Lightning flashed outside as Jill sat at her computer. The eerie glow that the screen cast across the otherwise pitch black room made everything look ghostly. Jill wrapped her blanket more tightly around her shoulders as wiped futilely at another tear.

She’d put off reading what Jeannie sent her for awhile. She hadn’t known why, just that she somehow felt she wasn’t ready to see it. It was just hitting too close to home. Fictional Nick and his Alexis were the exact reflection of she and Steve. She had reread Jeannie’s first three chapters almost to the point of memorization, feeling every detail as if it were the first time. As if it were her...Because, essentially, it was.

Jill picked up the small bottle of Jack Daniels next to her and took another long swallow, not even bothering to cringe afterward. She was too drunk to even taste it anymore. A salty tear fell over her lips and she flicked her tongue out to catch it. ‘Not too drunk to cry though,’ she thought blurrily. It was such a lame way to be spending a Saturday night - wrapped in a blanket at her computer, drowning her thoughts in whiskey. Sure she could’ve gone clubbing with Steve and the boys - he really was disappointed that she wasn’t going, almost to the point of anger. Not so disappointed that he’d stay home and just watch movies with her. That was all she wanted, just some downtime with her boyfriend. He never got that, but to be fair she never tried all that hard to explain. She couldn’t make Steve understand who she was. Oh sure, he loved her (or at least said he did), and they could have a good time together when they tried, but she and Steve were polar opposites. Night and day. Jill knew, though, that she should be honored Steve wanted to be with her. She just wasn’t the type of girl that usually “got lucky enough” to win the heart and attention of a guy like Steve. And she was flattered. And she did love him...sort of. She knew she loved the idea of him, at least.

Deep down, though, she wanted more. She wanted someone that could and wanted to know her inside and out. She wanted someone that could deal with the plain and simple fact that she wasn’t always sure what she wanted. But she couldn’t leave Steve in search of those things. There was no guarantee that she’d do better, and more than anything Jill couldn’t stand being alone. She knew it made her look pathetic and insecure, but that was just the way things were. The way she was.

Jill took another swallow, praying Cammie stayed out late as she said she would. Cammie knew how Jill felt, although Jill rarely voiced those feelings. Cammie sensed it, and told her repeatedly that she could “do better”, offering to hook her up with many of her male friends. Jill always passed, saying she appreciated the offer but she was happy with Steve. Truth was, the only way she’d be able to leave Steve was if the offer of better arrived in her mailbox because she was ashamed to admit that she simply did not have what it took to walk away. The thought depressed and ashamed her, and it was at times like tonight that it took its toll.

“All right, let’s get this party started,” Jill muttered as she clicked to sign on to the Internet. Tonight was a perfect night to read what Jeannie had sent - after all, it wasn’t like she could exactly feel more down and besides, maybe this new stuff would be awful. Maybe it was just the amazing coincidence that had made the first batch seem so incredible. Jill quickly scrolled past her other messages and found Jeannie’s, waiting patiently near the bottom of the list. She smiled at the girl’s genuine surprise at Jill’s reaction, then prepared herself read more of Nick and Alexis’s saga.

It seemed in just a second she had read it all, but she felt as if she had been dragged along an emotional roller coaster...again. Tears had soaked her cheeks and she hadn’t even realized she was still crying. Every sentence, every word, every emotion - it all just hit too close to home. Maybe she should just not read anymore - never reply to what Jeannie sent. Sure, she might get upset but she’d get over it eventually. Jill shook her head. No, this might be painful but in a way cathartic too. Even if he was only fictional, it was nice to know that she wasn’t the only one in the world who felt that way. Without thinking further she set up a message in reply to Jeannie’s.

Jill clicked to send the letter before she could think any further about it. She knew she’d probably regret that letter tremendously later, but as of now who cared? She shut the computer back down. Again making a split second decision, Jill headed over to the television and popped one of her Backstreet compilation tapes in the VCR, of course taking her handy bottle with her. “What the hell,” she stated as it began, “I can’t get any more pathetic.”

She watched as appearance after appearance played, finding that her eyes kept straying over to Nick. It wasn’t that she suddenly found him irresistible, more that - as all good fan fiction did to her - she found herself intrigued by him. She had heard rumors that Nick and Alaina had their fair share of problems. She wondered if Jeannie had the sixth sense about her. Jill searched Nick’s eyes. What if he really was just as unhappy, wherever he was, as she was tonight? What if those doubts and worries that constantly plagued her really did haunt him too? As she watched Nick acting juvenile as usual, she had to laugh.

“Don’t get your hopes up,” she warned herself. “After all, that is why they call it fiction.”