JERRY: Tonight on the Jerry Springer show we have a particularly interesting episode! Paige is here to finally confess something to a long-time friend of his Jay. So everyone please put your hands together for Paige!
Jerry: Okay, now Paige you're here to talk about someone aren't you?
Paige: Yes.
Jerry: And what is this other persons name?
Paige: Ryan.
The crowd SQUEALS with delight.
Jerry: Okay, okay, well Ryan, is actually here tonight -
The crowd SQUEALS.
Jerry: But first we have a surprise for you Paige, because as it happens there is someone else here to see YOU! So let's bring out... Amir!
Paige: What the HELL!!!
Out of nowhere Paige pulls out a Sausage and Egg Mc Muffin. Amir reaches for the Coffee table. Out of the shadows Bobby appears.
Bobby: Wait everybody wait!
Jerry: Yes, everybody let's just calm down for a moment here. First tell us why you're here Amir.
Amir: Because I saw Paige and Bobby making out in MY Outhouse!
The crowd goes absolutely INSANE.
Bobby: That's a lie! I was home watching Cooking with Beer!
Jerry: (raising his hands) Hold on, hold on, I'm missing the problem here...what exactly IS the problem Amir?
Amir: Because I've recently been taking part in a sexual relationship with Jay who has recently become engaged to Bobby.
The crowd hollers, screams and whoops in an orchestra of orgasmic excitement.
Jerry: Okay, okay. Well why don't we bring Jay out here because Paige had something that they needed to tell them anyway about... Ryan that's right!
Jay: (enters onto stage and saunters over towards Paige) What's the deal? I saw you outside getting it on with Ryan! You know I'm how I feel about Ryan!.
Bobby: (screams) What? Why the hell did you ask me to marry you if you're in love with Ryan!
Jay: Because I knew that I could never have Ryan. But Paige promised me that they'd never hook up out of respect for my feelings!
Bobby: What about respect for MY feelings!
Amir walks suddenly across the stage, embracing Jay.
Amir: Don't worry baby, you don't need any of them now that you have me.
Again the crowd SQUEALS.
Bobby: Oh my God! Are you SICK!
Bobby runs across the room and wraps their arms around Paige tightly.
Bobby: Paige take me away from all of this!
Paige: You see? That's the thing...I'm...well, I'm married...
The crowd does its bit.
Bobby: Married?
Paige nods.
Bobby: Who the hell are you married to? When...when did this happen? I don't understand!
Paige: The other day. In Vegas. I'm married to Ryan.
Jay: (screaming) WHAT!!!
Jerry: (grinning widely, makes an enquiry) So...did you have a nice wedding night?
Ryan: (stepping back out onto center stage) Well we had sex 129834079339754013982341957123045729341702579820347623459873249871092309652734 times if that's what you mean.
The crowd squeals.
Jerry: Okay, okay. So let me get this all straight... Paige is married to Ryan who Jay has secretly been in love with for years and years. Now Jay has recently become engaged to Bobby who was recently spotted kissing Paige in Amir's Outhouse. Now on top of this Amir has just admitted to being in a sexual relationship with Jay.
Ryan: That's right Jerry.
Jerry: (looking sternly into the camera) It is times like these that one has to wonder, whether or not these people are aware that they are quite clinically insane. Perhaps we should be spending more on psychiatric health funds in this country, perhaps we should just ban Vegas to cut down on impulse marriages. Perhaps I should get a new job. Thanks for watching folks it's been great but for now...it's goodnight.
Queue cheesy background music and fade to black.