RCOTIC 16
By CheeseWeasel(LemoN)
Gnome Sane 3: The wrath of the precursor to the prelude to the herald of the impending fury of the introduction of the villainous vile advent of …THAT PENGUIN
Noman, the current Noman, was a terrible political leader. He has been away for two major floods. Noman has many character flaws for which he is to blame but not for lack of creativity, that was genetics. Noman’s father was Raoul Noman XIV and gave his son the single name Noman So as to save character space. The original Raoul Noman, Raoul Noman the first seized control of the area now known as Noman’s Land and ruled it with an iron fist, he did this for he lost his hand in the Apocalypse and iron was the only substitute available. But the irony does not end there, for as his wife Raoul Noman the First took Anne Ironfist, the notable noble lady.
Louisiana Sandwichman looked down at the figure holding onto his helicopter and stamped down his cane. “ I do declare, You are one resilient little burger.” The Sandwichman chuckled. Trati was not pleased, his hand hurt. There were several other things not going his way as well. Deepthroat the Pirate was in the corner of the Sandwichman’s helicopter, his knees were bunched to his chest and he was paralyzed with fear. “Dammit man,” Trati shouted. “He’s your villain. Do something.” But DT couldn’t do anything, not after what The Louisiana Sandwichman did. All of DT’s best laid plans, and he couldn’t bring them to fruition. DT whimpers, or he would have if he could do that sort of thing, he bellows in fear. He could not stand another innocent lost to the Sandwichman. Noone was driving their pirate ship
The green glowy thing had produced a bubble. And that bubble was keeping Asesina, Siege, Quarelle, Steve Deception, Shu, Razor Nick, Chinese Place Stu, and Majorine afloat. They floated for hours although the force of the impact produced quite the strong current. Land was scarce, and as such only the Scarce had land. The Scarce were a tribe of mountain growing people who lived on the peaks of the Mountains which they grew, rumor had it that they were unaffected by the apocalypse and that if you caught one, and tied it to a chair in your basement for a week, and kicked it once a day, and on the third day cut off its horn, and told it of a discount crystal methamphetamine wholesaler when you released it, that you’d receive great luck in fields unrelated to table tennis before you were shot by a mob informant on the fortnight’s eve of the Scarce’s release. But this was unsubstantiated as noone had seen a Scarce, since they had grown their mountain beyond that of which the atmosphere was breathable by those afflicted by the Apocalypse. But on this the eve of the Krakken’s declaration of war with Boss Lord Pig, A bubble happened upon these Sparces’ Lands.
Leroy and Emily were burrowed deep under the ground. And they hit it off quite nicely. For Emily had a fangirlish, insatiable, and unrequited lust for Leroy and Leroy had been lonely since Anders had been retconned out of existence and Vlad went up north to train Post Officer Bob’s Son.
Majorine is conflicted, when your hand is bleeding as profusely as hers ‘is conflicted’ is a sucky feeling, but then hasn’t it always been. She was an interesting woman, but she was interesting for all the wrong reasons and forced into a lead female role that didn’t do her character justice. She soaked her hand in the drink. Drink being a colloquialism for a large body of water. She looked at Chinese Place Stu, she doesn’t want to console him. Most likely she won’t, if he thinks he can just age 15 years in a weekend and think the mother of his child will be all giddy and smiles when he comes hurtling out of an alien space ship preventing her nearly certain death, he had another thing coming. After all wasn’t the point of a long-term relationship to grow old together. “Stu, you’re a good person, but I…you wouldn’t understand.” “I don’t have to understand, I just have to do. That’s all that’s ever been. I don’t know why I tried to change that.” Majorine walked over and put her hand on Chinese Place Stu’s face. The seasalt clearing the gash, in an uncomfortable tingling sensation, She raises her sunglasses and looks deep into his sunken eyes, the background fades into a pastel bubblescape and she knees him in the groin. He keels over and a small shiny object splashes out of his pocket. The bubblescape returns to normal. “What the hell?” she says. “Shade items.”
Nobody ever says they want to be a junky when they grow up, this is because those who have not grown up have limited knowledge of the career market and delusions of grandeur. Robert never got that chance. Robert’s planet was deposed by a horrible force. A force not entirely opposed to that of another force that Robert currently makes his living in. Space is a cold place, and he’s had nothing to do but public radio for a long time, although time is relative. Robert hated public radio, but he hated that being that interrupted his childhood even more, but not right now, now he hated public radio more than anything else. The being upon which he lived stopped at a stagnant station outside of earth’s orbit, it was a bank. Chinese Place Stu has an account there, he resents it. They pay an inordinate amount of interest, but time never passes. Robert jumps and freefalls towards the planet below. The entity chirps expanding the water molecules of the station and converting the software.
It is at this time that we join Boss Lord Pig, red faced working at a combination lock uder extensive water pressure. The Kraken meant business; he’s never kept the water level this high this long before. But the Kraken was the least of the Boss’s problems. Ry’la had set new standards as a Dark Mage, and although the obituary didn’t lie, the palpitation that set it in motion was not attributable to their Bohemian lifestyle. The door opened. A gust of wind comparable to that of a mild hurricane pushed out of it, rippling his porcine flesh raw and dry as he stepped into the room. And for the first time in minutes, Boss Lord Pig breathed. “Jili,” he called. “Is everything in order?”
Sven was a viking, Vikings have ships, it’s just a fact of life. Vlad, Leslie, Doris and Sven were on that ship, when something crashed down from the sky. “It’s a snake. With a mohawk?” proclaimed Doris. Leslie patted down her hair, “Damn copycats, I’ll never get another scene or picture again.” She thinks. “It’s coming,” The snake thing says. “Get your forces in order, for sakes it’s coming.” Sven takes his axe and strokes his beard with it, as to prevent split-ends. “Now what would be your name, as I should bill you for damaging my boat.” “I don’t think you heard me, It’s…coming. This is the least of your problems.” Again with the least of the problems.
It’s about this time that a now at the house in Mountainous Shadow and Maggot get a call. The phone clicks on the receiver. “It’s time, honey. After all these months of working so hard. It’s time to let our baby go. They grow up so damn fast.” Shadow and Maggot walk towards the room hand in hand. “Hold me close, I can’t bear to watch.” The hood consumes her deep into the recesses of the young monks mind.
That Penguin touches down, having obliterated the tiny station that scammed Chinese Place Stu out of oh, so much interest, it is not unopposed. Boss Lord Pig speeds his Pig Board 3.0 part of the Cool Armor Project towards giant That Penguin. The sea boiled and steamed as That Penguin took mighty steps. Then That Penguin caught Boss Lord Pig in its gaze and we learnt that despite all of the tax payers money, the Cool Armor Project wasn’t compatible with Linux. The Pig Board 3.0 dissembled and dropped, but Boss Lord Pig continued, hurtling forward and downward, tucking himself in upon himself as best he could in an effort to deploy the razorback spikes that he knew were in the blueprint, he had written the blueprint himself. “Et tu, Jili,” Boss Lord Pig shouted, plummeting all the while.
Elsewhere, the fire-breathing ducks in association with the Odd-Looking Old Man guarded a building. The building encased technology. “Quack.” Eye-Patch Duck said. “Qua-qua qua qua qua-qua quack, qua quack qua.” Said Libel Duck. Copyright-infringement Duck gave Libel Duck a sideways look. Libel Duck winked at Copyright-infringement Duck. Norton cracked his knuckles for the thirteenth time this minute. Malpractice Duck shook his head.
As you might have implied, the Kraken is not happy with his drink entemperatured by That Penguin, but one who is not so expected is also feeling the heat, so to speak. And with that, we come nearly full circle back to the lap of luxury in Mountainous. “Tsuko! Tsuko.” Followed by a distinct scream. Tsuko hobbles in. “Shit Noman, what’s happening.” “You don’t know? YOU don’t know. Hahahaha. It’s the Uncola seal, Tsuko.” Tsuko is somber. “In all of your family’s record books, old friend. Has this ever happened. I mean, this quickly. I’m being reduced to aspartame, man. I can’t live on pure Aspartame. Take my gold out, man, the gold hurts. And prepare the seal for the next in the Noman line. You’ve been keeping track of them, haven’t you, old friend.” Tsuko, on the verge of tears. “Bu-but, you can’t die Noman, you’re the Uncola…you’re our only Uncola.” “Cripes, you ..arg.. you…slacker. We’re not 24 hour party people …og.., go now and prepare the fucking seal.” Tsuko hobbles off, his family had prepared the Uncola seal since Raoul Noman the first, Tsuko’s father had presented the seal on Noman when Noman’s father died, then he lost the rights to perform the rite to The Kessian family of The Supreme Left Kess in a rather slit-throat game of Boggle.
Star Walker was free, this much was certain. Shadow/Maggot looked on in utter hope. If she doesn’t do it, will we still get paid. The Monastery had this job in the works for months before it was destroyed, it was a big government job. They didn’t care much for the government then, they were young and stupid then. And the older monks all of whom had been depleted in the collapse were so dead set in preserving culture and appeasing with worship the Anonymous Magi. Older and wiser now, they needed the money, the Monastery was in shambles. But how could they trust a cosmic being of only a few months age, but it didn’t matter. Star was older at heart, as old as the That Penguin itself, perhaps.
Boss Lord Pig fell upon that penguin, he might have left a dent, he might not have. But he bounced off and fell into the underbrush and then the spikes deployed. Retrospect hit like a brick, as he thought the word “Parachute.” Then Star struck, swept That Penguin off That Penguin’s feet and danced into the abyss and the cosmos.
On a boat, just off scene. Robert, the alien snake with the Mohawk, talks to Vlad and Leslie, “Please tell me that wasn’t your planet’s heavy artillery.” “Afraid so. Our only one, I believe, too.” Robert teared. “What’s the matter, hairstyle stealer?” Robert looked up. “That was my ride, Now I’m doomed, too.”
______________________________________________Letters
Q:“Are you really going to put those up?” –Hal 1985
Answer: Yes.
------------------------NeXt TiMe On RcOtIc----
Isn’t it about time Leroy got a chapter? And what of Bernie Inert? More Louisiana Sandwichman, are you crazy? Do you know how close we are to starting the RECALL Society? More fun than you can shake a stick at, if you don’t want that stick shaken back at you in approximately 3 months. (Maybe some Saddam & Gammurrut before then)
