So there was this awful sex book...
Jesse: "This is a sex book, not a physics book."

Ditto.
Angel: "'Suck his love organ until he falls asleep.' Oh, it's so sad!"

Ditto.
Andy: "I thought it said 'Erotic Bending,' not 'Erotic Bonding'!"

Jena: "Masturbation is an abstract art."

Heather: "Wankerish."

Collin: "The Earth was spermy for him like a big woman. Are you spermy for me?"

Jahred: "Are you single?"

Jena: "A Q-tip is smaller than a tampon, which is smaller than a penis."
Stephanie: "Hopefully."

No, he was talking about the cord on the blinds. Really.
Ted: "Yeah, you yank really hard to get it to go up, and you pull it to the side to get it to go back down."

Bryce: "Who's that guy fondling your girlfriend?"
Ted: "Oh, that's just Jesse."

So I was in a bookstore reading Romance for Dummies or somesuch.
Book: "...you sexy man of substance, you..."

Michal: "Girl, if we're going to get it on, you're going to need to learn how to fake an orgasm."

In public. Very public.
Michal: "I want your throbbing member."
Jena: "Cock."
Michal: "Member."
Jena: "I want your throbbing cock deep inside me."
Michal: "Member."
Jena: "Cock."

Julia: "I've decided he's transgender. That would solve all my problems."

Ah, the justification of dormcest.
Plato, in his Republic: "Since houses and dining-halls will be communal, and no one will possess any private property of this kind, the sexes will live in close proximity, and in this state of universal proximity, both in their physical education and in the rest of their upbringing, their natural instincts will inevitably, I think, lead them into having sex with one another. Or don't you regard that as inevitable?"

Jimbo does his best Nietzsche.
Jimbo: "This [building, Max Palevsky,] is not an aesthetic poetic justification of life."
Jena: "But you know what is? My body."

Anonymous: "My life is like a sitcom...except you can't show this much nudity on TV."

Jena: "So I'm your boyfriend, and Chloë's my boyfriend..."
Mollie: "What does that make me and Chloë?"
Chloë: "Sisters!"

On contra dancing with really silent people.
Martha: "It's not sex. You're allowed to talk."

Richard: "The last time I played pool with you, a fine black man hit on me. Not that I minded, really."

Blythe: "All boobs are created equal."
Jena: "Unless they're square."

Things not to say when you have a hickey.
Girl: "His bark is worse than his bite."

Spider: "Where's Rich?"
Jena: "On the couch. Where he slept all night."
Spider: "Fucker!"
Jena: "No, he didn't. She slept in the bed with you all night."

Blythe: "I know a princess fucker!"

Jena: "I'm female and cute. Hence I know a dozen guys who'd be willing to fuck me."

Joe: "Did you get gang-raped last night? All those dudes, and you at noon in the same clothes..."
Jena: "No, I'm just very tired. (Joe blinks.) Not like that..."

Jena: (to Jesse and Carlos) "I love having a man on either side of me."
As-yet sober passerby: "What? (His ears perk up. Literally.)"

Jem: "So then I wrote, 'P. S. You have a very very very very very cute butt.'"

Man: "She's beautiful, she's friendly, and she's dancing with me, what more could I ask for?"
Jena: "Calm down. This isn't legal."
Man: "It's not legal that you're friendly."
Jena: "I guess I'm legal, technically."
Man: "She's beautiful, she's friendly, she's dancing with me, and (Man gives contented sigh.) she's eighteen..."

The worst pick-up line ever:
Jena: "Look. I've tried being subtle and it hasn't worked. You're too old to make passes at eighteen-year-olds."
Man: "That couch is so nice and blue. It matches your sweater so well. Sure you don't want to go sit down?"

Erin: "You guys, get something hard and come help us!"

I asked Jesse whether to wear my devil tail up or down on Hallowe'en.
Jesse: "Up is easier to sit. When it's down, it's uncomfortable."

Jesse: "It's an unequal relationship."
Jena: "So who has all the power?"
Jesse: "You do."
Jena: "Because I have tits?"
Jesse: "Well, yes."

Phil: "So tell him he's like dry toast."
Jena: "And the other guy is a jelly donut...?"
Tony: "So he's fat and round and has a hole in the middle?"
Jena: "No, he's not a woman."

On Bert and Ernie's living arrangements:
Jason: "They do sleep in the same bed, don't they?"
Jena: "But they don't spoon!"

Jesse: "What time is your clock on anyway?"
Jena: "It's fast as fuck."
Jesse: "How fast is fuck, exactly?"
Jena: "That depends on how bad it is..."

Adam: "Voulez-vous coucher avec lui?"
Jena: "Pas maintenant."

Jena: "I don't think he'll make me have sex with you."
Alex: "It's not for me; it's for Alper House."

Joey: "How's the Chicago penis scene?"

Phil: "Sex is at eight. Do you wanna have sex with us? Wait, we can't be late for sex!"

Jena: "I'm going next door for a minute."
Jem: "That's your boyfriend, right?"
Jena: "Nah, my friends."
Jem: "The guy with the red hair is your boyfriend."
Jena shows Jem a picture of Julian.
Jem: "Oh. So you're cheating on him with the guy next door?"

Alidia: "What's up with the Oompa Loompa?"
Jena: "They're hot."
Alidia: "But they're short and stubby."
Jena: "So are penises."

Jude: "So I was lying in my bed, and the window opened, and a fraggle came in and he landed on me, and we had wild doozer sex."

Julian: "If Conan O'Brien had an erection, I'd have lost an eye."

Mack explains how easy it is to get caught having sex at his summer program.
Jena: "But you can always make excuses. We were just moaning because we were sick."
Mack: "I had cock-flu. The only way you can cure it is by...well..."

Mack: "You suck. In the most Platonic way possible."

I was unjustly accused of innuendo when I told someone I wanted to see his website up.
Jena: "Actually, if I meant penis, I'd have said penis."

Jude: "A thousand fireworks. In my vagina. (Several hours later:) Did I say my? I must have meant your or something."

Jude: "Oooh. Goldfish kisses! Wait a second, goldfish don't have tongues!"

Jude: "I want to be your--looking for an adjective--naughty baby."

Jena: "It's really terrible to adore doing something and just totally suck at it. Not like that, dammit."

Jena: "Wait. I'll touch you later."

Jude: "I thought you weren't attracted to stupid people."
Jena: "For you, I'll make an exception."

Jude: "I have no testosterone left. I'm full of estrogen, and my breasts are growing so big..."
Jena: "That's my job."
Jude: "You give me estrogen to make my breasts grow?"

This wouldn't be funny, except it was Eleanor, and she was so apologetic afterwards.
Eleanor: "Jena is a big skank."

Julian: [nonsense]
Jena: "You did what to whom for how many cookies?"
Julian: "You did it for one."
Jena: "Well..."
Julian: "Cookie whore!"
Jena: "You did it for none."
Julian: "Yes, well, I'm a slut."

Jena: "You're a cushy sleeping bag."
Julian: "But I don't have a zipper."

Don't ask.
Jena: "I like scrambling eggs with my nose!"

Jena: "I'm dating Sandra Bullock, and she has a penis!"

Jena: "I don't understand what boiling chocolate or cheese has to do with sex."

Julian: "Romeo, in my head, is a cocky Spanish guy with long flowing hair and an open shirt."
Jena: "You mean Fabio?"

Julian: "Have you ever taken a self-defense class?"
Jena: "No, but, well, here's my knee and here's my foot and here's my fist and there's your groin."
Julian: "The little guy is a delicate piece of machinery. (Moderately long pause.) You don't fuck with it."
Jena: "Oh, but you do. (After thought:) Or even if you don't, one does."

Chloë: "Calliope, come here. Your food has bras in it, you hear that?"
Andrew: "Too bad your cat's not a fourteen-year-old boy."

I loved my prom. But I guess some people had even more fun at theirs.
Friend's younger brother: "I was hard the entire time!"

Blythee: "F*ckbunnies?"
Jena: "Bunnies don't get horny. They have ears."

Jamie: "I was a terrible prostitute. I was free!"

Jena: "The girl on the top has two boys named ----- and ----- who might be interested in her, and the girl on the bottom has a thing with a boy who's going to college with you and the girl on the top. Otherwise, they want to have sex with you. But they're on top and bottom, thus having sex with each other."
Chloë: "...oh."

Jena: "Two-dimensional penis! Flat flat!"

Why a shed? I'm not sure.
Mack: "I, for one, would definitely take the leggy sexy broad over the shed."
Jena: "So you'd take the leggy sexy broad over me? I don't like the bottom!"

Jena: "So, um, Jonny, what's this 'good' about?"
Jonathan: "Breasts."

Jena: "Matthew, taste this. It's an orgasm in a glass."
Matthew (tasting): "No, it's not. (Matthew proceeds to drink the entire glass. Then he stands up and proclaims:) This is an orgasm in a glass."
Someone else: "Like sex on the beach."

Yaron: "I like (mumbly) ooh-eez."
Jena: "Do you like Louise or boobies?"

Chloë: "Jim, the third and most delectable white meat."

Chloë: "Jim: he's what's for dinner."

Jeff: "We're f*cked. With no vaseline. In Riker's."

Reprise of St. Mark's Place, walking past the infamous statue on Prince Street.
Alidia: "Jena, those are boobs!"
Jena (deadpan): "Are you sure? 'Cause I thought they were testicles."

So I was in this restaurant a few days ago, and this man--respectable-looking, in a decent sweater, well-fitting pants, whatever--was talking to his buddies and I heard something about how he'd had sex more than two times the past night. And then...I was disturbed:
Man: "I swear! It was like going through a re-vulva-ing door!"

Jena: "That's the most sexual thing ever."
Chloë: "No, it's not. Two people having sex is the most sexual thing ever...although not as sexual as three people having sex."

Jena: "Dildo, meet Jena. Jena, meet Dildo. Dildo, meet Liz. Liz, meet Dildo."

Friend: "I have issues introducing you to my boyfriend because I'm having oral sex with the guy. You know it. My friends know it."
Jena: "How will you ever introduce anyone to your husband? Am I not invited to the wedding?"

Alidia: "No, Jen, those are boobs!"

Jena: "Being naked makes life so much more interesting."

Chloë: "Put on a sweater, Jen. That man was looking at you and making rude gestures."
Jena: "All right. What kind of gestures?"
Chloë: "Rude ones."
Jena: "But what kind of rude gestures? It's very important."

Jonathan: "Of course it's fair. You like teasing guys; I like teasing you."

Gelpi: "I talked to him once, and he was all, like, (in a snotty voice:) 'I don't even like girls!'"

Jon(athan) and I are strange people online.
Jon(athan): "Don't fill your silo without me...er..."
Jena: "The tall-growing grain...?"
Jon(athan): "The kind I sow are wavy and thin."
Jena: "Whoa. Whatever...boosts your rocket."

We were having a punning session at the dinner table, and somehow we got around to places in and near the Aegean and Mediterranean seas...
Jena: "Smyrna, hmm...Smyrna?"
Several seconds pass.
Jena & Gloria: (Simultaneously:) "Smegma!"

Jonah: "You come in. You say 'hi.' You don't say 'how are you?' and you read me a chapter on perversions?"

Jonathan: "Give me a big spicy kiss."

Anonymous male friend: "I want a statue erected here in my honor."
Jena: "I'd settle for you erected here in my honor."

Jena: "Sex is topical too, unless it's bottomical. Oops, was that a quote?"

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