Kevin Knows Ramen

written by kevin

Are you lazy? Unimaginative? Overworked? Pathetically poor? Probably. With that assumption in mind Iíll go on to make other largely over-generalized, inconsiderate, uninformative, and downright bastardly assumptions: youíre beef-brained, boring, simple minded, as thick as two short planks, half-witted, half-baked, and wooden-headed. Oh, yes. How could I forget? You also eat Ramen noodles for either breakfast, lunch, or dinner, at least once a week; if not twenty-one times a week.

Actually, Ramen noodles cater to a wide variety of Americans, not just poor, lazy, alcoholic collegians. Today, millions of Americans enjoy the simple delectable "quality" of a wide variety of Ramen spinoffs. Invented in 1948 by Mr. Momofuku Ando, head of the Nissin Food Products Co., Ltd. of Japan, and meant to feed the hungry masses of World War II, ramen was ironically considered a luxury item in Japanese grocery stores. In fact, the amazingly easy to prepare meal was initially rejected by the conservative Japanese food industry as a novelty with no future. This block-headed opinion further advanced American stereotypes that the Japanese need not be consulted for matters other than rocket propulsion, electronics, or Kung-Fu; and thatís a good thing! Introduction to the American market in 1972 followed and spawned a number of hybrid Ramen products, including, my favorite, the highly popular Cup Oí NoodlesTM.

Itís the science of Cup Oí NoodlesTM that gets me. The yellow block of noodles suspended in the cup has a higher density towards the top of the nest. This allows the hot water poured in to surround the whole noodle nest and to loosen and rehydrate it rapidly. The vegetables stay atop the noodles, helping it to look appetizing and delicious. Because the block of noodles is flush against the inside surface of the cup, it inhibits noodle breakage and increases cup strength. Ahhhhh! Thank God for modern technology, else I might be eating an unappetizing, tangled web of dehydrated noodles! Instead, I feast on a steaming hot cup of soft, tangled, salty noodles.

Obviously, the best feature of Ramen noodles is the ease of preparation. Any drunk idiot can add boiling water to a block of dried noodles. The next step is addition of the flavoring. Sometimes you may not want the flavoring, in which case you should definitely save the flavor packet. If your home is like mine, then youíve got a wide variety of flavors to choose from lined up on the kitchen wall. After adding the flavoring the next logical step is to eat the noodles as fast as you can and then go pass out in front of the TV with your hands crammed down your pants. ENJOY!

Hell-pful Hints from Hell-oise-

Dear Hell-oise,

Ever wondered what to do with all of those extra Ramen noodle flavor packets lined up on your kitchen wall? Iíve come up with a few ideas that I think you and your readers will find gratifying:

1.) Want cancer without going to the trouble of smoking 3 packs of cigarettes soaked in ammonia a day? Well, now you can have it the easy way! Each packet of Ramen noodles contains 1 gram of MSG. Thatís right, 1 gram. According to my Merck Index, MSG is only harmful if consumed in amounts totaling over 3 grams per day. Are you thinking what Iím thinking? Yep! Ramen noodles for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a midnight snack will set you on your way to tumors, chemotherapy, sky-high medical bills, and finally, your long awaited death!

2.) Got a cat? Better yet: got a cat with worms? Well, youíre in luck! Most feline treatments for worms are merely salt tablets wrapped up in a pill with the alluring fragrance of tuna. Next time your cat has worms, feed it a steamy bowl of your left over Ramen soup. Itís the only way to clean your catís intestinal tract!

3.) Every morning, my neighbor wakes me up making racket in his garden. One day I decided that he should suffer from a slightly lower than normal crop yield. Use your schooling to the best of your abilities and adopt a precedent set by the Romanís after sacking Carthage: take the Ramen flavor packets (highly concentrated in sodium chloride, a.k.a. SALT), and spread that shit all over your neighborís garden, squashing his squash and crushing his dreams of winning the yearís tri-county garden contest!

Thatís it Hell-oise. Hope you find these Hell-pful hints as satisfying as I did.


Kevin D. Bay

It's the ramen museum in Japan! You visit now! (sorry, i'm an asshole)...Ramen Museum

written by kevin
copyright coffeeam 2001