Jem is a rockstar.
Jem: "I'm allergic to chips. They make me swell up."

He didn't say this on purpose, but he might as well have.
Frank: "We have an in-adept president..."

Improv people: "And most importantly, don't call a donkey 'grandma.'"

Brandon: "After 11:30 Kant has to go into your room. You can discuss him all you want -- but Kant can't be in the corridor."

Chloë: "My mental hygiene is phenomenal. I mentally floss."

Andrew: "The love interest doesn't really have eyes or a nose or a face."
Mollie: "Oh, so she's a baked potato."
Andrew: "No, potatoes have eyes."
Chloë: "Only when they're old, and she's really young."

Gloria: "Okay, just tell me if your friend Spike is a girl or a boy."
Jena: "Spike is my girlfriend."
Gloria: "But what about your boyfriend? I thought he was Spike."
Jena: "No, Spike is the girlfriend I invented when my mother said I look butch."
Five minutes pass.
Gloria: "Just tell me this: is Spike gay?"
Half an hour passes.
Gloria: "I'm really into this Spike person."
Ari: "There. Is. No. Spike."
Gloria: "Yes, there is. I'm sure of it."
More time passes.
Gloria: "If you ever write a book with a character named Spike, dedicate it to me."
Jena: "I will dedicate it thus: 'To Spike and Gloria, my favorite butch girlies.'"

Sign in criminal court: "'Avoiding grief with a lawyer' booklet avilable at window."
Jena: "Do you think they have an 'avoiding grief as a lawyer' booklet too?"
Vicky: "Look, the people here seem to have read the 'not making eye contact with the public' booklet!"

Jena: "Milk is proof that God exists."
Sam: "Milk is proof that cows exist."
Jena: "Is God a cow?"
Sam: "Yes. Rain is when the angels go milk God."

Julian: "The great Jewish dinosaur: she speaks Yiddish and then eats you."
Jena: "Oh, bubbe, what a great big schmuck you have!"

Jena: "My boyfriend is 'leet: seven-three-three-plus."

Jena: "I might read another article in my magazine before I go to sleep. By article, I mean the word the or a."

Jena: "He's not my boyfriend. He's not. He's not. He's not. (Pause.) Doth the lady protest too much?"
Chloë: "Yes, she doth. She also hath a lithp. Altho."

I was very bored at breakfast one day, as illustrated by the following. Or, if you would prefer an alternative explanation: je suis Sam. Sam, je suis. J'aime les ouefs et le jambon verts. Aimez-vous les ouefs et le jambon verts?
"Les aimerez-vous avec ta mere? Les aimerez-vous avec ton pere?
Les aimerez-vous sur un bateau? Les aimerez-vous dans un chateau?
Les aimerez-vous sur un arbre? Les aimerez-vous dans une chambre?
Les mangerez-vous avec ta bouche? Les aimerez-vous dans la douche?
Les aimerez-vous dans un parc? Les aimerez-vous proche l'arc?"

Julian: "Beautiful women are intimidating."
Jena: "Well, that doesn't mean I'm intimidating."
Julian: "Which part of 'beautiful woman' doesn't apply here?"
Jena: "Woman."

Julia (upon exit from bathroom): "Why do you have so many good books to read in the bathroom? You were probably thinking, 'She must have a stomachache,' or 'What'd she eat?'"
Jena (upon exit from bathroom, several minutes later): "I ate so many good books that I got a stomachache."

Jena: "Goodnight, Blythee. Goodnight, moon. Goodnight, crack. Goodnight, spork and foon."

Jena: "They're going out of business backwards."
Sam: "They're coming into business."
Jena: "They're going out of business -- ass first."

Chloë: "I'm nosy."
Mollie: "I'm nosy."
Chloë: "We're nosy and catty and..."
Mr. R. (in passing): "I'm Rosie!"

Chloë: "I don't want to get pneumonia."
Jena: "But don't you want to be all clean and shiny and disinfected?"

On the subject of Alanis Morissette:
Adam: "What's ironic is that her song about irony isn't about irony at all."
Jena: "I wonder if it's intentional meta-irony."

Chloë: "I hate things that aren't square."
Jena: "It's hip to be square. Am I square? I always thought I was sort of round."
Chloë: "Hourglassshaped?"
Jena: "Yeah, hourglasses are hard to wrap."

Roberta: "Why does nobody think I'm funny when I try but everybody think I'm funny when I don't? Last night I was singing, 'I get a kick out of fondue.' Is that funny?"

Greg and I are strange people online.
Greg: "I had an english assignment which is to write a scene...do you think i could just talk to you for an hour, and then cut and paste the transcript into Word?"
Jena: "If we can find something to conflict about. (Inasmuch as is possible via IM, melodramatically:)Oh, Greg, i don't think we should carry our relationship any further..."
Greg: "Why are you such a b*tch? Fine with that! (Jena announces that she is cowering in the corner.) And you were always more nerdy than sexy!"
Jena: "Is it my cue yet? Or am I still in the corner?"
Greg: "Why did you have to kill my lover?"

I forget who besides me was involved in this one.
"Babies are pink
dead people are blue
revenge is sweet
and so are you."

got anything to share with me?