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My Journal

July 2001

[16.07.01]

Seems to me that this is becoming a monthly journal instead of a daily journal... oh well, I do it when I think of it. Well, I went over to Megan's house yesterday, her parents are pretty cool, her brother is cool, her brother's wife is cool, and their baby is cute. So I guess overall I like her family. More than I can say for my family... Megan's gone off to Europe now, she said she'd write, I hope she doesn't spend all her time writing everyone letters though! Lately I've been talking to Ariel a lot, probably because she's been doing dex. Anyway, I haven't spent any time with any of my friends lately, due to my mom and dad being TOTAL FUCKING ASSHOLES and not letting me. I detest my family now, and I've considered living at Zach's house as soon as I turn 16. I'm almost positive his mom would let me too, she is actually nice to an extent, unlike my mom. Now, they won't even let me hang out with Rick and FreakShow, claiming he's too old and asking "Why would a 19 year old want to hang out with you?", they're really not giving me any reason at all to want to stay here. They've been using the Mercedes as leverage, saying that if I get caught on dex again they'd pull me out of driver's ed, and not give me the Benz when I graduate... I'm beginning to wonder if it's even worth it anymore. I'm sure that if I moved out when I turn 16 that would be the first thing they take away from me, I just don't know anymore... Other than this, I'm elated, and everything is going really well. I enjoy life now, unlike last year during the entire fiasco with Merissa. I've got a girlfriend, I've got basically everything I want, now I just need to fucking get out of this damn house!

[30.07.01]

Why is it that all drug use is automatically drug abuse? I am a drug user. I partake in the use of drugs on a bi-weekly to monthly basis; I do not consider myself to be a drug abuser. I use drugs, not even only to 'have a good time' as many of my friends do - a behavior I look down upon, but to explore possibilities, and think outside of normal bounds. What is wrong with this? Why has society decided that this is such a deplorable practice? Who does it hurt? Myself? If that's the case, then why on earth does everyone seem to insist on getting in the way? I understand the possible consequences, and I have decided to take my chances; if something happens to me, then that's the way it is, and I won't blame anyone else but myself, and I won't regret it. Of course my parents don't understand this, I don't believe they have the capability to understand.
I consider myself the smartest person I know, for the pure reason that I believe I am. None of them seem to have the ability to comprehend even the most simple things. My mother believes I don't care about anyone but myself, she's very much wrong in that respect - I do care about others, I care about some people a lot more than I do myself; just not her, my father, or my sister. She seems to think that I am selfish, because I don't think of *her* and because I don't care about *her* - I don't think I'm the one being selfish here. I care about my friends. Zach, Steve, Ariel - they mean a lot to me, a lot. In the case of Zach and Ariel, they both helped me through a really rough period in my life (even though Zach caused half of it :) ), dealing with Merissa and all the shit she put me through. I lived through it only because of them, and in a way I guess I owe them my life. Megan, I care about her most of all. When I first started to recover from all the shit that went on, there she was to help bring me to the top. I've been more than happy since we started to go out, I've been absolutly elated! She is the most important person in my life, and I'd do anything for her. I love her, I really, really do, and as long as we're together nothing can go wrong.
I will do as I wish. I will do drugs, not just DXM, not just LSD. I'll discover other drugs: 5MeO-DiPT, 2C-T-7, 2C-B, LSA, psilocybin, the list will go on and on. I will try almost anything once. People say 'you only live once', then why spend your life doing things you don't want to do, going to work day in and day out, not having any fun for yourself. I'll have fun, I'll do what I want to do, and that's that.

'"How can I tell," said the man, "that the past isn't a fiction designed to account for the discrepancy between my immediate physical sensations and my state of mind?"'

- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"

'"I only decide about my Universe," continued the man quietly. "My Universe is my eyes and my ears. Anything else is hearsay"'

- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"

'
HEAD means Headonic Engineering and Development. It consists of learning to use the primate brain for fun and profit.

At the time of our story the HEAD Revolution, after an underground existance of many centuries, included only about 2 percent of the domesticated primates on Terra. The rest of the domesticated primates were still using their brains for misery and failure.

They did not know they were misusing their brains. They thought there was something wrong with the universe.

They called it the Problem of Evil.

Experts on the Problem of Evil were known as theologians. These were very erudite primates, skilled in primate logic, who wrote long books trying to answer the question "Why did God create an imperfect universe?"

"God" was their name for the hypothetical biggest-alpha-male-of-all. Being primates, they could not comprehend how anything could run if there weren't an alpha male in charge of it.

They assumed the universe was imperfect because it was obviously not set up for the convenience of domesticated primates.

The universe was not even designed for the convenience and comfort of the six-legged majority on Terra. The convenience and comfort of planetside species has very little to do with the cosmic drama.

A few of the primates had realized this. They were known as cynics.

'

- Robert Anton Wilson, "Schroedinger's Cat Trilogy"

'Simon Moon seized the microphone and began a long, unintelligible speech about the Drug Problem. In each of our major cities, he seemed to be saying, there are thousands of people who desperately need dope. For all practical purposes these people simply cannot live unless they get "high." He estimated the number of afflicted adults in the nation at well over 125,000,000, and said their habits included, but were not limited to, Valium, marijuana, Miltown, uppers, downers, acid, cigarettes, booze, aspirin, DMT, cocaine, peyote, and Coca-Cola. He called upon all concerned citizens to donate their surplus dope to a huge pile in the center of each city, to be called the Public Trough, from which the needy could take what was necessary to keep them functioning.'

- Robert Anton Wilson, "Schroedinger's Cat Trilogy"