Howie
The guilt that one human being can bear is much higher than someone might predict, especially if the one bearing the guilt has a goal. Two days had passed since I had kissed Georgie goodbye in front of my house, and that one gesture was almost making me feel worse than the other thing that happened. That I could almost justify. Alcohol had been a factor. Something about seeing George with Josh was another thing - it awakened some inner possessive side that I didn’t know I had, but apparently it was there and a lot stronger than I would’ve imagined. It wasn’t so much that I wanted her, it was that we were in a setting that was threatening the fact that (as bad as this sounds), she was mine. And I’m not ignoring the fact that George is a pretty girl too. Sometimes it just takes awhile to see those things. So I had almost cleared myself of that. The problem with claiming complete innocence was that that was an act that should only be performed in love. I didn’t love-love Georgie, not that night, not the next morning, and I knew I wasn’t going to start. But that set the twisted side - the desperate side - of me thinking: What would happen if she thought I did?
George had had a crush on me forever. That I knew. If we had dated in high school there had been no doubt in my mind she would have stuck around in Florida. I couldn’t go back and change that, but what if we were together now - or at least she thought we were? It was completely evil, I knew that, but there was no other way I saw that was as surefire as that. If I could just keep the facade of a relationship up long enough to have her change her mind about Ball State, then everything would be all right. We could let that just sort of slip away, go back to old George and Howie, and things would be fine. That was why I had kissed her. To lead her on. What hurt was the genuine joy I had caught as glimpse of in her eyes. I felt like a shmuck...but not enough of a shmuck to change my mind.
The other wrench in the works was Jessica.
The day after George and I got back she had called, returning my call of a few days prior. We had talked for a long time and it was such a great feeling. Nothing had changed between us, a year apart hadn’t had any negative effect on our ability to get along. The conversation had started me thinking - and more importantly feeling - and by the time we were ready to say goodbye I asked her out. It just seemed to fit, and there was no hesitation in her response. Still, by the time I drove over to Jessie’s I was excited and nervous.
When she came out of the house in her sundress with her hair flowing I realized that the feelings I had had for her were still very much there. I got out of the car to open the door for her and she kissed my cheek. ‘Sunflowers again,’ I thought, knowing it hadn’t been chance. We had a long dinner at our old favorite restaurant, then drove out to Cocoa Beach. We walked side by side without touching or talking for awhile.
“It’s a beautiful night,” she said, glancing out at the water.
“It is.”
“Nevada was so dry...I never thought I’d miss humidity so much,” she added, and we both laughed.
“Well there’s no place like home, you know,” I told her. She smiled again.
“No, there certainly isn’t.”
“It’ll be nice to have another familiar face around here after the summer’s through,” I said, reaching over to take her hand. She squeezed mine gently and stepped closer.
“It’ll be nice to be back with familiar faces,” she replied softly. I led her over to a bench and we sat down, my hand still holding hers. “This was a really nice night, Howie, thank you,” Jessie said after a few minutes.
“No problem. Thank you for making it so special.”
She laughed a little. “You know, I thought about you a lot while I was away.”
“Same here,” I agreed.
“I miss life the way it used to be,” she said, turning a little to face me. It was music to my ears. I looked into her eyes.
“So do I.” We were quiet again, then, “Did you ever think we made a mistake, breaking up?”
“In a way, no, because it would have been hard, Howard.” I nodded my agreement. “But right now...”
I grinned at her. “Right now what?”
She grinned back shyly, then shook her head and looked down at the ground. “Never mind.”
“Right now are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
Jessie raised her head again. “What are you thinking?”
I reached up and tentatively touched her cheek. “I’m thinking that second chances are pretty great things,” I almost whispered. It was her turn to nod.
“That’s it exactly,” she agreed softly, and with that I leaned in to kiss her.
********
“Howster! George called!” my sister yelled at me when I came in after taking Jessie home. I checked my watch - 12:30. She’d still be up, and she had her own line so I wouldn’t bother her parents. I jogged up to my room and flopped on the bed, pulling my phone off the table next to my bed. Before I dialed, though, I thought hard about what to say. What if she asked where I was? And what was I supposed to say or do next to keep the illusion going? Guilt hit me like a ton of bricks, again, wiping out the happy, mellow feeling that my date had inspired.
“Dude, I’m a man-whore,” I muttered, closing my eyes and using one of George’s favorite terms. Just two days after I had slept with Georgie, I had made out with my ex-girlfriend and was planning on balancing both out, somehow. I shook my head. I couldn’t drag myself through the mud, not now. Things were starting to look up. I couldn’t let my own hangups mess up everything. I took a deep breath and dialed George’s number.
“Hello?”
“Hey there,” I answered.
“Hi! Where were you?”
“Out with John.” I hadn’t planned on that, but it sounded just fine.
“Cool. Did you two have fun?”
“Yeah, yeah we did. What’d you do?”
George told me the story of her day. I half listened to what she was said, half planned what I should say or do next. When she finished talking I cleared my throat.
“So Georgie,” I began.
“So Howard.”
“I was thinking that tomorrow night a certain male-nicknamed girl and I could maybe kick it.” I smacked my forehead. Kick it?
“Um, well, that might be a possibility.”
“A distinct possibility?”
“Hmm...yeah. I think it could be a distinct possibility.” Her tone of voice was shy, but sort of flirty too. I realized my tone was the same. How bizarre was this? We made our plans and then said goodbye. I rolled onto my back and stared at my ceiling, then over at a picture of Georgie and I from graduation on my bulletin board.
“Please tell me I’m not making a mistake,” I whispered to no one in particular. “I need her back and this is the only way I know how.”
Chapter 7
