05/04/02 1:00 P.M.
I'm finally off-grounded. Not that I've done much of anything interesting. Worked on my webpage yesterday. It's so great to be back online. Then I tried to call a bunch of people, see if anyone wanted to do anything. Everyone either had plans, wasn't home, or couldn't do anything. Danyelle had called earlier in the day. We were supposed to go shopping and then see Spiderman. (opening night) But her mom bailed on us 15 minutes before we were supposed to go. Such is life. Talked to Brian for about 10 minutes yesterday. I was upset at the time that I didn't get to talk him much. But then I got to thinking. What's the point, anyway? I can't rely on him to keep me from being bored. Just cause I don't get to talk to him doesn't make it the end of the world. IF nothing else, he'll be there at school Monday to talk to. I won't let myself become obsessed with something. Really, the only reason I ever got obsessed in the first place is because I had absolutely nothing better to do. So, I tried to make myself believe things that weren't there. I became obsessed with my own fantasy of what life should be like. All because I was bored and too lazy to do anything else. So, I guess I created a pretty little life for myself instead of actually trying to help myself out of the mess I was in. Sure, I still think I loved him, but when he wasn't around, I became infatuated with something that was a complete illusion, just to waste time, in fun. I lived out what I wanted inside of my mind, and then I expected reality to be just as nice. But of course, it wasn't. Come to think of it, I don't live in reality at all. The decisions I make are based on the reality in my head. And the reality in my head is fabricated around what I want. Instead of looking at the world and observing what it really is, I see only what i want to. I see only the things that fit my purposes. God, what a sad existence. And I'm only now starting to realize. So, there is a world outside of my own. How do I make the owrld within the same as the world without? Is that even possible? So I guess I just need to observe how it works, then I can figure out how to make the proper decisions inside of me to affect it. Cause at the moment, I don't think I'm really living. I'm just reacting. Wow, that's scary. I really am a mindless drone. At least on the outside, that's how I appear to the intelligent world. Back to the drawing board, then. I have to turn myself into something productive. SOmething that thinks about things, plans things, and then acts on them. Sure, I think about things, but normally it's things that don't really matter to my existence. And isn't that what is most important? (existence) I can't survive if I don't know what i"m up against. So what am I up against? I'm up against the world at large. I have my well-being to look out for. I not only have to make myself into something I think can survive, but I also have to be able to adapt. Those who can't change never learn from their mistakes; and if you can't learn, then why the hell are you here? So that's it, then, isn't it? Existence. That's the only thing I can prove for certain exists. LOL. Existence exists. No, I exist. I exist because I"m not dead. To ensure that I don't die, I must survive. That is where everything begins. They must survive. So, then, what are emotions? Are they just reactions? Hormones, of course. But what purpose do they serve to survival? What in the hell do anger, love, hatred, sadness, jealousy, happiness, etc have to do with ensuring that I survive? They only regulate how I will react to something. (If I let my emotions control me). So, are they a weakness? Feelings. Does how I feel about something determine how I will act? Why do I act on what I feel instead of what I know? Maybe that's what being impulsive means. So, to be less impulsive, I have to base my decisions on facts that I know instead of what i want or feel. That basically means I have to ignore my emotions. And if I ignore them, then what purpose do they serve? Say that there is a soul. How does that fit in all of this? Does it determine what I think or what I feel? It would tie in to my brain, I'm assuming. So it would have something to do with the mind and not the body. Now, all emotions are hormones. And hormones are physical. They are regulated by a gland in the brain. THoughts are regulated by the brain. They're electrical impulses. OKay, so a soul would have either nothing or everything to do with this depending on if it's actually even there. If it was, it would connect to the brain somehow. And if the theory of a soul holds true, it would control the brain. Either that, or the very idea of a soul is simply another function of the brain that we haven't yet discovered. An electrical signal of some sort. As for if it lingers after death, who knows? Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't. If it does, then there is an afterlife. If it doesn't, then I cease to exist, I no longer have anymore purpose, I die. If I can't prove that there is an afterlife, then all I have is now. I have my decisions, I have me. I have what I choose to have. (witin reasonable limitations) So, I'm alive. I've established this. There's nothing threatening my existence at the moment, so what's next on the list of life priorities? Comfort. I need to feel safe. Physically and emotionally. I guess how I feel about something means how it affects my comfort-level. So, is that emotions? As far as I can tell, that's what an emotion is. It's meant to help our reactions to ensure survival, even if they don't always work that way. So, aside from survival, I need to be comfortable. Is pure comfort happiness? Is that what we're all striving for? Pure comfort? So, what do we strive for? Well, love. We strive for money, possessions, friends, sex, physical gratification of all sorts. I think maybe society tries to make us think we need all of these things. When really, they are only essential to what we want (what makes us comfortable), not what we need (survival). I'm missing something with all of these theories. Something still isn't quite right. Maybe it's just because I've been basing life on my comfort-level. Sure, we shouldn't ignore it. But if I ignore survival, and pay attention only to what I want, I will die. I want love, I don't need it. Procreation isn't essential to my survival, only to the survival of the species. Giving in to instincts is just plain stupid. IT shows that I can't calculate. INstincts just enforce reations. Wait, but isn't all of this just a reaction. THoughts are reactions to things I perceive through senses, and aren't thoughts the basis for who I am? Am I just a reaction? Yes, of course. How egotistical of me. I've been saying I exist. But there are billions of people who also exist. I am not the center of the universe, and neither are they. We co-exist. We all react. I think I've just contradicted myself. I'd better stop writing now before I lose track of my ideas and end up confusing myself. Bye for now.
05/05/02 10:07 P.M.
I went to a concert at Ear-x-tacy last night. Christiansen played. This girl, Tabitha, went with me and stayed the night. She's a lot of fun. I just got out of the bathtub. Talked to Brian on the phone, but I don't think he knew I was taking a bath. Well, he called and said "We need to talk." Famous last words. Of course, it didn't phase me too much. I'd been expecting this. So, I played along and said, "About what?" And he said, "About us." I still stayed pretty cheerful. It's amazing what affects a bubblebath can have on my attitude. Well, he basically said that he wasn't quite ready for a relationship and had only said he would go out with me because he was listening to his dick and not his head. Nice way to put it, Brian! Well, he was trying to figure out if he liked me for me or for my looks. He still doesn't know. So, he asked if we could postpone this until he figures it out. Sure, I'll postpone my heart for ya, Brian. Well, I'm not really that upset. And he's so relieved. I'm just happy that he was honest with me. NOw, I just have to keep myself from getting sad. Am I really that pretty that someone could like me solely for my looks? That's so hard to believe. I hope he likes me for my personality, too. It would be very heartbreaking if he didn't. But I can't think about that right now. I'm not going to worry about what he decides. I'll just live.
