On the morning of her birthday, she asks...
Jena: "What day is it?"

Ted: "Sacrilege makes the baby Jesus cry."

Ryan: "[coherent conversation]...and my eyes are very sensitive today and I left my sunglasses at Ida and I...am going to go now, because I'm just babbling, and I hate me when I babble, and I..."

Jena: "My head is going to explode. (Suddenly:) Shit -- there go the first few neurons now."

Jimbo: "Hey! Did you know Hegel rhymes with bagel?"

Jon: "What's-her-face...Cynthia Hobag..."
Jesse: "Cecilia Ho."

Jesse: "Black ceramic toilets are very cool."
Jena: "They look like the plates in Bartlett."

Jena: "Even though you were my boyfriend before Andrew was yours or Frank mine, I was never your boyfriend until just now.""
Chloë: "That's true. I've been your boyfriend forever. You're my second longest relationship."

Chloë: "We're really quite funny when inebriated. Wait. I'm not even inebriated."

Blythe: "Do you have people over?"
Jena: "No."
Blythe: "Then who's the lady who answered the phone?"
Jena: "Do you mean my mom?"

Girl: "What do you mean, I don't know how to fix a computer? I dated a hacker for two years!"

Gloria: "Valet parking, old Jewish ladies -- what could be bad?"

Gloria: "Is it a built-in DJ?"

To the tune of Octopus's Garden
Chloë: "I'd like to be / under your mom / with three gay men to wait attendance upon me."

To the tune of Old MacDonald Had a Farm
Chloë: "Old MacDonald had a dog / I am very hungry / Old MacDonald had a dog / I am very hungry / Old MacDonald had a dog / I will not eat dog."

Jade: "You smiled at me. That's not nice."

Blythe and I have very good table manners.
Jena: "Bread on the left, water on the right."
Blythe: "Do you think they do that in prison? Because, you know, that's all they get to eat."

Boy: "You trying to shit on me? I'll diarrhea on yo' ass!"

Jude: "Jude nude."
Jena: "Boolean Julian."

Nat: "He's a chiropractor. For feet."

Alex: "He's the ugliest man in the whole wide world."
Jena: "Who? Ping?"

So this man was walking down the street with a garbage can, singing this song...
Man: "That fucking woman / is so damn ugly / she's an ugly, ugly / motherfucker / uggggggllllllllllllllly / uggggggllllllllllllllly / motherfucker"

Man: "Do you want anything else? Will you be hungry later?"
Woman: "I'm always hungry. That's why I'm fat."

Chloë: "...corsets...and there's a woman who looks like Mrs. Wallace."
Eleanor: "I hope those thoughts aren't related."

We were playing Scrabble, and Chloë had xenmuny but this is what I heard.
Chloë: "I think I invented the name of a new element: Zen Money, with an x."

Ben: "I keep trying to grow [my hair] longer, but it just keeps getting cut."

Jena: "Would you be offended if I said it tastes exactly like pickled herring?"

A t-shirt I saw on the subway: "That's not a beer belly! It's the fuel tank of a sex machine!"

Julian: "Can you use the word frag correctly in a sentence?"
Jena: "I want to frag your mom."

Witness to attorney: "You sounded a lot taller on the telephone."

Julian: "'Jena, why do you drive a red Mercedes?' And you said: 'Because I like crashing it into walls.'"

Xerox woman: "I want you to feel comfortable coming in here and touching it and playing with it."
Jena (giggling:) "Sorry, I have the mind of a five-year-old."

Julian: "I'll projectile-vomit you good."

Woman in Bryant Park: "When there are lots of flowers, they tend to cluster around your ass, and it's not attractive."

Jena: "Someday I'm going to have a relationship with an unendowed guy, and I'm going to call him Peter without thinking, and he's going to assume I'm cheating on him."

Man: "There were center seats too, but Cathy has a weak bladder, so we wanted easy access."
Woman, presumably Cathy: "Why do you always have to tell everyone about my personal problems?"

I hate Americans. In Aerogare de Charles de Gaulle, a woman from the Southern US was having some difficulty with the departure schedule...
Woman: "Why does it say seventeen-H-fiftyfive? What does that mean? Is it some sort of weird airport code?"

Mommy: "Why are there two men's rooms and no women's room?"
Jena: "That one's a women's room. She's just wearing a tailored skirt."

Mommy: "Is Paris how you expected it to be?"
Jena: "Well, yes, all the signs are in French."

I still hate Americans. In France, prices on everything are in both French francs and euros, in preparation for the upcoming switch. It's not difficult to figure out.
Woman: "Five hundred for a meal for two? Wait, why are there two prices? What's FF, and what's this funny E with the weird lines in it?"

Girl: "First class. This is for me..."
Her friend (With disdain:): "This is just business class."
Girl: "Wow."

Jena: "He's a lush. A very nice lush, but a lush all the same."
Talitha: "What's a lush?" (Random woman on Metro-North begins laughing hysterically. Chloë and Jena begin laughing hysterically.)
Chloë: "A drunk." (Random woman has not stopped laughing yet.)

Liba: "I'm dizzy."
Sharon: "Have you been drinking?"
Liba: "Yes. No! Yes."

Jena: "Comment dit-on 'Where is...?' en Francais?"
Mommy: "Donde estas?"

Jena: "F-O-U-R. Root seventeen. I mean, root sixteen."

Chloë: "There’s no J in Julian. I mean, there is, but you know, not like that."

Jalf: "Who owns the shed?"
Jena: "Ed owns the shed!"

Strangers can really ruin your day.
Random boy: "I'm not racist, I just generally hate Jews."

Random Texan: "I hear there are a lot of Jews in this city. I hope that's not true."

Sense a theme yet?
Gabe: "Did you hear the one about Mein Kampf?"

Adam: "She would look a lot better if she didn't bleach her hair."
Jena: "She would look a lot better if she weren't a man."

Jena: "Jae, you're officially going to help me stand up."

Woman: "That's a big watch."
Man: "It's a man's watch."

Jenna: "Stop being named Jena."
Jena: "I was here first. I'm older."

Chloë: "...B is for dyslexic."
Mollie: "Silly also begins with B."
Chloë: "Actually, the letter you're thinking of is Z."

Jena: "I always feel bad going into a bathroom when the door is closed and I knock and nobody answers. 'Cause what if there's a mute in there? I'd walk in and I'd say, 'Ohmygod I'm so sorry' and she'd just say, '.' And I'd say 'Please forgive me, I didn't mean to walk in on you.' But she'd just say '.' And I'd really never know if she forgave me or not, because no matter how many times I'd apologize and tell her I was sorry, she'd just keep on saying '.'"

Why eighth grade parties suck.
8th grade boy: "Who's bringing the alcohol? Your daddy?"

TV Advertisement: "This brand new, beautiful, shiny, silver, holographic statue of liberty ten-dollar coin can be yours for only...ten dollars."

Street fair lady: "Free spinal screening!"

Chloë: "I feel so grown-up when I use the shift key."

Alex explains the intricacies of bridge scoring.
Alex: "We're them and you're us."

Chloë patiently explains the semantic difference between "He's on crack" and "He's on crack."
Chloë: "See, whatever people do to crack, he does to crack. And crack does whatever crack does to people to him."

And you wondered why anyone would love the Society for Creative Anachronism.
Some guy whose friend’s wedding was in the New York Times: "The fighting just gives you a warm fuzzy feeling."

Jena: "I’m totally -- ninety hundred percent -- awake."

Jena & Chloë: "Have chocolate. Drink it; it’s candy."

Jena: "Eating, you use your mouth, but drinking, you use--"
Chloë: "Your mouth?"

Chloë: "I used to think that extra-body shampoo could regenerate limbs."

Clyde: "Jena, you're such a girl."
Jena: "Your mother's such a girl."

Overheard at the Port Authority.
Girl #1: "Do you think this bowling ball matches my outfit? What about my nail polish?"
Girl #2: (With utter seriousness:) "That's so coordinated -- If you break a nail, the blood will match too!"

Jena: "Psychosomatic pregnancy?"

Lisa: "And my butt cheeks were screaming, 'Help us, help us!'"

Jena: "How am I taking notes with my ear?"
Jade: "The same way you can get pregnant from thinking about unprotected sex."

I love Central Park South when all the tourists are out.
Tourist #1: "There's sixty thousand f*cking horses."
Tourist #2: "And sixty-one thousand pigeons."

Chloë: "G-H as in women."

got anything to share with me?