I wish I could get a new journal for every time my mind decides to rape itself and then bleed to death in a horrific scene, only be knownst to me. I've poured to many really cool stickers into this journal id rather not waste them. Although it seems every time I open one, I am running from what I fear most, my past. Could I truly shoot the faithful dog that wags its tail behind me that is my past? the thought of unloading a few rounds into that bastard does excite me. Sweet memories of pain, abuse and hate, pouring from a childs eyes.......sometimes I think about that.

how would i kill it?

can i?

do i want to?

will i?

on a saner note:

no news to report. Corey's leaving at the end of the week, along with Jackie :(.

actually, I can say this: today i felt young again. i went to beau's today. amazing isn't it. he played some sepultura songs on his guitar and we watched a lil TV, while i flipped through his People magazines. He's got a girl friend now. am i happy? yea, its good that Beaus meeting new people. yet i don't want him to leave me, or have i left him? damn.

oh well

hes going to see APC and i told him i wanna go so when he buys his ticket I'm going with him.

nothing more.

I think I like to torture myself sometimes. like when you know if you touch something,it will burn, and it will hurt, and it will scar, and you touch it anyway. torture. maybe I'm just a sadist {*super sadist*} so when Megan asked me to go with to Mc Kinley for choir bullshit, I said yes, knowing FULL WELL what it'd bring. But i went back to the place I hate. not hate, demise. not demise, loath. I went back, kicking and screaming all the way.

i must mention the only students in the school were their for choir, it was a teacher workday, and I'm not a student there anymore. for the first hour i got the usual "I hardly recognized you! no more glasses huh! why though? glasses were your thing thing!" ok now normal id be like yea! no more glasses!, but I'm pissed about it now. am i a fucking pair of glasses? am i daria, is my whole personality based apon a pair of glasses?!?

i couldn't go back to Mc Kinley without seeing "our" {mine and shannans} "places". the library is still the same, new magazines though. you'd think if I was going to one place in that school, it would be the library, and that place would make me wanna cry. nope! its Mr Ks hallway. our private lunches...... i talk about shannan like shes dead......in a way she is. i don't know, i don't know about anything anymore. mr h. finally showed up, so i chatted with him for like a hour. I had alot of fun, and i realized how much i miss Mr H. so we talked and we rode around the room on those lil scoter things, until megan showed up, and we left.

i miss my 8th grade. that was the last grain of childhood, or innocence I had. the last tiny little drop. what am i now? does it even matter anymore?