Best of Professor Connie:

Not a Slut

Dear Professor Connie:

I have been a fan of yours for months, but have never before had the courage to write in to you. Now, however, a crisis has taken place that has me shaken, and in desperate need of your advice. I'm 17, and my boyfriend of two years is 49. We have been blissfully happy the entire time we've been together, but now there is a problem. You see, he has three children from his previous marriage, two boys and a girl, ages 28, 25, and 23, respectively. His family doesn't know about me, even though we plan to marry as soon as I turn eighteen, this August. I recently met a young man at a sorority party, which I attended with my older sister, 21. Suffice to say, we were both drunk, one thing led to another, and we had unprotected sex that night. That was two months ago. I recently discovered that I am pregnant, and I know for certain that that young man is the father. He has kept in touch with me, and even offered to marry me when he found out about the baby. The problem—he's my boyfriend's youngest son! Neither of them knows what the other is in my life, and I don't know how to break the news to either of them! Both seem very eager to marry me as soon as I turn 18, but I just don't know who to choose, or if either of them will be so eager once they find out my relationship with the other. I never slept with my boyfriend, as I insisted I was waiting for marriage. I was deeply in love with my boyfriend before all this happened, but after that party, I began falling for his son, the father of my unborn baby. What should I do? Should I tell the truth now, risking all, or just choose between them, and let the truth come out later? I'm so confused!

Signed,

Not A Slut

Detroit, Michigan

Dear Not A Slut,

I am a firm believer in the existence of true love. Some may call me a romantic fool, since I have not found this kind of love myself, yet, but I believe that love is a very real, and very powerful force. I also believe in the proverb "love conquers all," because, in my experience, it always has. If either of these men truly loves you, he will stick by you despite your relationship with the other. Although I cannot tell you whom to choose, as that is something you must decide for yourself, I can give you some guidelines for your choice.

I am, you should know, also an advocate that you should always tell the truth, as it saves you so much trouble in the end. That is what you should do here. Tell each man, when you are alone with him, not in the presence of the other, and in person, NOT over the phone, the truth. He will probably be shocked, probably angry, too. That is a natural reaction. However, after you have told him, see what his reaction is in a few days. After having time to think it over, if he truly loves you, he will understand what it is that you're saying, and will forgive you any transgressions on your part. If, however, he is still angry at you, it is safe to say that he does not truly love you.

It is a hard decision to make, I know. Time versus intensity. You are afraid that your new love has had two short of a time to test its strength, whereas the other has passed the test of time. Do not delude yourself, however. Read the letter from Not A Lesbian. Her letter proves that even twenty years is not enough time to prove that you love someone. My best advice to you in this situation is to tell the truth, and see what happens. If neither is willing to understand or forgive you for what you have done, then I must say that neither is worth your time or grief either.

If that is the case, then you must concern yourself with what is the best for you and for your unborn child. From your tone, It sounds as if you truly love this child. I suggest that if neither man wants you after you have told them the truth, then you should consider the option of raising this child on your own. And don't forget that you have friends and family to support you in your time of need. If you are uncomfortable telling your parents, then tell your sister for a start, and your girlfriends, one by one. The story will get easier with each telling, until you work up enough courage to tell those who really matter. And I believe that they love you, and will be willing to give you whatever support you require in your time of need.

Please don't forget to tell me how this all turns out, my dear girl.

Love,

Professor Connie

A letter I received several months later:

Dear Professor Connie,

Hi, it's me. Remember, Not a Slut from Detroit? Well, you asked to know how things turned out … so I'm going to tell you exactly what happened after I took your advice.

I was incredibly nervous, seeing as this is a very hard situation to be in. So, I decided, what do I have to lose, like you always say, honesty is the best policy. So I sucked in my breath, and went to my boyfriend, and told the truth.

Suffice it to say that, right after I told him, he stared at me blankly for a moment, and then he was furious. How dare I, he said, especially after I had told him that I wanted to wait for marriage, and then I went off and slept with his son. He said that he never wanted to see me again. So I left.

Then I went and told my baby's daddy. He, too, was furious, just like his father. He called me a homewrecker, since it was because of me that his parents got divorced. He even questioned the fact that the child might be his; he thought that I might be carrying a another man's child. He also said that he never wanted to see me again. So I left.

Then, I was kind of dejected, thinking about how I should never have followed your advice, but then I realized that if this is what happened now, it probably would have been

worse later, after the fact. So I decided to continue taking your advice, and began to look into the options that I would have as a single mother.

I told my sister and my parents, and though they were a little shocked, and perhaps a little disappointed in me, too, they said that their love for me was unconditional, and that they would support me no matter what I chose to do, whether it be abortion, adoption, or raising the child as a single mother.

They helped me thoroughly research the topic, and I found it a very worthwhile and educating search, and I decided that, of all my options, I wanted to raise my baby, because I already knew that, no matter how its father or grandfather felt towards me, I loved the baby with all my heart.

However, after about a week, I got a call from my ex-boyfriend. He told me that he was sorry, and that he had overreacted, and that what we had had for two years meant more to him, and, after all, it was his own grandchild. He said that he still loved me, and still wanted to marry me as soon as I turned 18, in August. I told him that I was no longer sure whether or not I wished to be married. After all, if other women can raise children on their own, then I, with the whole-hearted support of my friends and family, could surely do the same. His reaction to this, however, was to say that he would woo me, and would try his hardest not to take no for an answer.

The same day, just a few minutes later, the father of my unborn child called. He also told me that he had overreacted, and that he still loved me and wanted to be a father to our child, and that the things he had said had been said under the influence of the anger of the moment. He had not truly meant them. I told him the same thing that I had told his father, that I was not sure if I even wanted to be married. His response was the same as his father's: He would woo me until he dropped from exhaustion.

It was quite a fascination, to be the object of contention between father and son. And their relationship in that manner showed up in many forms; they would come at the same time of day, quite by accident of course, and growl at each other, each saying that HE would be the one to win my hand in marriage. Each would send a bouquet of a dozen red roses, until my house was filled to bursting with offerings of flowers. They both bought me expensive jewelry, and took me out to expensive restaurants—did I mention that they are a family of wealthy business tycoons?—and soon my head was spinning from all this attention that they gave me.

But my heart … my heart knew exactly what it wanted. So, after two weeks of enduring this, I finally put a stop to the contest of wooing, by saying that I would, indeed, wed one of them, the only one that I could in good conscious wed—the father of my child.

We have set up plans to marry this August, on my 18th birthday, August 18th. We are blissfully happy right now, planning both the marriage and for the baby, and my ex-boyfriend seems to be taking it very well. I am very glad now that I never slept with him—that would have complicated matters that much more, and made the choice much harder. After all, wouldn't it be awkward to marry the son of a man you slept with, and also to bear the grandchild of a man you slept with? I am very thankful that I didn't. And I am thankful, too, that I took your advice, Professor Connie. It turned out exactly as you said it would! I am so very happy now. I will give you more updates in the future, and you should know that you are welcome at our house any time, and I would also like to invite you to the wedding, and the baby shower, and all other celebrations that will be held, etc.

Thank you for all your wonderful advice,

Not a Slut.

Yet another letter I received, over a year later, from this wonderful young woman:

Hi Professor Connie!

It’s me again, yeah, that’s right, Not a Slut! Well, I’m writing to you because my first year anniversary is coming up, and my happiness now is all thanks to you, and your wonderful advice!

My baby was born last November, and she is so sweet, and I love her so much! My husband and I are blissfully happy, and we actually get to have sleep because we hired a nanny who works nights, and takes care of the baby whenever she cries. We named her Connie Lynn, after you, Professor Connie! Connie Lynn Guss. And she never would have been born into such happiness if you hadn’t helped me out with your wonderful advice.

Thank you, Professor Connie!

Love,

Mrs. Guss

Not a Slut

Detroit, Michigan

PS You’re still welcome over at our house anytime! Stop by when you’re in Detroit!