What if....?

Final Fantasy 7, 8 and 9 came together to make a story.

Once upon a time there was a prince named Squall. He liked to go around cutting things in two.

: ARGH! Beware, or I'll cut you in two!

We can't have a story like this without a beautiful princess either. Her name was Quistis.

: Oh dear. Here we go again. Squall, honey, STOP CUTTING EVERYTHING IN TWO!

Oh, sorry, we forgot to tell that the beautiful princess also was a teacher. Hey, don't look at us like that! They lived in a poor kingdom! Now, as the story proceed the age-old legend about the Wicked Witch of Timber turned out to be true.

: Mwhahahaha! Bow for me or lose your head for I am the Wicked Witch of Timber.

Squall, the princess and other members of the castle of Balamb came together to discuss what to do about this treat to the kingdom.

: I'll cut her in two!!!!

: No, no, no. There shall be no more cutting on your behalf. Prince Squall, go to your room!

said his wise mother Edea.

: ::mumbles something bad then whispers:: I'll cut you in two too.

Prince Squall left the room.

: But something needs to be done!

said the cheery royal musician Selphie Tilmitt.

: Yes indeed it does.

said the lovely royal flower girl, Aeris. (Yes, we know what you're thinking, what an unnecessary job, but she was being kept there for one reason and one reason only. The mighty Sephiroth, ex-warrior, had a crush on her.)

: Well spoken, my cheré.

: ::giggles::

: Ahem! Could we please get this meeting over with? I have to walk my dog!

: Yes! And I need to get back to whatever it is I'm doing!

: That would be being my lovely girlfriend. ::Takes a bite of his burger:: Cupcake. ::Thinks about what he just said:: Mmm... cupcakes...

: Hey! I thought you were my girlfriend!

: ::Giggles nervously::

: What about what we shared on the last mission we had together then? Hell, what about what we've shared on all of the missions we've been at!?

: Reno, man... if I had only known I wouldn't have... I'm sorry, dude.

: Sorry about WHAT exactly?

: ::Giggles some more::

: Pumpkin ::Stops for a second:: Mmm.... pumpkins. What are these men talking about?

: ::laughs nervously:: N-n-nothing.

: Oh, okay then. ::Takes another bite of the hamburger:: Mmm... hamburger.

: Good people of Balamb, please. We have to make a plan of how to rescue our beloved country from the Wicked Witch of Timber.

: I say we cut her in two! The little weird fella with the strange sword is right! Kill the witch! Kill the witch! Hey, how did you have time to change already?

: I'm a woman of many talents. But seriously, Seph, don't force us to lock you in too.

: But I am the mighty Sephiroth. No doors can hold me captured! ::Starts singing:: I'm Sephiroth, Sephiroth the mighty. Roaming through the country-side, doesn't need a place to hide. I'm Sephiroth, Sephiroth the mighty. Everybody loves him, everybody wants him. Sephiroth, Sephiroth the mighty....

: ::Coughs:: Rip-off ::Coughs::

: Who said that!?!

: Don't look at me.

: Alright, but did you see how did it?

: No.

: Ah, damn!

Alllllllll-right, that was pretty pointless. But what the inhabitants of Balamb did realize (After 3 hours of fighting) was that they would send for the two heroes Cloud and Zidane. They arrived shortly the next morning.

: This should be it. *Huff-puff* Man, I'm tired. *Huff-puff* We should really stop running everywhere.

: But that's what heroes do. Now, just look at my great Omni Slash!

: Errr... that's the Cross Slash, but whatever you say.

: Say I'm the leader!

: No way! I am!

: No, I am!

: I AM!

: Are not! I AM!

& : I AM! I AM! I AM! I AM! I AM!

Quistis walks out to welcome the two heroes, along with Squall.

: Welcome. You must be Cloud and Zidane. I am princess Quistis.

& : ::Hearts appear instead of eyes::

: I hope we didn't catch you guys at a bad time, but we desperately need your help. You see, our beautiful country is under attack from the Wicked Witch of Timber.

: Not at all, princess. We are...

: ...always willing to help a beautiful girl out of trouble.

: ::Hits Zidane in the head:: That was my line! You stole it!

: I saw that! You're both trying to hit on my Quistis! I'll cut you in two! And now I have a better sword! Now I'll cut you in FOUR!

: Squall, please. They are only trying to be sweet, and they are, but sorry guys, I'm with Cutter here.

, & : CUTTER!?!

: ::Rolls eyes:: You Squall.

: Oh. ::Is proud::

: So, princess, what can we do for you?

: Well, you can take with you my best men and go out and destroy the Wicked Witch of Timber.

: I don't mean to be rude, princess, but does this witch have a name?

: Oh sure, her name is Rinoa, but the Wicked Witch of Timer sounds much scarier.

: I agree. So, are there any babes here? Besides you I mean?

Tifa, Aeris, Garnet, Selphie, Ellone, Elena, Lucrecia and Siren walks into the garden.

: Oh look! Cute guys!

& : ::Drools:: Hubba hubba!

: ::Goes over to Cloud:: Hi, who are you? Care for a drink?

: Ehhh...

: (To Quistis) Hey, what do you call this one?

: That's Cloud. One of our heroes.

: I see. Can I keep him?

: I don't see why not.

: Thanks. You're the best bestfriend ever!

: What about me then? Who wants to keep me?

: Who do you want then? We are like an overload of girls here so take a pick.

: ::Looks at Aeris:: This one!

: Sorry. Taken.

Mysteriously, Sephiroth appears.

: That's right! Baby! Where did you get that dress!?

: ::Giggles:: Oh Sephiroth, you notice everything. Now let's go some place and be bad.

: Aww, that's not fair. Well then I'll choose... this one! ::Looks at Elena::

: No way! You see, I'm in a bit of a jam. I love this guy called Reno, but I'm dating his best friend Rude cause that way he'll notice me, but he's, Reno that is, is all over this girl called Garnet, but she's a major slut and sleeps with absolutely everybody, it doesn't even have to be human. Now, I think Reno likes me too, but I'm not sure and I think Rude's starting to suspect something going on between us, which it doesn't, but a girl can hope, right? You should just see Reno, he's soooo cute, I really think I love...

: I've changed my mind, I want her instead! ::Points wildly at Lucrecia::

: Me? You actually want me? Wow, that's never happened before. I mean, I'm like the most supportive of all supportive characters there is and the only one who's ever paid any attention to me before is ::Lovingly sigh:: Vincent so I think I'm gonna stay with him.

: YES! Score! She loves me!

: ::Turns towards Quistis:: I thought you said I could have any girl I wanted.

: As long as they are single. But maybe I should have warned you first. Almost every FF girl is taken.

: Grrr... there's gotta be one left for me. I'm the hero god damn it! And I've made up my mind, I want this girl, no matter what she or anyone else says! ::Goes over to Siren:: Hi there.

: ::Sings her beautiful (?) song:: Aaaaaaaaaa........

: He he he, finally. A girl all to myself. Princess, I'm ready to start the mission! Can I bring any Guardian Forces?

: You can bring your girlfriend.

: Okay... let's... WHAT!?

: She's a Guardian Force.

: Ah crap! Well, it doesn't matter. Do you have anyone else?

: You can take these. ::Throws him a bunch of crystals::

: Which ones are these then...

: I'm Carbuncle

: I'm Irfit

: I'm Leviathan

: Oh goodie! Cloud, let's go!

: Mmm... in a sec, okay?

: Cloud, what are you...

Zidane goes over only to find Cloud eagerly kissing Tifa.

: Oh man! We go now!

: Alright then. Later, sweetheart.

: ::Giggles:: That's Lockhart!

And finally, after lots of unnecessary talking, the two heroes are on their way to find and kill the Wicked Witch of Timber. Oh yeah, that's right, Squall's here too. His plan is to cut the Witch in two.

: Argh, where is she? I'll cut her in two! Argh! Argh!

: What's wrong with this guy anyway?

: I'm not sure, but I think his mother didn't love him enough as a child.

: Yeah well, I can't blame her, but it's we who have to pay for it. Where does this freakin' witch live? We've walked for hours!

: Didn't you listen to what Quistis said? She thinks she's a fairy godmother or so, so you just have to call her name and she will appear.

: ::Is too mad to say anything that would make sense:: &%)/?=)&%&#¤!&()/?)&#¤!¤#&%/&%(

: What?

: ::Ignores him:: Rinoa, Rinoa, where art thou, please help us before we run to the... loo. ::Gets a look from Zidane:: I couldn't think of anything else!

: You should have said before we cut you in two.

: Wow, listen. Inbreeding boy said something smart! Let's have a par-ty!

: Not so fast, morons. First you must face the wrath of the Wicked Witch of Timber! Mwhahahahaha!

: Where? I can't see her anywhere!

: There! Better now? I was just trying out an alternative costume.

: Yeah, much better. Now you've got that whole 'witch' thing working for ya!

: ARGH! I'll cut you in two! AAAAAAAARGH!

: ::Stops his attack with a simple hand motion:: Freeze, freak. What are you guys doing here anyway? Looking for me?

: Yeah, we were supposed to kill you, but now that we know you...

: Quiet, fool! He he he, what my friend here means is... he he he, we really like your dress!

: I see. Where are you from?

: Balamb.

: Are there many cute guys there? Being a Wicked Witch gets a little lonely after a while.

: Oh there are tons of cute guys. In fact, I know a guy that is just dying to me you.

: Is it true?

: Oh yeah, if you would just give up this witch business and come with us...

: Alright! ::Says a spell and all her powers are gone::

: Better?

: Much better. Now you look like a regular babe.

: ::Giggles::

So the two heroes and the ex-witch went home to Balamb and when Squall could move again, he ran after the other to catch up.

: Did I get her? Did I get her? Hey, who's the babe?

Finally back home in Balamb, the prince and princess decides to throw a party to celebrate that the Wicked Witch is dead, or at least gone. The couples line up, but Zidane is a little disappointed in his choice all of a sudden. She can't freakin' dance! But all's well that ends well and after dumping Siren, he asks Garnet to dance and, no surprise here, she's willing. The Wicked Wit...erm, sorry, Rinoa, is a little disappointed as well, cause it turns out her crush is...

: He he he, Miss Heartilly, I hope you understand.... he he he, that I would never ever do anything... and that my age won't be a problem in the long run... he he he, but I hope we will be very happy together.... he he he.

But she's dealing. Cloud and Tifa lived happily ever after, but what proved to be a problem was Cloud's taste in clothes.

: Tifa, darling, do you like this color? Or should I get the pink one? Honey? Tifa? ......Honey?

Squall finally got over his cutting obsession and the prince and princess still live peacefully together in the little land of Balamb.

: This just turned out perfect or what, beloved?

: I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit!

: Sigh.

The End