2002
2002
the blindfold
a new day
unloved
trust in me
medieval city
conversation with depression
the lady
back
the blindfold
we beg and we cry
for an answer to the lie
the lie that we are special
the lie that we are loved
the world has turned its back
once again we are alone.
never to see what they see
a world of wonder and joy
we have been blindfolded
but the cloth used is our own mind
who will help us fight it?
who will take it off?
no surgery can remove it
worse than a malign tumor
leeching the host of vitality
comatose we will lie
on a bed of misery
depressed we will die
without knowing the truth.
a new day
we sit and we burn
we scream for that which we yearn
a love so perfect
a love so true
to hear someone say
i'm in love with you
perhaps it's all just a lie
alone we will die
drowning in meloncholy
slowly wasting away
but we must look on to tomorrow
towards the hopes of a new day
unloved
what remains when the body is dead on the inside?
what is there left in this world, when you cannot appreciate its beauty?
how can i love, when my heart is cold?
there is no love within me
it is a cold stone.
all that this body does now, is loathe
for i cannot love even myself.
the entity that is me, is the being i most despise.
wrap its head around a noose
that is what my soul desires
an end to this suffering
an end to this deprivation.
no one can live without love they say;
you must love yourself to love others.
i disagree.
i loathe this vessel of life, more than anyone could ever fathom
i've tried to destroy it before
and i will try again.
no pleas will stop me the next time
no warnings will be given
i am sick of this emptiness
it is leading me to my grave
unloved and unwanted i've been made to feel for so many years
unloved and unwanted shall i depart.
trust in me
no more disillusions
no more nightmares that remain during waking hours
this it the end, my friend
an end to the damnation
an end to suffering
won't you follow my lead?
it is a path many have chosen
a path for which i see you yearn
it's in your eyes
a dim flame, almost extinguished.
it's in your eyes.
i know you want it.
it is within your grasp.
take my hand my child.
TRUST IN ME AND FALL AS WELL
medieval city
watch the city lie in ruins
where did all the people go?
desolation echoes
the city walls sing songs of sorrow:
"we fought but could not win the battle
the enemy swords pierced our hearts
our peaceful city died today."
a small village no one cared for
too remote to be saved
unimportant to the empire
innocent people died today.
there was no knight in shining armor
no masked hero with a sword
only peasants bearing pitchforks
defending their families and homeland.
the soldiers ravaged the city
slew without prejudice or remorse
the city's streets are a mortuary
the walkways are paved in innocent blood
the body of an infant
lies at the gates.
conversation with depression
close my eyes and it doesn't go away
open them and all is still the same
that's because you are crazy my girl
did you not notice i choose you?
only one as special as you is that sadistic
you relish your misery, don't you?
no! no! no! go away!
i do not want this!
i do not chose this!
i constantly think of suicide
how simple..how...peace, alone, quiet...
end this torment--oblivion--beauty
come now, my dear girl
i feed you this pain
yet you still remain on this planet
does not a part of you need it?
never.
happiness is the absence of depression
i am one of the unprivileged
i am not allowed to feel a peace of mind
many speak of it, preach it
it is so easy for them
can they fathom this pain?
can any human being tolerate it?
i do not know
do you want ot ask one of the normal people?
do you think they can fathom it
or will they tell you it is all in your head
it's not as bad as you make it sound?
no, they will label me a freak all over again
born a freak of nature
i try to escape the infalliable
pitiful. despondent. desperate.
i love the way i am making you feel
it thrills me to know that i am winning
come to me my dear child
i am your master
never! i will not succumb to you
you are a demon within my mind
i will find a way to fight you
perhaps not always alone, but i will fight
giving up is not an option.
suicide is not an option.
i would withstand the most horrendous torture
than to become another statistic
another of your nameless victims
really? do you really believe that?
yes. i believe it. i have to believe it
it is what gets me through the days
unconsciously sometimes, but the unconscious is mysterious
it works while our mind is on other things
tell me then, dearest child of mine...
...the scars on your arms?
the scars are from cutting
making me feel
you steal feeling from me
it is my way of taking it back
...the burns on your arms?
the burns are from matches and cigarettes
when someone took away the other devices i used
i turned to burning myself
same effect--temporary vitality, temporary relief
...the plans in your head?
the plans...oh the plans
i've been thinking, yes
dare i risk the pills again?
do i desire deeply enough to die
to risk drinking a charcoal mixture
the other plans
the blade, the bridge, the water?
should my plans be foiled by someone who notices?
to see the pain on the faces of the ones i care about?
at the time, nothing matters but dying
then why not do it?
because in the end, they do matter
i cannot abandon them
a friend does not desert another friend in times of need
at their times of need, i listen
they hear me in my times too
although i do not speak, they hear the unsaid
they see the unhappiness
only wanting to find words
to put a smile upon my face
it is all the reward they ask for
they remind me of why i fight you demon
friendship is more powerful than depression
love is greater than evil
you would love to think that wouldn't you?
but you are sadly disillusioned
are you implying that i am evil?
if you are, you must be evil as well
as i am a part of you
that would explain those "visions" of yours
psychotic episode you say?
no dear child, not an episode
but a way of life
after all, you are crazy
no, it would not explain the hallucinations
i am not crazy
and i am not evil
i am not evil because i am capable of love
i am not crazy because i am capable of rational thought
i admit, i second-guess myself at times
but i am getting through it
you thought the bleeding arm and skeleton would push me over the edge?
despicable demon!
you have never known friendship
and what lengths people will go to help those they care for
you bore me with your foolishness
is that really waht you live for?
yes. friends are worth living for, and worth dying for
i chose either, but will not wield the knife myself
and the verdict is...?
i chose life with all its pain and beauty
i chose happiness, but the beauty of nature will suffice
i chose to be rid of you, but fighting you will do
i chose not to have suicidal thoughts,
but having friends to help me through those times is sufficient
i chose love, and nothing you attempt to do
will ever take away the love i have in my heart.
the lady
she stands there, a wisp of a woman
bathed in white, glowing with innocence
she beckons me towards her
i reach out to take her pale hand
but she pulls away from me and disappears.
where did that beautiful angel go?
i close my eyes, let my heart lead me on
mylegs carrying me to a destination unknown.
i closed my eyes with the vision of the embodiment of beauty,
only to open them to extreme suffering and pain.
i am not in hell...what place is this?
there cannot be more suffering than this in hell
it's unplausible.
what place is this filled with sadness?
i search this place for the angelic woman
all around me, i see the faces filled with pain
why was i led here?
i search the faces for a sign of life
their eyes vacant and unresponsive.
i look around and realize
this is the place where fallen souls dwell
when they feel that they are dead to the world;
when they choose to take their own life
--this is pergatory.
i close my eyes as they fill with tears
so hopelessly lost amongst these fallen souls
all of them aimlessly wandering
all of them without a glimmer of hope
i feel my heart pouring out in my tears
wishing i could teach them about hope.
the elegant angel approaches me
she rests her hand on my shoulder
leaning down, softly whispering to me,
"i show you this to save you
they cannot be saved, they've sealed their fate
but your fate is in your hands, my child
embrace life or death, it is your choice."
i look up at her
her face radiant--with life, i realize
their faces are dead
they've forfeited life and happiness
i realize that true beauty is radiated through life.
i smile at her eternally thankful
she has shown me that ending life does not end suffering
it guarantee's it for eternity
the way one live's life
is the way one will live for eternity.
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