Like many of us, we have thoughts, ideas of things hidden deep within our mind. Dark secrets we keep to ourselves. And sometimes, just sometimes we keep them so well hidden, even we do not know they're there. In this case, this would be that place for Mattias. A place so well hidden from himself and others...that he would never dare to share them. So here I put them so that you, fellow Player, might know his most inner secrets...and possibly interpret them...
Just Whispers Amongst the Fold
Age of Innocense
My Sire
Shinobi
Monster
Lizzy
Valor
The World
........................................Forever Lost....
Should I miss it? My mortal time, my age of innocense? Maybe, and I guess I do, sometimes. I loved my life, then. Had decent enough parents, some well rounded siblings. Hell I even had a girl at my side one I was getting ready to purpose to. Yeah, it was good, euphoric even. One night and it all went...buh bye! No warning no traffic light, no nothing. In one instance I changed from the caring young lad I once was to a deranged killer. Deranged killer, please take a bow. Yes, that'd be me. Yeah, I loved my life, and when it was taken from me, I knew I could never have it back. Call me crazy, call me psychotic, but my logic was if I could not be a part of it...it would no longer exist. My mortal life was nothing but a lie anyways. Mean everyone's gotta remember hearing about the boogie man, and when ya got older realizing he wasn't real. But he was, oh yeah he was. Him and all the other fucking terrofying things someone could think of. I made sure to let my family and friends know exactly that as I dined on their shredded flesh. Nothing in this world is 'euphoric' only pain and death.....Death.....Shinobi thinks of me as nothing more than as that, Death, a walking massacre. I killed my parents, tore off their eyelids and made them watch as I raped my two sisters before slaughtering them like some local butcher. I made them lick my brothers wounds after I crushed his beautiful face in with a baseball bat. Part of me smiles reliving those moments, then again another part is just blank almost like I'm unsure how to feel. Maybe I am Death, but somewhere hidden there's this feeling of remorse and anger. Like I wish everything now was the nightmare, and I could just wake up and have everything be okay. Shit, I sound like a five year old. I can't have it though, so I figure by me being me...it just shouldn't exist. And now it's all gone, and I don't know what to do next.......
............and the over whelming Hunger...
That's the word right? Can't say I knew him really. Mean he never approached me until that night. Should I've dont things different? Maybe, but if I were to do it again, I'd of done it the same way.
Wonder if I wouldn't have been so crazed...if I woulda had let him live? Mean that's what it all comes down to in the end. Do you have what it takes? I'd say I do since I killed my 'creator' without a thought. Genius or stupidity? Who cares? I coulda claimed lack of sanity if I wanted to. If I were still mortal that is. I was terrified, furrious, yet my hunger over powered both. Guess the guy didn't expect it, and that's why he died. Looser.
My embrace. Damn. As close to my personal hell as I've gotten so far. Watching lots of my kind, I don't think I came out like the lot of 'em. The whole buriel thing's supposed to tear away at the human side of the new recruit. I got that. But well, think even most of this 'sabbat' side got more than I do, cause well mines pretty much annihilated. Is that good? Hell if I know, hell if I care. I'm pretty much just around for the ride now. See where it takes me...yeah....
...................All In The Name of Love...
She came saying she knew everything about me. Had been watching me. I wanted her soul, she's right about that. Only problem is, I still think she wants mine, and I do very much still want hers. But when she spoke, it was like the lights had finally been turned on. I didn't feel like I was walking in darkness, along paths I couldn't see...no, with her I knew who I was. She led me along, and I followed at her side like some dumb mutt. After a time she gave me back something I had forgotten...my conscience. Yet again I ask myself, is this a good thing? I'd say a definate no in this case. But what's done is done, and I can't do anything about it. And so I live on.
She means good, or bad, depending on how you look at it. But well...she doesn't have much in common sense. I don't either, but I would say I got more then her. At least I don't CLAIM to know it all. Yet, yet there's something about her. Something...I don't know. Something that keeps me connected with her. Mean, she's okay at times, but she gets in these moods...and those moods make her act different then she really is. She's scared of me too, she thinks I'll take her place one day. What can I say about that? If it happens, it happens. Whatever, don't care. Think what bugs me the most about her though is she does what she does, outta hate. Hate for...love, for beauty if that makes sense. It started out like that for me, yeah...but come one, move on. Get a life as some'd say.
The Monster, my little nickname for myself. That's what I am I guess, right. One of those horrifying things you tell your kids about to make sure they're good? Damn morons, if they only knew how real I was, I...we wouldn't be just a tale. Gah, I'm so tired of going over this. Must I do it again? ~Yes~ Goddamnit! It's not natural to hear voices in your head. Mean...you're not supposed to argue with yourself!
Okay, so there's me, the Monster, hello, nice to eat ya, mean meet ya. And I like chowing down on cute tasty virgins and leaving their shattered corpses on their parents beds. Ooooh, aren't I just so scary? Well wouldn't you know underneath all that there lays this little thing called a conscience. Thing Shin gave me during her 'training.' And when I'm all alone and no one's there to entertain me...my conscience slips on out and makes me feel like shit and I just want to tear my own brain out so I don't have to deal with it. I don't know what the hell makes me more afraid...me being the monster, or me having a conscience. But well, you don't know that. No one does...because I'm not WEAK I wont let my....
Oh fuck! Okay okay okay, give me a minute...here goes. I used to...way back in the day...have these dreams. And all I remembered about them was there was me...when I was mortal, and this other guy who looked like me but was completely evil. Guess that's me now, heh. I thought that was terrifying. Wonder what myself then woulda thought of the dreams I have now. See there's me as me. Then there's the person who's going to destroy me, and the fucked up thing is it's a mirror image of myself! Now you tell me what the FUCK that means! ~If I kn...~ SHUT UP!
It's not every day I dream. When I do, it's rarer still that I don't wake screaming....that damn dream. Mean it wasn't anything like the others. It seemed so real, eerily so. Almost like a long forgotten memory, but...
~~...the room was exquisite. Silver lined drapes, crystal chandiliers, everything radiated wealth, even down to the freshly polished red wood floor. The walls were lined with book cases, every subject imaginable lay on their shelves. Placed perfectly between the cases lay sculptures or paintings.
In the center of the room lay an oriental rug with two large leather chars and a glass table between them. Both chairs were currently filled. One with the most stunning creature I have yet to lay eyes on. Her brilliant green eyes were so alive. Soft blond curls cradled her flawless face. Her skin was a perfect golden tan....
And the other chair...held me. Had I taken a moment to tear my mezmerised gaze from the woman, I might have noticed my change in apparrel. Intead of my normal leather pants and jacket, I was wearing a red silk shirt, black slacks...and don't you know (of course I know, I'm you), shaddup. My hair was nicely done, not falling in my eyes like usual.
But I didn't notice, maybe I didn't care enough to be bothered. Either way I watched her, and I just knew I needed to watch myself. That this beauty, this angel could very easily send me to a very horrid and final death.
It was about that time I began to notice the soft words echoing about in my mind, "I watched you, hidden from your eyes by my viel of shadows..."
"You," I whispered, I couldn't help it...it just came out.
She said nothing, her face gave no hints. I knew what she was doing. She was judging me, but I had no clue why.
"I was with you even then..." Shinobi's words echoed in my mind again.
"Who are you?" I asked. Still no response...I wasn't yet worthy....~~
If I am the Monster, then Valor I guess would be the Dragon. I've heard a lot about the guy, from Shinobi and others. Mean he's almost legendary it's scary. I met him. He kept trying to get me to say something that'd upset him. Guess that didn't work though, but it wasn't like I was trying. Mean all I did was be honest with him. Yeah I look up to the guy, like a role model I guess. But I aint no pansy ass follower. And it seems like that's all the guy has. Don't get me wrong, that'd be cool, but sorry, not interested in being one.
He seems pretty cool though, layed back like me...but I could tell he's a force to be reckoned with. He seems to really like Shin, kinda a negative, but a bonus too. He really does seem to care for that...whats her face?...Elizabeth, his childe I guess. Weird that sire and childe can actually be close. But I guess I can't expect everyone to be the same, right? Anyways, yeah, guy's got major mojo. Strange thing though, he's the one who asked ME to go with him. Adopted me you could say. Cool, I guess...but I kinda liked being a loner. What's that saying? Such is life?
