The Last Few Hours
Try to sleep was all that I could do that night. After tossing and turning for two hours and never having my eyes closed for more than a minute or two at a time, I sat up and gave in to the fact that rest was just not an option that night. After a few hours QVC actually got appealing - so appealing that I ended up with a few hundred dollars’ worth of kitchen appliances and gadgets I knew I’d never use (but at four thirty in the morning who doesn’t need a food dehydrator?). By six I was ready for the day, by seven I had repacked my suitcase twice and by eight thirty I had filled up the entire pad of hotel paper with song ideas. I was also getting really antsy so I decided to go pace the halls. Just as I left the room I saw Nick getting off the elevator. Hoping that he had gotten over whatever it was he had been angry about I approached him.
“Hey Nicky, where’ve you been?”
“Shut the fuck up,” he muttered. My jaw dropped a little.
“What?”
“You heard me.”
“What’s the matter with--”
He pointed at me. “You are what’s the matter, Howie. Don’t talk to me. Do not.”
I was shocked. “B-but why?” I stuttered. His eyes narrowed.
“Because you fucked up everything. Because of you everything is completely ruined.” I shook my head in confusion. The closer he got the more ragged he looked. I guessed I wasn’t the only one that hadn’t slept last night. The empty, cold look in his eyes was chilling.
“I don’t understand...what’d I do?”
“You’re just an idiot. I don’t know why I ever listened to you.” Without another look my way he went into his room and slammed the door. All I could do was stand there, stunned. What was he talking about? What had I messed up so badly? I thought about it a minute then stopped, suddenly feeling drained. I had it. I had told Nick that he should tell that girl he had feelings for her. She must have turned him down and he was blaming me. He had been shot down, was all upset...and I was about to do the same thing? I headed back to my room, then stood at the mirror. Faith was going to be here any minute and I was about to lay my heart out for her, just like Nick had done. My head started swimming - I was going to make the same mistake. That was the only way I could see it.
“I can’t do this, I need time to think,” I said to myself, rubbing my eyes. The resolve I had built up was slowly crumbling and I couldn’t remember why I had been so adamant about any of this. God, why was I so easily swayed by other people? I wanted to call Faith and suggest we put this off, even if only for an hour, but it was too late. In fact, just as that thought crossed my mind a soft knock came at my door. Almost in slow motion I walked to the door and opened...
And there she stood. Expectant, doubting, scared, beautiful, young...I couldn’t figure out what end was up. Lack of sleep, Nick’s rejection, her presence and a swell of emotion at seeing her again were throwing me all off. “Hi,” I managed to say. She put on a tiny smile.
“Hi,” she returned. Then we just stood there. I shook my head after a minute.
“I’m sorry, come in.” She followed me in and took a seat in a chair opposite me, the same chair she had sat in a few days ago. It seemed like years now. “So, how are you?” I asked.
She shrugged. “OK, I guess. You?”
“All right.” It was quiet. “Can I get you anything, anything to eat or drink?”
“No, thanks, I’m fine.”
“OK.” It was horrible, easily one of the most awkward situations I had ever been in. Here was this amzing, wonderful girl sitting right in front of me and had come here just to hear what I had to say. And I couldn’t say it. I just couldn’t make myself tell her how I felt, what I wanted, because now I wasn’t sure what that was. I knew I had to say something, though, so I took a deep breath.
“I guess we should--”
“So you wanted to--”
We stopped and laughed nervously. “Go ahead,” she invited. I nodded.
“I was just going to say I guess we should talk.” Faith nodded too. “I’ve been thinking a lot lately, about you and what happened and everything.”
“So have I.”
“You are so wonderful, Faith. I loved spending time with you and getting to know you. I wanted you to come here because I wanted to tell you...”
And I just trailed off. I couldn’t do it. Her blue eyes opened wide in expectation but there was no way I could tell her what I had planned. All I could see was the look in Nick’s eyes, the pain that he must be feeling. There was just no way I could do that to myself.
“I wanted to say thanks, for spending time with me.”
Faith stared at me a minute and the look on her face clearly said, ‘That’s it? That’s all you have to offer me?’ She gave me time to redeem myself, but that was all I had in me. She bowed her head. “Oh. Well, you’re welcome.”
“I know that I should...I don’t know...”
Faith kept her head down. “Yeah, there are things you ‘should’. There are things I never ‘should’.”
“Don’t say that,” I pleaded softly. Faith wiped at her eyes and looked at me.
“You promised, Howie. You promised I wouldn’t come down here for this.” I couldn’t say anything and she stood up. “You know, I’ve run over everything that happened those two days, everything I said and did trying to figure out where I went wrong.” Her voice cracked but she continued. “Was I too easy? Was I too nosey? Was I a pushover? Was I too demanding? I asked myself those things millions of times, so anxious to find out what happened.”
“It wasn’t any of that. You didn’t do anything wrong. You really are wonderful. It’s just that...that I’m in this weird situation and...and it’s not the right time for a relationship...” I realized that, without even trying, I was falling back into my routine. ‘Stop now!’ a tiny voice in my mind cried. ‘You’re not Nick. This isn’t his girl. This is Faith, your Faith. At least she could be - can’t you see that?’ But it was already too late. Faith smiled sadly and nodded.
“Right, I understand.” She wiped at her eyes again and headed for the door. I followed her.
“Please...” But I couldn’t even think of a request. She turned to face me.
“I shouldn’t say this because I know it’ll just make me look like a bigger idiot, but at first I knew that this was what this would turn out to be. But then it started to change, and I started thinking that just maybe this could be it. I actually thought...” She laughed a little as a tear rolled down her cheek. “I thought you could actually be the one.”
‘Tell her! Tell her you know, tell her she is the one!’ “I’m sorry,” I whispered, biting my lip. Faith nodded again.
“Yeah. Me too.” And with that she slipped out the door. I couldn’t follow her, I couldn’t even watch her go. When I heard the elevator ding I headed for Nick’s room. Knocking only once, I walked in to see him laying on his back on his bed. He turned in surprise, then anger clouded his face.
“What are you doing in here?” he demanded.
“I need to know what happened - what happened with you and the girl. Stephanie.”
“Cecily.”
“Cecily. I know that’s why you’re mad at me. I want to know what happened.”
His eyes narrowed. “Why should I tell you?”
I pointed at the door. “Because I think I may have potentially made one of the biggest mistakes I’ve ever made and it’s because of what happened to you. Or what I think happened with you.” I shook my head. “Whatever, just tell me.”
“What was the mistake?” he asked, showing a tiny bit of interest.
I sighed. “It’s a long story. You know how I met that girl?”
“Faith?”
I nodded, then stopped. “Did I tell you her name?” I asked, confused. Nick shook his head.
“No, Cecily did.” I just stared at him. “Cecily, as in Faith’s roommate and best friend.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, really,” he replied bitterly, looking at the ceiling again. “I went and told Cecily how I felt, just like you said. I poured my heart out to her, everything. And she said she couldn’t be with me. At first she thought there could have been a chance, but not after she saw what her best friend was being put through by one of my best friends.” I was speechless again and once again he looked at me. “Now you see why I’m so angry at you?”
“But...wait...it was only because of me?”
Nick shrugged. “You set the ‘Backstreet standard’. After Cec told me how you just dropped Faith I can’t blame her.”
“Oh God. Nick, I...man, I’m so sorry.”
“You should be. I was there, at their place last night when you called, you know. Faith looked so happy when she got off the phone.”
I felt tears in my eyes. “She did?”
He studied me. “And you screwed up.”
I hung my head. “Yeah. Yeah I did.”
“And you’re miserable.” I could only nod. “Welcome to the club.”
Without another word I took off out the door. I looked over the railing to see if I could still see her in the lobby but all I saw were a few stray fans. I was desperate. I had to talk to her, have one last chance. Heading back to my room I started calling her. I must have tried at least thirty times in an hour, knowing that it would take her almost that long to get home but not caring. The answering machine never came on and no one picked up. Finally, at eleven thirty, after countless tries, someone picked up.
“Hello?” Faith answered softly.
“Faith, it’s me. Look, I’m sorry, I made a huge mistake--”
“Howie, haven’t you done enough?”
“Yes. I mean no, no that’s not why I’m calling. I didn’t say what I wanted to say when you were here. Faith, I--”
“Don’t. Please. Whatever it is, don’t. I don’t want to hear it. You don’t really want to say it or it’d be said already. Spare us both.” Her voice was saturated with tears, bringing them to strain my throat as well. “And please don’t call again,” she added in a voice barely above a whisper.
‘Do it!’ my mind screamed. ‘This is it.’ But there was nothing left to do. Faith had hung up. I had lost. And it was all my fault.
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