My thoughts on Joshua? I hated him with a passion in the beginning. I loved him in the past. I believed myself his toy at one point. And I viewed our relationship as a game later.
But that was all before. Before he gave me that last and final kiss. I still care for him. I could probably even say I love him still. But don't dare think of me as some ignorant fool. I know who he is. I know what he's capable of. Though I'm no longer sure what he lacks. I'd love nothing more than to go back in time, and never leave his side. Maybe then things would be different. Than again, maybe not.
We are at battle, as we've always been. It's simply that the rules have changed a bit. I want nothing more than to save his soul. I want nothing more than for him to be the man he once was. But I know that it's close to impossible now. I have hope though, it's all one can truly have, really.
Till then, I shall try and keep those I can, safe from his grip. I've seen many fall to his ways. Even me.
But he scares me. Terrifies my very being. But still I love him. And I think that scares me more than anything...because that love, might very well bring me back to him, instead of him to me. My crime has always been...that I cared too much. And that I wasn't there when he needed me most.
He blames me for what he is, at least in words. I try and deny that fact, saying we create our own fate. We are responsible for our own actions. But I sense he knows I feel the same as the words he speaks. My only prayer, is that I can help make things right. Or find someone who can....even if it means his final death, and the death of the evil he brought with him.
But even when I say that, I don't speak the truth. That's a part of it, yes. But there's also a part of me that would love to run into his awaiting arms and be done with everthing I have cared so much. To be free from the chains of emotion. To no longer care about being damned or righteous. To no longer care about such 'petty' human feelings. I fear that, very much so. But I also see it as a means to an end...
I feel very much like I'm following in my sire's steps. And I feel that one day I will be just like him. I can only guess that this is the reason I have chosen to sire. In hopes that one of my chylder will be strong enough to fight the temptations. That together they can stand united...and never feel alone.
Which brings me to Angela....Angela, the girlfriend of Jadenloche. I can't say I know I did it to piss Joshua off. But I do know I did it in hopes of bringing their family more into this battle. Though I honestly wonder if I would have done it...had I known he would disapprove. Part of me says yes, in spite. While another side already wishes I hadn't. And yet again, I think two works better than one. And without Angela, Lorina would eventually be alone. Something that I wouldn't wish on anyone, for I have lived it long enough.
And yes, I said alone. I only have so long on this world, a year to teach, a year to train. A year to make these two into the best they can be. And unless something dramatic changes that, when that year has ended, I will be no more. Either my body will disintigrate, or I will have fallen to what may very well be my fate...once more, being at my creator's side. Either way, only time will tell...and either way, what I am now, will cease to be.
