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04766
mail.me?
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>From: *********************
....>To: *******************
....>Subject: hey
....>Date: Wed, 5 Feb 2003 16:03:34 EST >
....>were you in school today? cuz i didnt see you anywhere and i have ur cds cuz >you left them in *****s car. yea ive been really depressed lately..i hate >it..its like i just cant be happy..when one good thing happens..something >equally bad or worse has to happen and its always something i just cant >ignore so it depresses me..i fucking hate it..thanx for letting
....im sick :( i feel like shit..i wish everything could just go >away.. anyways i hope your alright and i'll ttyl >
....>Love always,
....>G*******
....dear G*******...
....ive had a lot of experience with depression.... i still do. its very hard to understand... ...um.... seems to me that there are three different kinds of depression.
....1. in one, you make a concious decision to give into some existentialist philosophy that life is meaningless. this gets you nowhere. i advise you to avoid it. while it is possible for people to have meaningless lives, Life itself is not meaningless, and despairing over the fucked up state of the world will only make it more fucked up.
....i have decided, many times, that life is just shit and were all going to die and everything is bullshit...but this just doesnt get you anywhere,...because its all about perception. the world is not coming to an end.
....ive said before that "life is meaningless". but what does it mean for life to have meaning? life means different things to different people. to some people it means money. to some people it means sufferering. to some people it means hitting the town in their convertibles to pick up girls and drug themselves to death. to some people life is charity and activism and social change. the meaning of life is whatever you make it. the meaning of life is all in your perception...its a deep deep question.... but there always IS meaning....life is too big and complicated to be here for no reason.
....its like weve been given this beautiful tattered golden gift.....its not perfect.....but its not meaningless. saying its meaningless is like saying that it was given to us for no reason...that theres nothing good we can do with it.
....2. in between the first and third forms of depression is depression over specific events....such as a death in the family or the loss of a girl/boy friend or husband etc.
....people deserve a lot more mourning time than society actually gives them; ...like if you arent over the death of your wife in two months then you MUST be clinically depressed. but on the other hand...there is a point where youve been mourning so long that you have gradually phased into the first form of depression.... which is the existentialist bullshit all over again.
....((but then on the other hand ive gotten depressed without actually believing that life is meaningless. so model ive created doesnt really work in all cases... because sometimes the meaning of life is precisely what depresses people....but i dont know what the meaning of life is.....so i am making no sense. ))
....3. then on the other hand theres this other thing that happens...where you are seized by this indescribable emptiness. you feel like your eyes are made of plastic. you feel like your skeleton is made of erektor sets. its my worst depressive state. i gave up the existentialist thing a long time ago because i realized it was all bullshit...but theres more to happiness then making a concious decision that you are going to smile. it has to come from inside you in its own time...it has to bloom.
....but its very frustrating...because for some people it just refuses to bloom...like theyre too cold inside and whatever warmth they have just cant get thru their shell....everyones all neurotic and freezing to death inside. and it wont bloom.....its like having tons of sex and never being able to have an orgasm... you just get more and more frustrated the more sex you have. lol...its an odd analogy but it works....or its like studying something for years and years...but none of it registers...you forget it all or you just cant comprehend it or it just doesnt come together no matter how hard you study....nothing blooms...and you feel so cold...
....supposedly this is the biological shit where the brain is messed up. i dont know if thats it...maybe it is.
....but ive realized that in time it passes....espescially if you take a nap. S**** suggested that to me when i was fucked up over A****...i thought he was joking...but i eventually realized that hes right...you wake up completely different than you were when you went to sleep. but then lots of people have insomnia. i have that problem a lot, because i have too much to think about .
....the concept behind meditation is the same concept thats behind sleep...if you just force your brain to slow down....and if you just stop thinking for a while... everything balances out...
....i want everyone to come as they are. i want everyone to do their thing and stop hiding from each other... but who am i to say that though...i talk about people behind their backs. god i wish i could stop doing that.
....***** some people want more than anything to get back to childhood innocence, but not everyone. me for example: my childhood sucked...i wouldnt go back for a million dollars. its different for everybody. thats why its so fucking hard for rockstars to write anthems. they keep going on about "my generation" and weve been thru this and weve done this and weve been doing that. we we we we we... until the whole idea of your own private personal unique experience just dissolves beneath everyones desperate attempt to find some sort of brotherhood.
....korn for example, is constantly trying to give us some sort of anthem that we can rally around....but most kids just dont really want to listen anymore... and i cant say i want to either. jon davis is a pop star, whether he admits it or not...and hes somehow disconnected from us... but at least hes done a better job of anthem writing then fred durst... with his predictably titled song "my generation": "we just dont give a fuck and we wont ever give a fuck until you give a fuck about me and my generation. you you take the blame. you take the blame and i take the blame."....and it sounds nice but it just doesnt really work....or maybe it does for some people and not for others. its just the same problem again though...hes a pop star... hes so disconnected from us by his bank account that its hard to really listen to him.
....QUEENS OF THE STONE AGE LYRICS
...."No One Knows" [Verse 1:] We get some rules to follow That and this, these and those No one knows We get these pills to swallow How they stick in your throat Taste like gold Oh what you do to me No one knows
....[Chorus:] I realize you’re mine Indeed a fool am I
....[Verse 2:] I journey through the desert Of the mind with no hope I follow I drift along the ocean Dead lifeboat in the sun And come undone Pleasantly caving in I come undone
....[Chorus:] Heaven smiles above me What a gift here below But no one knows The Gift you give to me No one knows
....?home?
