“Thank you for coming,” he said, giving the reporters his close-mouthed, strictly business smile before looking down at the papers that he was clenching before him. Click after click sounded, the occasional flash of a camera, but no one said a word. All eyes were glued to the man standing in the front of the room. He hated that feeling now, the feeling that anyone was even acknowledging his existence. Soon it would end, at least he hoped. He cleared his throat. Just once more he had to be sure and confident. He had spent hours before the mirror making sure he at least looked the part. His broad shoulders filled out his dark suit jacket perfectly, and his hand separated from his papers long enough to smooth the bottom of his muted tie. He knew that behind him stood the woman that would slip a thin but comforting arm around his waist and walk with him off the stage when this was all over, and it gave him strength. He didn’t even have to turn around, her love was surrounding him, gently urging him to do what needed to be done. He took a deep breath and raised his eyes again.
- - - - - - - - - - -
It had been cold that September evening. Even earlier when they had sprinted from the hotel lobby to the waiting vans, then from the vans to the arena Kevin had shivered a little. Nothing else was notable about the night except for the chill. Kevin thought he had overheard that it was the coldest recorded fall day in Houston’s history, but he couldn’t be sure. Maybe AJ had just mused that. AJ was so sensitive to the cold.
The show had gone as all other shows went - same songs, same screaming fans, same chaos. Backstage, after the performance, AJ and Howie talked about visiting a club. Brian thought about going as well. Nick had a cold, he’d be staying in his room. Kevin hadn’t decided whether or not he’d go. He told the boys to ask again once they were back at the hotel.
Their security guards rounded them up to head to their vans. Brian made his cattle call sound, as he always did, and AJ swung into a shabby Southern accent. Howie rolled his eyes at Kevin before making his run to his van. Kevin had laughed, then zipped up his jacket. From the open door he felt the bitter breeze. The evening had only gotten colder. A guard patted Kevin’s back. It was his turn to go.
Kevin started for the door, the screams of fans already at a fevered pitch. He caught sight of one as he ran. She looked like Kristen, just like her in fact. He wondered if she knew that. Probably, he figured. He smiled at her and waved, and she returned the gesture. He thought of his wife, wondered if she had had a good day. He waved to more fans, then climbed the van.
- - - - - - - - - - -
“I called you here today to...make an announcement,” he began. He had to be careful, he’d almost said to tell a story. He wouldn’t be telling a story. He shouldn’t be, anyway. He wasn’t supposed to, but who knew what would happen by the time the afternoon ended. No, he wouldn’t do it. Making waves was the last thing he wanted to do. The room was still silent. He could read the looks in the eyes of those that watched him. Why was he here? And so somber? Why was he alone? Why won’t he say something? He knew it was strange that he stood on this stage alone. It had never just been his show. It probably never would, now.
“As of today, I am no longer a member of the Backstreet Boys.”
- - - - - - - - - - -
It had taken a long time to get from the arena to the hotel. Traffic was a mess. Howie and Kevin discussed their plans for the upcoming break. Kevin offered to help Howie with his sister’s album. Howie thanked him - there were a few songs that were missing something, surely Kevin would have some ideas. Conversation drifted away again and Kevin watched out the window. He felt happy, he would be home in a week, as would Kristen. He decided to go with AJ and the rest that night, and told Howie so.
Back at the hotel Kevin took a long shower, enjoying the effect the hot water had on his muscles. He breathed in the steam. I’m alive, he suddenly thought. It was such an unexpected thought that it made Kevin laugh. He was alive? Of course he was. He stepped out of the shower and finished getting ready. As he dressed he heard creaking, but dismissed it. It was an older hotel. Old buildings made noises. When he was ready he took one final glance in the mirror and headed for AJ’s room.
AJ, of course, wasn’t ready. He was “sculpting”, so Kevin took a seat on a chair. AJ rambled on and on about something. Kevin agreed when necessary. Howie and Brian came in, both wearing jackets. Kevin swore under his breath. He had forgotten his. Telling them he’d be back in just a minute he headed back to his room.
- - - - - - - - - - -
There had been a gasp, then a low rumble of voices.
“I want it first of all to be known that this is a completely amicable split,” he stated, gazing out at his audience. “There weren’t any fights or quarrels or anything of that nature.” No, there hadn’t been any of that. Everyone had been supportive when he made his decision, and more importantly all the endless days that had come before it. Everyone knew why he had to do this. At least everyone who would ever know. “There‘s no money involved in my decision.” All the money in the world couldn’t have changed his mind. Not that it wasn’t thrown at him, either. Management was desperate. He had heard sums that blew his mind, and that took a lot. “This was completely personal, something that I needed to do for myself.”
The heads before him turned to each other, speculating what could have caused this announcement. You’ll never guess, he thought as he watched them. It’s not even worth a try.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Kevin was surprised to find, when he returned to his room, that he hadn’t locked his door. He was usually such a stickler for making sure he locked up. He walked in and snatched his jacket from the bed, turning for the door. He was stopped by sounds of rustling from the bathroom. Creaking was one thing, rustling was another. Someone was in that bathroom. He called out once and got no answer, so he called out again. The door was slowly opened and Kevin was surprised to see Kristen standing there. No, wait, it wasn’t Kristen, it was that fan. His surprise inwardly turned to shock. How had she gotten in?
Very calmly Kevin said hello, which the young woman returned. Kevin asked how she had gotten in, she replied that the door had been unlocked. With a short laugh Kevin told her that that didn’t necessarily mean that she was supposed to come in. Sheepishly she laughed too, replying she knew that. He informed her he was sorry, but she had to leave. Her face got a dreamy smile and she said she had to talk to him first.
Kevin was reasonable, he told her that was fine, but quickly. That was all right, she said, what she had to say wouldn’t take long.
- - - - - - - - - - -
“I’ve had a lot of wonderful times with this group. As many times as we’ve said it it’s still true that we are a family, we’re brothers. I’ve been through some of the greatest and hardest times in my life with them.” He had to stop for a moment, the tears starting to gather in his eyes and cloud his vision. His thoughts formed a filmstrip of memories, starting back at his audition. As he sang in that nearly empty auditorium years ago he had no idea what was in his future. He had never forseen the heights and the depths, the laughter and the tears. He had certainly never envisioned this.
- - - - - - - - - - -
She started by mentioning their shared smile earlier. It had made her so happy. He told he was glad that it had. She asked if he noticed the resemblance between Kristen and herself. Yes, it was striking, he answered. She smiled dreamily again. She was glad he had noticed.
She said she had spent months making herself over, into the spitting image of Kristen, just for him. Kevin felt uneasiness building deep within him, and for lack of a better response told her he was flattered. The minute she found out when he’d be in town she started planning how she could get a chance to talk to him. He started feeling really uncomfortable. There was something about her overly calm manner that made him wish she would leave. After she detailed for him just how she had befriended hotel workers and security guards just to find him he asked how old she was.
Sixteen, she said, cocking her head to the side in a way that revealed her youth. She was sixteen.
- - - - - - - - - - -
The reporters were getting restless. They knew why he wasn’t leaving, so why was he? He had to address it. It had taken him a long time to come up with a satisfactory, circular answer. “I know you must all be wondering why it is that I’m taking my leave now, when the group’s still in its prime. It’s a hard topic to tackle. It’s just the time for me to say goodbye. As you know I got married and bought a new home not long ago, and I’d like some time to just be the typical husband and new homeowner. In time I’d also like to explore my own projects, whatever those may be.”
But basically, he mentally added, I just have to get away.
- - - - - - - - - - -
Sixteen? He was surprised, and he commented that at sixteen perhaps she shouldn’t be there alone. She assured him she was fine, and that she thought he was sweet for being so concerned. Kevin was certain now that he wanted her to leave, and so gently reminded her that she had to. She knew that, she was nearly finished.
She had done all of this for a reason. She loved him more than life itself. Her manner instantly switched from charming and sweet to frank. She loved him, needed him, wanted to be with him for always. She rushed on before he could say anything, saying she knew she was young and that he was married. She knew, though, that despite all that there had to be a way for them to be together, somehow.
Kevin asked her to leave, a little more forcefully.
This meant more than he would ever understand, she said. She had built her life around this - from the second she had seen him she had known. This was right, he had to sense it.
Kevin stepped closer to the phone. He asked to leave or he would call security.
Her eyes teared up. She asked him once more. Please, please, couldn’t he make at least a little corner in his life for her? Didn’t he know?
Kevin couldn't believe what was happening, but he stayed neutral. He picked up the phone. He was giving her one last chance.
She nodded resignedly, sighing and reaching her hand into the large purse that hung at her hip. Kevin could only watch her. Fear paralyzed him - he was unable to move, to speak, to do anything. She pulled out a pistol, silencer attached to its end. He sought his voice frantically.
“You don’t need that,” he managed hoarsely. She nodded and spoke the words that would etch themselves forever in his mind.
“This was going to be my life. You took it away, I'm just finishing things.” She held up the gun as she referred to it. She smiled then as a tear slipped down her cheek. It was the smile of an angel, almost his angel. He never took his eyes off her. Someone would actually do this? For anyone - for him? She put the muzzle in her mouth. He wanted to scream at her, to tell her her he wasn't worth it, but there wasn’t even time to breathe. - - - - - - - - - - -
That had been enough of an answer to hold off the reporters for a few seconds. He could see their impatience now. They wanted him to finish the planned speech so that they could get to the questions. They wanted real answers, they no longer cared about the speech he had worked so hard to perfect. They also didn’t really care about how he’d answer their questions. They just wanted their story. The intimate details - the countless nightmares, the hours of therapy, his inability to be alone, the bile that rose in his throat every time they had to meet with fans. Waking up in a cold sweat to have one of the guys watching over him nervously, or Kristen taking him in her arms and rocking him. The vision - what had only taken a heartbeat - playing agonizingly slow, over and over again. They didn’t know, and they wouldn’t care.
- - - - - - - - - - -
AJ eventually came down to see what was taking Kevin so long. Kevin had no idea how long it had been. He was kneeling next to the girl, rocking back and forth and staring at her. AJ breezed in, first taking no notice, then letting out a loud cry and falling to his knees at Kevin’s side. AJ asked of him what happened, over and over. Kevin could only look up and open his mouth, choking on all the words trapped in his throat.
AJ ran for help and with only a blink, it seemed to Kevin, the room was filled with people. He eventually got the story out, and the girl’s fingerprints on the gun and a letter in her purse supported his tale. He was comforted by his groupmates, never left alone that night. Later, after the police left, representatives from management took Kevin aside. It was imperative that this suicide was in no way linked to him. The girl’s parents supposedly requested it, but Kevin was suspicious of that claim. Everything had been done to assure that secrecy on their part, management said. Special psychiatrists would be hired, everyone who knew of what happened had already agreed to it. All it required now was Kevin’s agreement to never speak of it in public.
Kevin numbly agreed. He couldn’t see how he would ever want to talk about it again.
- - - - - - - - - - -
“In closing, I just want to thank everyone that helped make the past years so wonderful for me. I won’t list them all, they know who they are. Good afternoon.” He looked up once more to watch the last minute of silence pass before the questions exploded. He gave one last pasted-on smile and turned to find the concerned face that awaited him. Just as he knew she would, she wrapped an arm around him and he practically collapsed against her. She had carried him through many of the past days and months. He felt safe knowing she would for as long as he needed her to. They walked together, slowly, off the stage.
“We’ll make it,” she said softly, resting a hand on his chest. He nodded, glad she had not told him it would be all right. That would be a lie, at least now. They would not be all right, not for a long time. They would, however, make it.
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