth, you're my brother almost and you know sometimes I don't have the balls to say things out loud, that I'm kind of quiet dare I say shy. I consider you one of the few people who I can truly talk to, to relate with and that you are always with me when I'm down. I trust you and love you. I don't know how you might take that if I said it to you face and I don't know if I can even believe in what I mean. If that made any sense I just really need to talk to you in a way I cant chicken out or make excuses for.
I wait for your reply, if you don't I'll understand why and never bring it up again.
Until then
I love you.
Amir D
Yours Truly
By ^0^After Midnight^0^
Part 2
Dear Amir,
When I received your letter, I don't really know how to explain how I felt, how I feel. I guess I was shocked but I guess it wouldn't have been right to not reply to you after what you had said. All I have to really say is that, I love you too Amir BUT, just not in the way you love me and now I feel so horrible for hurting you this way. Its not you, I consider you one of my best friends, a brother to me as well and one of the most beautiful person inside and out that I have ever had the pleasure to know. And I wish to know you for a little while longer.
I only hope you can find someone that loves you as much as you love me but unfortunately I can't be that someone for you. I need you to know that I WILL ALWAYS be there when ever you need someone to talk to, I trust you as you trust me. Baby I do worry about you sometimes, but you don't have to be alone forever, the band is always here for you and I'm sure if you where as honest with them as you were with me you'll find that you are truly loved. I hope someone out there will cherish you as much as we do.
I'm truly sorry we couldn't work something out.
Jay
Yours Truly
By ^0^After Midnight^0^
Part 3
Dear Jay
When I received your reply, my heart nearly stopped and then when I read it I started to cry. I understand that you love me but not in a deeper way then I hoped.
I know that I will always love you, I have for nearly a year now ever since Linda left me. I felt so rejected and alone; I've always been alone. Since my mother abandoned me, since my stepparents died, since my wife left me, since she took my son away.
In a funny way, I feel that even though you can't be with me, I don't feel abandoned by you.
After much though, I respect what you say. I understand.
Thank you.
Love...
Amir
Yours Truly
By ^0^After Midnight^0^
Part 4
Dear Amir
I always knew you could pull through because I know you're strong. That's the kind of person you are. You know if your feeling lonely, we're always here for you, I'm always here for you no matter what. I'm very concerned about you Amir, please come over to my place. Nobody needs to be alone.
You are not alone.
Jay
Yours Truly
By ^0^After Midnight^0^
Part 5
Three days after Amir received the letter from Jay and called ahead to say he was coming over. He looked at himself in the mirror checking his hair and makeup. Amir was going to seduce Jay he smiled at the though as he double-checked his outfit in his reflection, Amir was dressed to kill. His shirt was tight and easy to slip off and his jeans were a size that could have fit his son, he wore them low on his hips, Jay would turn to putty in his hands. He would finally have all that he wanted, Amir had nothing to lose and all to gain; He didn't have to be lonely anymore.
Yours Truly
By ^0^After Midnight^0^
Part 6
Jay placed the kettle in the sink and turned on the sink waiting for it to fill but his thoughts were elsewhere. He had growing concern for his friend; Amir he was in a delicate state ever since he came out that he loved Jay. Amir's life hadn't been easy and he had some issues but there was no one Jay respected more for being strong. The water from the kettle was pouring over his hands now and the doorbell was ringing, he was here, Jay tipped out the excess water and rushed to the door as he dried his hands on a tea towel.
"Hello Jay" Amir said as he stood in the doorway smiling at Jay. He didn't seem too depressed.
"Come in, I was just about to make some coffee. Would you like a cup?" Jay asked throwing the tea towel over his shoulder.
"No thanks" Amir said hugging Jay. Jay stood ridged as Amir let him out of his embrace.
"Do you want to talk Amir. Do you want to tell me something?" He looked at his shorter friend noticing his skimpy outfit as he sat down on the couch Jay's concern grew.
"Come sit with me then" Amir said seductively as he motioned Jay over to the empty part of the seat.
Jay sat down next to him and looked him straight in the eye about to say something before Amir cut him off.
"I need to tell you something that I've never told anyone before. Can you keep a secret Jay?" Amir's voice was quiet and serious.
"My lips are sealed" Jay said putting his finger up to his mouth.
"When I was 10, I lived in a foster home -not with the Davidson's- and the people I stayed with were awful. They hit me and- and one night, the old man came into my room and he raped me." Amir said hanging his head in shame.
"Oh 'Mir, I'm sorry" Jay said wrapping his arms around him. With his face smothered in Jay's shirt, Amir smiled. His plan was working magically and Amir slid his hand "innocently" on Jay's knee. Trying to embrace Jay a little deeper, Amir moved his body till he was sitting in his lap with his arms wrapped around his neck and head rested in the curve of Jay's neck.
Jay felt a little awkward having Amir hold him this way, it wasn't uncomfortable and he really did want to comfort his friend but this was border lining strange. "Mir, do you want to talk about it?" Jay asked.
"No, it's in the past for me now, you're here with me now." When Amir said this it freaked Jay out. He was really freaked out now.
"Mir…" Jay's words were cut off as Amir leaned in to kiss him - going from sitting on his lap to straddling him in 0.02 seconds trying to force his tongue into his mouth but Jay's lips where sealed.
Jay nearly threw Amir off his lap as he stood up and looked down at him, panting like a bitch in heat. "What the fuck was that Amir?" Jay yelled as he watched Amir slip his shirt off and smile.
"I know you want me. I know that you love me." Amir replied breathing heavily as Jay stood there like a stunned mullet.
"What? What the hell is wrong with you?" Jay was completely lost to his friends actions, his blind persistence, he felt sick with Amir's kiss.
"I - I don't want to be alone" Amir hung his head and bit his lip, so much for seduction. Maybe I'm not attractive enough? Am I that ugly? "No body loves me everybody hates me" Where the thoughts that streamed through his mind.
Jay calmed down slightly, a distant whistle as the kettle started to boil he sat down next to Amir and touched his shoulder lightly "Amir? Please if you want to talk, we'll talk but that's it okay? Do you understand?" Amir sat still, he has nothing now. I must be nothing now.
"Amir! Please could you just explain what's wrong?" he shook at his shoulder. A still moment as the kettle on the stove finally finished whistling. Jay looked straight at Amir waiting for response, Amir looked up and broke down and cried. Still alone.
Yours Truly
By ^0^After Midnight^0^
Part 7
Dear Jay,
I don't know what to say! I love you! I need you! Please don't leave me alone… I'm so afraid. I'm sorry I ran out like I did after… what happened.
Please don't leave me!
I'm alone and scared.
Love
Amir
Yours Truly
By ^0^After Midnight^0^
Part
Dear Amir,
You have nothing to be sorry about. I think I understand what's wrong now. I'm so relieved to hear from you I was getting worried. I love you too, just please understand I just can be with you in that way. Amir you need help.
I reassure you that YOU'RE NOT ALONE! I'm here, your son is here - and he's worried sick about you - all the band, Paige, Ryan, Bobby will always be there!
Do you understand? Somehow I don't think you do or ever will until you get proper help!
Please come over, Paige is staying at my place. Not that I don't trust you. I don't really know but we both can't be alone together.
Think about it.
Jay
Yours Truly
By ^0^After Midnight^0^
Part 9
Dear Jay
I think you're right. Maybe, I don't know. I need help. I guess that's a start, admitting that I have a problem and that I need help for it. I'll come over; maybe Paige can help too. I don't know.
Please help me
Still love you
Amir
Yours Truly
By ^0^After Midnight^0^
Part 10: Final
"Hey Paige!" Jay yelled from the kitchen
"What?" he replied hollering from the living room, he came bounding across the room holding a can of coke in his hand.
"Amir's coming today" He said solemnly.
"Today huh, are you sure about this?" He placed a cold sticky, yet comforting hand on Jay's shoulder.
"We have to speak to him, he's sick. I think he's obsessed with me and well I guess I'm afraid to be alone with him. He might get dangerous so I need to let him down as lightly as possible" Jay said anxiously
"I understand, it must be hard for the poor guy…" Paige was cut off by a ring at the door
Jay froze and stared a little scared at Paige. He ran his hand through his hair and took a deep breath and opened the door. Amir stood before him, wearing an old shirt and even older looking jeans, his hair was windblown and under his eyes his were dark lines from loss of sleep. He looked up at Jay for a second and then at the floor whispering something that was somewhere reminiscent of "Hi"
"'Mir, are you okay?" Jay asked, genuinely concerned with his friend.
"Yeah" He mumbled still starring at his shoes
"Come in" Jay said putting his hand on his back, feeling his muscles flinch under his touch.
Leading him into the living room, Paige sat on the couch with his coke in his hand, he put it down on the coffee table and looked up as they entered.
"Hello Amir" Paige said quietly as he hugged him tight, tiny bones poking his clothes Amir was thin and sickly.
"Hi…" He responded as he sat down on the couch, Jay and Paige to either sides of him. 'Maybe he likes Paige better than me?' Amir though silently
A few minutes of silence passed, Jay put his hand on Amir's shoulder.
"Amir, we need to talk" Jay said.
"Yeah I know" Amir replied.
"You need help" Jay continued, Amir hung his head low.
"Amir, I- we are all here for you no matter what. We all love you dearly, do you understand that?" Paige added.
"Yes" He said still not looking up.
"But the first step to helping yourself is admitting that you have a problem" Jay said, reaching for his hand and holding it tight. Another period of quiet, nobody said nothing.
"Mir, do you need a moment to think about this?" Paige asked innocently.
"Who are you to tell me what I need?" Amir snapped at Paige. Jay looked at him rather horrified.
Jay dropped his hands angrily and stood up. "I looks to me 'Mir that you don't want our help. Maybe you are better off alone. Who'd wanna be with you anyway?" he scolded.
"Jay really it isn't his fault!" Paige said in defense.
"No! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say that. I'm just tired. I'm sorry Paige. Please Jay don't leave!" Amir begged. Jay said nothing, staring down angrily at him.
"Jay, I need help" Amir continued breaking into sobbing. Paige consoled him and looked up at Jay.
"I have a problem" Amir wailed, Paige kept rocking him in his arms like a lost child.
Jay felt a twinge in his heart seeing his beautiful friend this way he sat down next to him and held him tight. Held him like he'd never let go.
Yours Truly
By ^0^After Midnight^0^
Part 11: Epilogue
4 Years Later
"Hey Mir! Guess what I found!" Jay hollered from the attic.
"What is it? Ryan don't you DARE put you feet up on the table!" Amir yelled from down stairs.
Climbing the stairs to the attic of Jay, Paige's, Ryan and Amir's share house. Amir was now going out with Ryan and having regular therapy, Jay was with Paige now, Amir didn't mind at all. Bobby and his family often stayed over; the house was always full. Amir sometimes giggled that he couldn't get any privacy sometimes, Jay laughed too.
Amir looked around the dusty old room and saw Jay crouched down under the low roof with an old shoebox in his hand.
"Look, it's your letters to me" Jay said handing them to Amir, he regarded them thoughtfully.
"What do you want me to do with these?" he asked.
Amir smiled and handed them back to Jay.
"Burn them" he said frankly.
Jay nodded and understood.
No body will ever be alone.
Truly!