Data 3: Enter Sailor Misery Chick The mansion that Ami was living in was pretty spacious, by Japanese standards. Ami woke up, flung off her nightshirt, and took a good look at herself in the mirror. For an egghead, she had quite an attractive body, even if she was small-breasted. Daria had settled in the next room, which was used as a guest room. Ami took off her panties, put on her robe, and went to the bathroom. As she was soaping herself up in the shower, Ami thought about everything that had gone on for the past five years or so. It had it horrifying moments as well as its triumphs, but now it seemed she was going to put this behind her for at least the next four years or so. As she stepped out of the shower again, she looked at herself again. Maybe Minako was right: she should cut loose once in a while. Maybe before she leaves, she should go out with some guy; she had a new blouse and miniskirt combo that she was dying to try out. As she put her robe on again and stepped out of the bathroom, Daria was waiting to enter. She looked beady-eyed without her eyeglasses, and was wearing a T- shirt and shorts as nightwear. "Had a good sleep, Daria?," Ami asked. "OK, but I still have major jet lag," replied Daria. "You'll get used to it," answered Ami; "By the way, I hope you adjusted your watch properly; remember, Japan does not observe Daylight Savings Time like you do back in the United States." "So I've heard," said Daria. "When do we leave for our first class?" "Soon," was Ami's reply. "And I hope you will wear the seifuku I gave you; it's our school uniform." "I still say it looks stupid on me," shot back Daria. Ami asked her, "Daria, do you actually wear those army fatigues, black skirt and combat boots to school back home?" "Yes, I do," Daria said. "It sends a message." "What message is that?," Ami wanted to know. Daria replied, "That I may be feminine, but I'm also tough as nails." "If you ever go out on the town," Ami continued, "there's some very good drop-dead minidresses I have that would look very good on you. And, by the way, have you ever considered wearing contact lenses?" "Too much trouble keeping them clean," replied Daria. "Other than that, you do look beautiful," replied Ami admiringly. "Thanks;" said a surprised Daria; "it's not everyday somebody says that about me. They usually call me 'The Misery Chick.'" "Well, I guess we'd better get the lead out and get dressed for school," stated Ami. "Right," responded Daria. "I hope you didn't use all the hot water." "There should be some left," said Ami, somehow unsure of herself. However, as Daria began to use the shower, she was greeted with a blast of Arctic-cold water. "That's the story of my life," she said. ----------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------- As they arrived for their first class, Ami and Daria noticed that Usagi was going to be late again. "What else is new," sneered Osaka Naru, whose mother ran a jewelry store. "Usagi is always late. She's like that school girl Magami Eiko on 'Project A-ko'. She always wakes up late for school, rushes like a maniac and still winds up being late for her first class. If only she had superhuman strength, superhuman speed and had Kotobuki Shiko in tow, as well as long-flowing red hair, the image would be perfect." "I've seen every film in that series," boasted Umino Gurio, the geeky guy who was Naru's boyfriend. "A-ko, B-ko and C-ko are real funny!" "And you must be 'The Upchuck of Japan!,'" sneered Daria. "What's an 'Upchuck?,'" Gurio asked. "Nevermind," replied Daria. Ms. Sakurada Haruna, who was the English teacher, stepped in the room. She noticed that it was time to start class. "Oh, that Usagi's going to be late again, as usual, I see," began Ms. Sakurada. "Well, that hasn't stopped me before. Shall we begin class? We've got a new student here today who will take Ami's place after she leaves for her medical studies in Germany. Care to introduce yourself?" Daria stepped up to the front of the room. "My name's Daria Morgendorffer," she began. "I'm from Lawndale High School on a foreign exchange program. I hope that I will do well in your school and not be treated like an outcast like I am back home." She bowed and resumed her seat. "Well, that was short and sweet," Ms. Sakurada responded. Suddenly, Usagi bolted into the room. "Sorry I'm late, Ms. S! The bus was late!," was Usagi's rather pathetic reply. "Usagi, you are so pathetic," shot back Ms. Sakurada."You will wait outside in the hallway until class is over, then you and I are going to have a little talk in my office, young lady!" "Does this happen every time?," Daria asked Ami. "I'm afraid so," Ami answered. ----------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------- Later that day, school had let out for the day. All of the Sailor Senshi were going down the street, chatting girl talk. "So, Ami, do you want a big going-away party before you leave, or what?," Usagi asked. "Usagi, please don't make a big deal about it," pleaded Ami; "I'll get a chance to see you during such times as inter-semester breaks, holidays and such. Besides, I've never felt comfortable about going-away parties." "How do you feel about having the type of party like we have back home in the United States?," Daria asked. "I guess you've heard about the types of parties high school kids have on Friday and Saturday nights." "What do you mean?," Ami asked. Daria began her description: "Stale potato chips, warm beer, flat soda, loud heavy metal music, guys and gals making out--" "DON'T GO ON!," shrieked an embarrassed Ami. "Ami, your cheeks are blushing!," giggled Hotaru. "They are not!," roared Ami. Just then, shots were heard at a nearby Mitsubishi Bank branch, and two armed robbers were running at full speed. When they got near the building, they saw that a security officer was shot to death. "This looks like a job for the Sailor Senshi!," Usagi exclaimed. The Sailor Senshi began their transformation sequences: "ETERNAL MOON STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" "SUPER CHIBI-MOON STAR POWER, MAKE-UP! "SUPER MARS STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" "SUPER JUPITER STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" "SUPER VENUS STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" "SUPER SATURN STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" "SUPER URANUS STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" "SUPER NEPTUNE STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" "SUPER PLUTO STAR POWER, MAKE-UP!" Each Sailor Senshi had underwent her transformation; now it was Daria's turn. "Here goes nothing!," she said. "SUPER MERCURY STAR POWER, MAKE- UP!" Daria was soon transformed into Sailor Mercury. "Daria, activate your VR equipment and track down the robbers," Ami instructed. A blue visor appeared on Daria. She was soon getting a reading. "They went that way," Daria said. "All right, then, let's move it!", said Sailor Moon, who was in her Eternal Mode, with wings. She flew ahead of them. The robbers, meanwhile, had a couple of Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department officers on their tail. "Halt, in the name of the law!," one of the officers roared. "Eat lead, copper!," roared one of the crooks back. He took a gun and shot the cop down. The other cop went to help him. He took his portable radio and said, "Officer down! Officer down!" "You're next, blue pig!," said the other crook as he put his .45 Magnum against his temple. "Hold it right there, crooks!," said a nearby voice. "I am the pretty soldier Eternal Sailor Moon, champion of love and justice. And these are the Sailor Senshi. In place of the Moon, we will punish you!" Each of the other Sailor Senshi made her introductory speeches as well. It was now time for Daria to make hers: "I am Sailor Mercury, Misery Chick of Justice! In the name of Mercury, I'm going to nag you to death!" "What the Hell. . ." Sailor Moon found herself saying. But there was no time to waste. "Eat lead, Sailor Senshi!," yelled the first crook. Just then, a red rose dart hit the ground. "You shoot, and it will be the last thing you ever do," Tuxedo Mask said as he stepped out of the shadows. "Here comes the calvary!," Daria said sarcastically. Recently, the Sailor Senshi had been given some new powers, and now they were going to be put to the test. Sailor Moon was going to be first. She yelled, "MOON THUNDER PUNCH!" With that, she threw her fist, and it knocked both crooks off their feet. Sailor Venus was next. "SUPER VENUS BLINDSIDER ATTACK!," she screamed. With that a blinding light issued from her hands, temporarily blinding the crooks. Daria was still new at this, so she decided to use one of Sailor Mercury's old powers. She shouted, "SHABON SPRAY. . .FREEZING!" The crooks were frozen solid. "Hmmm, just like in 'Duke Nukem 3D'!," she quipped. Then, she went up to them, and kicked them. They shattered into little pieces. "Your face, your ass, what's the difference!," she sneered. The rest of the Sailor Senshi stood in disbelief, with their mouths wide open. ----------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------- Later, back at Sendai Hill Shrine, Daria was being reprimanded for her actions. "Daria," Usagi began, "what you did was highly inappropriate! Sailor Senshi don't act that way!" "Usagi's right," Luna added. "You have to stop acting sarcastically! You're just lucky the TMPD decided that the use of deadly force was justified in the case." "Next time, you may not be so lucky!," Artemis said. "You know," Daria replied, "all of you should go take a hike!" With that, Daria stormed away. "I'm beginning to think that Ami made a big mistake asking Daria to take her place, Luna," Usagi said. "Right now, we're stuck with her," Luna replied; "Ami's leaving for Germany the day after tomorrow, so there's nothing much else we can do for now." "I just hope she can keep her temper in check, that's all," Usagi said resignedly. ----------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------- Gov. Nagai was holding another rally, this time at the foot of Tokyo Tower. Another huge crowd had gathered, and they were shouting "NAGAI! NAGAI! NAGAI!", awaiting for the arrival of the candidate. In a nearby trailer, Gov. Nagai was speaking to the Solar Warrior, whom he managed to locate shortly after he saved his life. "Believe me, Solar Warrior," Gov. Nagai began, "I'm making a generous offer. Besides, if I'm elected and my proposal goes through, you could find yourself in a good position in government." "My allegiance is with Amaterasu-Omikami," responded the Solar Warrior. "I have served her for untold millennia, back when there was no Japan as we know it. You must understand that I serve my goddess first, then my nation." "Of course," Gov. Nagai said. "The Americans have a saying for that: 'For God and Country.' Far be it from me to tell you to quit the employ of your mistress. All I'm asking is for you to head this agency I'm proposing. If all goes well, we'll make the best law enforcement apparatus in the world even better." "Very well," said the Solar Warrior. "If it will serve to advance both my faith and my nation, so be it." "I'm glad to see we're at agreement," Gov. Nagai said, relieved. "Might as well tell my adoring public about this." Gov. Nagai, the Solar Warrior and the entire campaign staff stepped out of the trailer and onto the platform set up for the occasion. Stepping up to the podium, Gov. Nagai began to speak: "My friends, I have someone here you may be familiar with. This is the brave hero who stopped the assassin who was determined to end my life yesterday. He calls himself the Solar Warrior. I owe my life to this person, and there's only one way I can pay him back. I've decided to name him as my chief of security during my campaign. He deserves this honor." "Further, I hereby announce that if I am elected, one of the first things I plan to introduce in the Diet is a bill creating a new Agency of Superhuman Activity Co-Ordination. Such an agency would help the various superhumans and superhuman groups work together with our local and national police forces to help stop some of the bigger threats to our well-being and safety. We already have one of the lowest crime rates in the world; this will ensure that it stays that way." The crowd cheered loudly. Shouts of "NAGAI!", "BANZAI!", and "SOLAR WARRIOR!" filled the air as Gov. Nagai and the rest of his campaign staff--the Solar Warrior included--left for campaign headquarters. ----------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------- Ryu had made his way to Azabu-ku, where his friend Mamoru lived in a rather well-appointed apartment. He rang the doorbell and waited a few seconds. "Ryu? What brings you here?," Mamoru asked. "Is there anyone else here with you?," Ryu responded. "No," said Mamoru. "Good," Ryu replied as he stepped inside. "What I have to tell you is not to leave this room. I am actually an agent for the Japanese Special Intelligence Bureau. I've been working on a special assignment in regard to the activities of an organization called the New Imperial Rule Assistance Association. They're a extreme right-wing organization that wants to return Japan to its military-influenced wartime government. They plan to do so by stealing the prototype of the new Mitsubishi Neo-Zero Advanced Jet Fighter now being developed. They plan to use it to bomb Tokyo to rubble unless the civilian government hands over power to them. The SDF can't stop them alone, and neither can the JSIB. We were hoping that you can contact the Sailor Senshi for us; they may be our only hope." "How do I know that you're being on the level with me on this matter?," demanded Mamoru. "Because the JSIB has extensive knowledge of the Sailor Senshi's activities," said Ryu. "We've got files on every member back to their earliest childhood. If you're think we're joking, take a look at this." Ryu gave him a file with the name "CHIBA MAMORU" on it. He opened it up and looked at it. Sure enough, all of it was there: pictures of his parents; of the car wreck that killed them; of his days at the orphanage; of his activities as Tuxedo Mask; of his activities as Endymion when he was brainwashed to work for the Dark Kingdom; of his activities as Moonlight Knight; of his recent mysterious disappearance during a flight to the United States It was all there. "How did you get these pictures?," demanded Mamoru. Ryu replied, "We have our ways, Mamoru. I have Usagi's file here as well." He pulled it out and began perusing it. "Did you know that when she was in kindergarten, she dumped a cup of chocolate pudding on her best friend Osaka Naru because she called her a 'dweeb'? Or that she can't stand carrots? Or that she's never really been able to figure you out?" Mamoru said curtly, "Oh, and I bet you have her bra size in there as well?" "Not even worth mentioning," dismissed Ryu. "You see, Mamoru, we've got the goods on all of you. This is a serious matter we're talking about here. Now, we need to know if the Sailor Senshi are on our side or not?" "Very well, you win," said Mamoru resignedly. "We'll help you in this matter. But I want those files destroyed. If they ever fall in the wrong hands, it could compromise our identities." "Consider it done, my friend," replied Ryu. "We will contact you when we feel that we need your assistance. Until then, take care." Ryu left the apartment building, but he didn't take even five steps when he turned around. Apparently, some NIRAA ninja spies had been following him; they were dressed in black and had katana blades, bo quarterstaffs, sais, nunchuckas and throwing stars. "You traitor!," said the leader of the group. "We should have suspected from the beginning that you were a double agent! We'll put an end to your miserable existence at once!" The ninja spies charged on him. Ryu stood his ground, then launched into a roundhouse kick that sent two of them crashing to the ground. Three more fell to blows to their solar plexus, and two more fell to blows to the neck. One more was left standing. He decided that discretion was the better part of valor, and ran. "Run like the coward you are!," Ryu shouted. He decided to report this matter to Gen. Torymura at once. ----------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------- Back at Lawndale, the high school football team was holding a scrimmage. The regular coach was sick with the flu, so Anthony DeMartino, the neurotic social studies teacher, was filling in for him. Mack was calling the next play: "34 red, 34 red, 45, 49, hike, hike!" Kevin was fading back for a pass, but then fumbled the ball. Mack could only groan in disappointment. "Kevin," Mr. DeMartino said as his right eye bulged in anger, "for a star quarterback, sometimes you play pathetically! How are we going to win the big game Saturday against Highland if you keep fumbling the ball?" "Sorry, Mr. DeMartino," replied Kevin, "but I keep being distracted seeing Brittany practicing her jumps over there." Sure enough, Brittany was indeed practicing her jumps; with the tight sweater she was wearing, her breasts were jiggling like crazy. Up in the stands sat Jane, Quinn, Jane's brother Trent, Jodie and Upchuck; his real name was Charles Ruttheimer, but since he was so perverted and geeky, he was called Upchuck. Quinn was expecting the other members of the Fashion Club to arrive shortly. "What a boring scrimmage!," Quinn started. "How are we going to win the game if we keep acting like a bunch of morons?" Upchuck went up to Quinn and said, "Why don't we go back to my place and have our own scrimmage? ROWR!" "Keep away from me, Upchuck!," shrieked Quinn. "I see not all of the morons are out on the field," Jane retorted. "Man, I can't believe Daria won't be here for this game," Trent said. "She never liked football, but she likes being here for the big game against Highland. She always likes to heckle Beavis and Butt-Head; it's the only time her two former classmates from Highland High School ever come to visit Lawndale every year. It's been that way since she moved here to Lawndale a couple of years back." "Well, you know what they say, Trent," Jane said, "'Absence makes the heart grow fonder.'" "Tell me about it," Trent said with a sigh. "Oh, look, here comes the Fashion Club!," Quinn chirped. Sandi, the club president, entered first followed by Stacy, the club secretary, and then Tiffany, the club treasurer. "Like, sorry we're late and all that," Sandi began to say, "but, like my cat pooped all over this outfit I'm wearing and I had to wash it up." "Stuff like that happens," Quinn said. "Hey, everything's all set for us to sell goodies at the game," Stacy said. "Tiffany and I have baked up a whole batch of cookies, brownies, cupcakes, and so forth." "But, UGH! I've got dishpan hands now!," whined Tiffany. "Like, just remember, Tiffany," Sandi said, "it's all for a good cause: the Fashion Club." "Why don't they give it to charity like Student Government does?," Jodie asked Jane. "They are a charity case," replied Jane, "They all need new brains, new personalities and ego deflation!" Jodie got a good snicker over that remark. Jesse Moreno, Trent's bandmate on the rock band Mystik Spiral, arrived. "Trent, man, it's all set!," he said. "What's all set, Jesse?," asked Trent. Jesse continued, "We're gonna sing the national anthem at the big game. I just spoke to Ms. Li, the principal, and she's promised to pay us $1000 for the gig." "And just where is Ms. Li going to get $1000 from," Quinn said. "The expenses for this game have already gone over budget!" "Yeah," Jane added, "and the last time this happened, the Board of Education and the school superintendent reprimanded her big time for wasting taxpayers' money. We're just lucky Bob Schulz didn't show up and sue the school district!" "Hey, where she gets the bread from don't matter to me, man," Trent said, "just as long as we get it." Meanwhile, another play was being run on the field. This time, Kevin made a perfect spiral pass. Mack snagged it and ran it down for a touchdown. "Now, that's what I like to see, people!," Mr. DeMartino said. Brittany saw that and shouted "YEAH! GO, GO LAWNDALE!" Just then, Jane thought she heard some familiar laughter: "HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH!" "UH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH-HUH!" "Oh, no!," Jane said, "it can't be those two!" Sure enough, it was Beavis and Butt-Head. They went up in the stands. "Uh, Quinn, where's your sister, Diarrhea?," Butt-Head asked. "Yeah, like we want to talk to her and stuff," Beavis added. "Well, Daria isn't here today!," Quinn began; "she went over to Japan on a foreign exchange program." "Man, that sucks!," Beavis answered. "Listen, you two," Jane said, "all because Daria isn't here doesn't mean you can go pick on Quinn at the game on Saturday. If you do anything to her, I'll scratch your eyes out!" "Uh, like is that a threat or a promise?," Butt-Head asked. Jane said rather icily, "BOTH!" "WHOA!," Butt-Head said. Beavis and Butt-Head sat down and watched a few plays. Kevin was once again fumbling the ball. After a while, those two got bored. "This scrimmage sucks!," Beavis said. "Uh, let's liven things up a bit, Beavis!," Butt-Head responded. They soon got out two brown paper bags they had taken with them and pulled out some firecrackers. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!," Jane roared. "Uh, like we're going to set off firecrackers and stuff!," Butt- Head said; "What do you think we were going to do, asswipe?" They set off a whole string of them and tossed them onto the field. The whole team started to scatter. "HEH-HEH-HEH! See me toss this big one out there, Butt-Head!," Beavis said. He lit the fuse and tossed it out. It landed right on Kevin, and it went off in his left eye. Kevin collapsed in agony. "KEVIN!," shrieked Brittany, who saw the whole thing go down. She then fainted. Beavis and Butt-Head made good their escape while everyone was gathered around Kevin. "Someone call 911, dammit!," shrieked Mr. DeMartino. Kevin was taken to Lawndale General Hospital. An examination revealed that most of the explosion was absorbed by his helmet, and damage to his eye was negligible. His vision checked out OK, but he was held overnight for observation, and released the next day. ----------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------- At the next meeting of the Lawndale Militia, Anthony Corlew brought up the matter of the firecracker attack at the scrimmage: "Fellow comrades in arms, this is just another reason why we need to take over Lawndale. With our agenda of law and order, filth like Beavis and Butt-Head, as well as people of color and crippled folks, will be kept out of our community. We don't need white trash like those two ruining our town! When they return, we need to lynch them, to teach a lesson to Highland that we won't tolerate their shenanigans here in Lawndale!" Those in attendance cheered the speech. ----------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------- "I have failed you, Master!" With that, the only NIRAA ninja who escaped from Ryu (the others had been arrested) committed seppuku in front of Dr. Vander Helffen. Dr. Vander Helffen ordered the body disposed of. Yoriko entered the room. "What was that all about?," she asked. "Our attempt to kill Ryu failed," began Dr. Vander Helffen. "We sent some ninja spies to track him down, and he has alerted someone named Chiba Mamoru to our plans. They were going to kill Ryu, but he was too strong for them. I want you to personally kill Ryu." "Your orders will be obeyed, Dr. Vander Helffen," said Yoriko. ----------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------- Ryu had just returned to Gen Torymura and told him all about his meeting with Mamoru, as well as the attack by the NIRAA ninja spies. "They're on to us; I was afraid they would," Gen. Torymura said. "I'm going to order security tightened to the biggest extent possible immediately at the base where the prototype is being stored. When we do need the Sailor Senshi, they are to be briefed on this matter." "Everything will be done as you have ordered, General," answered Ryu. ----------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------- The day had arrived for Ami to leave for Germany. All the Sailor Senshi were with her at Narita Airport, as well as both her mother and her father. "Well, I guess this is it," Ami said. "Ami, you'll always be in our hearts," Usagi began to say. "When you do come back, you can always rejoin us. The door is always open." "Here, take this," Rei said. "It's a special 'Safe Journey' charm. I hope you have a safe flight. "I want you to make your mother and I very proud of you," said Ami's father. "I always knew in my heart that you are a very intelligent young lady." "As for you, Daria," Ami said, "Keep the home fires burning." "Mom told me never to play with matches," Daria said. "Still with your sarcastic humor, I see," Usagi said. "Ami, I hope you will be a success in your endeavors," Mamoru added. "We're all rooting for you." Ami couldn't hold it back anymore. The tears were beginning to flow. "I'm really going to miss you guys!," Ami sobbed, then hugged each of her friends and family. "I'd better get on board the plane now!" A chorus of "Farewell" followed her down the gate. "Good luck!," Usagi added. Not noticed by anyone, Akbar el-Salaam had boarded the plane right behind Ami. Since most of the nuclear device was plastic in composition (it even had a plastique primer), he managed to scoot by security with that and some machine guns--also made mostly of plastic--with no problems. ----------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------------- Half an hour had passed on the flight. A flight attendant in one of the most revealing uniforms ever worn by such a person--it had a microminiskirt and the blazer, vest and shirt revealed a lot of cleavage--went up to Ami and asked her what she wanted for lunch. "What do you have?," replied Ami. The flight attendant answered, "We have yellow fin tuna or beef teriyaki." "UGH!," said Ami in disgust, "I can't stand yellow fin tuna! I'll have the beef teriyaki." The flight attendant went to the next seat and asked him what he wanted. Suddenly, Akbar leapt up, grabbed one of his machine guns and roared "ALLAH AKBAR! ALLAH AKBAR! This is Islamic Jihad! We are seizing this plane in the name of Allah! You are to fly this plane to Lawndale, USA, or I will kill everyone aboard!" Screams of panic filled the plane. Ami now realized that she wasn't going to Germany today. And she had to be there to register for classes, or forfeit her tuition deposit. But that was no longer a grave concern, not when death stared you in the face. For Mizuno Ami, she had to take action and save the plane from this madman. ----------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------------------