Linda: "He is strong like Russian woman."
Jena: "I am weak like American man."

Andy: "That's geophysical paradise."

Talia: "Once you're a wheel, you're kinda stuck."

Talia: "I am a cavity-less, spleen-loving wind-blocker."

On Phil's usefulness.
Amber: "He kills the bugs."

Mack: "I just spent this weekend paper writing, at a party, and at a funeral. You got a soulmate. Who got the better deal there?"

Blythe's mom: "Can you please tell me about last night's revelry? What's this I hear about sailors?"

Jon was not in character at the time...
Jon: "I want to throw my foot at you, but it seems to be attached."

I love rehearsal.
J. Ro: "It's just semen, guys. It's not clown paint or anything."

Amanda: "Can I be excused? Such language offends my fetus."

Ben: "Jon, are you still drunk? Oh, yeah, and sorry I'm late."

On the subject of airport delays and other such.
Chloë: "They don't know their asses from their snowplows."

Ryan: "It's amazing how these washing machines violate the fabric of space-time."

Jem: "If you could hold off peeing until, let's see, it's ten now so maybe twelve-thirty, I'd appreciate that."

Jena: "I handed in my last paper, so I'm free."
Thane: "To do what? Flirt with as many guys as possible?"
Jena: "I didn't think you knew me that well."

Jesse: "I don't like to call girls shallow because girls who are shallow tend to be hot."

Jena: "Chloë wants to know if he looks like he's made out of play-doh?"
Jem: "That's how crackbabies look."

Richard: "We don't need to lock the door. We have a Marine."

Jesse: "It's like comparing love and pineapples."
Jena: "On the whole, I prefer pineapples."

Spider: "...hoedown."
Richard: "I didn't hoe."
Spider: "But did you get down?"

Jesse: "You can call it spinach."
Jena: "Did I really say lettuce?"

Jena: "Seb, will you marry me? I've always wanted to marry a Muppet."
Sebastian: "Sure, I've always wanted to marry a girl."

Names omitted to protect the "innocent."
"That smells like marijuana...."
"No, it smells like collard greens. Raw collard greens."

Tristan: "You know who Enrico Fermi is, right?"
Jem: "Yeah. He's my cousin, I think, or uncle."

During an 8:30am firedrill.
Erin: "Uncross your arms so I can read your shirt?"
Jena: "It says I'm not wearing a bra. Rather loudly, in fact."

Jesse is an assmonkey. I mean, Jethy ith an athmonkey.
Jena: "Thnell-Hitchcock thuckths."
Jesse: "Why doeth it thuck?"
Jena: "Because I thay tho."

Jena: "If pleather were a place, where would it be? New Jersey!"

Jon: "Twenty...the marriage decade!"

On the topic of a drunken friend's saunter.
Jesse: "Overall, not a bad impression of a sine wave."

Jesse: "ATA is an asscrack on wings."

Jena: "My idea of hell is a giant airport."
George: "Where all the flights are always cancelled."
Jena: "And you have to sleep in those hard plastic chairs."
George: "And all they ever give you is airline food."

Toni: "The more Jesus you eat, the better."

Phil explains mass.
Phil: "Talking talking talking, and then you get a snack, talking talking talking."

Phil: "I don't like Woodward. It makes me think of meningitis.

Jerri Chen, where are you?
Man on video: "The sun is moving back and forth like a restless llama."

Egon: "My underwear's got a sort of Southern motif. See, it's got dead cow skulls on it today!"

Homeless man: "How are you today?"
Jena: (grudgingly) "Fine."
Homeless man: "I can see how good you look. How are you?"

Man: "...Rock Hudson died of AIDS, and I look like him..."

Girl 1: "Is he short?"
Girl 2: "Does he look like a chicken-McNugget?"

Jim: "I've never been corn-tipping."

Mother: "How's your friend Jeremy?"
Son: "Short."

Adam: "I do not work in the mundane, I work in the toilet."

I haven't called the number, but the area code is (212). Tell me what it says if you do.
Subway conductor: "Once again, if you need hypnosis, this is 34th on the orange S. And don't forget to call 330-3000."

MIT senior: "Get the freshman girls quick, before the senior guys do or they get fat."

Notice board in subway: "Normal service this weekend. Nothing important."

Jude: "She's not high maintenance. I give her my heart and she's content."

So a street ministry gave me a pamphlet with David Berkowitz's testimonial on how Christ saved his soul. Anyway, wouldn't the testimonial of a man who murdered six people make you want to run screaming the other way from a religion?
Pamphlet: "God has miraculously transformed 'Son of Sam' into 'Son of Hope.' He wants to perform the same kind of transformation in your heart and life today."

Jena: "I want your job."
Man in alien suit: "If you're serious, we're hiring."

Brett: "She has a mouth like a Hoover and a body like a Porsche."
Jen: "You got that out of some movie!"
Brett: "Nope."
Jen: "Yes, yes, you did. 'Mouth like a Hoover' is Cruel Intentions, and 'body like a Porsche' is..."
Brett: "No, I'm actually just brilliant."

Jude: "Jena’s made of sugar and cinnamon and teddy bears."

Iris: "Have a good weekend. Don't drink too much."

If I had to rely on a guide dog to get around, I'd treat the cur damn well.
Blind woman to dog: "Jojo, find the subway. Jody. Find. The. Fucking. Subway. Now. God. Da--ooooh, good girl."

Man on subway: "Six years a crackhead, and now I'm a preacher. That's Jesus for you."

Jena: "So I took a detour through hell on my way home today."
Julian: "Why didn't you tell me you were coming to Mahopac?"

Spastic Starbucks woman: "Do you want me to leave room for milk in there? How many times have I asked you that? Seven? I'm not usually this spastic. No, I'm not usually this spastic? No, I'm not. Okay, so no milk, I don't know why I'm so spastic today. Right, you did say you didn't want me to leave room for milk? (Muttering:) Do I have an inner monologue?"

Jena: "Bring your bathing suit. We can swim."
Talitha: "Who needs a bathing suit?"

Ian: "And I said it, so it must be so."
Jena: "'And God said, "Let there be light." And there was light. And God saw that it was good.'"
Ian: "Basically."
Jena: "So God is a cocky sixteen-year-old boy?"
Ian: "That's him."
Jena: "So God is a cocky sixteen-year-old boy with sh*tty grammar?"

Man with flyers: "Take one. It's nothing dirty; it's just food."

I swear to...someone that he was talking about the restaurant Vong. I swear.
Freddie: "Jay, when are you going to that bong thing?"

Blythee: "But, but, but...you can't be 2 going on 82, because the OLD MAN is 82."

So Blythee and Jamie and I roomed together at Buck's Rock in '98, and for half the summer we had a fourth roommate who was really easy to make fun of.
Blythee: "Thump thump thump, ohmygod he's on crack, slam!"

Greco: "Don't have sex with my daughter!"
Ji-Young: "Oooh! Say that again!"

Alex: "Turn pink, Graham! Turn pink!"
Graham: "No. It's not nice."

Mack: "Art Garfunkel good-looking? That's like comparing suck to ass."

Jena: "You know that book? With the dogs and they don't smell the Jews in the boat because the handkerchief? And the little girl wakes up in the middle of the night because they're having a war and they tell her it's fireworks for her birthday?"

---

There are many many reasons not to see movies with me and Chloë. Atlantis is a very good example.

Jena: "Dude, they're like God!"
Chloë: "But they're also like Transformers!"

Chloë: "You get to be the love interest. I get to be the cat."

Chloë: "This set is left over from The Little Mermaid."
Jena: "And this one's from FernGully!"

Jena: "She has pointy boobs. (She pauses.) Actually, they're kind of hexagonal."

Chloë: "I love his fingernails."

---

Bob: "Five dolla, five dolla, yo momma, five dolla!"

Stage manager: "Please take the time to unwrap any hard candies you think you may need later."

Mack: "It's gotta be convenient having a birthday that falls on the first of the month."

Jena: "It's Friday."
Mack: "That just means that all the answers are fish."
Jena: "You are such a Catholic."

Mommy: "We're not fighting about money; we're just depressed by how many bills there are."

Jena: "Alex, I dreamed about your mother last night. I've never met her, but she was wearing a leather belt for a necklace."
Alex: "You've never met my mother? Really?"
Chloë: "I've met your mother."
Chloë (a bit later): "How did you know it was Alex's mother, exactly?"
Jena: "Because my father told me so."
Chloë: "Oh. (After thinking:) Does he know Alex's mother, then?"

Jena: "Hi, Morris. What's my name?"
Morris: "Jena. You're the Jena in twelfth grade, not the loser Jena."

Overheard in an elevator:
Man: "Bush needs to try on some conservative compassion."

Alex: "I would buy girl pants, but there's no room for little Dan Greco."

Scrabble in the hallway.
Mack: "Is Noam Chomsky a legal word?"
Racle: "How about IR?"

Jena: "It's like opening a can of whoopass, only it's opening a cookie jar of sex."

Nikki: "Oh my god, I feel like I'm having an ectopic pregnancy."

Eugene: "You should get a pair of Docs. They would match so well with everything you wear. Then you would be ... my fashion icon."

Eugene: "Where did you get the spanakopita?"

Greg: "It's sort of disconcerting to talk to yourself face-to-face."

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