[06.05.01]
Well, it's been a long ass time since I've updated, I know... sorry. Quite a bit has went on, even tho not that much has went on if you get me. Megan and I are still together, most important things first, and we're probably going to get together Tuesday for out 2 month anniversary and hang out. Awe... anyway I also am allowed to do acid again, by Megan. She doesn't really approve of it, but she's putting up with it anyway. Let's see, what else - I'm going to look for those flowers again, see if they've started growing yet; they'd be a really sweet gift for Megan.
I took 750 or so mg of DXM on Friday night, and although I can't say best trip ever it was certainly a fucked up one. It started by me just listening to music and such watching the viz, normal... things got messed up but it was basically normal. Then I remembered that I was supposed to walk out to Heather Benson's for Bud's birthday party that night - since my mom wouldn't let me go via car and stay the night. So I end up starting my walk and everything is just weird, and I have hardly any energy and things are just not working right, and bwah, and I look like hell and anyway I get picked up by this guy that I didn't know and he gave me a ride. I was in no condition to argue, and he seemed nice enough, pretty cool guy, cute girl too. So anyway, he drops me off at Heather Benson's house, and I see Zach and everything's going okay. So what do I do not more than 5 minutes after I get there? I puke over a fence. Go me...After that I feel a hell of a lot better, but Deana an old friend of mine is going through problems and she's all drunk and everything so I've gotta try and pull myself to normal and understand what's going on. so I find out she's moving, she doesn't know where to, and she's going to miss me a lot and Zach too, and that everything's just not fair, and she tells me all this stuff she's never told anyone else, I'm lucky I wasn't on acid coz I swear I'd have gone off my rocker and had a bad trip (worse than what I had going on the DXM... if possible). So I give her a few hugs, she really is a nice person, she always has tried to be a good friend to everyone. So anyway, I seem to have got that handled to the best of my ability, and I went back to the rest of the party. The acid dealer was there, and a few people I didn't know, and then the usual few. A chick took a piss in front of me and that was odd, of course I didn't pay any attention to her, she's probably a little slut anyway and I've got a girlfriend dammit! Time passes and eventually I get a ride home from Zach, and sneak back in, go to bed. I wake up the next morning still feeling like hell and messed up beyond belief. Mom knows something's up, dad makes me mow the lawn. ACK! So I get on, everything's spinning, dad's saying things that make no sense to me... bwah.... Well, I managed to finish it fine, and nothing bad came of it. I watched "Nurse Betty" last night, it was a pretty damn senseless movie. It had only the most crude plot, and nothing was explained (not that it was hard to follow), some parts were funny but it was stupid for the most part. Oh well, I didn't pay for it. So this morning, I get up, ate breakfast, watched another stupid movie and mowed grandpa's lawn and that's basically all of today. I've got a bit of homework to do, so I'll be making sure that gets finished, and then I'm ready for another week of school starting Monday... ah life.
[datum 12.05.01]
So, there's really not a lot to say. My sister's birthday was and is going to be celebrated this weekend. I didn't have to stick around for her friends duration here though, so I took off. Zach picked me up, we went to Felpausch and got 4 bottles of Delsym. We each sucked ours down, and listened to music, hung out at the Playground of Dreams, and later in the night we went on a tripper's trip with a guy named Tim who I hooked up with half a bottle of Robo Honey Cough. It was a really fun night overall, even though I ended up with worn out socks and soaked pants and shoes at the end of it. Running through fields and the woods is cool as hell on DXM, everything is different. Maybe soon we'll all do it again on LSDXM. It was Jonah's first DXM trip last night and he seems to really like it, he's a lot like me in some ways but he's more energetic kinda, I dunno. Anyway, it was really fun, and I was able to convince my mom that I wasn't on anything enough to not say anything at least, maybe she'll actually let me stay at Steve's now, probably not, I'll probably have to beg still, but that's all I can do I guess.
Megan and I are still together, and I'm very happy with her. I'm a lucky guy to have such a sweet girl like her, I really do love her. Much better than Merissa, that evil little.... anyway, we've been together more than two months, and going strong.
[datum 26.05.01]
So yesterday was prom, and I didn't go. I'm feeling bad about that too... I should have gone with Megan. I know Chris asked her first, and I don't really know how to dance, and I've got no money and on and on it goes, but she's my girl, I should have been at prom with her. I really hope she had a good time, really I do, if she didn't I'll feel all the worse about this. Nothing to be done about it now I suppose, it's too late. If we're still together, I will go with her next year. No question.
I've been slowly able to do more and more with Megan, I won't go into detail at all here due to possible readership (is anyone reading this?) but I will say I've been very happy with sitting with her during lunch and such. We've been experimenting a little here and there with kissing, a little longer and such here and there, I'm not too sure of her previous experience but I know I've got basically none. I do fully enjoy it now, something I've never been able to say previously.
I know I shouldn't write this here probably, and I'll probably get hell from it but I'm writing it regardless. I'm not sure which day it was, but before class once Megan was doing an exceptional job of turning me on, and I got a bit of a hard-on. A bit wouldn't quite cut it actually, more like full-on. Anyway, she noticed it and she seemed quite pleased with herself for having done it. I'm quite pleased with her having done it as well - although this isn't the first time she's given me one, I do believe it's the first time she's noticed. I could be mistaken however. Either way, ::scattered applause::.
I'm hoping for a bit of physical action before she leaves for Europe, a good-bye gift if you will. Not sure if I'll get it, but it's nice to look forward to possibility. Perhaps this here will cause me not to get it... as far as I know no one really reads this though, if that will save me.
On Friday I got into trouble for looking for "wink wink candy" as Megan referred to it. She very much doesn't seem to support this, and to tell the truth, I've been noticing myself having less and less of an urge to do it. Whether she'd believe me or not is another matter, but honestly, I really thought about not doing it this weekend. Regardless, I never found my dealer at school, and it's Saturday evening and I still don't have it, though I've talked to him and if he goes by my house then he said he'd stop by. Before I quit I really want Megan to do it once with me, she doesn't want to, and I understand how she is about it. I doubt she will ever take it, she seems to quite thoroughly have made up her mind about whether she wants to take it or not. I do strongly dislike DARE for putting it into the mind of many that drugs have to be a bad thing. Why is that so? If someone is responsible in taking them, and doesn't over do it I believe that nearly anything can have positive effects upon people. Megan told me that she cannot get past the idea that it's a bad thing, I hope sometime that she can though, it's not. Her mother has told her not to be with anyone that uses drugs, obviously she isn't listening so far, but that isn't to say that she won't change her mind. I love Megan, really I do, I'd hate to lose her for any reason, but above all I'd hate to lose her because of this. If it so happens that the only way she'll stay with me is if I quit, then whether I would have otherwise or not, I will stop for her. Otherwise, as time passes I will probably become less and less interested by it, and will do it less often and maybe sometime not at all, until then I hope she can look past it. I am not a bad person, I care more about her than anything, anything at all. I just know she knows this in her heart, I'm sure of it.
If she would take acid once with me, whether it's that she's doing it with me because it's my last time doing it or she's just going to try it once to see what it's all about and I'll still go on using it normally, it doesn't matter. I just want to open her up to a new way of things, not necessarily a new way of thinking about drugs, or a new way of thinking about life, or anything in particular, just a new view. It's hard to describe, but I knew the first time I took acid that I was changed for the positive. There was just something about it that completely amazed me, and I want to share that feeling with as many people as possible, but her more than any. I hope she sticks by whatever she believes in though, and doesn't feel like I'm pressuring her into it. Above all I don't want her to feel like that, like I forced her to do anything, that just wouldn't do at all. The only thing I plan on pushing is the physical thing, but slowly at that, just a little at a time. I was talking to a girl who's younger than me, and her boyfriend wanted to have sex at two and a half weeks! That took me by surprise, that's just too soon and I know it. Absolutely no doubt in my mind that that's too soon. Even for just oral sex, hell even for just touching, that's way too soon. Let's see, for touching (everywhere), I'd say a month or two is fine. Long enough for both people to get an idea of whether the other really means to stay with them, or if they're just playing games. For oral sex, somewhere between three to five months, of course these would be changed to a bit lower for an adult, I'm just going with teenage relationships. Yes, three to five months seems long enough to me for oral sex, since you have to know whether the other person in the relationship really means what they say by this long, and you should know what your true feelings for them are, and whether you plan on staying with them or not. For sex, six months to a year, depending on how old the couple is, for younger teens, like 13 or 14 they really should wait until they're a bit older, just because. I don't know, maybe my ideas for this are a bit short, I'm sure some people would say that it's too long a wait. I think that you should wait a while, I mean, it should be worth it to you to wait. I know that it'd be worth it to me to wait a year, or even longer with Megan. Really, I can't even put that much into wanting to have sex, granted right now I'm extremely horny and I'm not really sure why. For some reason, lately I've been thinking about sex a lot, and I mean a lot. I want to have sex, now, but I will wait. I have to wait. I won't pressure Megan into sex, no - oral on the other hand, perhaps I'll slowly put the idea into her head. Like I said, I want to do something before she goes to Europe. Do something that would give her something to come back to, something to think about and yearn to do again while she's gone, and as much for me as for her. We'll see, that's all we can do. I've given up looking for an alley (this is an inside joke), we'll have to do it in a car, a bed, or maybe in the woods, lol - yeah that just sounds weird, but it could be romantic, it just depends on how we go about it. I think I know the perfect spot if we do, it was very nice to me at the time anyway, we'll see.
I just noticed I've written a good deal of a lot, my my my I'm quite talkative today. Oh, about Chicago, Steve and I went and we had a grand old time. My was it insane though, lol, we were a good deal of messed up, a great deal actually. Holy shit... I'll provide a link to a website that has my trip report on it as soon as the guy puts it up.
Oh, Megan was having... feminine troubles during a day last week, supposedly she gets that sometimes, she said it was worse last time than normal, I hope that's not a sign of what's to come though. She took some meds and was supposedly feeling much better later that day, so that's good. I'm going to support her though all of it though, normally I don't want to have anything to do with this sort of thing, and I don't even want to hear about it, but I really wanted to help her any way I could. I think I did too, I was rubbing her lower back, she said that the heat seemed to help more than the rubbing itself, but the rubbing was generating heat anyway, so I kept it up. I hope it did help her out, I hate to have her in any pain. She said something not so very good though, and I hope it was just because of the pain and she didn't really mean it, she said she didn't want to have a baby herself, but instead wanted to adopt, this isn't good. I really want to have a baby with my wife, and not adopt if we can at all help it (I'd understand if she couldn't have a baby, of course) but if she won't do it because of fearing the pain, then I don't know what to do. I wouldn't leave her because of it, but that would really be something big. I hope she didn't mean it, but only time will tell. I really have written too much, and I'm certain to get yelled at for some or all of it, so I'll stop now. Ta ta.