The Things We Do For Love,
Part Four
Robyn
I cried all the way back from the airport - not just a sob here and there, but really weeping. Granted it was partially because I hated to see AJ go, but the main reason was the huge feeling of rejection that and taken a hold of me and wouldn’t let go. AJ had rejected me, rejected all my work. After all I had put myself through he had never said a word about all the weight I’d lost. I mean, I was no Calista Flockhart, but I could wear a size 12 now. That was a big difference...wasn’t it? As I drove I couldn’t help but question all the progress I thought I’d made. Maybe there wasn’t that much of a difference at all. That was a hard thought to process. Really hard.
Carey was on her way out the door as I was coming in. I was embarrassed to be caught blubbering so much. I had hoped she’d be gone. “Robyn!” she exclaimed. “Are you OK?”
“Yeah,” I managed, forcing a smile. “Just doing that silly girlfriend thing.”
“Aw,” she said sympathetically, giving me a quick hug. “Go have some Ben and Jerry’s and we’ll talk later, OK?” I nodded and she left. I flopped onto the couch and flipped on the TV, hoping my comfort show would be on.
“Ernie, please, let me change out of this ridiculous costume,” I heard and stopped channel surfing. Sesame Street. God only knew why but I loved it. My stomach growled, something it rarely did anymore seeing as how I was always hungry.
“Fuck it,” I muttered, marching to the kitchen. I was hungry, I was going to eat. I grabbed everything that looked appealing in the pantry and returned to the couch. If my boyfriend didn’t care, why should I? I closed my eyes and took a slow, savoring bite of an Oreo cookie. It tasted like heaven. Quickly I abandoned savoring things and began shoving food into my mouth mercilessly. I couldn’t even taste what I was chewing. But then, suddenly, I stopped.
“Oh God, what am I doing?” I wailed. I sprinted down the hall to the bathroom, practically ramming my hand down my throat. Soon the retching started and I threw up, over and over until I felt lightheaded. I sat down on the floor and rested my head against the porcelain of the toilet. Tears came to my eyes again as music from the TV wafted in.
“It’s not easy bein’ green...”
* * * * * *
“Hello?”
“Hey Rob, how was Loverboy’s visit?”
It was Laina. “Good. We had fun.”
“You sound depressed.”
“I am, I guess. A little.”
“Cheer up girl,” Laina drawled. “Hey, did AJ mention the awards?”
“Yeah, he asked me to go.”
“Well of course. You are going, aren’t you?”
“Unfortunately.”
“Please, stay calm.”
“I’m trying.”
“It’ll be fun. I’m gonna go let you go wallow in your boy-missin’ for awhile, call me when the Robyn i know and love is back, all right?”
I smiled a little. “OK.” We said our goodbyes and I turned off the phone, dropping it next to me on the bed. I’d laid down after that episode in the bathroom, trying to think. I knew AJ wasn’t rejecting me. After a lot of thought I’d finally figured out that his lack of mentioning anything about my weight loss was meant to serve as encouragement. He was happy with what I’d done but was maybe afraid that I’d stop if he started complimenting me now. It made sense to me - no doubt AJ had heard and seen all the commotion about me and hoped that I would take action. The awards would be a shot at redemption that I would be ready for. I’d look so different no one would notice me. Sitting up with new resolve I began exercising, pushing myself harder than I had before.
* * * * * *
Two weeks later I was checking “my” homepage, the “We Hate Robyn Hayes” site. There were all sorts of updates since I had last visited a week ago. I laughed over particularly colorful descriptions of me, printing one or two, then headed to my photo gallery (and what do you know, the picture of AJ and I from the airport had made it there). Finally I checked the message board. BoneDriven@hotmail.com had a good number of responses to a message she had posted two weeks ago:
A friend of mine saw Robyn and AJ together at a restaurant here yesterday. She followed Robyn to the bathroom and thought she heard gagging coming from her stall. Think she’s bulemic?
Now of course I knew that no one had been in the bathroom when I had thrown up, but I (“BoneDriven” - AJ would’ve died had he ever found out that the other email address I had shared reference with him and Bush), wanted to get the fans’ reactions to my new lifestyle. Almost all that responded hoped I was bulemic, “for AJ’s sake”. I laughed to myself again as I finished the apple next to me. I killed the next fifteen minutes exercising, then staggered to the bathroom dizzily.
First getting rid of my apple, I stepped on to the scale. The needle steadied at 120. In two months I had lost 40 pounds. I examined my reflection next. The circles under my eyes were dark and I was pale. I laid my hand on my stomach, elated to feel it was flat. Reaching into the cabinet I grabbed the bottle of diuretics that had become my new best friend. Popping several I went to exercise some more til I felt their effects. I’d read that vomiting didn’t get rid of everything in your system, so for the past two weeks I’d been taking diuretics as my little way of trying to cheat Mother Nature.
After a half hour of ab crunches I felt my lower half contract. I ran to the bathroom and emptied what little had made it to my bowels.Afterwards I gripped the counter. Standing had brought on a severe dizzy spell - they were pretty common lately but this one was refusing to pass.
“I’m home!” I heard Carey call. “Robyn, you here?”
I took a deep breath to answer her, but all that did was bring spots before my eyes. I decided to go say hi in person instead. I reached out to open the door...but the sight of my hand reaching for the knob was the last thing I saw before everything went black.
AJ
I flashed Howie a quizzical glance. “You mean you actually let this girl almost convince you that she was your cousin?”
Howie shrugged helplessly. “Hispanic families are huge, there are probably dozens of people I’m realted to I’ve never met. She sounded really sincere on the phone.”
“Sincere maybe, but the fact that she sounded fifteen didn’t give you a clue, huh?”
“I’m sure in the dozens there are one or two teenagers,” he tried weakly. Just then my cel phone rang.
“You’re an idiot,” I declared before turning it on. “Hello?”
“Um, is this AJ McLean?” an uncertain female voice asked.
I covered the mouthpiece. “Hold on, I might have one of my long-lost cousins here,” I whispered to Howie with a grin. He made a face at me. “Yes this is, who’s this?” I asked in return of the caller.
“This is Carey, Robyn’s roommate.”
“Oh, hey...uh, what’s up?” I asked, confused as to why she would call.
“Something’s happened and I wanted to call you as soon as I could.”
My heart began racing. “What’s wrong?”
“Robyn’s in the hospital,” she said quietly. I stood up and walked to a quiet corner of the room as the words echoed in my brain.
“Why, what’s the matter with her? What happened?” I demanded, trying to stay calm.
“I got home earlier this afternoon and just as I called out to her I heard something in the bathroom. I ran to see if she was OK and she was collapsed on the floor. I called 911 and tried to wake her up but I couldn’t do it. The paramedics managed to when they got here but she was really weak and shaky.”
“God...God, is she OK now? I mean, do they know what happened? Have they done any tests?”
I heard Carey take a deep breath. “No one’s sure yet. I guess she’s been filtering in and out of consciousness all afternoon. Right now the only definites they have are that she’s severely malnourished and dehydrated.”
“Malnourished?” I repeated, unsure of why that would be the diagnosis for a moment, then nearly collapsing myself once I figured out what that meant.
“Yeah. We’ll know more once she’s more conscious, she can-”
“Carey? I’m sorry, I don’t mean to interrupt but I’m coming out there,” I told her, making a split second decision.
“Can you?”
“There’s no question, I will. I’ve gotta go make some arrangements but I’m getting a flight out of here as soon as possible.”
“OK, good. But AJ, you need to stop by the apartment first,” she instructed. “Do you want me to pick you up from the airport?”
“Yeah, I’ll call you,” I told her, already distracted. A moment later I hung up and Howie shot me a look from across the room.
“Go find the guys, now, I’ll meet you back here in five minutes.” He nodded, looking confused but not questioning me. I ran off to find my mom. She was talking with some of the crew but as soon as she saw my face she excused herself and came over.
“Alex, what’s the matter?” she questioned. Helplessly I put my arms around her.
“It just got bad, Mom,” I whispered. “Really bad.”
Part Five
