[Datum 19.12.0]
Woke up at 5:45 and took a shower, didn't find out we didn't have school until afterwards. Claimed I was going back to sleep, but instead got online and checked my email, and read amm. Went back to sleep around 7:20am. Woke up at around 8:45am after a really weird dream while I'll outline here:
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I went to a house of someone's - not sure who's, and I brought my cat Bandit. Merissa, Ms. Geisen (my art teacher), and one of Merisa's friends were there, I'm at this point unsure where the cat is. Merissa and I start to flirt around a bit, and her friend says something about "I thought you and Merissa would be bad together [negatively towards me], but you are a cute couple" The friend goes away, or something, either way all attention goes away from her. Merissa goes and starts making grilled cheese sandwiches (?), and while she's doing that she makes some comment that I can't quite remember about harps or someone playing a harp or something. I have a rather large "slice" of fruit (could have been watermelon or something of that sort), and I start cutting it a little, trying to make a little harp out of it. A whole bunch of people start showing up, none that I recognize, but everyone is welcomed in like family - all the while I'm still playing with my fruit. More people come, and I notice the time, and decide I should leave. As I walk out, I notice my cat is outside, and when I walk towards it, it runs away from me, into a "shed." I follow it, and there are lots of other cats in there, and they're all very mean. In the process of trying to get Bandit I get scratched twice by a couple cats. I grab Bandit and take him out of the shed. At this moment I notice that another cat of mine, Bear, is also near the shed. I have no idea how he got there, but I go to get him. He also runs into the shed. I get scratched again, across the face - just under the eye, but am unable to find Bear. As I go to leave, a very large cat, literally the size of a dog attacks a porcupine that wandered into the shed. At first it gets quills in its paw, but the second swipe kills it. I run back to the house and tell Ms. Geisen about my cat. She walks out and goes to get him, she brings him back, and I ride a bike home with both cats in my backpack. |
Slightly odd, yes? God damn my head must have been pretty damn fucked up before I went to bed that second time. There are a few things I can recognize from the dream that happened earlier that may have contributed to them appearing in the dream. I haven't been talking to Merissa much lately, so I'm constantly thinking about her, I went on a trip to Chicago with Ms. Geisen and Merissa. Most of Merissa's friends don't like me. The "fruit" may have come from a friend of my friend Beth calling her a fruit (read: derogatory term meaning "homosexual") earlier that day, I may have been trying to make the harp because I'm constantly trying to impress Merissa in some way or another. "Cat" may be "Pussy" (read: derogatory term meaning female sexual... yeah, anyway) thus being girls attacking me (they just don't like me for some reason...) The porcupine and my cats being there is entirely nonsensical, as is me riding a bike (anyone that knows me also knows that I don't own one, nor ride one well) What a pickle I've made for myself... anyone have any ideas?? email me at sonofagun@superheronumberone.com
After the dream, I got back online and read amm again, looked in #amm on IRC - no one was there, so got out of that and decided to "broaden my horizons" and download new music. I got a big list of album recommendations, and I'm going through and download a couple songs from each. Pitchshifter is pretty damn neato btw. "I can't deny it, it's killing me/No one loses on TV" w00+. At 12:00pm I watched "The Screen Savers" on TechTv... of course there wasn't anything that I didn't know (I was yelling out "codec" during one of the calls...) Ich bin geek. I've spent most of the day ripping KMFDM cds, only 9 left. I'm thinking of redesigning the whole site, probably a good idea if I plan on having anyone actually read it. Do I? Why not. Well, now, see what you made me do? A new interface for the site yep yep yep.
I've repeatedly come to the conclusion today that:
AFAIK I'm finished with ripping cds. This is a good thing, as doing it is immensely annoying and repetitive to me. My mom won a contest, free movies for a year at Celebration Cinema, isn't that great - now she gets to go more often, and then buy popcorn and pop every time. Aren't those advertising agents geniuses? The answer is "yes."
I am so damn bored, really I am. I downloaded a few more songs, Snog is pretty damn cool. I can't find any lyrics to the songs though!!! We (third person) are hoping that we don't have school tomorrow, again. So fucking what I have to make the damn days up in June - I don't care in the least! NO SCHOOL NOW.
[datum 20.12.0]
Woke up at my usual 5:30, hit snooze button. Woke up at 5:40 feeling much better. Took shower etc. we had school today :-( Filled up my mp3 player with Snog and such and got on the bus, listened to it and started writing a note to Merissa. Soon Justin Siego got on, and felt as if he had to sit with me. Fuckage. Stopped writing my note for a bit, still listening to music. Time passes, got to school. Ladeda...
So, now I'm home and I've got a major headache. The kind of headache you wish someone would just shoot you to get rid of it - but no one will. I've got 4 "diamonds" in my pocket that I want to take, but I also want to wait until this weekend, take them at Zach's, maybe with his sister too. I really think it'd be something new to take it while with a girl, just because. I don't expect anything to happen, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want anything to happen anyway. DAMN THIS HEADACHE. I just got a call from my mom, she locked her keys in her car... of all the... anyway, she's screwed until my dad gets home or calls or whatever. Snog is übercool. I'm still downloading songs by them. I'm going to end up with a collection, maybe I should ask for a cd for Christmas. Third Mall from the Sun or Buy Me... I'll Change Your Life I love this. The lyrics to "This is Capitalism" are going on my folder tomorrow, replacing "It tolls for thee" by Pig. I got a lot of weird responses from that one.
[datum 21.12.0]
Woke up at the normal time, hit sleep button as usual. Woke up again... ::time passes:: woke up again, this time at 6:00 - little late, but it's okay. Mom is late for work. I get in the shower, dadedadeda etc. fill my mp3 player with Snog again, get on bus ::time passes:: school again
Back home, nothing to do (that I want to anyway). Reading amm, downloading more Snog mp3s, and blah. I wish I had something fun to do, but I know that nothing will ever make me happy. I'm just not the type of person that is ever satisfied with anything. That's how it is, and there's no way around it. For every good thing, a million bad things happen. For every time I have fun, I could remember 20 occasions in which I was miserable. I have friends, kind of, but I can't trust anyone. I like girls, but they'd never want to be with me. People I don't even know think I'm a freak, or so says Bobbi - I'm sure it's true, Bobbi is nice. I don't really think she's my type, but then again, who is? Merissa. That's who, but more and more I'm discovering that she does things that I really couldn't "approve" of, I'm doomed to be alone.
[datum 22.12.00]
Woke up at 5:30, hit sleep button. Woke up at 5:45, took a shower, got dressed, did hair, etc. stood at door waiting for the bus 'till 7:20 only to have my mom (who was up at the time because of some contest or something) tell me that they just announced that school was canceled. Thank you Eaton Rapids for telling me... I got online and wasted some time, downloaded a song or two. I then decided to attempt to go back to bed, which I kinda sorta did. I arose at around 9:30 to find my mom up and doing postcard stuff. I was still online. ::time passes:: I spend most of the morning talking with my mom, making fun of various races (Mexicans mostly, though I think that I made fun of Jews, Islamic people, French people and etc. throughout the morning.) racial slurs are cool. The song "Feliz Navidad" is much funnier when pictured being sung by short, fat, dirty Mexicans. ::time passes:: Not a lot going on, I go back online, not a lot is happening, but I download a couple more songs. Snog still rules, although my mom can't say it with a straight face. ::time passes:: It's not the evening, and I receive an IM from Val, entirely unexpected since she hasn't made any effort to talk to me in months, I'm usually the one that IMs her (and these times are sparse). She asks how to say various things in German. Why on earth I wonder, but soon I find out that she broke up with her boyfriend Matt, not a big surprise there, I knew he was basically nothing but a loser the whole time anyway, but it's her life. So I help her out being the nice guy I am. I'm not sure, but I seemed to sense the slightest bit of flirtation during our conversation (just little remarks, and the way she presented things to me). It's probably my imagination, I couldn't see why she'd be interested in me, but sure, why not. I'm a certified 8.x grade geek. Though only a 4.3 grade hotty - that's slightly depressing, but I guess you can't have the best of both worlds, lol. I will soon be taking four hits of acid. My first time ever taking more than two. Now let me tell you, two is fun. Very fun. Four should be great. Though I'm doing this alone, so it's probably not going to be as fun as usual. Most of the time I'm with Zach, we have a great time, always funny. Now I'll be alone with music, visualization plug-ins, and a black light. Not to mention a nice little journal to write in, I may make an entry while tripping, but there's a good chance I won't feel like it, lol
Well well well, it just so happens as to I'm here. At 3:14am. How wonderful. Before I go on, let me just say that four hits is great. Isn't it amazing how things just collapse, and the only thing you can do is stand back and watch it happen? AFAIK, Merissa and I are officially over. Not that there ever was a "Merissa and I" to begin with. A true statement is, "it doesn't even matter how hard ya try" - because really it doesn't, I could have put no effort into a relationship with her, and felt the same way I feel now. I'm thinking about becoming a-sexual, celibate or whatever. People are the scum of the planet and should be wiped out of existence. To use a wise woman's words against her - she can go fuck herself, because I certainly plan to. I wonder if she even cares at all, in the least. I bet she does, as much as she won't show it, I bet she does. I know I do, but I'll get over it. I won. "In the end it doesn't even matter." I won.
[datum 23.12.0]
Woke up around 10:30am, still slidey. I'm entirely conscious of what happened last night, and AFAIK it was due time for it. So ladies, I'm entirely free now - any takers? ::silence:: Thought not, oh well. So I'm listening to :W:, VNV Nation, and a bunch of other stuff that I haven't listened to in a little while, nice to hear it again. I'm entirely bored, but that's no different from any other day. I'm really not looking forward to reading that book (The Red Badge of Courage) entirely unappealing to me right now, and to have to write those damn chapter summaries. Ugh I hate that class. I don't know what I'm going to do in Fahner's either, this year has been entirely stupid and a waste of time. I can't wait until someone sets off the bomb, just get rid of everything, things will be more peaceful that way.
My new favorite song is "The Ballad" by Snog - I suggest anyone that's reading this to go get it.
when the working day is done[datum 24.12.0]
"'twas the night before Christmas..." Yep, Christmas eve.
I got up at noon, go me. Parents went out shopping for a bit. Listened to music, read amm etc. took a shower, and my parents got home just after that. Mom got all her wrapping done early (4:30pm) today, so she doesn't have to stay up late like usual. She still has to make some sort of thing to take to grandma's for dinner tomorrow. Something that would save her time, but she never ever does it, is to separate the presents under the tree, like put presents that we'll open at home on one side of the tree, presents we open at my grandparents on my mom's side on another, and grandparents on my dad's side on another. That would save so much time since we wouldn't have to go through and sort everything out again - but no, just toss them all under the tree and we'll deal with it later... bleh. For the first time in a while we're going to my grandma on my mom's side tonight only to visit, and we'll go tomorrow to open the presents. Usually we go on Christmas eve and open presents, then only go to my dad's side on Christmas. Something new I guess, though it kinda sucks that I won't know my presents for a whole extra day than usual, lol.
[datum 25.12.0]
Not a whole lot to say here, I got presents, ate dinner, so on and so forth. It was basically boring, but whatever... good enough.
[datum 26.12.0]
I spent the day watching movies ("The Meaning of Life", "Life of Brian", "And Now for Something Completely Different", and "American Beauty"), and reading ("The Red Badge of Courage", "Illuminatus!"). I've been so very bored lately. Of course Merissa doesn't IM me, no... I'm not crawling back to her, I can say that much. From here forth, as long as I can stand it, if we're going to talk, she's going to IM me! Ahh shit... Bobbi offered to try and find a girl for me a couple days ago, how sweet - she doesn't know how hard of a time she'd have though. There is that one girl she sits with that is pretty damn cute though, but certainly she must have a guy already. There is no one that will perfectly fit what I'm looking for... a girl that is inexperienced, likes my kind of music, tells the truth almost all the time, is at least kinda cute, smart, trustful, white, and so on. The closest that it's gotten so far is Merissa, but she's such a sluty bitchy ugh... !!!!! I'm never going to find a girl. It's just impossible.
So, it's later now - 11:34 to be exact, well exact by my clock anyway, which probably means it's wrong. So, I'm chatting along with Merissa again, it's never a fun conversation anymore, but at least I seem to be on the upper-hand now. I expect to be getting an email from her sometime soon, no it won't be posted here. I'm trying to get her to instill trust in me, for as far as I know, I actually am the only person on earth that is trustworthy. Yes, I mean that. No one in the entire world is trustworthy except me. I am also the only smart person, the strongest, fastest, and most athletic person. Okay, yes, I made up all those last ones there, but that's to prove the point that I think that the human race is entirely worthless, and should be destroyed. No, it didn't help me prove my point well, but that's okay. I am god. Don't forget that.
ICH BIN GOTT!
see. I really have no more to discuss, so I'll be going along now.
[datum 27.12.0]
A lot happened today, but nothing happened either. Merissa and I have troubles we are trying to get over, it will take time, but hopefully it will be worth it in the end, to whatever end that may be. I really don't know anymore, all I need is to trust her, then everything will be fine, but I can't do that yet. We've been having troubles coming up with things to talk about lately. We still talk quite a bit, but there isn't much substance in it without us getting into some sort of argument, usually they're little ones over little things, which I guess if we have to argue it's best to have little ones than big ones - but as she pointed out, if we keep arguing over little things we'll never be able to fix the big problem. I'm basically out of things to say here now, except one: I hate that damn book.
Okay, yep, I'm back. AHHHH!!!!!!!!! God mother-fucking damn-it!!! I hate this, Merissa is pissed off, and I have no idea why, I'm guessing she read this - but I don't think I typed anything bad about her. Now she's doing a "diary" like this, I wonder if she's doing it so I'll read it? Anyway, she hasn't given me the address to it yet, it's her at&t page though, I'd guess there's probably some sort of directory of pages, but I'm not going to go looking for it. If she doesn't tell me what it is, then she must not want me to see it, and if that's her wish, so be it. Something to clarify, I can't trust her yet. Note _yet_. I do want to, and after time I probably will be able to, but things like that take time, just like anything that's worth doing, it doesn't just happen. You have to work for someone's trust. I thought I had Merissa's, I still hope I do. She's tearing me up inside, I try to not let her get to me, but she does. I can't ignore her, she really is worth all this to me though. If only I could trust her. But that will come in time. I will wait. But will she? - I also finished reading two more chapters of that damn book, I'm going to read two every day until I'm done. Hopefully that will be before 8.1.01, I hate doing things that are this important (200 points) at the last minute, they never seem to get done.
We reconciled. All is well. The world is good.
[datum 29.12.0]
Well, yeah, I know I missed a day... not much happened yesterday if that's anything to you. Today I got up at 11:00 - personal record for this week :-), and as a family (-dad) we went to the movies. We saw "The Emperor's New Groove" which I thought was a silly name for it, but it was cool, and it had llamas. No movie with llamas can be bad, it's just how things work. I'm "patiently" awaiting Merissa's return. I don't know what we'll talk about, or if we'll talk - but I love her. Oh yeah, I ordered two Snog CDs today "Buy Me... I'll Change Your Life" and "Third Mall from the Sun." Go me. They'll probably arrive in about 4 days, can't wait for that either. Not much else to talk about now, mom's probably getting her ring today, we're having DeLuca's pizza (My dad's favorite... I beg to differ!) for dinner. That's about it.
[datum 30.12.0]
Nothing happened today, am I'm not even kidding. Got up around 11:00, watched tv for an hour and a half, ate lunch, then wasted the day away. Nothing happened at all really, I chatted with Merissa for awhile. We seem to have run out of things to talk about tho, since we're not speaking atm, but that's okay. You can't expect to talk to someone day in day out constantly and always have something to say. I sent her a "note" on Bolt, odd little service there, kinda like Yahoo, but not in any way like Yahoo... it's a big popular teen hangout online if I have to give it a description. It's alright I guess, but certainly not anything special, I already got yelled at by people for not believing in god and not liking homosexuality - I just don't get along like that, lol. Merissa on the other hand has all these people she's been chatting with on there, I guess I just must not put enough effort into it... I'm not really worried about it though, hell, it's a community of people that think BSB and N'Sync are the best bands around, "homey don't play dat" if I do say so myself. I've got AMM, they're funny and entertaining. Good enough for me. I'll still use Bolt for "notes" to Merissa of course, but probably not for much else.
[datum 31.12.0]
Yep, new year's eve, the last time I'll be able to do my patented single digit year, what a dissapointment. This morning (that being, 11:30) I awoke to a wonderful note from Merissa with a request that I feel I must fulfill - I've got to call her. I said in the note I'd do it around 5:00, and I haven't heard/seen anything from her all day, so AFAIK it's still going to be 5:00, I hope she's home so I can at least do it for a purpose. So, I've been listening to music, playing with my silver pen, and sitting most of the day. I chatted with Jesse S. for a few, we don't really have anything in common, but she was the only one on and I was quite bored, she's pretty cool about everything, most of the preppy people at my school wouldn't give me the time of day let alone chat for about an hour. I've still got to finish reading that damn book - anyone who's reading this don't let me forget! I haven't seen much of Bobbi online throughout the entire break so far, but she doesn't really seem to be the type of person to be online much anyway. My mom is frantically running around the house taking down Christmas decorations and lights and the tree and so forth, something about bad luck if you leave the decorations up past the 31st. I'm planning on leaving my lights up year round while in college, so :P mom. I'm rather worried, I haven't been able to find my KMFDM Beat by Beat video for a few days, that's rather not replaceable too - where the hell could it be?! Anyway, I can't wait until my Snog CDs come in, I really need a new album to listen to. That EN cd is great and all, but it doesn't provide sustenance, just a headache, lol.
Well, it's now 010101. I can write the day in binary without changing it, lol... I count this as still under this day coz I haven't woken up so that's how it goes. I'm bored as hell, I spiked a SoBe, and I'm chatting with Merissa, there's only one better way I could've thought to spend my New Year's Eve - actually being with Merissa, not necessarily drunk since I'd rather remember it, but something would have been better than nothing. Actually now that I think about it, chatting with her is something, lol. Oh well, there will be many New Years Eves to come (since I'm God then I say there'll be precisely 12 more.) maybe next time. I downloaded one of my favorite games ever, "Formula One: Built to Win" it's a racing game for Nintendo that I used to rent all the time when I was like 7 or 8, it's damn cool coz you can upgrade your car as you go along and get better. Very innovative for the time, and still entertaining. I give that game 5 out of 5 stars, lol. I'm basically quite finished with this, so until tomorrow ::waves cowboy hat and rides out into sunset while Zach plays "cowboy":: buahahahaha!