The Things We Do For Love,
Part One
Robyn
I sighed. "I do not want to do this, why is he making me do this?" I muttered repeatedly as my reflection stared back at me. She was wondering the same thing, and the agonized look on her face told me she felt my pain.
"Robyn? You ready?" The Instigator's voice came from outside the door.
"Emotionally or physically?" I asked in response.
"Preferrably physically, but both'd be even better."
"Yeah right. You'll be lucky if you get one."
"Robyn, baby, come on. We're gonna be late."
"AJ, why? Why are you making me do this?" I wailed.
"Because I love you."
I smiled to myself despite my agony. "That's not an acceptable answer!"
"Robyn, I'll be back in five minutes, then we really have to go, OK?" I refused to answer. "I'm taking that as a yes. I'll be back."
I sighed again. Why, why had I agreed to this? I studied my reflection again. I had managed to tame my short, copper-colored hair into a curled-under style accented by a small silver barrette. I wore a long, simple black gown with half sleeves and around my neck was a silver chain and pendant AJ had given me. My ears glittered with the seven tiny rhinestones that graced each of my piercings.
But none of that glitz hid the fact that I was fat.
Oh sure, you could say overweight, or big-boned, or heavy, but to me all of those were just long words that meant exactly the same thing. I wasn't huge, but I wasn't skinny by any means, and I wasn't one of those gorgeous fat girls either - you know, the ones that would be supermodels if not for that extra 30 pounds. I was pretty when I tried. That was about all the credit I could give myself.
It was still amazing to me that AJ and I had ever gotten together. We had met at a coffeehouse - I was a regular but he had come in on a whim. It was an open mike night and I had fallen in love with the poem he'd read. We quickly got to be friends but slowly got to be more. We had been a couple for nearly six months now. We didn't get to spend a whole lot of time together so naturally no one had really seen us together. That was sort of the purpose of tonight.
AJ had said in interviews that he had a girlfriend, and he wanted the world to finally see who this girl was. So, hed invited me out to Los Angeles to spend a week with him and attend this awards show. At first I was thrilled by the whole idea, but the more I thought about it the more nervous I got. I didn't fit that "celebrity girlfriend" mold. I was just Average Jane - more like Plus Size Jane. I knew how cruel people could be about who the guys chose to date. I wasn't some beauty they had to nitpick at to find fault. I was a walking fault.
All too soon came another knock. "Robin, honey, we gotta go."
"Do we really have to?"
I heard him sigh. "Can I come in?"
"You have a key."
A moment later the door opened and there stood AJ, looking fantastic. He gave a once-over and smiled. "You look gorgeous," he said softly.
"I look like a whale," I moaned. He came over and took my hands.
"I would not date a 'whale'. You really look great. You ready to go?"
"Um, no?" I looked at him hopefully.
"It'll be fun, I promise...besides, the limo's gonna leave soo," he said, pulling me towards the door.
"A-J," I cried as we entered the hallway. Kevin stood there with his long-time girlfriend Melissa. Both turned to look at me.
Kevin grinned. "You look great, Robyn."
"Are you kidding? She looks beautiful," Melissa proclaimed, coming to hug me. I knew they were just trying to ease my nerves, but their generous praise helped...some.
"Thanks," I said, my voice weaker than usual. AJ squeezed my hand as we proceded to the elevator.
"I promise this is the last time I'll ask, but is it absolutely crucial we go to this?" I whispered desperately. AJ looked into my eyes.
"Baby, if you really don't want to do this we'll stay here," he said, touching my cheek. I was so tempted to take the out, but I knew how much this meant to him and shook my head.
"No, I'll be OK," I ruled. He grinned and kissed me.
"That's my girl!"
Melissa patted my shoulder sympathetically. "The first time out is always hard," she said knowingly. I nodded but couldn't help but think that her first time couldn't have been this bad - after all, Melissa was a model, for goodness' sake.
The rest of the guys were waiting around downstairs in the hotel's lobby. Brian and Howie whistled at me and Howie grinned. I smiled appreciatively, suspecting AJ put them up to it, and we followed security out to two waiting limousines. Brian's girlfriend Laina flashed me a thumbs up as we went out the doors. I wished we could have ridden together, but AJ and I were sharing a limo with Kevin, Melissa and Howie. Laina was definitely the one I was closest with out of the entire group, having actually been acquaintances in high school, and I knew that she would somehow be able to calm my nerves some.
AJ and the rest of my limo-mates chatted a mile a minute as we drove but I was too distraught to talk. I just stared straight ahead of me as my mind churned. I didn't usually have a problem being in front of people, but this was different. Millions of people would be looking at me, passing judgements. I couldn't see how the guys or their girlfriends could do this so calmly time after time. When I finally refocused Howie, from right across from me, was waving his hand in front of me and smiling.
"You are so out of it," he declared.
I blinked a few times and smiled. "Sorry. I'm just really nervous, which I'm sure is obvious."
Soon the limo began slowing down, eventually stopping, and my stomach managed to tie itself into yet another knot. Suddenly AJ laughed.
"Baby, if you looked anymore thrilled to be with me I won't take you up the carpet - people might think I beat you," he teased. I looked at him quickly.
"Is that a promise? I can look more upset, just give me a minute," I said. Kevin chuckled. Melissa reached over and rested a hand on my knee.
"Just remember, Robyn - no matter what anyone may think or say, you are the only one with AJ," she stated firmly.
AJ nodded in agreement and kissed me. "Absolutely. Let's get this show on the road."
I nodded too and tried to look confident. Even if I wasn't ready it was too late now. AJ took my hand as the door was opened. Immediately it seemed a million flashs went off. I took a deep breath and stepped out of the limousine.
AJ
Robyn's grip was like a vise on my hand as she stepped out of the car. I pulled my hand out of hers as gently as I could and tucked my arm around her waist instead, half afraid she'd faint. This screaming mass of people was old hat for me. For her, this was a completely new experience.
I knew Robyn was extremely self conscious about the way she looked. I couldn't see why - I mean sure, she wasn't bone thin with long blonde hair, but even before I fell for her I thought she was really cute, not to mention a genuinely kick-ass person. She was beautiful in all the ways that mattered - something that took me a long time to understand and find in someone. I knew she was also petrified about how people would respond to her. In a way I was too. People could be heartless and I didn't want her feelings hurt by some insensitive jerk.
I scanned the crowd, watching for their response. For a moment it was quiet, as it always was when one of us showed up with someone. I led Robyn slowly up the carpet as the screaming and yelling started again. Flsahes went off as I waved. A reporter rushed over, calling my name, so I smiled at him.
"AJ! AJ McLean of the Backstreet Boys," he said heartily as if he had known me for years.
"The one and only," I replied, pulling Robyn a little closer.
"So who's this with you?"
I grinned. "This is my beautiful girlfriend Robyn," I told him. Robyn smiled, looking a little dazed.
"Ah, I see," he mused.
I heard my name being called a few feet away so with a quick goodbye I made my way down the line. With every interview I noticed something that seriously irritated me. I had brought girls to these things before, the typical "beautiful people" girls, and reporters had always fawned over them. With Robyn, though...they just seemed less interested somehow. Of course she didn't notice, but I did.
The last person I talked to before we entered the theater was from MTV. She was another one of their fledgling veejays but I'd be damned if I knew her name.
"Hey AJ, what's up?" she greeted, then adding, "AJ McLean of the Backstreet Boys," for the benefit of the camera.
"How ya doin'?" I asked in response, pasting on a cheesy smile.
"Awesome, awesome. So are you psyched for the show tonight?"
"Oh hell yeah, a lot of great artists are performing and are nominated."
"Present company definitely included," she said, smiling in a way that let on she damned Top 40 radio and all it encompassed.
"Of course," I joked. She looked at Robyn critically.
"This a friend of yours?"
"A very good friend," I clarified, kissing Robyn's forehead and making her smile. The veejay raised her brows.
"Really?"
"Absolutely."
"Are you excited for tonight?" she asked, shoving her microphone in Robyn's face. I could see she'd been caught off guard.
"Um yeah, yeah definitely," she said quickly.
"Bet you don't get to these too often," the veejay said, laughing. Robyn smiled uncertainly.
"No, not really..."
"C'mon," I said to her quietly, leading her inside as I flashed a very fake smile at the veejay. I was livid but tried not to show it - who the fuck did that girl think she was? We milled around briefly, talking to random people, then joined the rest of the guys and sat down.
"You OK?" I asked Robyn. She tried to smile brightly but I could tell she was bothered. "You sure?" I pressed.
Robyn started to nod, then looked at me. "What was that girl from MTV talking about?"
"What do you mean?" I wondered, knowing full well what she was asking.
"What did she mean, she bet I didn't get to these things too often?" she explained. I rolled my eyes.
"She's an idiot, who knows what she's talking about," I dismissed, although it infuriated me. Robyn smiled but I knew she was still thinking about it. I leaned over and kissed her. "Do you know you're the most gorgeous woman in this entire room?" I whispered. Robyn softly laughed and took my hand. * * * * * *
"AJ! Come in here!" Robyn called. I was in the bathroom shaving, so I wandered out to check out what she was so excited about. "Look, they're recapping the awards on MTV," she said, sitting cross-legged on our bed and looking like a little girl dazzled by a new toy.
"Can't miss your first time in the spotlight, huh?" I teased.
"The only time I was ever on TV was when they'd broadcast school stuff on public access," she told me, gluing her eyes to the screen. Celebrity after celebrity went by, and suddenly there we were. Robyn squealed, then moaned. "I look awful!" she cried. I hit her playfully.
"Shut up."
The short interview played, but as we walked away the veejay flashed a pained look at the camera. As Kevin and Melissa replaced us I felt that rage come back. "You are so lovely - you're looking gorgeous!" the veejay gushed. Melissa beamed.
"Thank you!"
The interview continued with Kevin, but I sat down on the bed, resting a hand on Robyn's shoulder. She was as still as stone.
"You OK?" I asked gently. She jumped a little and turned to face me. She smiled faintly but the twinkle in her eye that accompanied her genuine smiles was missing.
"Uh huh, sure," she said brightly. "Wow, Melissa's just as pretty on TV as she is in person, huh?"
I shrugged. "I guess." Robyn shot me a look.
"Come on, don't tell me you didn't notice," she scoffed.
"What? That she's pretty?" Robyn nodded. "Yeah, so, she's pretty." I turned off the TV. Come on, let's go do something," I urged. Robyn stared into space. "Robyn? Come on."
She stared for a second longer then got up. I wanted to get her mind off the whole thing...her mind and mine, too.
Robyn
The rest of the week with AJ was both wonderful and awful. When we were alone or just with the Backstreet posse everything was great. Every time AJ and I were anywhere in public I felt all these critical eyes were on me and I could almost hear the comments and snickers. AJ said I was crazy but deep down I wondered if he was the slightest bit self conscious to be seen with me.
Laina and I took the flight back to Orlando together. As she sat staring out the window with her headphones on I was thinking over my whole so-called paranoia.
"Laina," I said, patting her arm. She jerked and clamped her hand over her mouth.
"You just scared the living daylights out of me!" she whispered frantically as she pulled her headphones back.
"I'm sorry, I just wanted to talk to you."
"About what?."
"About...me. Laina, am I ugly?"
Laina laughed. "What?"
"I'm serious. Do you think I'm ugly? Be honest."
"No Robyn, I do not think you're ugly. I think you're quite pretty."
"Are you just saying that?"
Laina flashed me a quizzical look. "Why are you freaking out about this?"
"I don't know, I just am."
Laina shook her head. "I don't get you sometimes," she said with a smile. I smiled too and put my head back, still thinking.* * * * * *
"ROBYN!"
I jerked awake at the sound of my roommate Carey calling my name.
"Robyn come out here!"
Reaching blindly for my glasses I managed to stagger out into the kitchen. "What?" I asked sleepily, leaning against the wall for support. Carey, of course, was wide awake.
"You and AJ are in People!" she announced, holding up the magazine. My eyes opened wider.
"What?" I repeated loudly.
"You and AJ, there's a picture of you two from the awards in here," she explained, handing me the magazine. "Page fourteen," she added.
"What'd it say?" I asked as I nervously flipped to the page.
"Um..." Carey laughed. "I don't know, I just saw the picture and freaked out."
I reached the page and there we were, taking up most of the upper left corner. We were both smiling widely, AJ with his arms wrapped around me. I smiled reflexively, then my eyes moved to the caption.
"'Move over Monica - AJ McLean of the Backstreet Boys was seen at the American Music Awards with a portly pepperpot of his own, new girlfriend Robyn Hayes'," I read quietly. My heart stopped beating for a minute and I looked up to see Carey staring at me with her mouth hanging open. All was silent.
"It doesn't really say that, Rob...right?" she finally asked. I nodded numbly, handed her the magazine and sat slowly in a kitchen chair. Carey joined me at the table a second later.
"Robyn," she said, touching my hand, "don't get upset about this. These editors, they're ignorant and mean and...and wrong! Wrong most of all!"
"No, in a way they're right. I mean, look at me, Car - I don't weigh ninety pounds here."
"But you're a beautiful girl, a wonderful person...and AJ loves you to death. Who cares if you're not thin as a rail?"
"Me. I always have." I rested my head on my arms.
"Robyn, don't let them get to you, OK?" Carey soothed, looking at me. I barely heard her. They already had gotten to me, I knew this was only a start. People would keep getting to me til I did something. My mind was swirling with thoughts, some horrible thoughts and ideas that I hadn't had since I was fifteen. I tried to force those down and think rationally. I didn't want this to go on - it couldn't go on, especially for AJ's sake. I needed to act. Take matters into my own hands.
"OK," I finally answered Carey, smiling. She smiled too, satisfied.
"Good. I'm starving, I think I'm going to make some pancakes for breakfast - can I get you anything?" she offered as she walked to the pantry.
"No, thanks, I'm fine," I replied.
And easy as that, it began.
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